I think I have issues....
No I just didnt realize this somedays it just sticks out more for me. I know that I feel like I am so wrapped up in my ED that is all I think of. Somedays it is screaming and yelling at me and others it is a soft whisper in the background but it is always there. I cant even imagin waking up just ONE day and NOT have to think about all this BS. Just to wake up and be normal. Just to take eat a meal and not beat myself mentally up about while I am eatting it and then physical hurt myself afterwards.
I think back to the first time I really thought about my weight and I think I was about 12 years old and I was lieing in bed and I had a sheet pulled over me and I was feeling my ribs through it and wondering how I could be thinner. I always considered myself the cubby girl and that was why I wouldnt eat and when I did I would go purge. I found a picture of myself when I was at my moms house and I was maybe 104 lbs and I can remember back and thinking I was really cubby...I mean I really felt that way. Then there was a FULL HOUSE episode when one of the girls was just eatting ice cubes so she could lose weight and I could remeber thinking that was a good idea.
I was "better" for a few years I really was!!! I vowed I was done with all of this after we had Alexander. I started to feel myself slip back into right after I had him but I pulled myself out of it. The last year it was like my brain came unwired and it was like I was right back to square one. I feel like I have no control but then it is what controls me.
The really sick part is I felt so lost and empty for several years. I was "happy" but then it felt like I had this fake life and I was just trying to tell myself and MOSTLY others everything was OK! When I started again it was like I found this long lost friend and even though she hurts me I love her and I feel at piece with her. I feel calm and collected even though I am always thinking about it.
I just wonder if there will ever be a "magical" number that I will see that will make me happy and break this horrible spell it has over me???
I know that it will always be part of my life and I have on some levels accepted that. I know I always want to be normal but this is normal for me....I have been doing it for 1/2 my life! I just wonder how it would be to really be OK with myself?