...well THIS is going to make for a fun chapter of my memoirs!
...
Some of you may very well remember my mother's Epic Sidewalk Paranoia™, which began several years back when she completely flipped the fuck out on my former best friend and I simply because we were sitting on the sidewalk.
Yes. Because we were sitting on the sidewalk.
At the time, the only conclusion we could come to was that she must have thought we were out there FUCKING on said sidewalk -- because with my mother, that would be a far, far cry from implausible. Especially considering that
● my mother seemed to think she and I were, you know, fucking each other when we were, respectively, eleven and nine
● my mother once WOKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT when she was staying over all but HAVING A BLOODY ANEURYSM just because the girl had (horror of horrors :O) accidentally rolled atop me in her sleep (and then actually CALLED THE GIRL'S MOTHER TO TELL HER ABOUT THIS LIKE IT WAS SOME GIGANTIC DEAL AND WE NEEDED TO BE TOLD ON, AND ALSO VERY NEARLY REFUSED TO LET ME SEE HER AGAIN AFTERWARDS, EVEN THOUGH THIS WAS RIGHT BEFORE I WAS LEAVING THE STATE TO GO TO COLLEGE AND WOULD NOT SEE HER AGAIN FOR MONTHS)
● my mother would completely flip her shit if we even tried to so much as hug.
Just for starters~!
So, inasmuch as anything at all concerning my mother ever does, the Epic Lesbian Sidewalk Sex™ explanation made pretty perfect sense, and that's the one we all went with and it...became a pretty huge inside joke, actually. XD;; (Never again will I be able to hear Why Don't We Do It In the Road without bursting into uncontrollable giggles.)
Except.
A few months back, my mother flipped over me sitting on the sidewalk again, this time while I was alone. Which would rather negate the lesbian sex theory a bit, considering!
And it was not until this morning that I finally fucking figured out what the real problem probably was.
And I promptly fucking died.
Everywhere.
A lot.
My mother. Most likely. Does not want me out on the sidewalk. Because she thinks. That I. Could be easily mistaken.
FOR A FUCKING HOOKER.
And, you know?
That is actually an even more plausible conclusion, as she has indeed flat-out informed me that I "look like a streetwalker" and am a "tramp," all for more or less absolutely no logical reason/just because she was randomly pissy and wanted to yell and had nothing better to do than insinuate that her daughter is a slut.
So. Yes.
HOW MANY OF YOUR MOTHERS THINK YOU'D MAKE A GOOD HOOKER, YOU GUYS??? 8)
Some of you may very well remember my mother's Epic Sidewalk Paranoia™, which began several years back when she completely flipped the fuck out on my former best friend and I simply because we were sitting on the sidewalk.
Yes. Because we were sitting on the sidewalk.
At the time, the only conclusion we could come to was that she must have thought we were out there FUCKING on said sidewalk -- because with my mother, that would be a far, far cry from implausible. Especially considering that
● my mother seemed to think she and I were, you know, fucking each other when we were, respectively, eleven and nine
● my mother once WOKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT when she was staying over all but HAVING A BLOODY ANEURYSM just because the girl had (horror of horrors :O) accidentally rolled atop me in her sleep (and then actually CALLED THE GIRL'S MOTHER TO TELL HER ABOUT THIS LIKE IT WAS SOME GIGANTIC DEAL AND WE NEEDED TO BE TOLD ON, AND ALSO VERY NEARLY REFUSED TO LET ME SEE HER AGAIN AFTERWARDS, EVEN THOUGH THIS WAS RIGHT BEFORE I WAS LEAVING THE STATE TO GO TO COLLEGE AND WOULD NOT SEE HER AGAIN FOR MONTHS)
● my mother would completely flip her shit if we even tried to so much as hug.
Just for starters~!
So, inasmuch as anything at all concerning my mother ever does, the Epic Lesbian Sidewalk Sex™ explanation made pretty perfect sense, and that's the one we all went with and it...became a pretty huge inside joke, actually. XD;; (Never again will I be able to hear Why Don't We Do It In the Road without bursting into uncontrollable giggles.)
Except.
A few months back, my mother flipped over me sitting on the sidewalk again, this time while I was alone. Which would rather negate the lesbian sex theory a bit, considering!
And it was not until this morning that I finally fucking figured out what the real problem probably was.
And I promptly fucking died.
Everywhere.
A lot.
My mother. Most likely. Does not want me out on the sidewalk. Because she thinks. That I. Could be easily mistaken.
FOR A FUCKING HOOKER.
And, you know?
That is actually an even more plausible conclusion, as she has indeed flat-out informed me that I "look like a streetwalker" and am a "tramp," all for more or less absolutely no logical reason/just because she was randomly pissy and wanted to yell and had nothing better to do than insinuate that her daughter is a slut.
So. Yes.
HOW MANY OF YOUR MOTHERS THINK YOU'D MAKE A GOOD HOOKER, YOU GUYS??? 8)