(no subject)
This is horrible. I feel good.
I've had a bit of a selfish moment over here, and I'm nudged by a million prompted memories from moving and looking at everything from fotos to lps, so I spiraled in my self-indulgence into peeking at old memories and listening to music that made me feel sad and alone but pretty some ... years ago. It doesn't feel like a long time ago in a way, but...the feeling is gone. I play it loud, get too drunk, and I feel - but that, those feelings are gone.
I feel better. Things are better.
Or I'm suffering from fresh delusions which will result in funnier reflections in another 2-10 years?
It's also weird how many of my exes are friends and vice versa.
I'm happy to yet again avoid conclusions. I'm slow - it takes me time. I'm trying to be a good person, not in the asking people to consier me that, perhaps not even just trying not to do harm, but trying to do good.
I know I used to hurt. I remember some of the dreams of escape. I worked a lot for revenge. But I've been so much happier, or just old and tired, for long I can't connect with it anymore. It's like a painful dental visit - I reel away from the memory, but I can't actually remember the acute pain. I can dance, I twist and writhe, but it's my body and brainstem that seem to remember. I can't feel it, remember how it feel...but I do remember touching her leg. I remember the big pants.
Oh and I remember guilt. And anger. Or do I?
I think this is the first "the feels" in my new house. Where I might be drunk and shirtless in a hot room next to a big window. Like I was hoping. What?
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM)
Jebus...I still twitch. Do I really remember?
I have bits and pieces. I have a much more cynical view today and I don't even trust my memory. I should...look that up. I worry more than I can reach it than I can't.
I've had a bit of a selfish moment over here, and I'm nudged by a million prompted memories from moving and looking at everything from fotos to lps, so I spiraled in my self-indulgence into peeking at old memories and listening to music that made me feel sad and alone but pretty some ... years ago. It doesn't feel like a long time ago in a way, but...the feeling is gone. I play it loud, get too drunk, and I feel - but that, those feelings are gone.
I feel better. Things are better.
Or I'm suffering from fresh delusions which will result in funnier reflections in another 2-10 years?
It's also weird how many of my exes are friends and vice versa.
I'm happy to yet again avoid conclusions. I'm slow - it takes me time. I'm trying to be a good person, not in the asking people to consier me that, perhaps not even just trying not to do harm, but trying to do good.
I know I used to hurt. I remember some of the dreams of escape. I worked a lot for revenge. But I've been so much happier, or just old and tired, for long I can't connect with it anymore. It's like a painful dental visit - I reel away from the memory, but I can't actually remember the acute pain. I can dance, I twist and writhe, but it's my body and brainstem that seem to remember. I can't feel it, remember how it feel...but I do remember touching her leg. I remember the big pants.
Oh and I remember guilt. And anger. Or do I?
I think this is the first "the feels" in my new house. Where I might be drunk and shirtless in a hot room next to a big window. Like I was hoping. What?
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM)
Jebus...I still twitch. Do I really remember?
I have bits and pieces. I have a much more cynical view today and I don't even trust my memory. I should...look that up. I worry more than I can reach it than I can't.