So, I got a new phone:
It opens up to a qwerty keyboard so texting is easier. It has web access for when I decide to upgrade my service. Yeah, it has a camera, but so does every phone on the market. It's small, it does what I need it to, and it doesn't bug the crap out of me. And, unlike my Sprint Razr, it actually holds a charge in the battery!
I even bought it through my old company (letstalk.com), because over there they sell so damn many new service plans that they can give away phones for free. Which this one was. And it didn't come with a memory card, but by coincidence I bought Micro SD cards for my camera, and it turns out I totally don't need that much camera memory, so I have memory for my phone now. My phone number remains the same, and the porting/cancellation was a snap. Hooray!
Thanks to everyone for the helpful advice and guidance! I felt like I was going into this purchase with good information, and that made everything easier.