(no subject)
Let me say this to start:
I feel like I owe my friends list an apology.
This year, I am older - I feel obligated to change and improve myself the way I've always dreamed of doing so. In order to do this, I must destroy my awkward mental barriers and come to terms with who I am and simply accept the fact that I can't constantly oppress myself in order to please or avoid annoying others.
I am going to stop hiding behind my filters on livejournal. I will post the entries I feel like posting and not regret it or friends lock it later. I will express my opinions in the way I want to, and not spend hours agonizing over the phrasing of sentences in order to sound less spastic and scatterbrained.
So... as a fair warning... if my future spam-like real life entries bother you, by all means feel free to cut me from your friends list. I'll understand. :]
(my twitter entries are the exception: those are pure spam, so I will keep them under a separate filter - should anyone currently not seeing them for some reason desire to be spammed, by all means inform me!)
First day of school, guys! It sucked, lemme tell 'ya.
Actually I will tell you, and it didn't really suck, but it wasn't good either and that's just as bad as sucking in my opinion!
ROUND ONE: US History
I got there early because it's aaaaall the way in D hall which is like, in the back of the school. Social anxiety trait: when offered to select between a wide variety of positions to sit, the socially anxious will almost always select a seat close to the door. --check. My trademark is the second seat away so I'm not in the first row, but I'm still close.
I know two people in the class, neither of which I'm close friends with. (One is mildly obnoxious and the other I haven't talked to since my freshman year so yay!) The teacher is Mr. Benton and is best friends with my world history teacher from last year, so they are similar in nature. Which basically means, don't mess up and it'll all be cool. He hasn't impressed me yet, though, and the rest of the class seems more slow than my one last year (I was blessed with a pretty smart class last year, I miss them terribly). I'm hoping the class won't suck too bad because I loathe history to no end.
ROUND TWO: Sociology
Uhm, guys, there are 8 students in this class excluding me. SERIOUSLY. And my one friend is thinking of dropping the class in order to be a student aide for Mr. Fields. Which I can totally understand because man if I had a class to drop I'd throw that thing off my schedule faster than an Olympian throws a javelin in order to be his aide!
So anyway it occurred to me halfway through the introduction to the class that damn, sociology is about society and people interacting. I knew what sociology was... but I didn't stop to think about the class. This means that I will inevitably be forced to stand up and interact - which is the last thing I want. :(
The teacher is Mrs. Lewis and she is nice enough but looks like the type of person who gets really pissed off should you decide to cross her. I am withholding judgment on the class at large because my love for psychology could prevail and the class still be enjoyable.
ROUND THREE: Japanese II
I cannot express my sorrow about this class. I cannot express my anger about this class. I love Kuwahara-sensei and I think she's great and given the right classroom environment she'd really shine as a dedicated teacher... but too bad pretty much every. single. kid. from last year's class passed with me. I hate 99.9% of them and they are annoying and largely retarded and why, WHY, are they taking this class - this OPTIONAL class - if they're not dedicated to or even remotely interested in the subject matter? I will NEVER understand other kids.
ROUND FOUR: AP English III
Chelsea is in this class, at least, which will inevitably save me many times in the near future, and will hopefully take the edge off the pain that is Advanced Placement and English combined.
First class in the day where we actually worked. Theme statements, talked about half of our summer reading, attempted a theme statement of our own. (I'm proud of mine, but I think it was a fluke!)
Mrs. (Ms?) Bufkin didn't honestly smile once. I get the feeling I won't ever see her laugh. I can tell right off the bat our relationship will be strictly business only and at the end of the day I will hate and dread her class more than any other (even art).
ROUND FOUR POINT FIVE: B Lunch
Good news everyone! I have lunch with like, EVERYONE. Chelsea, Clint, Andria, Phillip. :D It made me really happy because last year I had lunch with a bunch of lo-- okay they really were a bunch of losers.
OMGEEZ guys we're sitting in the CORRAL now. Here let me explain: my school is divided in half. There is the disgusting and brightly painted cafeteria that reeks of 200 freshmen and sophomore kids cramped in a tiny, mostly closed off room with limited windows and all artificial lighting... and then there is the nice, pristine, wide, open, high-ceiling 'corral' where the juniors and seniors sit before a wall of windows (and even have the option of sitting outside!).
So yeah, my lunch just leveled up.
ROUND FIVE: AP Art III
When I signed Mrs. Keeton's AP art contract, I signed my soul away to the Art Devil.
I am dreading this class and I don't know why I signed up for art other than an obligation to the subject and as an amateur, self-taught artist who has no interest in portraits or still life or painting or any traditional art media... but even that's not much of a reason, now is it?
On the upside, Katie and Lucia join me once again in this class (although they're not AP), and that brightens my day like no other. On the downside, Sarah Kinney is also joining us this year and I hate her with the burning fire of a thousand suns.
ROUND SIX: Algebra II
I was surprised to find that most of the students in this class I had in my freshman algebra I class! That said, I hate all of them and they are loud, obnoxious, and incredibly stupid. The teacher is a new one to the school but not new to teaching. Her name is Ms. (Mrs?) Seifert and all I can think of when I read her name is Sephiroth. She is nice on the outside but didn't impress me. I get the impression her teaching method does not mesh with my learning style.
My original intention was to take Mrs. Valentine's algebra II class, ever since I had her for algebra I. She taught me well, and was super nice - we became fast friends. I plan to go to my counselor tomorrow and see what I can do about remedying this. I'm hoping it won't mess up my schedule too badly, as there are some classes I will not sacrifice despite everything.
ROUND SEVEN: Physics
Uhm guys the teacher is really cute in that nerdy kind of way! His name is Mr. Bess and he is new to the school apparently! Though he didn't say how long he's been teaching. He cries while watching movies and I think he's great. I hope his teaching skill matches his metrosexual prowess!
Phillip is in this class (as is Neil but let's ignore him because he is the most annoying individual I've ever had the displeasure of meeting) and we cheated a guy out of his seat so I could sit next to him. WE ARE MEAN LITTLE STUDENTS. I look forward to all of the CRAZY science hijinks we will get up to this year! Considering it is a regulars class I have little to no fears of difficulty.
Also one of the girls in this class was in the same animation class I was in last year. She told me that Mr. Strait showed the class my animation today, saying it was one of the best! Mr. Strait does not easily dish out praise like that, so I was incredibly flattered. I will definitely miss animation this year - they got shiny new Macs to work on, with large, gorgeous flat screen monitors. :(
AFTER SCHOOL I STALKED MR. FIELDS AND FOUND HIS NEW ROOM. All day I was keeping an eye out at the science/lab rooms, looking for his name on the door, hoping I'd find him. There was one science hallway I hadn't been able to check, though, so I took a detour and OMG. He has like the best new room ever. I missed him so much idk that sounds so creepy but guys, rly ;-;
We talked for a little while with another girl who was in my class last year and man I feel so creepy saying this but just talking to him for those ten minutes made my whole week.
He still remembered my promise to take his AP biology class!! I told him that even though I was dreading it, I promised him, and damnit I'm going to do it! --as long as he goes easy on us. XD He said he would, as much as he reasonably could in that kind of class.
I'd call him my favorite teacher ever, but I think that rank is still held by my third grade English teacher Mrs. Shorey. ;-; <3 But he's definitely right up there...
I also like, don't have a locker, so I'm hoping to get to school early tomorrow so I can remedy that situation. I'm hoping to request one in the same hallway I had it last year and the year before (incidentally the same hallway Mr. Fields is in now BUT THAT HAS NO RELATION I just like it because it's a quiet hallway) but who knows how well my confidence will hold up, or even if the secretary will be kind enough to listen to me.
I'm hoping Mrs. Bayer (crisis counselor for those just tuning in) will call me in sometime later this week or at the start of next week so I can recap her on my life and current goings-on. I feel like I need to discuss my anxiety medication with her, if not just to get a second opinion. And plus, with the information I'm about to reveal below, we have a lot of uncomfortable ground for me to cover if I'm hoping to further heal my emotional wounds and scars.
MOVING ON TO MORE CRITICAL NEWS
Guys I am so excited (and simultaneously very very scared). When my mother picked me up after school today, she got very serious, and it scared me at first because that's like, never good. She said she had a talk with Jon....... about my name change!
As a not-so-brief summary of my current situation, I am dragging around a last name from my father's side of the family. For as long as I can remember my relationship with them has been strictly due to parental force, and obligation to my father. They are, by nature, reclusive, depressive, and rude. We only ever talked during holidays, and it was always awkward and strained. Thus, with my father's passing, I feel no ties to them at all. I, quite frankly, want nothing to do with them. We have nothing in common anymore. I resonate much more with my mother's side of the family - at the end of the day I am truly Italian, and that's all I want to be.
When my parents divorced, my mother changed her last name to our ancestral family name, Cavalieri. I have loved it from the beginning (it's my brother's middle name!) but most recently have I longed to make it my own. Close to two years ago I begged my mother: please, let me change my last name. She understood my reasons, and sympathized, but family relations require strategy and tact - both of which, unfortunately, held me back up until this point.
My mother's logic was this: I cannot burn my bridges with my grandparents, because they are still my blood relation and are a source of money for college and future endeavors. (Not only that, all the money donations for me and my brother from my father's memorial was given to them to care for, so I need to get that back from them!) And more importantly to myself, my brother loved my father dearly - they were nearly identical. His complete 360 from his horrible life living on the street to his successful career and drug-free life now was supported completely by the fact that my father wanted Philip to do well - and with his passing, his past words mean more than anything. Should I change my last name to my mother's, how isolated and abandoned would my brother feel?
That said, my mother concluded that I should change my last name when I turned 18 and could legally do it on my own. It would therefore be seen as my "own" choice and not my mother's. A reasonable request but man did it ever piss me off. (I hate waiting.)
And so, this afternoon my mother told me Jon's opinion, which had apparently swayed her own opinion on the matter. Jon felt that I should change my last name before I go off to college, so all my school records are under the same name - not to mention all my future credit cards and driver's license, all of which are a huge pain to alter post-name change. Having gone through all of that herself with her name change during the divorce, my mother understood completely and told me that she had already bought the official government name-change packet and had filled it out.
All we have to do now is get it notarized, send it off to a court, and wait ~6 months for them to process it. And then, I will be Grace Cavalieri. (Look that name up on Wikipedia - she's my great-aunt! So technically I will be Grace Cavalieri II, hee.)
Anyway I'm going to chill with some Digimon Frontier (much too tired to focus on a re-watch of Mebi Gaiden 2, as much as I'd love to - I got a wonderful filling of Mebi with hoshikage's new fic chapter anyway!! <3333) before crawling off to bed to repeat today all over again...
VerusMaya II
I feel like I owe my friends list an apology.
This year, I am older - I feel obligated to change and improve myself the way I've always dreamed of doing so. In order to do this, I must destroy my awkward mental barriers and come to terms with who I am and simply accept the fact that I can't constantly oppress myself in order to please or avoid annoying others.
I am going to stop hiding behind my filters on livejournal. I will post the entries I feel like posting and not regret it or friends lock it later. I will express my opinions in the way I want to, and not spend hours agonizing over the phrasing of sentences in order to sound less spastic and scatterbrained.
So... as a fair warning... if my future spam-like real life entries bother you, by all means feel free to cut me from your friends list. I'll understand. :]
(my twitter entries are the exception: those are pure spam, so I will keep them under a separate filter - should anyone currently not seeing them for some reason desire to be spammed, by all means inform me!)
First day of school, guys! It sucked, lemme tell 'ya.
Actually I will tell you, and it didn't really suck, but it wasn't good either and that's just as bad as sucking in my opinion!
ROUND ONE: US History
I got there early because it's aaaaall the way in D hall which is like, in the back of the school. Social anxiety trait: when offered to select between a wide variety of positions to sit, the socially anxious will almost always select a seat close to the door. --check. My trademark is the second seat away so I'm not in the first row, but I'm still close.
I know two people in the class, neither of which I'm close friends with. (One is mildly obnoxious and the other I haven't talked to since my freshman year so yay!) The teacher is Mr. Benton and is best friends with my world history teacher from last year, so they are similar in nature. Which basically means, don't mess up and it'll all be cool. He hasn't impressed me yet, though, and the rest of the class seems more slow than my one last year (I was blessed with a pretty smart class last year, I miss them terribly). I'm hoping the class won't suck too bad because I loathe history to no end.
ROUND TWO: Sociology
Uhm, guys, there are 8 students in this class excluding me. SERIOUSLY. And my one friend is thinking of dropping the class in order to be a student aide for Mr. Fields. Which I can totally understand because man if I had a class to drop I'd throw that thing off my schedule faster than an Olympian throws a javelin in order to be his aide!
So anyway it occurred to me halfway through the introduction to the class that damn, sociology is about society and people interacting. I knew what sociology was... but I didn't stop to think about the class. This means that I will inevitably be forced to stand up and interact - which is the last thing I want. :(
The teacher is Mrs. Lewis and she is nice enough but looks like the type of person who gets really pissed off should you decide to cross her. I am withholding judgment on the class at large because my love for psychology could prevail and the class still be enjoyable.
ROUND THREE: Japanese II
I cannot express my sorrow about this class. I cannot express my anger about this class. I love Kuwahara-sensei and I think she's great and given the right classroom environment she'd really shine as a dedicated teacher... but too bad pretty much every. single. kid. from last year's class passed with me. I hate 99.9% of them and they are annoying and largely retarded and why, WHY, are they taking this class - this OPTIONAL class - if they're not dedicated to or even remotely interested in the subject matter? I will NEVER understand other kids.
ROUND FOUR: AP English III
Chelsea is in this class, at least, which will inevitably save me many times in the near future, and will hopefully take the edge off the pain that is Advanced Placement and English combined.
First class in the day where we actually worked. Theme statements, talked about half of our summer reading, attempted a theme statement of our own. (I'm proud of mine, but I think it was a fluke!)
Mrs. (Ms?) Bufkin didn't honestly smile once. I get the feeling I won't ever see her laugh. I can tell right off the bat our relationship will be strictly business only and at the end of the day I will hate and dread her class more than any other (even art).
ROUND FOUR POINT FIVE: B Lunch
Good news everyone! I have lunch with like, EVERYONE. Chelsea, Clint, Andria, Phillip. :D It made me really happy because last year I had lunch with a bunch of lo-- okay they really were a bunch of losers.
OMGEEZ guys we're sitting in the CORRAL now. Here let me explain: my school is divided in half. There is the disgusting and brightly painted cafeteria that reeks of 200 freshmen and sophomore kids cramped in a tiny, mostly closed off room with limited windows and all artificial lighting... and then there is the nice, pristine, wide, open, high-ceiling 'corral' where the juniors and seniors sit before a wall of windows (and even have the option of sitting outside!).
So yeah, my lunch just leveled up.
ROUND FIVE: AP Art III
When I signed Mrs. Keeton's AP art contract, I signed my soul away to the Art Devil.
I am dreading this class and I don't know why I signed up for art other than an obligation to the subject and as an amateur, self-taught artist who has no interest in portraits or still life or painting or any traditional art media... but even that's not much of a reason, now is it?
On the upside, Katie and Lucia join me once again in this class (although they're not AP), and that brightens my day like no other. On the downside, Sarah Kinney is also joining us this year and I hate her with the burning fire of a thousand suns.
ROUND SIX: Algebra II
I was surprised to find that most of the students in this class I had in my freshman algebra I class! That said, I hate all of them and they are loud, obnoxious, and incredibly stupid. The teacher is a new one to the school but not new to teaching. Her name is Ms. (Mrs?) Seifert and all I can think of when I read her name is Sephiroth. She is nice on the outside but didn't impress me. I get the impression her teaching method does not mesh with my learning style.
My original intention was to take Mrs. Valentine's algebra II class, ever since I had her for algebra I. She taught me well, and was super nice - we became fast friends. I plan to go to my counselor tomorrow and see what I can do about remedying this. I'm hoping it won't mess up my schedule too badly, as there are some classes I will not sacrifice despite everything.
ROUND SEVEN: Physics
Uhm guys the teacher is really cute in that nerdy kind of way! His name is Mr. Bess and he is new to the school apparently! Though he didn't say how long he's been teaching. He cries while watching movies and I think he's great. I hope his teaching skill matches his metrosexual prowess!
Phillip is in this class (as is Neil but let's ignore him because he is the most annoying individual I've ever had the displeasure of meeting) and we cheated a guy out of his seat so I could sit next to him. WE ARE MEAN LITTLE STUDENTS. I look forward to all of the CRAZY science hijinks we will get up to this year! Considering it is a regulars class I have little to no fears of difficulty.
Also one of the girls in this class was in the same animation class I was in last year. She told me that Mr. Strait showed the class my animation today, saying it was one of the best! Mr. Strait does not easily dish out praise like that, so I was incredibly flattered. I will definitely miss animation this year - they got shiny new Macs to work on, with large, gorgeous flat screen monitors. :(
AFTER SCHOOL I STALKED MR. FIELDS AND FOUND HIS NEW ROOM. All day I was keeping an eye out at the science/lab rooms, looking for his name on the door, hoping I'd find him. There was one science hallway I hadn't been able to check, though, so I took a detour and OMG. He has like the best new room ever. I missed him so much idk that sounds so creepy but guys, rly ;-;
We talked for a little while with another girl who was in my class last year and man I feel so creepy saying this but just talking to him for those ten minutes made my whole week.
He still remembered my promise to take his AP biology class!! I told him that even though I was dreading it, I promised him, and damnit I'm going to do it! --as long as he goes easy on us. XD He said he would, as much as he reasonably could in that kind of class.
I'd call him my favorite teacher ever, but I think that rank is still held by my third grade English teacher Mrs. Shorey. ;-; <3 But he's definitely right up there...
I also like, don't have a locker, so I'm hoping to get to school early tomorrow so I can remedy that situation. I'm hoping to request one in the same hallway I had it last year and the year before (incidentally the same hallway Mr. Fields is in now BUT THAT HAS NO RELATION I just like it because it's a quiet hallway) but who knows how well my confidence will hold up, or even if the secretary will be kind enough to listen to me.
I'm hoping Mrs. Bayer (crisis counselor for those just tuning in) will call me in sometime later this week or at the start of next week so I can recap her on my life and current goings-on. I feel like I need to discuss my anxiety medication with her, if not just to get a second opinion. And plus, with the information I'm about to reveal below, we have a lot of uncomfortable ground for me to cover if I'm hoping to further heal my emotional wounds and scars.
MOVING ON TO MORE CRITICAL NEWS
Guys I am so excited (and simultaneously very very scared). When my mother picked me up after school today, she got very serious, and it scared me at first because that's like, never good. She said she had a talk with Jon....... about my name change!
As a not-so-brief summary of my current situation, I am dragging around a last name from my father's side of the family. For as long as I can remember my relationship with them has been strictly due to parental force, and obligation to my father. They are, by nature, reclusive, depressive, and rude. We only ever talked during holidays, and it was always awkward and strained. Thus, with my father's passing, I feel no ties to them at all. I, quite frankly, want nothing to do with them. We have nothing in common anymore. I resonate much more with my mother's side of the family - at the end of the day I am truly Italian, and that's all I want to be.
When my parents divorced, my mother changed her last name to our ancestral family name, Cavalieri. I have loved it from the beginning (it's my brother's middle name!) but most recently have I longed to make it my own. Close to two years ago I begged my mother: please, let me change my last name. She understood my reasons, and sympathized, but family relations require strategy and tact - both of which, unfortunately, held me back up until this point.
My mother's logic was this: I cannot burn my bridges with my grandparents, because they are still my blood relation and are a source of money for college and future endeavors. (Not only that, all the money donations for me and my brother from my father's memorial was given to them to care for, so I need to get that back from them!) And more importantly to myself, my brother loved my father dearly - they were nearly identical. His complete 360 from his horrible life living on the street to his successful career and drug-free life now was supported completely by the fact that my father wanted Philip to do well - and with his passing, his past words mean more than anything. Should I change my last name to my mother's, how isolated and abandoned would my brother feel?
That said, my mother concluded that I should change my last name when I turned 18 and could legally do it on my own. It would therefore be seen as my "own" choice and not my mother's. A reasonable request but man did it ever piss me off. (I hate waiting.)
And so, this afternoon my mother told me Jon's opinion, which had apparently swayed her own opinion on the matter. Jon felt that I should change my last name before I go off to college, so all my school records are under the same name - not to mention all my future credit cards and driver's license, all of which are a huge pain to alter post-name change. Having gone through all of that herself with her name change during the divorce, my mother understood completely and told me that she had already bought the official government name-change packet and had filled it out.
All we have to do now is get it notarized, send it off to a court, and wait ~6 months for them to process it. And then, I will be Grace Cavalieri. (Look that name up on Wikipedia - she's my great-aunt! So technically I will be Grace Cavalieri II, hee.)
Anyway I'm going to chill with some Digimon Frontier (much too tired to focus on a re-watch of Mebi Gaiden 2, as much as I'd love to - I got a wonderful filling of Mebi with hoshikage's new fic chapter anyway!! <3333) before crawling off to bed to repeat today all over again...
VerusMaya II