The absolute and the relative.
I feel that lately I've compromised. I've compromised much more than usual. My mind is mute and my soul has become vegetative. Sure, I've modified such worldly habits as my diet and other small things here and there, but the pillars that kept my mind stable and at least decently sharp are crumbling due to abandonment and disrepair. Despite any architectural metaphors pointing at the slight yet steady decline of a once respectable intellect, I appear just fine. I'm over San Diego. I'm over anything in a two-hundred mile radius, to be honest with you. By the proverbial "you", I mean those who actually read this.
This is my first time online in over a month. Not that its a terrible thing, mind you, it's just that lately, I have a hard time finding things that amuse me. I feel like the goldfish who just finished exploring the small confines of his bowl. And that very same bowl, despite its diminutive size and sobering confinement, is made of the clearest glass. That glass taunts me, as it magnifies and surrounds me with the image of the world that exists beyond the immediate reality. I have, for some reason beyond my limited comprehension, become more pragmatic and I even dare say more practical and realistic. Recession, maybe? I don't know. I'm still broke, though.
I had a dream last night I was in India and it was warm.
John has changed, too. I don't know how thats going. Regardless, all is well. Relatively, of course.
I'm going to be honest here, I'm actually on the brink of falling into a small depression. I'm not sad, nor am I sick in any way. Everything has become so bland, so monotonous and so disgustingly superficial that it's really starting to get to me. Forget on a metaphorical, emotional or psychological level; I think this is probably getting to me physically, too. I've become increasingly detached to the things that I know I need to incorporate in my life, yet for some reason, I avoid them. I act as I see fit, but for others. I miss being true to myself. I miss smiling for the sake of it and knowing what is good and what is bad based on my own absolute morality, not my relative interpretation of what others see fit. I miss having people listening to what I say because they find it interesting, not because I'm "dramatic" or "funny". I miss being articulate both in thought and in conversation and having others seek me for those very same reasons. I miss having goals. I miss achieving them.
Another thing I miss; My friends. Not my "friends" but my friends. I've distanced myself from the people I know mean the most to me and want nothing but the best for me. Yet I seemingly just forgot about them. Well, to all of you whom I may have brought this upon: I apologize. I'm an asshole and please forgive me because I have no idea what has become of me. Concepta, I know you've been busy and all, but I extend an apology to you, too. There is no reason for me to have been as distant and practically nonexistent as I have lately. You kept my mind awake in the frigid heat that this palm tree prison is "en vogue" for. And Chase, I've been nothing short of a total dick to you. I want you to know that even despite all the awkward silence I've created between the two of us and even with all the undue stress I've given myself over something that I took irrationally, I still love you and wish the absolute best for you. I do. I think of you constantly and wonder how you're doing, and honestly, I wish I could see you again sometime.. It feels awkward to say this while in a relationship, but I can't help what I feel.. I will send you a card for your birthday. I'll be able to better verbalize what I feel that way. Keypads are cold, regardless how vivid the thought expressing each keystroke. Try to understand.
I hate Christmas and the time preceding it. I really do.
Cheers and happy holidays.