(no subject)
alex has encouraged me to keep a REAL journal.
which is helping? kind of.
mostly i dont know where to begin with anything. so i'll make a few lists.
good things:
-moving in with alex over the summer
-he seems super excited about it
-we talk about baby names
-we're taking a trip around Europe before we move in together
-we basically sleep together every night
- i got in to the nursing program at UM
-things seem better between my father and i
-Nicole came back from boston and we had a great time catching up last night
-ive gotten A's on all my exams so far (and ive had one exam in every class)
-i havent biten my nails in 2 weeks
-i havent smoked a cigarette since last night- but before that it had been a month!! im doing this "only in social settings" things that i tihnk its working out
-my doctor's helping me find a new shrink
- im happy with my classes
-im in love with Alex
not so good things:
-im annoyed
-im anxious
-im inpatient
-im sure im annoying to other people
-i hate my body. more than ever probably
- Alex wants to support me but gets frustrated. he says things like "can't you just remember how you felt last time you ate something like that and how bad it felt?? cant you just think for a moment before you eat it?" or "are you sure you want that? i dont want to hear about it later if you dont" or, my personal favorite, and the most pressing comment "this is a splinter between us and its only going to get bigger and uglier and worse if you dont decide to own up to it"
-i cant own up to it
-i dont feel pressure or obligated (internally) to change
-i dont feel guilty about it
-i only feel terrified of not having it
- my doctor's helping me find a new shrink because i just stopped going to the other one. i felt like i was paying someone to literally sit across from me and ask "well but how does that make you feel" talk about cliche useless bullshit.
-things are so unpredictable with my dad- they're ok now, but who knows, tomorrow he might hate me, and that idea keeps me constantly anxious.
-i always feel like im ABOUT to seriously fuck up in some major way.
am i just not ready? am i not "cut out" for it? will i ever be ready to face the world, relationships, life and its stresses without this coping mechanism? i just dont think so... and not because i cant.... but because i honestly feel like not having it would be so so much worse. vulnerable in a different way.
and i hate to think i could get better and all of sudden turn into a huge hefer who doesnt realize how large and unattractive she is just because now she "doesnt worry about her body"
mostly that thought paralyzes me. i cant seriously listen to anyone lately who tries to give me advice on how to push past this wall i seem to have in front of me. i dont like it here, im uncomfortable in my own skin and i hate my self but i know whats going on here, and i cant bear the idea of being on the other side with nothing to hold on to...
hm.
and i dont want to hear anyone; alex, nicole or my doctor, tell me i dont need that or that i can develop other healthier coping mechanisms. because i just dont want to....
why on earth dont i want to?
somewhere, i guess since its been so long. this little thing...
gosh i remember being fifteen years old and being able to tell the difference between one voice and the other. this one says do this for these reasons, but there was another one- small at times, but present that would remind me of health, and happiness and dealing with problems i had with the people i loved.
but my world isnt high school anymore
and i dont feel like i have unresolved problems with anyone or anything. i want to be happy, but i just fucking hate my stupid, complaining, lazy, fat disgusting guts.
and sometimes i wish i could NOT feel that way for a moment...
but mostly im scared.
its strange how also i never feel better after these pointless little scribbles and rants. i just feel blank. not better, not worse. just kind of frustrated that i got nothing out of it... i figured i made the effort for some reason.
which is helping? kind of.
mostly i dont know where to begin with anything. so i'll make a few lists.
good things:
-moving in with alex over the summer
-he seems super excited about it
-we talk about baby names
-we're taking a trip around Europe before we move in together
-we basically sleep together every night
- i got in to the nursing program at UM
-things seem better between my father and i
-Nicole came back from boston and we had a great time catching up last night
-ive gotten A's on all my exams so far (and ive had one exam in every class)
-i havent biten my nails in 2 weeks
-i havent smoked a cigarette since last night- but before that it had been a month!! im doing this "only in social settings" things that i tihnk its working out
-my doctor's helping me find a new shrink
- im happy with my classes
-im in love with Alex
not so good things:
-im annoyed
-im anxious
-im inpatient
-im sure im annoying to other people
-i hate my body. more than ever probably
- Alex wants to support me but gets frustrated. he says things like "can't you just remember how you felt last time you ate something like that and how bad it felt?? cant you just think for a moment before you eat it?" or "are you sure you want that? i dont want to hear about it later if you dont" or, my personal favorite, and the most pressing comment "this is a splinter between us and its only going to get bigger and uglier and worse if you dont decide to own up to it"
-i cant own up to it
-i dont feel pressure or obligated (internally) to change
-i dont feel guilty about it
-i only feel terrified of not having it
- my doctor's helping me find a new shrink because i just stopped going to the other one. i felt like i was paying someone to literally sit across from me and ask "well but how does that make you feel" talk about cliche useless bullshit.
-things are so unpredictable with my dad- they're ok now, but who knows, tomorrow he might hate me, and that idea keeps me constantly anxious.
-i always feel like im ABOUT to seriously fuck up in some major way.
am i just not ready? am i not "cut out" for it? will i ever be ready to face the world, relationships, life and its stresses without this coping mechanism? i just dont think so... and not because i cant.... but because i honestly feel like not having it would be so so much worse. vulnerable in a different way.
and i hate to think i could get better and all of sudden turn into a huge hefer who doesnt realize how large and unattractive she is just because now she "doesnt worry about her body"
mostly that thought paralyzes me. i cant seriously listen to anyone lately who tries to give me advice on how to push past this wall i seem to have in front of me. i dont like it here, im uncomfortable in my own skin and i hate my self but i know whats going on here, and i cant bear the idea of being on the other side with nothing to hold on to...
hm.
and i dont want to hear anyone; alex, nicole or my doctor, tell me i dont need that or that i can develop other healthier coping mechanisms. because i just dont want to....
why on earth dont i want to?
somewhere, i guess since its been so long. this little thing...
gosh i remember being fifteen years old and being able to tell the difference between one voice and the other. this one says do this for these reasons, but there was another one- small at times, but present that would remind me of health, and happiness and dealing with problems i had with the people i loved.
but my world isnt high school anymore
and i dont feel like i have unresolved problems with anyone or anything. i want to be happy, but i just fucking hate my stupid, complaining, lazy, fat disgusting guts.
and sometimes i wish i could NOT feel that way for a moment...
but mostly im scared.
its strange how also i never feel better after these pointless little scribbles and rants. i just feel blank. not better, not worse. just kind of frustrated that i got nothing out of it... i figured i made the effort for some reason.