(no subject)
i need to do this for a little
i love being busy, i love diving into my self, i love that i do this for hours at a time
i love that im doing well in school. but i have to do better.
i love that during the week i dont even have to see sean, so eating "meals" only happens now on the weekends. i mean, i love him, but im tired of him shrinking me just because hes a psych major and deciding he knows better than i do whats right for me. its arrogant and patronizing as all hell.
i took some sort of turn in boston this weekend.
i dont think im going to hurt myself this time.
i just want to live my life on my own terms. and if that means fucking losing weight, then i will.
in just endlessly unsatisfied and dissapointed with myself and im tired of crying for hours in front of the mirror and having to lamely excuse my whale of a body because "this is healthy"
I think i would have learned my now what it means to be hungry and what to do when i feel it.
sean still assumes im so fucking out of touch with my body, when im not. i get hungry, and i eat, what i want, when i get hungry, and just enough to not be hungry. and thats how i should eat. its been too many months now that i eat on someone elses clock of when breakfast lunch or dinner time is. just because its 9 am doesnt mean i have to stuff my face. id rather wait until my body lets me know im hungry.
the point is- ive gained too much weight. im out of control and i need some of it back.
fuck it all.
i love being busy, i love diving into my self, i love that i do this for hours at a time
i love that im doing well in school. but i have to do better.
i love that during the week i dont even have to see sean, so eating "meals" only happens now on the weekends. i mean, i love him, but im tired of him shrinking me just because hes a psych major and deciding he knows better than i do whats right for me. its arrogant and patronizing as all hell.
i took some sort of turn in boston this weekend.
i dont think im going to hurt myself this time.
i just want to live my life on my own terms. and if that means fucking losing weight, then i will.
in just endlessly unsatisfied and dissapointed with myself and im tired of crying for hours in front of the mirror and having to lamely excuse my whale of a body because "this is healthy"
I think i would have learned my now what it means to be hungry and what to do when i feel it.
sean still assumes im so fucking out of touch with my body, when im not. i get hungry, and i eat, what i want, when i get hungry, and just enough to not be hungry. and thats how i should eat. its been too many months now that i eat on someone elses clock of when breakfast lunch or dinner time is. just because its 9 am doesnt mean i have to stuff my face. id rather wait until my body lets me know im hungry.
the point is- ive gained too much weight. im out of control and i need some of it back.
fuck it all.