A Kiss Before Dying (4/10)
Title: A Kiss Before Dying (4/10)
Rating: R for language and content
Summary: 15 year old Veronica has never been kissed and Lamb makes her a promise. Characters/Pairing: Veronica/Lamb, (mentions of Logan, Duncan, and Keith)
Spoilers: will eventually be through entire series but AU from 3X14
Word Count: 4100
Disclaimer: I don't own Veronica Mars or the phrase ‘A Kiss Before Dying.’
A/N:. Tensions are running high between Veronica and Lamb. I always felt that Veronica’s mindstate in season 2 wasn’t very good. Like she really had no idea what she wanted and everyone was expecting something from her and no matter what she chose she was hurting someone. I demonstrate that here. You will also get a better idea I think of just how important she is to Lamb. This is not a happy chapter.
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3 months, 2 days, 8 hours, 5 minutes and 10 seconds later.
August 31, 2005.
The minute I arrived on the scene I looked for her. I knew she'd been on that bus; I'd been keeping tabs on her the best I could since the incident with Aaron and although it wasn't easy in her normal life, when it came to school activities I had a little more control.
I died a little inside when I saw what remained of the bus. If she was on it, she was gone and I wasn't willing to accept that fact, so I stood there, staring over the edge hoping to god for a miracle when I felt something. I was being watched and not by one of my deputies or a random bystander, by someone important, more important than anyone else.
I turned my head and felt a wave of relief crash over me. There she stood, off to the side and surrounded by the kids from the limo, Echolls and the Kane kid among them and both of them standing close to her, probably feeling the same relief I was.
We made eye contact and kept it for the longest time. I don't know how I kept myself from running to her but I did, this was neither the time nor the place for me to admit to the world that I was under Veronica Mars' spell. So we continued to stand there.
After an initial investigation of the scene Sacks and I approached the group of kids on the side of the road to get their statements. We separated them, speaking to them individually and I not only made sure I was the one to talk to her, but that she was the last one left.
I sent the limo on its way when we were done with the other kids and Veronica followed me silently to my cruiser and got in the front willingly. When we got back to Neptune I drove us to my apartment and once again she followed me in silence.
I closed the door behind us and stood there for a second with my back to her. I didn't know what was going to happen this time. I knew she was having a hard time where her personal life was concerned. She'd broken it off with Echolls in July but remained by his side as a friend and Duncan had tried to get her back but she'd refused him. I was thrilled on both accounts, but I also knew that both boys were still hounding after her. And sure, things hadn't been awkward between us since our 'almost' night together, but nothing else had happened and she'd been downright cold to me the few times I'd seen her. I just didn't know where she…we stood.
When I finally turned around she was staring at me like I'd grown an extra head. "Why didn't you take me home?"
I laughed a little and shook my head. "You seriously have to ask?"
She looked shocked and it caught me a little off guard. "Oh, I guess…well I didn't think. You should have just taken me home."
I stepped closer to her and took comfort in the fact that she didn't try to move away. "You weren't complaining in the car. You saw I was going the wrong direction to take you home, so if it was such an issue you should have said something Mars."
I kept advancing on her in an almost predatory nature and she continued to stare me down, not giving me an inch, when I was more than ready to take multiple miles. And then she faltered a little. "I guess I wasn't paying attention."
It was a bold faced lie, she knew exactly where I was taking her and why. "So were you not paying attention when you got out of the car or walked into my apartment either?"
She started to look nervous. "Well I…"
I finally reached her and brought my hand to her face, brushing a stray hair out of the way. "Are you paying attention now?"
She nodded slightly. I smiled and leaned in, I was only an inch away when she interrupted me. "I need to get home; I need to see my dad so he knows I'm ok."
I sighed and pulled her into my arms. "Ok, but not now."
I moved in again and once again she stopped me. "I…I can't do this."
I looked into her eyes and saw fear, and it bothered me beyond belief, she should never be scared to be with me. What was happening here? I knew she still didn't trust me and she wasn't ready for me, but I just wanted a few moments with her. I just wanted to reaffirm to her and myself that we were still both there and both breathing. "What can't you do?"
She tried to get out of my arms but I held her in place, so instead she averted her gaze and refused to look at me. "I can't be with you."
I brought my hand to her chin and raised it so she was looking at me again. "You don't have to be with me Mars, not yet, not till you say so. I only want to keep my promise. I only want one kiss."
She smirked a little and I couldn't help but return it, I thought that maybe I was getting my Veronica Mars back. "It's never just one kiss with us Deputy."
I smiled, leaned in again and breathed against her lips. "I know."
Before she could stop me again I pressed my lips to hers and instantly her arms were around my neck, her resistance gone.
I lifted her off the ground and she curled her legs around my waist as I carried her towards the counter setting her on it. She was matching my enthusiasm intently, kissing me back with equal fervor and arching into my hand when it closed over her breast. Within no time my shirt was gone and she had whipped hers off over her head, took her bra with it and she was bent back over the counter. She made no objections when my hands undid the button on her jeans or slowly slid the zipper down, there was no hesitation of any kind, only a low pleasureful moan from her as I pushed my hand inside and my fingers grazed over her covered center.
I was so in tuned to what was going on and the way she was making me feel, the way I thought/knew I was making her feel, that it took me by complete surprise when just as I was about to slide a finger under the material of her soaked panties she suddenly pushed me away.
I stepped back in shock and just looked at her, lips swollen, hair mussed and half naked with a wanton look in her eyes. What the fuck just happened?
"I said I couldn't do this Lamb!" Suddenly she was crying and pulling her knees up to her chest as she continued to sit on my kitchen counter. And I was just, well fuck, flabbergasted would probably work.
"What's wrong?" There had to be something wrong. There was no other explanation for it. She had been into it, it wasn't just in my mind.
But she looked so distraught and it killed me. "I'm just so confused right now with everything; all I want is normal and I just can't seem to find it! I have Duncan and Logan continually expecting me to choose and then the fucking bus crashes and Meg was on it and it's my fault she wasn't in the limo and now you have to go and make it all worse! I can't choose, I don't want to choose; I just want to let go and let things take their course! Can't you people see that?"
And then she was off the counter, frantically redressing herself with tears still spilling from her eyes.
"I'm not asking you to choose." I wasn't was I? Fuck, I was. I was always asking her to choose. Every time I touched her or looked at her, I was begging her to pick me.
"Yes you are! I don't trust you! I don't trust them! I don't trust anyone so how the hell do you all expect me to put faith in any of you?"
This wasn't what I'd intended, what I'd wanted. I'd only wanted a minute or two with her, more if she allow it and she had. But now she was in an even worse state than before. I was hurting her and I hated hurting her. "Veronica I…"
"No, I don't want to hear it! I can't do this!"
Finally fully clothed but still frantic, she tried to get past me but I grabbed onto her, holding her against me and pleading with her. "Wait, stop, please don't leave like this. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to scare or push you. I love you. What can I do to fix this, to help you? What can I do to make this better?"
"You can stop."
"Stop what?"
She looked away from me again and refused to meet my eyes when the most horrific words I'd ever heard left her mouth. "Stop loving me."
I may not have stopped loving her but I think I stopped breathing and all I could respond with was a simple. "No."
"Then I guess you don't intend to keep the promise that you would always help me."
And then she was shoving me off of her and walking out the door and I was standing there broken. What had just happened? What had I done? I would never stop loving her and even if I did, it wouldn't be helping her. What was her problem?
And as I continued to watch her I figured it out.
It wasn't just that she didn't trust me; she didn't trust herself when she was with me. She hadn't meant what she said at all, because she wanted me more than ever.
But it didn't matter how much she wanted me.
Because she wanted normal and we weren't normal. Far from it.
I avoided him at all costs after that. I was so ashamed of my actions that I couldn't bring myself to face him.
I'd wanted him so badly and for awhile I really thought I could do it, just give myself to him completely. But I was just, well, a fucking mess in that moment and I freaked out. I'd been so tired of everyone expecting something from me and I just couldn't handle it anymore and with the bus crash, and Meg. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I knew he was onto me though, he knew there was no truth to anything I said, I didn't want him to stop loving me, it was one of the only constants in my life, I couldn't give that up even though it would be so much easier if he did stop. And it scared the shit out of me to realize how much I wanted him.
But the problem was that no matter how much I wanted him, I still hated him and still didn't trust him and until that was conquered I couldn't give him the chance he so desperately wanted. That I, so desperately wanted to give him.
When I saw him at Jessie's house a few days later he looked at me like he hadn't seen me in years. Like he might throw me over his shoulder any second and take me away, keep me all to himself. I couldn't decide if that would be a bad thing or a good thing. I was beyond confusion. Logan wanted me, Duncan wanted me, which made me physically ill regardless of the tentative friendship we'd revived, and Lamb, as always, was waiting I the wings, wanting me more than the other two combined.
But the entire time I was there I had a horrible sinking feeling and it wasn't from his feelings for me or any of that. It was anger. I was so fucking mad at him. For his investigation into the bus crash, for not listening to me or my dad again, for how he was going to ruin Jessie's family. I couldn't let that happen, wouldn't let that happen.
And then later he made the anger worse when he kicked me out of the interrogation room without saying a damn word. I knew he just wanted me to stay out of it and stay safe but it just made me even madder. So I used that anger and I found the truth.
But that anger had a domino effect to it, leading me to the truth and then to an epiphany that would lead me towards one of the biggest regrets of my life.
He was wonderful and perfect when I went to him, so happy to finally have me and so willing to take what I was offering. But as wonderful and amazing as it was, when it was over, I felt beyond guilty as I laid in his arms. I'd made my choice and I was happy with my choice, but not as happy as I should have been or could have been. I would always regret the fact that Logan was my first..because it should have been Lamb.
And now I had a heaping pile of guilt to add to the distrust and hate that had come between Lamb and I.
September 20, 2005
I'd hardly seen her since the day of the crash.
I was so hell bent on keeping her out of the investigation, even if just for her own good, that I completely ignored everything she and Keith said. It was like reverse tunnel vision, completely disregarding everything Veronica Mars, for the first time in years my mind wasn't focused solely on her, it was focused on my work and only my work, trying to solve the case before she could and keep her from getting hurt again.
But of course, as always, that didn't happen and she found the proof that the bus driver didn't kill himself and I was back to square one. It was getting harder to handle and I felt myself getting angry with her.
And then that fucking body washed up on the beach with her fucking name on its palm and I just didn't know what to do anymore. I was more scared than I ever had been when I saw that. She refused to talk to me and she didn't want me in her life, or at least she pretended that she didn't, so I had Sacks bring her in.
But she didn't show up alone and the sight that met me as I walked out of my office literally broke my heart in two. Fucking Logan Echolls. I could tell just from the way he was standing there with her, touching her, standing too close to her, making sure everyone knew that she was his, I knew he'd had her.
Fuck, that son of a bitch had slept with her.
And it hurt like a mother fucker, I wanted to run back into my office, close the shades, curl up in a corner and die. I didn't think it was possible to hurt like that or to hate him more than I already did, but apparently it was.
When she saw me it was like a deer in the head lights. She followed me into the interrogation room and didn't say a thing. She knew I knew.
I showed her the pictures of Curly and got what I could out of her. The entire time I wanted to just shake her, knock some sense into her, beg her to tell me it wasn't true, beg her to choose me, not him. To take back what she gave him and give it to me. She was supposed to have given it to me!
When she went to leave I couldn't take it anymore. "Why?"
She didn't turn back to me, just stared straight ahead. "He was the easiest choice."
Why was I doing this? It was just making the pain even worse. But I knew that that wasn't the whole reason she chose him and even though I knew I was setting myself up for the worst pain known to man I went forward. I got up from my chair and stepped up behind her. "Why?"
She still refused to look at me. "He's not you."
And that's what broke me completely, the two pieces of my heart just shattered, she'd turned her back on me both figuratively and literally. I'd lost her and didn't know if I'd ever get her back.
No, no that wasn't true, I would get her back it would happen, it had to. I grabbed her by her shoulder and spun her around before pressing her between myself and the door, I went to lean in and capture her lips but she stopped me.
"Why do you hate him so much?"
Stupid question, it was obvious why I hated him. "Why do I hate him? Really Mars? Like you don't know. What happened to 'Veronica Mars is smarter than me'?" She didn't respond so I pressed against her harder, my hands moving up and down her side, just barely grazing her breasts and making her shudder slightly. "I hate him for touching you; I hate him for having been inside you. I hate him for being allowed to keep you. I hate him for no other reason than the fact that he has what I want, what I've always wanted and will always want. I hate him for giving you what I've always wanted to." She didn't say anything, just continued to stare into my eyes but I saw that hint of guilt again. She knew I was right, she knew she'd made a mistake. And then I pressed my hand against her lower belly and whispered in her ear. "But just so you know, if the cuddling was the best part, he didn't do it right." She gasped a little and I smiled as I pulled her earlobe between my teeth eliciting a moan from her before I continued. "And someday Mars, I'll prove that to you."
I looked back to her eyes again and she said nothing. She didn't need to because her physical response said everything she needed to say. Her lips were immediately on mine, her arms around my neck pulling me closer, against her, into her. And then, just as fast as it had started, it ended and she pushed me away.
She just looked at me and as I moved back to her she grabbed the door handle. But before she could open the door and walk out of my life again, I reminded her that she was connected to me whether she like it or not. "Enjoy it while it lasts Veronica, because I still intend to keep my promises."
I'd kiss her again, many many times; she'd never be able to resist me. I knew that now, not even hate, or anger, or distrust could stop her from wanting me.
And someday we'd be together.
And until then, she'd better get used to me, because I wasn't going anywhere. If she thought I was a thorn in her side before, she hadn't seen anything yet, every time she turned around I'd be there. And if she wanted to hurt me, fine. Because I'd just hurt her right back.
After all, we always hurt the ones we love.
8 months, 14 days, 7 hours, 36 minutes and 2 seconds later.
June 3rd 2006 2AM
Cassidy Casablancas is lucky he threw himself off that roof, because if I had been the one to figure out what he'd done to Veronica…..it would have hurt a whole hell of a lot worse.
I didn't see her at The Grand. I'd arrived just after she left with Echolls and fuck, if I'd known that she thought her dad had died I would have called her immediately. She wouldn't have answered, things had gotten worse with us but I would have at least tried. I took him off that plane at the last minute because I had a bad feeling, I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something wrong and you can bet I was glad that I did it when the fucking thing blew up.
Just like every other time she had been at death's door or around death I went to her. My need to see her and feel her outweighing the doubts in my mind; he ones warning me that she still wasn't ready to forgive me for all my wrongs, that she still hated me and didn't trust me. Things had not been good between us for months, worse than ever actually. It was like we were in a competition to see who could hurt who the most, a competition that I didn't even want to be part of, but couldn't get out of. So even though I knew I could just be setting myself up for more hurt but I went to her anyways.
I was almost to her door when I looked in the window, the shades were open slightly and there she was, lying on the couch, asleep in Logan Echolls' arms.
He had taken my place; he had stolen my one purpose in life, to comfort, to heal Veronica Mars.
I'd lost her and I left more heartbroken than ever.
But two days later I walked into my office to find her sitting in my chair.
She didn't smile as I closed the door behind me, or when I walked towards her, or when I pulled her up from the chair taking her place and pulling her into my lap. She didn't smile at me or say a single word until I put my arms around her, embracing her tightly. "You weren't there."
I thanked god the minute the words were out of her mouth, I still mattered, she'd wanted me there and she thought I hadn't come; it had bothered her that I hadn't come. She still wanted me; she still wanted me to comfort her. I hadn't lost her to him completely. "Yes I was."
She looked up at me then and I loosened my hold on her so she didn't have to crane her neck. "You were?"
I nodded and I could see the understanding on her face, she knew I was telling the truth and she knew why she didn't see me and she looked guilty again and sad, because once again her relationship with Logan had hurt me. But I didn't want her to feel that way this time, not like the last when my words had been meant to hurt her. So this time I let my actions speak for me, I cupped her cheek and kissed her lightly and when I pulled back she finally smiled. I didn't kiss her again, I just sat there with her, holding her.
She left 20 minutes later, not a word was spoken as she stood up, the only interaction we had was one more small, sweet, kiss before she turned towards the door.
After she was gone I slouched back in my chair and stared at the wall. That's when I noticed the wrinkled and worn piece of paper lying on my desk. It looked like it had been read a million times, a million different ways.
I promise that this won't be the last time I kiss you.
And I promise that someday we will have this again, just you and me.
And I don't break my promises.
And underneath my words were three new ones.
You too Deputy.
Those three words completely renewed my faith in her and in us, she'd heard me that morning as I left her house and it may have taken her a year to say it back, but she did say it back and that was what mattered.
And that is when I made myself a promise. A promise I would be as hell bent on keeping as the ones I'd made to her.
I wouldn't try to hurt her just to get her attention, I wouldn't follow her or track her every move and the next time she came to me….I would listen and I would help.
I'd fix it; I'd gain her forgiveness, regain her trust and make myself worthy of her love.
And we would have that someday. Even if I died trying.
9 months , 22 days, 13 hours, 21 minutes, 57 seconds post 18th birthday and still counting.
----Chapter Five http://community.livejournal.com/veronica_lamb/54742.html--
Thanks for reading! Comment please!
A/N2: Since I don't mention it, Keith and Lamb do go head to head in the election just like in canon and all other events between them (V/Lamb/Keith) concerning the bus crash transpire as well. and when Duncan leaves, both Veronica and Logan help him.