Misanthropic Man
Pain is inexhaustible; it's people that get exhausted. Lost in it a swirl of chemicals masquerading as emotions. A Trojan horse of what is well spoken, but hardly ever heard. Always on sleeves, but never given time to address it when in need. Caught in a balancing act between a unabashed lover and a solemn emotionless soldier. I can see the outcomes as they run across my mind; I can picture them over and over and over. Don't be to available. Don't be too nice. Don't take it to heart. Grow stronger. Don't let it get to you. Don't get emotional. Don't be emotionless. Can't find a balance with all this incessant intemperance. Unrelenting and inconsistent advice for how to love this life. I can't be expected to do anything right, but what is right for me is trying to right myself. Ships set and shipshape discussions of cargo and emotional baggage. Off loading and processing each item helps to prepare for the next major storm. Marching on a path forward, sideways, and sometimes even backwards. Having to bow my head to pride projected outwards. Containment must be implemented before I lash out once again. I've got these hands and I've got this pen. I've got this fire and I've got this burn. I'm wrestling with anger and the thoughts of what I wholeheartedly deserve. Been giving in now I can't give a damn. This twisted misanthropic man can't ever get out of his own mind long enough to follow even a semblance of a foolhardy plan. Maybe an outline that keeps on getting pulled from the bottom of my heart line, can overcome my prowess for believing that I'm completely powerless. Decrying and defending against my own subconscious, I'm not even conscious of what I'm even doing in most places let alone what I'm doing. Not full able to control. I contrive and try to be convivial with those I really can't stand. Shit for a poker face; getting even worse now that I'm more or less showing my entire hand. I couldn't bluff and pretend like I'm the stronger man. That saving face just got old and the only thing it did was made me mad.