[One-shot] Surrender.
Author: Veridanya [軽]
Beta Reader: lady_yu [Thank you very much!]
Pairing: SakurAiba, mention of Sakumoto
Genre: Angst, Romance.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, since it’s illegal owning people. Only the story is mine.
Summary: Aiba is tired to filter his feelings towards Sho, but the older man is too scared of his own, as to react in a way he doesn't hurt, his friend.
Sho had just returned from London, right on time for the scheduled recording of Shiyagare. He was dead tired and hungry, which was the reason for his irritation and bad mood… however, this wasn’t the first time he had done a recording in these conditions - years in JE will teach you to “deliver like a pro” despite your moods.
The first half of the recording went fine, except for the long, lingering looks Aiba shot him from his corner of the set and at first he actually didn't mind. He probably just wanted to know about London and the Olympics, but after a while the looks became gradually more intense and they lasted longer, to the point of becoming annoying. He was trying his best to not snap at his friend and ruin the 30 minutes of recording he had been working so hard for.
Once in the green room, Jun went out to make a phone call on his cell. Nino and Ohno seemed to read the heavy atmosphere between the other two members and followed Jun outside. Sho decided to ignore Aiba’s gaze, which hadn’t shifted from him all this time, and took the news paper from a nearby table. Seating on the big couch in the corner of the room, he hoped to give a silent statement along the lines of “I need my 5 minutes of privacy!”. However as soon as he started reading, he felt how Aiba took also a seat on the couch - even if he was on the other end of it.
"What Aiba? What?!" He snapped his nerves raw, his tension high.
"Whoa~, someone is grumpy…" Aiba mumbled, pouting slightly without averting his eyes from him.
"I'm sorry, but you have been looking at me since I arrived and you haven’t spoken a word to me yet.” Sho took a deep breath and folded his paper. He was so tired and his day just wouldn’t end, “Honestly; what is it? What you do want?"
Aiba placed his phone in his back pocket. Was he holding it this entire time?
"You know what I want."
Sho put the paper he was reading down, onto the coffee table in front of him, and shifted uncomfortable on the couch.
"What is it?" He asked directly, even though he had a feeling this wouldn’t turn out well… he was too high strung and his opposite to straightforward and clumsy for this evening to end on a pleasant note.
"I want you to make love to me." Aiba said, looking at him straight in the eyes. Sho knew this expression: Aiba was serious.
"Aiba..." The older man said, rubbing his face with his hands and trying to take the edge out of his voice "we have talked about this..."
There was a pause, until Aiba suddenly stood up and walked straight to the door. Before opening it though, he turned to look at Sho and met his gaze for a few seconds.
"I know; just friends. Nothing less, nothing more." And the door shut behind him with a loud bang.
Sho let a frustrated grunt slip past his lips. He could clearly hear the bitterness in Aiba’s tone, see the shadow of disappointment in his eyes, and what was worse, feel the agonizing guilt clenching his chest. His friend was suffering because of him and he couldn't do anything about it. Actually, he could but his feelings, his gut and his brain wouldn’t let him.
Sho made a mental note, to add “emotional turmoil” into his list of thing that could get him cranky.
~*~*~
For the second half of the recording, Aiba didn't look at him once. He didn't even acknowledge his existence, if it wasn’t needed. Other than Ohno, Nino and Jun, the crew didn’t notice anything wrong. That proved Sho, that Aiba could be an airhead, stubborn and clumsy, but above all he was also a pro in their business and therefore very good at hiding his feelings if needed.
Once the taping was over, Aiba was the first one to leave. Sho, disturbed from the treatment of the last hour, tried to catch up with him to talk, but it was clear the younger one had no intention of doing so. Sho had no other choice but to go back to the green room and pick his stuff before heading home. When he entered the room, only Jun was still there.
"What happened?" His young band mate asked, taking Sho by surprise.
"Nothing." Sho replied curtly. Jun wasn’t stupid, even if he completely shut himself in, he would probably still be able to read him like a book.
"Whatever. If you don't want to tell me, it’s fine." Jun said walking to the door "Just don't ruin it again." and the door swung shut behind him.
Sho knew what he meant. He also knew Jun was right. He was ruining it all again, just how he did years ago, when an awkward Jun told him he loved him and he couldn’t stop himself to act like an asshole; making fun of his feelings, because he was too scared and didn’t know how to handle the situation.
He sighed. Sometimes he wished his mind would let him forget…
*
The coming weeks were hard on him and the remaining members of Arashi; Aiba wasn’t talking to him, Jun gave him weird looks (like he knew everything, but he couldn’t understand), Nino's remarks were dry-witted - more than he was used to - and Ohno was trying his best to read his band mates, so he could somehow help. Sho however knew that only he could fix the situation, even if the result was unclear.
After successfully recording Zero a few days later, he immediately left the studio and headed to Aiba’s place. At the gate he had to wait for 20 minutes, speaking nonstop to the intercom till Aiba let him in.
"What are you doing here?" was the first thing the tall man said, when Sho appeared at his front door.
"I want to talk to you…"
"Didn’t you say “We’ve talked about this” ? You know, I got it then - no need to come and repeat it.” Aiba pointed at the elevator door with his head, “Could you now please leave?”
"Masaki..." Sho said, squeezing past Aiba into his apartment, "I'm not leaving"
Aiba gave him a bitter, half smile and walked to the living room, motioning the other to follow him.
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you, I really do..."
"…But only as a friend…"
Sho ignored Aiba’s mumbled words on purpose and continued.
"But I don't want this.” Sho made a rough gesture between them, pointing first to the other man, then to himself, “I can’t deal with such feelings...I love you, but I'm not sure I can give you what you want. I’m not sure I can be the one you want - or how you need me to be… and I can’t… Is not something that I want for me, for my life. Is not what Sakurai Sho is.”
Aiba closed the gap between them and placed a finger over his lips, making him stop.
"Sh...Don’t say anything else.” He paused, waiting for Sho to protest, but the older one remained quiet. “I know but...I can't help to want you, to want to be with you, to tell you that I love you, and I have tried Sho, I really have, to push my feelings away, to tell myself that as long as you be happy with whatever you decide I'll be too...but it saddens me to know...that I can't make you happy, and is hard to have to go around with a filter every time I say something or do something, because I'm not supposed to force my feelings on you...and sometimes, like a few days ago, I just want you to scream that I want you, that my body aches to feel your touch…and...Fuck!"
Aiba lowered his head, cursing at the wooden floor, trying to stop the tears. Hiccups followed and his whole body shook with their intensity.
Sho felt himself swallowing dry, suddenly taking big breaths to stop the nausea. It hurt to see his friend like that and to be the reason for his pain.
"I'm sorry... I wasn't supposed to cry...” trying to rub away the flood of tears with his hand, Aiba hiccupped again before speaking in a clearer voice, “I think it’s best, if we avoid each other for the time being.”
Sho’s heart sunk. "What do you mean?"
"I... we should only talk if we need to… I... it’s better this way"
"…No."
"Sho...you know I’m right. Maybe..."
"No! Who gave you that idea!? I don't want you to take distance from me! No!"
Aiba was about to respond to the sudden outburst, but Sho interrupted him, pulling him close and kissing him, with a mix of desperation and fear, like if he stopped kissing him, Aiba would disappear. He didn’t want that, he couldn’t let it happen. And it was then, that Sho finally was able to stop thinking. His mind was blank, his body numb, apart from a warm feeling that started in his chest and spread from there all the way to his toes and the top of his head.
He didn't exactly knew how they ended in Aiba’s bedroom, or how long it took them to get there, but as soon as his body hit the sheets it was like he was in a dream. He listen Aiba’s voice, already starting to crack a bit and when he asked him if he was sure, all Sho could do was to kiss him again.
Every touch, every kiss felt so right. Sho forgot about his own restrictions, his own doubts and his fears, and then it hit him: He wanted this; he wanted Aiba's lips on him, his skin against his, his hands on him, always. He had wanted him, all of him, by his side, for such a long time, he didn't care if this could put his life upside down, or how different to what he had wanted for his life was, because he wanted Aiba as he had never wanted anything in his life before.
He had ran once, he had hurt a person before, for his fear and his preconceived ideas, he had hurt Aiba so much by now, but he was decided to mend it, because Aiba worth it, because he loved him.
_____________________
Author note: Hello!!! We are alive! LOL After a long time I finally could publish this. I hope you had enjoyed it, and that soon we’ll be able to have more stories to post. As usual I’m open to concrit and all the comments are appreciated ^^