MR. NOTHING II: I'LL WASTE MY TIME, AND I'LL BURN MY MIND [6 & 7/7]
A/N: probably there are grammar fails, sorry for that.
Chapter 6
The other seemed shocked by the sudden comment, well it was expected.
“What it’s my fault?”
“That tattoo, I got it after you helped me. I just… I don’t know, just got it”
The other smiled to the response, though Aiba wasn’t sure about why.
“Can I ask you a favor?”
A favor? Aiba thought, what, he was going to ask for a payback for the last fuck?
“You can use me when you need it, just… don’t keep hurting yourself like that”
Ok, now he was feeling stupid, he didn’t get this boy at all, and felt moved at the same time by his words.
“Why do you care that much?”
“You keep asking me that. Just do me that favor, ok?”
“Ok”
“Thanks”
Aiba didn’t know what to say, and observed the other smiling before falling sleep, he took his time and observed him, he was handsome and seemed so peaceful, he even felt jealous, he could never be like that, not even when he was sleeping.
But somehow, just the sight of him and his warm was enough to make him feel protected and for the first time at ease with whatever this was.
He felt asleep too without noticing, for first time in many years he didn’t wake up chased by the ghost of his past, and he wondered what the other guy had to do with that. He turned around and looked at him, and with precaution he leaned to brush his lips against the other one’s, trying to not wake him up.
“Whatever you are doing, is scaring me, you know?” he whispered and stood up, heading to the kitchen.
Soon after he comeback with a glass of water on his hand, and found himself face to face with Sho.
“Ah, good morning, thought you had left?”
“Should… I have left?”
Of course he should. Suddenly he felt even more stupid than before, but the other guy seemed to read his mind and quickly said.
“No, no, no! No, you shouldn’t, I just didn’t find you and thought you had, but was honestly hoping to wake up by your side… I mean, well, no but…”
The other guy kept mumbling a long list of things he couldn’t understand and started to look like a tomato, somehow the image was so funny and he couldn’t avoid but to start laughing.
“What’s funny?”
Aiba was about to say something between laughs when the other interrupted him
“Wait! You can laugh!”
Wait, what?
“You thought I couldn’t? I must look even lamer than what I thought…”
The other laughed, and he found himself mesmerized by the sound of it
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that it’s the first time I see you like that, that just surprised me… you should do it more often”
Suddenly he felt his cheeks warm and couldn’t avoid feeling embarrassed.
“So, what about breakfast? I’m not the best cooker so can’t offer you anything elaborated so… what about coffee and cookies again?”
He didn’t even give him time to answer and in matter of minutes, he was back with a tray with cookies and coffee while motion him to sit down. Suddenly his stomach started to growl, he hadn’t realized he was hungry until then.
He grabbed a couple of cookies and started to devour them
“So, what do you have to do today?”
“wfogrk”
The other started to laugh again; he had to admit that now that was his favorite sound in the entire world.
“Sorry, what?”
“Work, I have to work”
“With the dogs?”
“Yes. Well, not exactly. On Saturdays I take care of the shop”
“Can I go with you?!”
“Why do you want to come?”
“Ah, please me. Please?
In that moment the other boy looked like a small kid begging for a candy, somehow the image of him was adorable
“Ok, but don’t touch anything. I can’t afford to lose that job.”
“I’ll be like a wall!”
The other seemed pleased by the answer and rushed to get ready, while Aiba remained sat, drinking his coffee and thinking about how things had started to change, how the other made him feel vulnerable and he wasn’t fighting it that strongly.
“You can take a shower if you need it, and… well, maybe they won’t suit you a lot, but you can also pick some clothes”
Aiba just nodded as reply and walked in his direction, heading to the bathroom. He took a quick shower, the cold water running through his body felt so good, and helped him to clear his mind a bit. When he finished he rolled a tower around his hips and after thinking it for a long time, he headed out, his secret was already out, so there was no point trying to hide it now.
“Well, I’m not sure it will fit you, but it’s the best I can offer to you”
“It’s ok… thanks”
He let the towel fall and started to get dress there with the other in front of him, after all it was late to start to feel self-conscious; he already had sex with the guy twice. He felt the other’s gaze on him, but tried to let it pass, and kept dressing.
Chapter 7
He wasn’t sure when or how it happened, but by now they already had a routine, and they have some sort of relation tho, this far none of them had dared to put a name to it, and if it worked like that for them so why to bother anyway, right?
Aiba started to develop a sense of security and comfort around Sho, at times he would find himself wondering what if this ended up bad. But as soon as Sho was around him, all the worries disappeared, and only mattered that moment.
It had been two months already, and though he still kept alert, he let the walls fall more often. Sho had kept his word, he kept letting him use him, but Aiba wasn’t sure anymore that whatever he was feeling was based only on that, and surely he didn’t want to hurt the other, after all he hadn’t been anything but good to and with him.
There were times that Aiba still felt insecure, and as funny as it could sound he became self-conscious of his scars, especially every time he and Sho had sex, he hadn’t mentioned but he knew Sho had taken the habit of trace with his fingers all of them, after or before the act, like if he was memorizing the length and amount, like mentally counting if there wasn’t any new cut, a scratch or any other indication of harm on his skin, part of him was moved by the gesture but another little voice inside him felt slightly hurt for the other thinking he still had to check. But no new cut was there, even when sometimes all the bad things still gulped inside him and his skin craved for the sharp of the blade.
Despite of all the easiness, and the fact Sho knew about the cuts, Aiba still hadn’t brought himself to talk to him about the true reasons behind it, that was a door that he wasn’t willing to open, no matter how good Sho was, because who would tell him that with that it all would disappear or it’d feel less asphyxiating? No, he wasn’t going to risk to that, to let the ghost out and then not being able to pull them back to the dark corner where he had buried them.
That night was supposed to be as usual, a few drinks at the same club, and then he would meet with Sho who previously told him, he would go out, as a hint that he wanted to meet him, and of course he wasn’t going to let him waiting. For his surprise as soon as he arrived, and scanned the place Sho wasn’t there but not long after he saw him along with his friends, he just knew him by sight, but he was sure, the guy with the pretty features didn’t feel very sympathetic towards him, not that he cared though. He waited for Sho to come at him, as usual and they got lost inside their own worlds, close enough to let everyone know they were together but far enough to do what they pleased, after a few drinks, he noticed the other putting down his glass, to quickly feel his hot breath against his ear.
“Will you come with me today?”
“Need to go to the toilet first”
As if he needed to ask, Aiba never said to no to him. He had replaced his previous addictions with a new one to the other’s presence. But he wasn’t going to let him know, he wasn’t going to give him more power over him, so he never accepted openly how much he wanted to go home with him everytime they saw each other, he saw Sho’s smiling at him before he turned around and headed to the bathroom. Once he entered he laughed, who would have thought that what started in that same place few months back would turn in this, huh?
He headed outside as quickly as he could, but as he got close he saw Sho talking with someone else, not that it was different from every other night, the guy was attractive as hell but it was known he was with him, plus there was something on that guy with whom Sho was talking and the way he looked at Sho, and started to touch him that made something inside his mind click.
Too good to be true, idiot Aiba thought while a bitter smirk appeared on his lips, he was going to leave discretely but then Sho looked at him, and it was all he needed to feel how the air escaped from his lungs, he rushed outside while millions of thoughts started to gulp inside his mind, how stupid he had been! How he had thought this could last when it had been proved over and over again that nobody cared, nobody committed enough to make it last. Nobody would want somebody like him for a long time, huh? Well world, karma, universe or whatever the fuck that kept proving him that, he was done with all that shit, he was about to make a favor to everyone. The pain in his chest told him this time cuts won’t do, nothing would do to sooth his pain, so he walked to the roadside, one lucky hit of a car and will be over, no more pain, no more anger, no more Aiba Masaki, it all would end.
He closed his eyes while opening his arms, waiting for the impact, when suddenly he felt something pulling him, and pain on his body, when he opened his eyes he saw Sho, who was hugging him and kissing him, while tears ran down his cheeks.
“I thought that I’d lost you, you… why? Why Masaki?”
“You… found someone else, I...”
“No, that’s not it. I’m here, I’m here for you. It’s ok”
Suddenly Aiba couldn’t hold it anymore and started to cry, for first time in a really really long time, he was crying. He grabbed Sho’s shirt as if his life depended of it, while the tears kept running without him being able to stop it.
"Not you too, don't leave me you too"
"I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving you I won't break your trust and sorry about before, but I was rejecting him"
Years of suppressed feelings, of silent fears trying to escape made Aiba unable to stop crying, he felt his body shacking and as much as he tried, he couldn’t make it stop, it was just as he had thought, once you open the door to all those feelings, it can’t be closed down again. He started to fight for air, and after that everything was a blur. He didn’t know how or when he had arrived to Sho’s place.
"I was 6 when my parents abandoned me” he said in a lower voice, when he managed to calm himself enough “I was much of a burden for what it seems. Then went to an orphanage, and when I was 11 was adopted. I thought I'd have a family again and that all the dreams I had would come true and I will be happy. But they just wanted me because of the money, that's why they adopted a grown up kid, they were not interested in having a family. After the first year, I got used to get treated coldly but then he... He started to touch me and after that he started raping me and she would just beat me because I was stealing away his husband. Like if I wanted that to happen.”
He snorted remembering that, and then continued
“Little by little I closed myself and started to do anything to get out of my head. One day, I had no more tears or pain, I had nothing, and I felt empty. I ran away from there when I was 15"
He felt Sho’s hug tightening and he appreciated it, he didn’t know in what moment he had started shaking again.
"But you know, I've always know I'm a useless person. So it doesn't make a difference… Sometimes I really wish I was never born"
He really meant it, he remembered all those time he laid on his bed, wondering what was the purpose of his existence if not even his parents had loved him enough to not abandon him, and how good it’d be to sleep one day and never wake up, but he wasn’t lucky enough for that to happen.
He knew the other would be shocked, but his arms around him were enough comfort for him.
"And then you appeared and for the first time somebody seemed to pay me attention not just to use me and... I didn't know what to do. I promised to myself not to trust in anybody again but… why can't I stop looking for you?"
It was then when the other finally spoke
"Don't even think again about finishing your life, it hurts way too much knowing that you may hurt yourself, but I couldn't live if you do that. I just couldn't."
A gasp escaped Aiba’s mouth, was he really that important for the other? He never dreamt of anyone saying those kind of things to him, it was the first time anybody was telling him that and it made him happy, that at least one person could consider him important enough to ask him to not kill himself, that his death would meant something for someone, but at the same time seemed so surreal.
"You can't love me, I'm ..."
"You're wrong; I do love you, all that you are. I really do, and want you to stop doing this to yourself. I... I want to hug you when you're bad and make you smile and I want to make you as happy as you deserve"
It was then when he decided that for him, for this person it was worth trying.
“Help me, Sho…”
It came out as whisper, but he meant it, he wanted help to stop being a self-destructive person, he turned and kissed Sho as trying to let him know that he wanted to be with him that if he lived was for him, all for him.
That night, for the first time they made love, as cheesy and cliché as that could sound, the touches, the movements, everything was different and not even for a second Sho stopped telling him that he loved him.
And then a thought crossed his mind when his gaze met Sho’s, maybe for the first time in his life he could stop being nothing and aspire to turn into everything, everything Sakurai Sho could need.