Negative Energy: Envy, Urges, Obsessions (2 of 3)
Because of my brain injury, I have little impulse control. When I see something I want, I focus on the object until I get it. This has created problems for me.
I compulsively buy books off the internet. Because of my brain injury, I cannot go to libraries. Since I loved to read, I visited the public library every week. Also, I worried about not having enough to read, and usually checked out a lot of books. Because the library is over-stimulating to me now, I become physically ill. Also my ability to read has been impaired greatly. However, I still crave the intellectual stimulation of reading. I miss books terribly, and what they contain.
What happens is that I often shop on-line at two booksellers. Since their websites are designed to sell a lot of books, I find it easy to buy more books. Before I realize what I am doing, I spend a lot of money. At present, my small condo is overrun with books. Since everything is done on-line, it lacks the physicality of acquiring the actual object. Therefore after buying the books, I usually forget what I had bought. It is the act of acquisition that satisfies me.
Once I had a fire in my brain to purchase books on dinosaurs. After discussing this with my therapist, I still had the brain fire. It increased after I put the books on my wish list to think about. Becoming uncomfortable, I was single-minded in ending my torment. Totally consumed with the desire I went nuts, and bought a $100 of dinosaur books and DVDs. I could not wait until they arrived in the mail. When I held the books in my hands, the fire in my brain finally died out. Now I am stuck with all these books and have little desire to read them.
I do have the memory of competing with my long-time girlfriend. We went to work at the same place at the same time. I became jealous of the attention paid to her, and her many promotions. During this time, I thought many nasty and unkind thoughts about her. It did not help when people would compare us, and found me lacking. At that time, I was battling major depression. All of my energy was devoted to getting better, and not focused on advancing at work.
Adding to my envy was that my girlfriend lived in a big house in the country. She had a nice garden that she enjoyed. She and her husband took trips everywhere and always went first class. In contrast, I lived in a small condo in the city. Because most of my money went into medical expenses, I resented her ability to go anywhere at any time.
Grappling with my urges has been difficult. How I resolved my impulsive book buying was to give up my credit cards. When I want to buy something, I have to explain why to my family. Then we total up what I had already spent that month to see if I can afford it. This acts as a barrier since I do not keep my personal information on-line. If I purchase the item, I need to write a check and pay the bill in full. This method has proven to be helpful for me.
I compulsively buy books off the internet. Because of my brain injury, I cannot go to libraries. Since I loved to read, I visited the public library every week. Also, I worried about not having enough to read, and usually checked out a lot of books. Because the library is over-stimulating to me now, I become physically ill. Also my ability to read has been impaired greatly. However, I still crave the intellectual stimulation of reading. I miss books terribly, and what they contain.
What happens is that I often shop on-line at two booksellers. Since their websites are designed to sell a lot of books, I find it easy to buy more books. Before I realize what I am doing, I spend a lot of money. At present, my small condo is overrun with books. Since everything is done on-line, it lacks the physicality of acquiring the actual object. Therefore after buying the books, I usually forget what I had bought. It is the act of acquisition that satisfies me.
Once I had a fire in my brain to purchase books on dinosaurs. After discussing this with my therapist, I still had the brain fire. It increased after I put the books on my wish list to think about. Becoming uncomfortable, I was single-minded in ending my torment. Totally consumed with the desire I went nuts, and bought a $100 of dinosaur books and DVDs. I could not wait until they arrived in the mail. When I held the books in my hands, the fire in my brain finally died out. Now I am stuck with all these books and have little desire to read them.
I do have the memory of competing with my long-time girlfriend. We went to work at the same place at the same time. I became jealous of the attention paid to her, and her many promotions. During this time, I thought many nasty and unkind thoughts about her. It did not help when people would compare us, and found me lacking. At that time, I was battling major depression. All of my energy was devoted to getting better, and not focused on advancing at work.
Adding to my envy was that my girlfriend lived in a big house in the country. She had a nice garden that she enjoyed. She and her husband took trips everywhere and always went first class. In contrast, I lived in a small condo in the city. Because most of my money went into medical expenses, I resented her ability to go anywhere at any time.
Grappling with my urges has been difficult. How I resolved my impulsive book buying was to give up my credit cards. When I want to buy something, I have to explain why to my family. Then we total up what I had already spent that month to see if I can afford it. This acts as a barrier since I do not keep my personal information on-line. If I purchase the item, I need to write a check and pay the bill in full. This method has proven to be helpful for me.