I feel lost.
I read about people traveling or having fun with their families, and I think about how I feel trapped in a bad place by joblessness and debt, how i feel guilty about spending credit instead of money. I think about the potential friendships I have and try to figure out why I'm not pursuing them. I think about how I don't want to get close to anyone here so that when I move back to Boston I won't hurt anyone... and about how I've drifted away from so many people back home. I read about stranger's lives and wonder where their problems are, I read about tragedies and wonder if I should care. Everything seems distant and indistinct- my goals, my connections to what makes me happy... they seem so ephemeral. Is my sense of self-worth linked to my net-worth? I don't like to think so, but a part of me seems to say yes. I see my brother's circle of friends, and, though I shouldn't, I compare it to my own. I feel like a facade in front of my family, a child in front of my friends, idle in front of my peers. My first instinct is to withdraw more, to throw up more barriers about my emotions, to become a blank to the world, to fit in and not to challenge... I want to be free, to know where I'm going, to make friends and art and music and happiness...
...but how?
...but how?