[ suju 100 ] 058. lies - 1/100
058. LIES - dee -
dbdbyeah
shiwon / shiwon - angst - pg - 335 words a/n: for the suju 100 fics challenge. my 100 fics archive: here.
original post: 12.21.07
Shiwon cringed. It was subtle, but he did. And he felt it. He felt every shake and every awkward flinch Shiwon made everytime he reached out to touch him. It never used to be like this. They used to be closer. Something was there (between them) not a long time ago. But just like that, it was gone. And he didn’t know why.
Shiwon didn’t know either.
He was supposed to be happy; this was supposed to be it. They were supposed to be okay. But at the back of his mind, he kept lingering on the thought that what they had was wrong. He loved it when he kissed him. He craved his taste on his lips, his warmth beneath his arms, his voice tickling his ear, his everything… Shiwon craved all of him.
What am I gonna do? Oh my god, what am I supposed to do?
His cravings overwhelmed him sometimes. And Shiwon hated catching himself off-guard - trembling, aching for more of what he wasn’t supposed to have (need.) He wasn’t supposed to be Shiwon’s. And Shiwon wasn’t supposed to be his. And this, what they had, wasn’t supposed to be real.
I can’t keep doing this. I have to… stop? I have to stop!
Shiwon said his name for the first time that day - almost desperately, almost pleading - almost, but not quite. And he stood up, with inquiring eyes and trembling lips.
His eyes fell, his throat started to dry, and his breath began to quicken; his heart got broken in two as Shiwon told the biggest and the most painful lie of his life.
“…I’m not gay.”
Shiwon walked away - ignoring him and his about to be tear drenched face, silently calling out for him to take it back and return things to the way they were.
It hurts.
“I’m not gay…”
It really hurts…
“I’m. Not. Gay.”
Why does it hurt so bad…?
“I can’t be gay…”
Shiwon whispered to himself one last time, before shutting the door behind him.
dbdbyeah
shiwon / shiwon - angst - pg - 335 words a/n: for the suju 100 fics challenge. my 100 fics archive: here.
original post: 12.21.07
Shiwon cringed. It was subtle, but he did. And he felt it. He felt every shake and every awkward flinch Shiwon made everytime he reached out to touch him. It never used to be like this. They used to be closer. Something was there (between them) not a long time ago. But just like that, it was gone. And he didn’t know why.
Shiwon didn’t know either.
He was supposed to be happy; this was supposed to be it. They were supposed to be okay. But at the back of his mind, he kept lingering on the thought that what they had was wrong. He loved it when he kissed him. He craved his taste on his lips, his warmth beneath his arms, his voice tickling his ear, his everything… Shiwon craved all of him.
What am I gonna do? Oh my god, what am I supposed to do?
His cravings overwhelmed him sometimes. And Shiwon hated catching himself off-guard - trembling, aching for more of what he wasn’t supposed to have (need.) He wasn’t supposed to be Shiwon’s. And Shiwon wasn’t supposed to be his. And this, what they had, wasn’t supposed to be real.
I can’t keep doing this. I have to… stop? I have to stop!
Shiwon said his name for the first time that day - almost desperately, almost pleading - almost, but not quite. And he stood up, with inquiring eyes and trembling lips.
His eyes fell, his throat started to dry, and his breath began to quicken; his heart got broken in two as Shiwon told the biggest and the most painful lie of his life.
“…I’m not gay.”
Shiwon walked away - ignoring him and his about to be tear drenched face, silently calling out for him to take it back and return things to the way they were.
It hurts.
“I’m not gay…”
It really hurts…
“I’m. Not. Gay.”
Why does it hurt so bad…?
“I can’t be gay…”
Shiwon whispered to himself one last time, before shutting the door behind him.