my nose rubbed in it
I saw robert today in the first time for forever. It was odd talking to him because he was so cahnged and put together. Although I found it funny how he spoke of getting a new car, a new girlfriend, a new house, and how he seemed to look down at me with pity. He told me that obviously with being in school I need to concentrate on school and not all of those "life" things. I've been thinking about it tonight, and I find myself wondering, why are those things so important. It's true that I have "regressed" in the fact that I once had a car, and I once had a bf, and I once had plans of marriage and a house, but just because those thoughts no longer find themselves in my dreams, does that make my dreams lesser? Doesn't the fact that I had all of that and turned away from it stand for anything. I felt this little ping in my heart and wondered if it was jealosy over his new gf, or jealosy over his new life and my not being included in it. But I don't think it is, I know I wouldn't change what has happened between us and I am sincerely happy that he is happier now. I have decided that the feeling was more of a feeling of confusion over why it was that I did not want those things, and that I am indeed happy with the life I am living right now. I have, in the immediate or foreseeable future,no plans for any boyfriend, nor do I have the want for one. Does that make me a lesser person? Does that make me less accomplished in my life. I feel that society is saying "oh it's nice that you have a job, and an apartment and a cat and your research, but you have miserably failed in the relationship department and therefore I grade you with an over all F!" Am I suppose to want that, and was wired genetically incorrect? Am I reaching the point where friends will start to tell me "all the good ones will be gone"? And does it seem wrong, that however unlikely, that fact doesn't bother me. When I see myself in the future, I picture no one standing beside me and I am not scared, but unmoved.