V's VD!! Choose Your Own Adventure! Part Piss on You
Wow why did I even consider any option besides PISS?
DRIP DRIP DRIP PISS ON YOU
There was a corner of the snow castle that was nearly perfect in execution: a side tower, perfectly sculpted, complete with window cutouts and a turret. A girl was misting it lightly with a spray bottle to freeze it in place. She turned away to spray another part of the snow castle, and Darien saw his chance.
“Jesse, come here.” He trotted around the periphery of the crowd and faced down the fancy spire with a wrath usually reserved for slimy television execs. “Cover me.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m adding my own personal touch to this masterpiece.” He shrugged his overcoat out of the way and unzipped his fly. “Consider this performance art.”
A few seconds passed. Nothing. “Um, Darien, what are--?”
“Shut up!”
Another few seconds passed of non-urination. Darien gritted his teeth. “It’s cold out!”
“I can see that. Anything I can do to help?”
“Make a noise like a waterfall and stop checking out my junk.”
“Too late,” Jesse deadpanned. “Think of rain or something.”
“I’m trying!” Now his face was red with concentration. “EE! Shit, a snowflake just landed right on the tip!”
“Pee already!”
Darien shut his eyes and tried to imagine that he was at home, alone, in the gigantic master bathroom with completely closed drapes, and not in the middle of a public street with dozens of potential onlookers. No pressure. No pressure.
Nothing was happening, and now he was downright furious at his shy bladder. “Fucking, c’mon, Darien!”
The sound of another zipper broke him out of his reverie. He opened his eyes and caught Jesse pulling his own penis out. “Maybe this will help,” he offered, and with barely a second’s hesitation, started spraying piss on the snow sculpture.
A short laugh escaped his throat; his friend was usually too prissy to appear in public with so much as a hair out of place, and now he was peeing in the street like a drunk frat boy after a night of heavy drinking. He relaxed, and then so did his bladder. “Ah.” Jesse was still going strong. “Holy shit, man.”
“I had the venti,” Jesse offered as explanation.
The entire side of the snow castle was crumbling and melting. Darien felt giddy. “Jesse, we must cross the streams.”
“You sick fuck,” Jesse said, but complied. The force of the combined streams knocked a huge section off, and they quietly celebrated as it went down.
Their revelry didn’t last long. “Hey! What the fuck are you doing!?”
“Oh shit,” Jesse fumbled with his pants and started backing away. Darien made no move to flee.
“I’m pissing on your shitty snowman, you hack!” He twisted his hips and increased his kill radius; bits of urine-soaked snow fell on the pavement.
“You’re dead, Chiba!” Casey snarled, and started advancing.
“Oh ho, who’s the big man now?” Darien chortled. “Why so angry, Ace? It’s probably not even your idea to begin with, since you know, you love ripping off other people. Got something that you can suck right here, big boy.” He pulled as much of his genitals out of his pants as he could manage and waggled it at the furious man.
Then he realized that Casey was descending upon him with a hundred and sixty pounds of righteous hipster fury...and a chainsaw. “Uh-oh.” He turned to run and stuffed his junk back in at the same time, giving himself a good scrape on the zipper in the process. “OW!”
Jesse had a few seconds’ head start, but was sliding around the sidewalk in his new shoes. Darien grabbed his arm and hauled him down the slushy sidewalk. “Fucker’s got a chainsaw!”
“Argh!” Just like in the movies, Jesse’s feet slid in two different directions, and he crashed on the pavement. Darien considered just picking him up and throwing him over his shoulder, but he didn’t need a hernia on top of the zipper burn on his penis. He needed all of his pieces intact for his wife. If he ever saw her again. “Get up!”
He scrambled to his feet and they began sprinting. For a chain-smoking, skinny-jean wearing sack of shit and pretention, Casey was pretty damn fast. He was within half a block of them and was picking up steam.
A figure turned the corner and appeared in front of them: a man toting a huge bouquet of cherry-red roses. Darien grabbed at the flowers and chucked the entire thing behind him. “Unf!”
A single stem found Casey’s left eye. “OW!”
“Hey!” the guy yelled after them. Rather than risk another pursuer, Darien pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket and tossed the cash over his shoulder.
“Sorry man! Buy her another one!”
“I’m going to kill you, Chiba!”
His eyes searched frantically for something else to throw at Casey, but unlike every other goddamn day in this city, his only choices were snow and Jesse.
Their salvation came silently, in the form of a silvery-blue hybrid vehicle pulling up to the curb. “Darien?”
“AMY!” He dove for the passenger door. “Let us in!”
The petite girl turned her head and saw Casey charging up the sidewalk and paled to the color of an eggshell. “Get in!”
Jesse shoved in front of Darien. “Move the seat!”
“I’m trying!” Amy leaned over and fiddled with the seat handle with Jesse’s ass in her face.
“Hurry!” Darien lowered a shoulder and shoved Jesse in all the way, and dove after him. Casey was at their bumper. “AMY HIT IT!”
The Prius’s back wheels squealed and spun as Amy stomped on the accelerator, and sprayed a generous amount of slushy snow over Casey as they peeled away. His angry screams followed them through the intersection.
Amy was trying her best to keep her eyes on the road and bat Jesse’s legs away from her head at the same time. “What happened?” The fringe of black bangs fell in front of her sapphire eyes, which were the size of small moons. “I can’t believe I just sprayed him with snow!”
“He’ll be OK.” Darien assured her. “Casey doesn’t have a soul anyway.”
“That was Casey?” she checked her rearview mirror. “With the chainsaw?”
“He was a little angry with us. We pissed on his snowman.”
“Snowcastle,” Jesse corrected, having finally shoved a few canvas bags of groceries aside and squeezing in the narrow back seat.
“Whatever.”
Amy’s face creased into a smile; she tried to hide her grin with one blue mitten. “You are going to get arrested one day.”
“Today is not that day.” He glanced at the backseat. “Making dinner? That’s romantic.”
“It’s really not,” she explained. “Zach’s sick with the flu, and he wants his mother’s chicken and matzo ball soup, but not his mother. I’m going to try my best. I haven’t touched a chicken in years. The skin will probably feel strange.”
“Is he OK?” Sucks to be him, Darien thought. Laid up on the most sexable holiday of the year.
“He’s got a fever and sore throat, a bit of a headache, and terrible gas,” Amy replied, her face completely neutral. Darien choked back a laugh; Amy was consistently, unintentionally hilarious, and it would be a sad day when she realized this.
“Sanrio’s closed,” Jesse announced. “Too bad, D.”
“That’s all right. I’ll think of something. I still need gift for Serena,” he explained to Amy. “Did she mention...anything that she might want?”
Amy’s eyebrows raised up and disappeared behind her bangs. “Well--”
“Something that I can purchase by the end of today.”
“Oh, then I don’t know.” She brightened. “Wait, I have an idea! Give her Zach’s present to me.”
“Want me to pay you for it?”
“How about instead....um...oh I know! You have to help me make his soup. I really don’t want to touch dead flesh.”
This could work. “What did Zach get you?”
SO everyone: What did Zach get her? Essay question this time!!!
And This is what he would have to had to fight over at the Sanrio Store!
DRIP DRIP DRIP PISS ON YOU
There was a corner of the snow castle that was nearly perfect in execution: a side tower, perfectly sculpted, complete with window cutouts and a turret. A girl was misting it lightly with a spray bottle to freeze it in place. She turned away to spray another part of the snow castle, and Darien saw his chance.
“Jesse, come here.” He trotted around the periphery of the crowd and faced down the fancy spire with a wrath usually reserved for slimy television execs. “Cover me.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m adding my own personal touch to this masterpiece.” He shrugged his overcoat out of the way and unzipped his fly. “Consider this performance art.”
A few seconds passed. Nothing. “Um, Darien, what are--?”
“Shut up!”
Another few seconds passed of non-urination. Darien gritted his teeth. “It’s cold out!”
“I can see that. Anything I can do to help?”
“Make a noise like a waterfall and stop checking out my junk.”
“Too late,” Jesse deadpanned. “Think of rain or something.”
“I’m trying!” Now his face was red with concentration. “EE! Shit, a snowflake just landed right on the tip!”
“Pee already!”
Darien shut his eyes and tried to imagine that he was at home, alone, in the gigantic master bathroom with completely closed drapes, and not in the middle of a public street with dozens of potential onlookers. No pressure. No pressure.
Nothing was happening, and now he was downright furious at his shy bladder. “Fucking, c’mon, Darien!”
The sound of another zipper broke him out of his reverie. He opened his eyes and caught Jesse pulling his own penis out. “Maybe this will help,” he offered, and with barely a second’s hesitation, started spraying piss on the snow sculpture.
A short laugh escaped his throat; his friend was usually too prissy to appear in public with so much as a hair out of place, and now he was peeing in the street like a drunk frat boy after a night of heavy drinking. He relaxed, and then so did his bladder. “Ah.” Jesse was still going strong. “Holy shit, man.”
“I had the venti,” Jesse offered as explanation.
The entire side of the snow castle was crumbling and melting. Darien felt giddy. “Jesse, we must cross the streams.”
“You sick fuck,” Jesse said, but complied. The force of the combined streams knocked a huge section off, and they quietly celebrated as it went down.
Their revelry didn’t last long. “Hey! What the fuck are you doing!?”
“Oh shit,” Jesse fumbled with his pants and started backing away. Darien made no move to flee.
“I’m pissing on your shitty snowman, you hack!” He twisted his hips and increased his kill radius; bits of urine-soaked snow fell on the pavement.
“You’re dead, Chiba!” Casey snarled, and started advancing.
“Oh ho, who’s the big man now?” Darien chortled. “Why so angry, Ace? It’s probably not even your idea to begin with, since you know, you love ripping off other people. Got something that you can suck right here, big boy.” He pulled as much of his genitals out of his pants as he could manage and waggled it at the furious man.
Then he realized that Casey was descending upon him with a hundred and sixty pounds of righteous hipster fury...and a chainsaw. “Uh-oh.” He turned to run and stuffed his junk back in at the same time, giving himself a good scrape on the zipper in the process. “OW!”
Jesse had a few seconds’ head start, but was sliding around the sidewalk in his new shoes. Darien grabbed his arm and hauled him down the slushy sidewalk. “Fucker’s got a chainsaw!”
“Argh!” Just like in the movies, Jesse’s feet slid in two different directions, and he crashed on the pavement. Darien considered just picking him up and throwing him over his shoulder, but he didn’t need a hernia on top of the zipper burn on his penis. He needed all of his pieces intact for his wife. If he ever saw her again. “Get up!”
He scrambled to his feet and they began sprinting. For a chain-smoking, skinny-jean wearing sack of shit and pretention, Casey was pretty damn fast. He was within half a block of them and was picking up steam.
A figure turned the corner and appeared in front of them: a man toting a huge bouquet of cherry-red roses. Darien grabbed at the flowers and chucked the entire thing behind him. “Unf!”
A single stem found Casey’s left eye. “OW!”
“Hey!” the guy yelled after them. Rather than risk another pursuer, Darien pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket and tossed the cash over his shoulder.
“Sorry man! Buy her another one!”
“I’m going to kill you, Chiba!”
His eyes searched frantically for something else to throw at Casey, but unlike every other goddamn day in this city, his only choices were snow and Jesse.
Their salvation came silently, in the form of a silvery-blue hybrid vehicle pulling up to the curb. “Darien?”
“AMY!” He dove for the passenger door. “Let us in!”
The petite girl turned her head and saw Casey charging up the sidewalk and paled to the color of an eggshell. “Get in!”
Jesse shoved in front of Darien. “Move the seat!”
“I’m trying!” Amy leaned over and fiddled with the seat handle with Jesse’s ass in her face.
“Hurry!” Darien lowered a shoulder and shoved Jesse in all the way, and dove after him. Casey was at their bumper. “AMY HIT IT!”
The Prius’s back wheels squealed and spun as Amy stomped on the accelerator, and sprayed a generous amount of slushy snow over Casey as they peeled away. His angry screams followed them through the intersection.
Amy was trying her best to keep her eyes on the road and bat Jesse’s legs away from her head at the same time. “What happened?” The fringe of black bangs fell in front of her sapphire eyes, which were the size of small moons. “I can’t believe I just sprayed him with snow!”
“He’ll be OK.” Darien assured her. “Casey doesn’t have a soul anyway.”
“That was Casey?” she checked her rearview mirror. “With the chainsaw?”
“He was a little angry with us. We pissed on his snowman.”
“Snowcastle,” Jesse corrected, having finally shoved a few canvas bags of groceries aside and squeezing in the narrow back seat.
“Whatever.”
Amy’s face creased into a smile; she tried to hide her grin with one blue mitten. “You are going to get arrested one day.”
“Today is not that day.” He glanced at the backseat. “Making dinner? That’s romantic.”
“It’s really not,” she explained. “Zach’s sick with the flu, and he wants his mother’s chicken and matzo ball soup, but not his mother. I’m going to try my best. I haven’t touched a chicken in years. The skin will probably feel strange.”
“Is he OK?” Sucks to be him, Darien thought. Laid up on the most sexable holiday of the year.
“He’s got a fever and sore throat, a bit of a headache, and terrible gas,” Amy replied, her face completely neutral. Darien choked back a laugh; Amy was consistently, unintentionally hilarious, and it would be a sad day when she realized this.
“Sanrio’s closed,” Jesse announced. “Too bad, D.”
“That’s all right. I’ll think of something. I still need gift for Serena,” he explained to Amy. “Did she mention...anything that she might want?”
Amy’s eyebrows raised up and disappeared behind her bangs. “Well--”
“Something that I can purchase by the end of today.”
“Oh, then I don’t know.” She brightened. “Wait, I have an idea! Give her Zach’s present to me.”
“Want me to pay you for it?”
“How about instead....um...oh I know! You have to help me make his soup. I really don’t want to touch dead flesh.”
This could work. “What did Zach get you?”
SO everyone: What did Zach get her? Essay question this time!!!
And This is what he would have to had to fight over at the Sanrio Store!