I imagine the opposite
So I didn't get to go permanent at my previous position. But as [University] is quite large, I'm elsewhere, on the other side of campus. So anyway.
I've realized I'm bored. A truly, deep-down, well entrenched, settled-in boredom. I know this because the boredom is actually palpable. I can taste it, like waking up with a dry mouth and the water's all gone. Nothing has color any more, or at least not in the way it usually does. I can sit down to eat, but not because I'm hungry. Because it's the socially accepted norm of a time to eat. I am not upset or sad or anything really. But it's not an apathetic feeling either. It just feels like I have no lasting feelings. I'm still happy at appropriate moments and feel a whole range of emotions, but it's like watching myself from afar. It's like watching everything I do or say happen in retrospect as it is happening in real time. It doesn't affect my ability to sleep, but it does have one strange side effect.
My mind seems to wander, to race at times. I can't seem to stay focused. I think about everything and nothing, just not the task at hand. On the flipside, I sometimes focus in on what I'm doing with what seems like laser accuracy, fully knowing that that level of focus is unnecessary. And at other times still, I think nothing at all. It's like my mind is completely blank. That has never happened to me. I'm someone of generally many words and thoughts, and I can usually decide for myself when to let my mind wander and when to focus, and I seem to have lost control at the moment. This strange conflagration of inappropriate brain allocation is jarring, and just underlies the feeling of being of balance in a way I can't seem to put my finger on aside from saying I'm bored.
I'm not sure what the cure is to the boredom, but I do know it has to be of my own design and implementation. So we'll say where that leaves me.
I've realized I'm bored. A truly, deep-down, well entrenched, settled-in boredom. I know this because the boredom is actually palpable. I can taste it, like waking up with a dry mouth and the water's all gone. Nothing has color any more, or at least not in the way it usually does. I can sit down to eat, but not because I'm hungry. Because it's the socially accepted norm of a time to eat. I am not upset or sad or anything really. But it's not an apathetic feeling either. It just feels like I have no lasting feelings. I'm still happy at appropriate moments and feel a whole range of emotions, but it's like watching myself from afar. It's like watching everything I do or say happen in retrospect as it is happening in real time. It doesn't affect my ability to sleep, but it does have one strange side effect.
My mind seems to wander, to race at times. I can't seem to stay focused. I think about everything and nothing, just not the task at hand. On the flipside, I sometimes focus in on what I'm doing with what seems like laser accuracy, fully knowing that that level of focus is unnecessary. And at other times still, I think nothing at all. It's like my mind is completely blank. That has never happened to me. I'm someone of generally many words and thoughts, and I can usually decide for myself when to let my mind wander and when to focus, and I seem to have lost control at the moment. This strange conflagration of inappropriate brain allocation is jarring, and just underlies the feeling of being of balance in a way I can't seem to put my finger on aside from saying I'm bored.
I'm not sure what the cure is to the boredom, but I do know it has to be of my own design and implementation. So we'll say where that leaves me.