there are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction
but as Dali would have it that day is not today. today was the biggest mixed bag ever. it started out good because i went to the pool with Annie and i got a little tan and i saw Carmela who EVERYONE knows is the world's coolest mom, and she called us "nake" which is possibly the word-counterpart of Carmela. meaning it is the world's coolest word.
and then i TRIED to read but that didn't happen. Beanie and Thais and Mario came to pick me up and we went to dolphin, except i was in a super bad mood because of my strange overeating habits that are getting out of hand, my summer readings, the whole Brian story, and the fact that maybe Andreina wouldn't make it to movie night and our triumvirate of awesomeness wouldn't happen. oh and also the fact that Mario's short little self is a really big jerk. he's super sexist and made me feel like i was this small and i wanted to punch his face on more than one occasion. it bothered me how he thought that just because he was good at pool, he could own the world at anything. and his stupid smartass comments made him even more annoying. Beanie is awesome, i love him and he is the cutest thing ever. i kind of think that he doesn't know/underestimates me and thinks i'm dumb. i wish him and i could have a long talk over Dunhills and maybe he could see that looks really can be deceiving.
we went to the plaza next to McDonald's and Beanie's car got crashed. it was super random and we all kind of saw it coming and screamed. but whatever it's the other guy's fault and he's paying.
then to make things even insaner, i went to Brian's house to pick up my dog expecting to find only his brothers there and i found me a Brian. it hit me really hard that i hadn't seen him in like two months. he looks the same but sadder. i love that kid. he's a big mess, and he's proud as hell, but i love him. i don't think i could/would want to be in a relationship with him, but best friends sounds good. except he is moving to Boca which is like 1 hour away =/ we're supposed to meet up tomorrow before he leaves friday morning. i hope i can see him. a lot was left unsaid but he made it really clear that he loves me. and i asked him why, seriously, both of us have been the biggest bitches to each other and we are going in such contrary directions. i'm going to NYC to study law, it's all set. it NEEDS, MUST work out that way. i like coffee, my Macbook, persuasive writing, Wittgenstein, and the Romantic period-- "logic" as Annie would say. things that make sense (though i only half agree with that judgement). Brian likes...well, i don't know. he doesn't know either. that's just it. but that is also why there is a sort of comfort in each other. we serve as living proof, to each other, that the exact opposite is just as possible, just as real, just as likely.
after i went home and Annie and i were going to go to the gym but then we were like naw, fuck that, so we went grocery shopping for cookie ingredients, where the guy in the line at the cashier let us cut because he thought we were lesbians-- i refuse to believe otherwise. later, we went to the bank and to rent a movie like the good old married couple that we are. we bickered about the color of the curtains in the living room and the light bill :P
so we got home and baked cookies which did NOT come out the way they were supposed to, all because of my fear that ingredients might get "lost in mixture". it is the most OCD thing ever and i acknowledge that maybe i added too much butter. and sugar. they were still good though. we watched Cash Back, this british movie, and it was surprisingly good. kind of cheesy at the end but in a good way, and it was full of oddly-placed sexual commentary. i love that stuff.
i don't know what to think. i feel so FAT. i seriously need to stop. but i don't eat out of hunger or boredom or sadness. i don't know why i do it. it's like to feel different, i think. to feel a different flavor or to just change the mood. it's sick, and i need to stop. i remember one time, only one time, i couldn't eat for three whole days. because what had happened was too big, too impossibly incredible, for me to eat (not even small fries and apple juice from McDonald's). i couldn't stomach much more than salad without dressing and even that felt heavy, and my heart was constantly thumping out of my chest. as stupid as it may sound, i wish i could be like that normally. i don't care too much for being super skinny or anorexic, that's so unlike me, but i hate this pathetic full feeling. i feel like throwing up, and my body won't do it for me, and that pisses me off.
i'm glad tomorrow i'm going to the beach with my mom. i love her and we need a day together. plus, i'm driving there :D and then at night, nocturnal. i'm crossing my fingers that gayage won't occur and things will work out. i really miss Nicolas. it's odd. i love him so much, and i'm scared of him leaving NY to Germany in a few days because then he will really be far and out of reach, and i feel like he represents something so good and alive in me, that i had at Columbia, and i'm scared of losing that.
and then i TRIED to read but that didn't happen. Beanie and Thais and Mario came to pick me up and we went to dolphin, except i was in a super bad mood because of my strange overeating habits that are getting out of hand, my summer readings, the whole Brian story, and the fact that maybe Andreina wouldn't make it to movie night and our triumvirate of awesomeness wouldn't happen. oh and also the fact that Mario's short little self is a really big jerk. he's super sexist and made me feel like i was this small and i wanted to punch his face on more than one occasion. it bothered me how he thought that just because he was good at pool, he could own the world at anything. and his stupid smartass comments made him even more annoying. Beanie is awesome, i love him and he is the cutest thing ever. i kind of think that he doesn't know/underestimates me and thinks i'm dumb. i wish him and i could have a long talk over Dunhills and maybe he could see that looks really can be deceiving.
we went to the plaza next to McDonald's and Beanie's car got crashed. it was super random and we all kind of saw it coming and screamed. but whatever it's the other guy's fault and he's paying.
then to make things even insaner, i went to Brian's house to pick up my dog expecting to find only his brothers there and i found me a Brian. it hit me really hard that i hadn't seen him in like two months. he looks the same but sadder. i love that kid. he's a big mess, and he's proud as hell, but i love him. i don't think i could/would want to be in a relationship with him, but best friends sounds good. except he is moving to Boca which is like 1 hour away =/ we're supposed to meet up tomorrow before he leaves friday morning. i hope i can see him. a lot was left unsaid but he made it really clear that he loves me. and i asked him why, seriously, both of us have been the biggest bitches to each other and we are going in such contrary directions. i'm going to NYC to study law, it's all set. it NEEDS, MUST work out that way. i like coffee, my Macbook, persuasive writing, Wittgenstein, and the Romantic period-- "logic" as Annie would say. things that make sense (though i only half agree with that judgement). Brian likes...well, i don't know. he doesn't know either. that's just it. but that is also why there is a sort of comfort in each other. we serve as living proof, to each other, that the exact opposite is just as possible, just as real, just as likely.
after i went home and Annie and i were going to go to the gym but then we were like naw, fuck that, so we went grocery shopping for cookie ingredients, where the guy in the line at the cashier let us cut because he thought we were lesbians-- i refuse to believe otherwise. later, we went to the bank and to rent a movie like the good old married couple that we are. we bickered about the color of the curtains in the living room and the light bill :P
so we got home and baked cookies which did NOT come out the way they were supposed to, all because of my fear that ingredients might get "lost in mixture". it is the most OCD thing ever and i acknowledge that maybe i added too much butter. and sugar. they were still good though. we watched Cash Back, this british movie, and it was surprisingly good. kind of cheesy at the end but in a good way, and it was full of oddly-placed sexual commentary. i love that stuff.
i don't know what to think. i feel so FAT. i seriously need to stop. but i don't eat out of hunger or boredom or sadness. i don't know why i do it. it's like to feel different, i think. to feel a different flavor or to just change the mood. it's sick, and i need to stop. i remember one time, only one time, i couldn't eat for three whole days. because what had happened was too big, too impossibly incredible, for me to eat (not even small fries and apple juice from McDonald's). i couldn't stomach much more than salad without dressing and even that felt heavy, and my heart was constantly thumping out of my chest. as stupid as it may sound, i wish i could be like that normally. i don't care too much for being super skinny or anorexic, that's so unlike me, but i hate this pathetic full feeling. i feel like throwing up, and my body won't do it for me, and that pisses me off.
i'm glad tomorrow i'm going to the beach with my mom. i love her and we need a day together. plus, i'm driving there :D and then at night, nocturnal. i'm crossing my fingers that gayage won't occur and things will work out. i really miss Nicolas. it's odd. i love him so much, and i'm scared of him leaving NY to Germany in a few days because then he will really be far and out of reach, and i feel like he represents something so good and alive in me, that i had at Columbia, and i'm scared of losing that.