(no subject)
i'm really terrified of losing everyone around me. brian is staying in buenos aires forever, and he's my best friend, and he really understands me (even though we fight a lot, and most of the time for stupid things). carlos used to be my best friend (forever ago!) or at least a very close one, and now he does a lot of drugs. and hardly has time for me.
i lost karla. i don't know how but i did. and although i feel like she was really rude to me, and although a lot of people have said i "deserve better", it doesn't change the fact that i lost her. and that i love her and miss her, no matter what. even when people hurt you, that doesn't mean you don't care about them.
then maria came along and it was too good to be true, because she was so much like me. she didn't need a huge party and drugs to have fun. but she disappointed me. in essence, i learned a lot from her. i lost her too (or better said, she lost me).
then when i broke up with brian, i lost all his friends. which angers me, because it just shows they were never really MY friends. they just hung out with me for brian (i kind of knew this all along though).
i miss my dad when i'm in miami since he lives here in argentina.
what's next? i really can't help but notice a pattern. i wonder if it's my fault. i know some things were inevitable, like maria stealing from me, that was never MY wrong doing. but with karla. like, if i would have done something different? in reality she just switched me for her other friends.
i hate thinking about this because i know that even after all this i DO have friends and good ones, too. and that even though brian is far he will jump on the next plane if i needed him, really needed him. i also know that i make new friends easily. i feel guilty for feeling like i need MORE, and guilty for thinking that i lost such amazing people when in reality they weren't that great to me. it's just that they look good in society's eyes. it bothers me. i wish things would be different.
i lost karla. i don't know how but i did. and although i feel like she was really rude to me, and although a lot of people have said i "deserve better", it doesn't change the fact that i lost her. and that i love her and miss her, no matter what. even when people hurt you, that doesn't mean you don't care about them.
then maria came along and it was too good to be true, because she was so much like me. she didn't need a huge party and drugs to have fun. but she disappointed me. in essence, i learned a lot from her. i lost her too (or better said, she lost me).
then when i broke up with brian, i lost all his friends. which angers me, because it just shows they were never really MY friends. they just hung out with me for brian (i kind of knew this all along though).
i miss my dad when i'm in miami since he lives here in argentina.
what's next? i really can't help but notice a pattern. i wonder if it's my fault. i know some things were inevitable, like maria stealing from me, that was never MY wrong doing. but with karla. like, if i would have done something different? in reality she just switched me for her other friends.
i hate thinking about this because i know that even after all this i DO have friends and good ones, too. and that even though brian is far he will jump on the next plane if i needed him, really needed him. i also know that i make new friends easily. i feel guilty for feeling like i need MORE, and guilty for thinking that i lost such amazing people when in reality they weren't that great to me. it's just that they look good in society's eyes. it bothers me. i wish things would be different.