2021: Because 2020 Was Just A Dry Run
Like nearly everyone in the universe, I was extremely happy when 2021 came through. Then 2021 decided to continue going forth with what 2019 planned and what 2020 did during its dry run.
To say that the past few days have been nerve racking is an understatement. I’m absolutely terrified of what will happen in the coming weeks. This is such uncharted territory that I don’t think anyone knows what will or won’t happen.
For me though, the atmosphere is even more concerning because of my political and ideological outlook is on things. I’m a conservative and I have to be constantly worried that I’m going to be hurt or killed because of how divided the country has become. I rarely if ever talk about things because of the extreme vitriol I’ve been subjected to, both online and to my face. I have a teeny tiny safety net in which I can discuss how I think and feel about things, however, I always have to walk on eggshells because I have no idea what will set people off. It’s even more difficult when the self-advocacy movement considers anyone who is a conservative to be an absolute monster who should be eliminated or a member of every hate group humanly imaginable and because I have autism and therefore am considered a self-advocate; I have no one to talk to or discuss things and ideas with. The nonprofit organization I work for is a 501(c)3; that means that they are strictly prohibited from discussing things in a political aspect or pushing any kind of political agenda, otherwise they will lose their tax exemption status and could possibly face legal issues. Whenever I’m dealing them in any accord, I have to remind them constantly that they’re not supposed to be discussing political things due to their 501(c)3 status yet no one listens to me due to a combination of my disability(and therefore I’m considered incapable of being to understand what’s going on by their standards)and because of my outlook on things(I’m constantly being accused of trying to silence their thoughts and feelings on things yet all I’m trying to do is make sure things are done legally and ethically which apparently is a bad thing). I’ve even had major issues when dealing with self-advocacy organizations in a regional or national standing. The closest I came to being in a physical brawl was at a high end self-advocacy social gathering that I was able to gain access to because I was taking the place of someone else who couldn’t go. I was at a self-advocacy initiative in Washington DC in 2015 and was invited to go to a high end self-advocacy social gathering as the person that was originally supposed to go had to have an emergency appendectomy. I put on the best outfit I had and still felt horribly underdressed at the event. I was quietly observing everyone as I felt uncomfortable and unwelcome there as I’m pretty sure that I was the only conservative person in a room of nearly a thousand people and I felt like I was going to be the main course at this event. A while later, this lady comes out of nowhere and zeros in on me. She got within an inch of my face and started screaming at me. She yelled at the top of her lungs: “The only way you can be a true self-advocate is to be a Marxist/Leninist/Stalinist!” I had to really think of an answer as I knew that all three branches of communism had their own ideology, politics, economics, philosophy, and theology in varying degrees and that it seemed like it was a complete paradox of its self and not humanly possible. I also knew that she had no alcohol in her system as she was as stone cold sober as you could get and didn’t slur her words, stagger over to me, or do anything else that would indicate alcohol was in her system and therefore this how she truly about things. Here was my answer: “You do realize that those three branches of communism have their own political, economical, ideological, philosophical, and theological beliefs that contradict one another in a number of ways, therefore making it impossible for you to become that way, right?” She got beet red and I actually thought she was going to have a heart attack or something as it seemed like it was the first time that anyone ever stood up to her. She then grabbed a glass of wine and threw it in my face. By now, there was a crowd of people looking at the situation and several people gasped when she threw the wine at me. I was more than ready to get into an altercation with this lady(even though she was over a foot taller than me; I’m only 4’10” so I’d probably have to stand on a chair just to be at eye level with her), however, the person I went with escorted me out and told me that the person who was going off on me had a lot of money and lawyers; plus she donates to many causes and it would look really bad if I got into a scuffle with her. After that, I was no longer allowed to attend those kinds of events.
I already know that I’m going to be called out during the next Zoom meeting that the nonprofit organization I work for is having on Tuesday because I’m a conservative and that I’m being told that I have to‘explain myself’ as to why ‘people like me’ allowed last week’s event to happen. I’m required to be a part of these meetings(even though they’re nothing more than a social gathering/everyone being forced to agree with the upper echelons) and that I’ve been dreading this meeting for several days now. I also know that I’m either going to be censured or fired because the nonprofit organization I work for wants to make an example of everything and since I’m the only known conservative person in the organization, it falls on me. As much as I would like to fight this, I don’t have any leg to stand on and there’s no way to avoid this as if it’s not this time; it’ll be some other time and I’ve been seeing the writing on the wall for about 18 months now. If I lose my job, I’ll become homeless again(I was homeless the last half of 2014 in Minnesota due to flooding) and my conservator will put me back in a group home. If I’m censured, I’ll still have to attend the meetings and everything, however, I won’t be able to speak at them nor interact with anyone outside the meetings and everything.
I’ve already been censured by 20 other self-advocacy organizations so it wouldn’t be anything new for me. If people are going to cross the line and come after me physically, it wouldn’t surprise me as I’ve been expecting that to happen for close to 15 years now and this point, I’m hoping it’s as quick and painless as possible. 2021 is looking to be a really dreadful year for me and I have absolutely nothing to root for in any way shape or form.