Watching as a range of emotions pass through her, I couldn't imagine what she was going through. Death nearly took her from me today, Angelus almost took her from me today.
Before meeting this woman I was more than happy pouring over texts, learning all I could about everything, and training Buffy, now things are different. It took the loyalty I had to Buffy to make me realize this. The loyalty that made me turn my back on the woman I loved for her betrayal of Buffy's trust.
I understood her reasons for what she did, in time it would be me that would be betraying Buffy, but I couldn't dare mention this, the beloved council would see to my own form of betrayal, their useless tests that either make a child into a cold fighting machine or kill her. No matter my understanding though I couldn't bear to take Jenny's side...What kind of man does that make me?
Perhaps if I had taken her side, defended her reasoning to Buffy she wouldn't have been harmed this evening. Nonetheless, I can't change the past, I can only protect her from here on.
I was pulled from my thougts when she began to speak, determined to prove she can make this right, something I just can't allow. "No darling" I say firmly "You don't need to make anything right, all you need to do is live...I can't watch you die."
I was going to be firm on this, not to the point of holding her hostage, but I won't say that I didn't entertain the idea. "As for you needing a watcher, you will forever have one, however the only thing I can do right now is protect you.." I had to be honest. I couldn't bring myself to guide her to do more than protect herself, if I did and she died, what would I be but a man who leads the people he cares about, or in this case, the woman he loves to her death?
My throbbing head was still foggy. And as much as I attempted to put on a brave face, and tease him … granted it wasn’t quite, that’s not where I dangle it, I wasn’t totally sure of his answer.
As I leaned against him, I forced my mind to think back over his words, he said darling; I know he did. Did he say darling? Like a hamster caught in a spinning squeaky circle, I replayed his words, over and over.
Only yesterday, I’d told him I loved him, wanted to take back those words, and now I was glad I’d told him, a slight smile crossed my lips as I remembered my embarrassment. Yes, that was the only time I’d ever been embarrassed in front of him, I had made a promise to myself that I’d never be the first one to let those three life-changing words cross my lips.
Snuggled up against, I began to get a sense of self, I could put on a brave front, be the Jenny everyone knew, yet for now at least the night held terrors and I didn’t want to be alone.
“Rupert,” it came out a little to demanding, I breathed again, “Rupert, I don’t know how … I can’t express,” I sighed heavily and then there was a long pause, only the ticking of his clock gave any suggestion that time was truly passing.
“Thank you,” I finally mustered, and smiled at him gratefully, it wasn’t the biggest of smiles, but it was a smile all the same.
There were so many things I wanted to say to him, I wondered all of the things that were going through that stubborn British fuddy-duddy head of his.
As I nestled against him, loving the intimacy, I felt closeness with him that many lovers never experience, and as really began to relax allowing the horror of the night to momentarily drift away, the realization of what we were going to face was almost overwhelming.
We, I almost sang it aloud. I didn’t know what we were, or would be or if we could get past everything, and be something more, but we were something, he’d come back for me.
My stomach turned over, everything was too much, and as unappealing as it sounded, I needed to eat, I wasn’t even sure if I could keep it down.
Unbidden, my right hand went to the nape of his neck, my fingers playing with the hair at his well-starched collar, much like a lover. I moved in close and whispered, “Feed me Rupert, I have to think about something else. I have to get back to me.”
I leaned forward, my forehead pressed gently against his.
I’d almost lost my life tonight, almost left … so many almosts. I had lost who I was, I prayed to the goddess that would come in time, finding me again. The only thing of any certainty was he’d be the one to help me find myself again. Jenny … Janna …. Angelus …
Holding on to her as tight as I could without causing more harm I rocked and caressed, thinking about all that I have done, all that I have lost and nearly lost in the past months. Was I right to become a watcher? It wasn't a question before, but watching Buffy nearly die, and now Jenny...if I had lost her, what would it have done? Would I have survived? I shudder at the thought of finding out.
Pulled from my reverie by the sound of my name I look down into those amazing eyes, longing to lock her away and protect her for all time, however knowing the woman she is she won't stand for that, she would list off reasons that she most likely compiled on her dreaded computer as to why I should let her be free and I being the man I am would allow it because I can't stand to cause her any undue suffering.
"You wish for me to feed you?" I ask for clarification and she nods as well as reminding me that she needs food...how is it that I didn't think that she would need food? Bloody worthless I am turning out to be. "Alright, food, I shall make you something." I thought about the prospect of letting go of her and it tore into me. "Or perhaps I could order something." Whatever I did, I didn't want to ever let go of her again.
It was difficult not to tell him just how I’d like to be fed, as images of lying in smooth satin sheets, a plum green grape secure between his fingers, moving it across my lips, and sliding it into my mouth, the imagery, of his finger following that grape in, lips automatically closing, like a steal trap, tongue popping the grape on his finger, its sweet juicy goodness exploding on the finger he used so often to push his glasses, when I should be sucking on it almost made me shiver in delight.
‘Down girl,’ I thought to myself, keeping myself in total control, however I filed that thought in the constant to do list that was forever causing problems and getting in the way of the life I desired, instead causing me to always: ‘be the teacher and do the right thing.’
Instead, I nodded in agreement, keeping the sultry thoughts that I could not chase from my now over-active imagination from racing.
He’d only made me tea, and after thinking about it, he and I had never shared a meal together, demons where forever getting in our way. I’d always imagined his eating scones and only drinking his beloved tea.
Willing my mind not to remember that Dark Age, when I’d seen him drink something a little heftier, at least I knew he did, and the thought that he wasn’t quite the fuddy-duddy I’d imagined made me smile. I couldn’t wait to throw the line, “You show me your tattoo, I’ll show you mine,” knowing he wouldn’t remember that I had indeed seen it, and he’d blush, and know there was something waiting to open its jaws and howl.
I leaned back a little away from, feeling me begin to take back what I’d lost tonight, I was becoming me again, and it was because of the man next to me.
“Order in,” I let it roll off my tongue, my fingers moving his bangs back into place, I remember the night I’d told him we would stay in, suddenly I knew I was beaming.
Without thinking, I leaned in, allowing my lips to slightly open, so I could take his bottom lip between my teeth, and without hurting it I wiggled it between, my pearly whites, then kissed him, full on my tongue exploring that incredible mouth of his.
Before he could do more than kiss me back, pulling away from the arms that were now encircling me in a more passionate embrace, I jumped up, one hand still holding his, swinging it back and forth, like lovers do when they stroll in a mall or in a park or any of the places I’d hoped to stroll with him.
Dark eyes looking down at him, almost devouring him, I smiled and then ever so softly made a final request, “Rupert, I’m suddenly starving, now please, order something, or I might just have to eat you up.” Winking, I dropped his hand, and headed toward the bathroom, I didn’t want to ruin the moment or see the look that must be crossing his face, “I need to shower and clean up. Have a tee shirt or something I may borrow?”
I just stood there, dumbfounded was an understatement at this moment in time. This woman could do things to me that no other could while shocking me into utter stupidity at the same time.
My mouth hung open, the feeling of her body disengaging from mine didn't trigger a response, rather a response other than random groans and grunts. I had reverted to something I don't ever recall being, something that was begging me to grab her and throw her against the wall and do things that are only written about in books I wouldn't admit to owning.
I managed to regain my senses and respond to her. "Y..Yes, order in..and oh dear, you need...ok uhh, I..I.." Rather attempt to respond. Why is it the bloody words won't escape my lips, my brain is working, atleast I think it is. I can hear the words in my head, hear them trying to pass my lips, the lips she just kissed, perhaps that is the problem, she broke them. Good Lord Rupert, even you know that is an insane thought.
"Yes, a shirt, I believe I can locate one." I finally manage to utter as I attempt to regain control of this situation. I have to be the gentleman, I can't take advantage of her now. That is what it would be if I allowed my animal instincts to take over, I would be taking advantage of her fragility due to what happened and that isn't who I am, atleast not who I am now.
The hot water beats down on my aching body. I’d been in worse situations and didn’t understand why I’d responded this way, the only logical conclusions: I felt responsible, one word and I could have stopped everything, Rupert had said it best when he reminded me of the definition of betrayal.
Death something we faced each day living in Sunnydale, that was nothing new. I’d never wittingly been a part of killing, except for demons, and I could have been a catalyst to change it all, and instead had done nothing. My young friends devastated, the man I adored disappointed and betrayed and because of my lack of judgment, I’d almost died.
I’d been stupid, and I was never stupid.
As the water streamed down the landscape that was my body, I let it wash away, the past and I vowed to make a new start, a better start and I hoped it would involve the man who should have ordered dinner by now.
My thoughts had taken me so many places, as the bathroom steamed up. When I could stand it no longer, I made a heart on the glass pane and put in four letters, J C R G. Giggling like a schoolgirl, I grabbed a towel and began drying myself off.
Holding it up to my nose, I breathed in deeply taking in his scent. Usually, I wouldn’t use another’s towel, but I knew Rupert to be fastidious calculating he’d only used it this morning. Just having his scent around me was comforting.
My skin was all shriveled; I’d been in the shower much too long. Wrapping the towel around me, and thankfully he had one of those long ones, it fit almost like a dress, at this point, I didn’t want to offend him, with my complete lack of respect by taking over his bathroom, and even covering myself with his towel.
Cracking the door, not only to call to him, but to let the steam heart dissolve with the cooler air, I couldn’t bring myself to erase it, and unfortunately it didn’t occur to me that if he showered again before he cleaned the glass, that the steam would resurrect the childlike heart I’d drawn with our initials in it. But I was distracted, hungry not only for food, but for the sight of him again.
I remained standing there, trying to gather myself for quite a long time after she had exited the room. It was odd, never once in my many years had I been this shocked.
Once I finally regained my composure I ordered the food then made my way to the loft bedroom, gathering something for her to wear as well as changing into something a little more relaxed...what was it she called me? A Fuddy Duddy? I did own other things than Tweed, it just wasn't appropriate to wear anything else in the position I hold as a watcher, or atleast that was my belief.
Once I had changed I returned to attending to Jenny's needs. Just in time as it were because I heard her call for me. There didn't seem to be fear in her voice, it was more a tone of longing. Is it wrong that hearing that tone frightened me in some form? None the less she needed me and I promised I would be at her side.
Rushing down the stairs, a button up shirt and some old shorts that I didn't even realize I owned in my hands I appeared at the bathroom door. "Here is something for you to wear darling." I manage to get out. Something about the thought of her only covered my a thin fluffy layer of cloth did something to me and I had to immediately hide the evidence of it. "I will wait for you in the other room." and with that I was gone, back to the front room of my flat, waiting for her to appear, hopefully fully clothed.
Rummaging around, I found old toothpaste, put some on my finger, and then waggled the tip over my teeth. Rinsing and spitting, I hoped that at least my breath was fresher, it had tasted rancid, as if the fear that had not to long ago been pulsating through my veins, had changed to a liquid metal, settling and then hardening in my mouth.
Carefully arranging the towel on the rack so that it could dry properly, folding up my clothes in a neat little pile when just a moment ago they lay at a crumpled heap at my feet I looked up, I stood there in front of the mirror inspecting my body.
Purple and blue encircled my neck like a tight choker, the only visible signs of the night’s struggle, war wounds I would wear proudly as I’d come out the victor in this fight with Angelus, that was thanks to Rupert.
Uncontrollably, my body quivered, not from the coolness that was dissipating the heat from the shower, but the looming fear that we might not win the war.
I’d smiled gratefully at the clothes he’d brought, and then hurried quickly away. Even though his endearment of ‘darling,’ hadn’t been lost on me, and I know he’d never called Buffy darling, I wondered if I’d done something wrong.
There was just too much in my head to worry, I slipped on the shorts and shirts, and as expected they were too large, but I hoped that he’d find that cute. Shrugging my shoulders I sighed, really wasn’t much I could do about it, I just knew I could wear that skirt and top again.
Softly, almost on cat feet, I padded out looking for him; he hadn’t strayed far.
I wanted to go wrap my arms around his waist and just blend into him, but I wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted, I was regaining myself, but my senses were still a little frazzled, pondering this, I gave him a smile, as I scanned the still unfamiliar apartment, not knowing if I should sit or go to the kitchen to wait for the food. I really didn’t want to make any decisions, I was bone tired.
Before meeting this woman I was more than happy pouring over texts, learning all I could about everything, and training Buffy, now things are different. It took the loyalty I had to Buffy to make me realize this. The loyalty that made me turn my back on the woman I loved for her betrayal of Buffy's trust.
I understood her reasons for what she did, in time it would be me that would be betraying Buffy, but I couldn't dare mention this, the beloved council would see to my own form of betrayal, their useless tests that either make a child into a cold fighting machine or kill her. No matter my understanding though I couldn't bear to take Jenny's side...What kind of man does that make me?
Perhaps if I had taken her side, defended her reasoning to Buffy she wouldn't have been harmed this evening. Nonetheless, I can't change the past, I can only protect her from here on.
I was pulled from my thougts when she began to speak, determined to prove she can make this right, something I just can't allow. "No darling" I say firmly "You don't need to make anything right, all you need to do is live...I can't watch you die."
I was going to be firm on this, not to the point of holding her hostage, but I won't say that I didn't entertain the idea. "As for you needing a watcher, you will forever have one, however the only thing I can do right now is protect you.." I had to be honest. I couldn't bring myself to guide her to do more than protect herself, if I did and she died, what would I be but a man who leads the people he cares about, or in this case, the woman he loves to her death?
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As I leaned against him, I forced my mind to think back over his words, he said darling; I know he did. Did he say darling? Like a hamster caught in a spinning squeaky circle, I replayed his words, over and over.
Only yesterday, I’d told him I loved him, wanted to take back those words, and now I was glad I’d told him, a slight smile crossed my lips as I remembered my embarrassment. Yes, that was the only time I’d ever been embarrassed in front of him, I had made a promise to myself that I’d never be the first one to let those three life-changing words cross my lips.
Snuggled up against, I began to get a sense of self, I could put on a brave front, be the Jenny everyone knew, yet for now at least the night held terrors and I didn’t want to be alone.
“Rupert,” it came out a little to demanding, I breathed again, “Rupert, I don’t know how … I can’t express,” I sighed heavily and then there was a long pause, only the ticking of his clock gave any suggestion that time was truly passing.
“Thank you,” I finally mustered, and smiled at him gratefully, it wasn’t the biggest of smiles, but it was a smile all the same.
There were so many things I wanted to say to him, I wondered all of the things that were going through that stubborn British fuddy-duddy head of his.
As I nestled against him, loving the intimacy, I felt closeness with him that many lovers never experience, and as really began to relax allowing the horror of the night to momentarily drift away, the realization of what we were going to face was almost overwhelming.
We, I almost sang it aloud. I didn’t know what we were, or would be or if we could get past everything, and be something more, but we were something, he’d come back for me.
My stomach turned over, everything was too much, and as unappealing as it sounded, I needed to eat, I wasn’t even sure if I could keep it down.
Unbidden, my right hand went to the nape of his neck, my fingers playing with the hair at his well-starched collar, much like a lover. I moved in close and whispered, “Feed me Rupert, I have to think about something else. I have to get back to me.”
I leaned forward, my forehead pressed gently against his.
I’d almost lost my life tonight, almost left … so many almosts. I had lost who I was, I prayed to the goddess that would come in time, finding me again. The only thing of any certainty was he’d be the one to help me find myself again. Jenny … Janna …. Angelus …
“About that food …”
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Pulled from my reverie by the sound of my name I look down into those amazing eyes, longing to lock her away and protect her for all time, however knowing the woman she is she won't stand for that, she would list off reasons that she most likely compiled on her dreaded computer as to why I should let her be free and I being the man I am would allow it because I can't stand to cause her any undue suffering.
"You wish for me to feed you?" I ask for clarification and she nods as well as reminding me that she needs food...how is it that I didn't think that she would need food? Bloody worthless I am turning out to be. "Alright, food, I shall make you something." I thought about the prospect of letting go of her and it tore into me. "Or perhaps I could order something." Whatever I did, I didn't want to ever let go of her again.
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‘Down girl,’ I thought to myself, keeping myself in total control, however I filed that thought in the constant to do list that was forever causing problems and getting in the way of the life I desired, instead causing me to always: ‘be the teacher and do the right thing.’
Instead, I nodded in agreement, keeping the sultry thoughts that I could not chase from my now over-active imagination from racing.
He’d only made me tea, and after thinking about it, he and I had never shared a meal together, demons where forever getting in our way. I’d always imagined his eating scones and only drinking his beloved tea.
Willing my mind not to remember that Dark Age, when I’d seen him drink something a little heftier, at least I knew he did, and the thought that he wasn’t quite the fuddy-duddy I’d imagined made me smile. I couldn’t wait to throw the line, “You show me your tattoo, I’ll show you mine,” knowing he wouldn’t remember that I had indeed seen it, and he’d blush, and know there was something waiting to open its jaws and howl.
I leaned back a little away from, feeling me begin to take back what I’d lost tonight, I was becoming me again, and it was because of the man next to me.
“Order in,” I let it roll off my tongue, my fingers moving his bangs back into place, I remember the night I’d told him we would stay in, suddenly I knew I was beaming.
Without thinking, I leaned in, allowing my lips to slightly open, so I could take his bottom lip between my teeth, and without hurting it I wiggled it between, my pearly whites, then kissed him, full on my tongue exploring that incredible mouth of his.
Before he could do more than kiss me back, pulling away from the arms that were now encircling me in a more passionate embrace, I jumped up, one hand still holding his, swinging it back and forth, like lovers do when they stroll in a mall or in a park or any of the places I’d hoped to stroll with him.
Dark eyes looking down at him, almost devouring him, I smiled and then ever so softly made a final request, “Rupert, I’m suddenly starving, now please, order something, or I might just have to eat you up.” Winking, I dropped his hand, and headed toward the bathroom, I didn’t want to ruin the moment or see the look that must be crossing his face, “I need to shower and clean up. Have a tee shirt or something I may borrow?”
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My mouth hung open, the feeling of her body disengaging from mine didn't trigger a response, rather a response other than random groans and grunts. I had reverted to something I don't ever recall being, something that was begging me to grab her and throw her against the wall and do things that are only written about in books I wouldn't admit to owning.
I managed to regain my senses and respond to her. "Y..Yes, order in..and oh dear, you need...ok uhh, I..I.." Rather attempt to respond. Why is it the bloody words won't escape my lips, my brain is working, atleast I think it is. I can hear the words in my head, hear them trying to pass my lips, the lips she just kissed, perhaps that is the problem, she broke them. Good Lord Rupert, even you know that is an insane thought.
"Yes, a shirt, I believe I can locate one." I finally manage to utter as I attempt to regain control of this situation. I have to be the gentleman, I can't take advantage of her now. That is what it would be if I allowed my animal instincts to take over, I would be taking advantage of her fragility due to what happened and that isn't who I am, atleast not who I am now.
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Death something we faced each day living in Sunnydale, that was nothing new. I’d never wittingly been a part of killing, except for demons, and I could have been a catalyst to change it all, and instead had done nothing. My young friends devastated, the man I adored disappointed and betrayed and because of my lack of judgment, I’d almost died.
I’d been stupid, and I was never stupid.
As the water streamed down the landscape that was my body, I let it wash away, the past and I vowed to make a new start, a better start and I hoped it would involve the man who should have ordered dinner by now.
My thoughts had taken me so many places, as the bathroom steamed up. When I could stand it no longer, I made a heart on the glass pane and put in four letters, J C R G. Giggling like a schoolgirl, I grabbed a towel and began drying myself off.
Holding it up to my nose, I breathed in deeply taking in his scent. Usually, I wouldn’t use another’s towel, but I knew Rupert to be fastidious calculating he’d only used it this morning. Just having his scent around me was comforting.
My skin was all shriveled; I’d been in the shower much too long. Wrapping the towel around me, and thankfully he had one of those long ones, it fit almost like a dress, at this point, I didn’t want to offend him, with my complete lack of respect by taking over his bathroom, and even covering myself with his towel.
Cracking the door, not only to call to him, but to let the steam heart dissolve with the cooler air, I couldn’t bring myself to erase it, and unfortunately it didn’t occur to me that if he showered again before he cleaned the glass, that the steam would resurrect the childlike heart I’d drawn with our initials in it. But I was distracted, hungry not only for food, but for the sight of him again.
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Once I finally regained my composure I ordered the food then made my way to the loft bedroom, gathering something for her to wear as well as changing into something a little more relaxed...what was it she called me? A Fuddy Duddy? I did own other things than Tweed, it just wasn't appropriate to wear anything else in the position I hold as a watcher, or atleast that was my belief.
Once I had changed I returned to attending to Jenny's needs. Just in time as it were because I heard her call for me. There didn't seem to be fear in her voice, it was more a tone of longing. Is it wrong that hearing that tone frightened me in some form? None the less she needed me and I promised I would be at her side.
Rushing down the stairs, a button up shirt and some old shorts that I didn't even realize I owned in my hands I appeared at the bathroom door. "Here is something for you to wear darling." I manage to get out. Something about the thought of her only covered my a thin fluffy layer of cloth did something to me and I had to immediately hide the evidence of it. "I will wait for you in the other room." and with that I was gone, back to the front room of my flat, waiting for her to appear, hopefully fully clothed.
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Carefully arranging the towel on the rack so that it could dry properly, folding up my clothes in a neat little pile when just a moment ago they lay at a crumpled heap at my feet I looked up, I stood there in front of the mirror inspecting my body.
Purple and blue encircled my neck like a tight choker, the only visible signs of the night’s struggle, war wounds I would wear proudly as I’d come out the victor in this fight with Angelus, that was thanks to Rupert.
Uncontrollably, my body quivered, not from the coolness that was dissipating the heat from the shower, but the looming fear that we might not win the war.
I’d smiled gratefully at the clothes he’d brought, and then hurried quickly away. Even though his endearment of ‘darling,’ hadn’t been lost on me, and I know he’d never called Buffy darling, I wondered if I’d done something wrong.
There was just too much in my head to worry, I slipped on the shorts and shirts, and as expected they were too large, but I hoped that he’d find that cute. Shrugging my shoulders I sighed, really wasn’t much I could do about it, I just knew I could wear that skirt and top again.
Softly, almost on cat feet, I padded out looking for him; he hadn’t strayed far.
I wanted to go wrap my arms around his waist and just blend into him, but I wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted, I was regaining myself, but my senses were still a little frazzled, pondering this, I gave him a smile, as I scanned the still unfamiliar apartment, not knowing if I should sit or go to the kitchen to wait for the food. I really didn’t want to make any decisions, I was bone tired.
“Hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”
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