Choices
“Please,” it echoed through my throbbing head, he said it so softly, so …god there so much to that one word.
I bit my lip trying to keep the tears back, a warm hot flush floating over my body.
“I just don’t want anything to happen to you. This is my fault, if I’d …,” I stopped mid-sentence struggling for the words.
It was so difficult sitting next to him, breathing him in everything about him confusing him. I’d told him I loved him, it had slipped unbidden from my lips, and as much fun as I had teasing him, taunting him, making him squirm, the fact was that I loved him and I didn’t want to be the cause of any harm to him. The SS Jenny had already done quite enough damage. I should go back to … back to what? He was where my heart was. He owned me; he had so much power over me, and yet he never knew it.
I weighed my options, I would be blissfully happy. Attempting not to react at what he’d said, or the implication of them, my insides were like jelly, quivering from not only terror but excitement, in his own way, he’d just said, he loved me as only Rupert Giles could, at least I thought he had. I honestly didn’t know anything any more.
Looking down, I studied my own hand; it still shook but not as violently. My eyes followed the veins in my hand thinking of the blood that ran through them, blood what Angelus wanted, and he would kill me. I was just a character in some book, some story that he was writing, and it would end badly, and I could allow Rupert to risk his own life.
I turned my head, blinking in rapid succession, willing the tears away. “Will you excuse me for a moment,” my voice almost inaudible, standing on shaky feet, I made my way to the bathroom.
Splashing the cool water on to my face, I tried to think of all the arguments I would use to make my case, but it was as if my mind was in slow motion, robbed of sleep, something, I wasn’t sure what.
After what seemed like forever, I returned, but kept my distance. Being close to him was too hard, too easy for me to cave.
“You are all in danger if I’m around. You’ll be too worried about me to take care of yourself. It’s not like you can give all of this up and go away with me, you’ve got responsibilities, to the Council, to Buffy, and I can’t be the reason you die. I love you too much.”
Once again, I talked before I thought, and then it just came out.
“Okay, I know you don’t like to hear it, but I love you, adore you. All that mushy stuff that you Brits don’t like to say, don’t want to hear…” I shook my head in frustration, a different Jenny rearing her ugly head.
“If I’d done things differently,” I continued, “if I’d been honest, I don’t know if I’d fucked your brains out,” I felt the color rise in my cheeks as I realized what I’d said, but it was too late, “I ruined it all, England, I did.”
Moving to his desk, glanced at the paper weight not realizing its significance … just going off on some crazy tirade and then in mid sentence just slumped to the floor like a broken doll.
I bit my lip trying to keep the tears back, a warm hot flush floating over my body.
“I just don’t want anything to happen to you. This is my fault, if I’d …,” I stopped mid-sentence struggling for the words.
It was so difficult sitting next to him, breathing him in everything about him confusing him. I’d told him I loved him, it had slipped unbidden from my lips, and as much fun as I had teasing him, taunting him, making him squirm, the fact was that I loved him and I didn’t want to be the cause of any harm to him. The SS Jenny had already done quite enough damage. I should go back to … back to what? He was where my heart was. He owned me; he had so much power over me, and yet he never knew it.
I weighed my options, I would be blissfully happy. Attempting not to react at what he’d said, or the implication of them, my insides were like jelly, quivering from not only terror but excitement, in his own way, he’d just said, he loved me as only Rupert Giles could, at least I thought he had. I honestly didn’t know anything any more.
Looking down, I studied my own hand; it still shook but not as violently. My eyes followed the veins in my hand thinking of the blood that ran through them, blood what Angelus wanted, and he would kill me. I was just a character in some book, some story that he was writing, and it would end badly, and I could allow Rupert to risk his own life.
I turned my head, blinking in rapid succession, willing the tears away. “Will you excuse me for a moment,” my voice almost inaudible, standing on shaky feet, I made my way to the bathroom.
Splashing the cool water on to my face, I tried to think of all the arguments I would use to make my case, but it was as if my mind was in slow motion, robbed of sleep, something, I wasn’t sure what.
After what seemed like forever, I returned, but kept my distance. Being close to him was too hard, too easy for me to cave.
“You are all in danger if I’m around. You’ll be too worried about me to take care of yourself. It’s not like you can give all of this up and go away with me, you’ve got responsibilities, to the Council, to Buffy, and I can’t be the reason you die. I love you too much.”
Once again, I talked before I thought, and then it just came out.
“Okay, I know you don’t like to hear it, but I love you, adore you. All that mushy stuff that you Brits don’t like to say, don’t want to hear…” I shook my head in frustration, a different Jenny rearing her ugly head.
“If I’d done things differently,” I continued, “if I’d been honest, I don’t know if I’d fucked your brains out,” I felt the color rise in my cheeks as I realized what I’d said, but it was too late, “I ruined it all, England, I did.”
Moving to his desk, glanced at the paper weight not realizing its significance … just going off on some crazy tirade and then in mid sentence just slumped to the floor like a broken doll.