(no subject)
its starting to hit me now. but its the hardest on the weekends when im so bored here. The homesickness, Friedensau is so boring on the weekends and i have no car or means of transportation (which by the way is absolulty horrid for a southern Californian, we need our cars). So yeah bored and hanging around and all i can think about is going home and hanging out with the family, and my good friends back home. I miss the pacific ocean i miss the sun, i miss my san diego skyline. I miss watching football (American football) sunday afternoons. I miss my dad calling me up and complaining that i never call him, i miss Lorna's smile and that funny noise she makes when shes happy. I miss Emily and Jamie, I miss being there for them, because i know they fight tooth and nail for everything they have, and mom and dad dont really see it, i do and im sure its nice to have someone around that recognizes how hard they fight.
but most of all i mis Ashley. That girl did something to me and now im in the same situation again, long distance with a loved one, seeing her only through a little window on my comuter and hearing her digitized voice. and i know soons shes going into the air force and that will sever us more. Im so afraid, because of the last time i had this, it didnt work out so well. And because of my past Im paranoid, even though i feel like i trust her, theres a little harvey in the back of my head reminding me of how devastating it was to have it all come crashing down. Sometimes i get so angry at Cass for doing that to me and now how it still affects me and how stone skin ive become and paraniod because of it, but then i have to realize that it might have been her that crossed me, but what i do with that is on me, how i deal with it now is all my fault.
Anyway im gonna stick it out, and have some patience, and trust in hope its something new for me and this time it might work..... god help me if it doesnt.
but most of all i mis Ashley. That girl did something to me and now im in the same situation again, long distance with a loved one, seeing her only through a little window on my comuter and hearing her digitized voice. and i know soons shes going into the air force and that will sever us more. Im so afraid, because of the last time i had this, it didnt work out so well. And because of my past Im paranoid, even though i feel like i trust her, theres a little harvey in the back of my head reminding me of how devastating it was to have it all come crashing down. Sometimes i get so angry at Cass for doing that to me and now how it still affects me and how stone skin ive become and paraniod because of it, but then i have to realize that it might have been her that crossed me, but what i do with that is on me, how i deal with it now is all my fault.
Anyway im gonna stick it out, and have some patience, and trust in hope its something new for me and this time it might work..... god help me if it doesnt.