"We're the non-judging Breakfast Club."
So sometimes, Russell Brand calls into Ryan Seacrest's radio show, and sometimes he even drops by himself:
(Please note that Ryan is wearing a tshirt with a dancing girl and flowers on it. Also, please note Ellen K, who is sometimes - like right there - my favourite. And Russell, being, well, Russell.) So because Russell is presenting the VMAs, he was on the Seacrest show a few days ago. I'm going to transcribe the whole thing, because it just. I feel the need to do this.
So the first thing you need to bear in mind is that this radio show runs from (I think) 5.30am to either 10 or 10.30am, and no matter how often Ryan has Russell on his show, he never seems to learn.
Listen here, if you dare.
Ryan: Now Russell Brand, who is hosting the VMAs this weekend. Hello, Brand.
Russell: [drawls] Hello there, Seeeeacrest.
Ryan: So how's it going over there in New York?
Russell: Really, really good; it seems like a beautiful day, everything seems to be under control...I've taken my bra off just for this interview....
Ryan: *giggles* I, um, I was wondering earlier, talking about you coming back to host for the second time, after walking up to the line with the Jonas Brothers last year [Russell apparently really took the piss out of them and got slammed for it; IDEK] did MTV say, "okay, look, here...we appreciate what you do and we know you're a wild child but...walk up to the line don't cross it"? Any ground rules at all from them?
Russell: They've attached a small electric device to my sex organs, and then every time I go near the line a button can be pressed from backstage. So if you see me twitching during the VMAs it's not just because I'm reacting to Lady GaGa's bottom.
[everyone in the studio cracks up for a few seconds]
Ryan: Have you written the, uh, monologue yet?
Russell: Yeah, it's pretty good, mate. I mean, like, er, if we were, like, if...I wouldn't mind running it by you off air, actually, and you could give me some tips if you think I'm, you know, straying into the ‘electric territory’ you can let me know.
Ryan: [sarcastic] Okay, 'cause I'm the perfect measure for when it's funny or not. I'm such the…the funny barometer. What about, uh...
Russell: You're a funny man!
Ryan: ...I was thinking about the people, or the franchises you gotta touch on, and I would imagine Twilight and those kids that star in Twilight would be one of them.
Russell: Yes, Twilight, that’s…you’re correct, there is a mention to Twilight - vampires and the like, yes, you’re right.
Ryan: What do you think about that, uh, rumoured couple, Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson, the other star?
Russell: Rob Pattinson is, of course, a young Englishman and so I feel very, very protective of that young man, so, uh, I don’t think he should be sleeping with anybody at all. I don’t think he should be in relationships for another five or six years. He doesn’t know himself yet; he should just be practising in front of the mirror.
Ryan: That’s… [Ryan and Ellen crack up] Abstinence, just like you. [beat] Uh, why did you…you got fired from MTV in Europe originally?
Russell: Oh, yeah, I was fired from MTV in Europe because I was bringing drug dealers into work and smoking crack on the premises [which, of course, doesn’t actually cover what the final straw was, but Russell was quite right not to mention this on the 10th of September on an American radio show. Or, in fact, ever again, really, although the crack was probably the reason why he did what he did]. Now I accept that is unreasonable behaviour and that is why I don’t take drugs any more.
[everyone in the studio cracks up again]
Ryan: Have you been to sleep tonight? Are you still out?
Russell: I’m still out! Just waiting for you…to talk to you guys. I’m so wired about the idea of talking to Ryan and Ellen it just kept me, you know, all pepped up.
Ryan: Hey, now, what are you wearing on Sunday?
Russell: What are you wearing, you gorgeous beauty?
Ryan: Right now? [Ellen cracks up] Right now I’ve got a white v-neck, a black button down and black slacks black boots…you?
Russell: Oh, god, well….
Ryan: On Sunday, what’s your wardrobe choice for Sunday, though?
Russell: On Sunday, I’m gonna look really, really nice. I mean, I don’t want to, y’know, I mean, I don’t wanna blow it now, but, I mean, there’s a top hat involved, a very beautiful suit, I think it’s…it’s gonna dazzle you, Ryan, do…do tune in. Please stay in touch with me via twitter and via my own personal phone, just so then between my links you can say, ‘oh, you’re doing that well, Russell’, or ‘you might want to adjust your crotch’ or whatever, you know.
[studio cracks up. Again.]
Ryan: The…[chuckles] the second year in a row for Russell Brand on MTV. It will be fun to watch. So that’s Sunday, nine o’clock on MTV. I would imagine the heavy lifting is to open the show and then it’s just a bunch of quick hits throughout?
Russell: That’s right, mate - God, you’re a bloody professional; that is exactly how it’s going to work, and d’you know what? Having your support and knowing you’re there watching me, it fills my heart with joy [Ryan is cracking up] and my underpants with…well, you know…you know what it fills them with.
Ryan: Have you seen that bit that they proposed for us? Have you seen that bit yet?
Russell: [floored] What? No, no, what’s proposed for you?
Ryan: Do you know…you know Tony DeSanto [sp?] at MTV?
Russell: Uh, no-ooo?
Ryan: Okay, well the guys at MTV, there’s a bit that they have us do in the rundown.
Russell: [sounding genuinely pleased] Oh, fantastic!
Ryan: Yeah. I thought you wrote it?
Russell: Well, people… [laughs] I’m-I’m afraid, Ryan, that we will have to check our contracts; it seems that you’ve been subject to some duplicitous un-untruths.
Ellen: Wait, so Ryan, you-you’re in the show, but Russell says you’re not?
Ryan: There’s a…there’s a number - there was a number that was proposed to me, like a routine been proposed to me, that I thought was submitted by you for me to do with you?
Ellen: Like a dance routine?
Ryan: Yeah, like a dance!
Russell: [stutters] Well are you doing it?
Ryan: [loudly] Well I was going to, but apparently now I’m not because you didn’t know anything about it!
Ellen: Well, you two have to rehearse!
Ryan: Well that’s why….
Russell: Ryan, look. I will go to the ends of the earth to work for you, and if…I’m writing something now, okay. The scene opens: Ryan and Russell, with their tops off, we’re greased up - it’s a bit like “Brokeback Mountain”, but instead of the subtle suggestion of sex, it’s full-screen erotica. [Ryan laughs, and everyone in the studio goes into hysterics] Then you and I parade through the streets of New York City, making women pregnant, we don’t know whose is whose until the babies are born and if they work out to be little square Americans we know they’re yours, if they’re ravishing English scarecrow-men [more hysterical laughter from the studio] then they’re mine. But we’ll raise them together all the same!
Ryan: Book me an American Airlines flight to New York! [people in the studio die with laughter in the background] Sunday, MTV. [with a laugh] Russell, thanks for calling, bro. I’ll talk to you.
Russell: Thank you. It’s lovely to talk to you both. Take care.
Ryan: Goodbye!
Ellen: Bye!
[They hang up the phone]
Ryan: …Nah, I made that up.
[studio cracks up]
Ellen: I’m like, ‘are you really? You didn’t tell us!’ like, everyone’s keeping their jobs a secret - Ellen DeGeneres, and now you on the VMAs….
Ryan: No, no, I made that up ‘cause I had to distract him!
Ellen: [killing herself laughing] Yeah, that really distracted him!
[everyone laughs]
Ryan: Yeah, backfire??!?
This is how it always is with them. It's like as soon as he's around someone who is so very, very obviously heterosexual, and yet can talk about having sex with other guys, Ryan just... Like that other interview where Russell called from his bed 'cause it was so early in the morning, and they were joking about how Russell was jerking off while on the phone to him, and it was this whole big thing. And then, when someone like Tyson Ritter talks about how 'Gives You Hell' is about a guy, Ryan gets this total hetero-panic going.
I don't understand that kid sometimes. *laughs* It's like what he does doesn't necessarily compute with what he's thinking, so it's hard to get a read on him. I don't think I'd be able to unless I met him, and that's probably never going to happen, so.
(Please note that Ryan is wearing a tshirt with a dancing girl and flowers on it. Also, please note Ellen K, who is sometimes - like right there - my favourite. And Russell, being, well, Russell.) So because Russell is presenting the VMAs, he was on the Seacrest show a few days ago. I'm going to transcribe the whole thing, because it just. I feel the need to do this.
So the first thing you need to bear in mind is that this radio show runs from (I think) 5.30am to either 10 or 10.30am, and no matter how often Ryan has Russell on his show, he never seems to learn.
Listen here, if you dare.
Ryan: Now Russell Brand, who is hosting the VMAs this weekend. Hello, Brand.
Russell: [drawls] Hello there, Seeeeacrest.
Ryan: So how's it going over there in New York?
Russell: Really, really good; it seems like a beautiful day, everything seems to be under control...I've taken my bra off just for this interview....
Ryan: *giggles* I, um, I was wondering earlier, talking about you coming back to host for the second time, after walking up to the line with the Jonas Brothers last year [Russell apparently really took the piss out of them and got slammed for it; IDEK] did MTV say, "okay, look, here...we appreciate what you do and we know you're a wild child but...walk up to the line don't cross it"? Any ground rules at all from them?
Russell: They've attached a small electric device to my sex organs, and then every time I go near the line a button can be pressed from backstage. So if you see me twitching during the VMAs it's not just because I'm reacting to Lady GaGa's bottom.
[everyone in the studio cracks up for a few seconds]
Ryan: Have you written the, uh, monologue yet?
Russell: Yeah, it's pretty good, mate. I mean, like, er, if we were, like, if...I wouldn't mind running it by you off air, actually, and you could give me some tips if you think I'm, you know, straying into the ‘electric territory’ you can let me know.
Ryan: [sarcastic] Okay, 'cause I'm the perfect measure for when it's funny or not. I'm such the…the funny barometer. What about, uh...
Russell: You're a funny man!
Ryan: ...I was thinking about the people, or the franchises you gotta touch on, and I would imagine Twilight and those kids that star in Twilight would be one of them.
Russell: Yes, Twilight, that’s…you’re correct, there is a mention to Twilight - vampires and the like, yes, you’re right.
Ryan: What do you think about that, uh, rumoured couple, Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson, the other star?
Russell: Rob Pattinson is, of course, a young Englishman and so I feel very, very protective of that young man, so, uh, I don’t think he should be sleeping with anybody at all. I don’t think he should be in relationships for another five or six years. He doesn’t know himself yet; he should just be practising in front of the mirror.
Ryan: That’s… [Ryan and Ellen crack up] Abstinence, just like you. [beat] Uh, why did you…you got fired from MTV in Europe originally?
Russell: Oh, yeah, I was fired from MTV in Europe because I was bringing drug dealers into work and smoking crack on the premises [which, of course, doesn’t actually cover what the final straw was, but Russell was quite right not to mention this on the 10th of September on an American radio show. Or, in fact, ever again, really, although the crack was probably the reason why he did what he did]. Now I accept that is unreasonable behaviour and that is why I don’t take drugs any more.
[everyone in the studio cracks up again]
Ryan: Have you been to sleep tonight? Are you still out?
Russell: I’m still out! Just waiting for you…to talk to you guys. I’m so wired about the idea of talking to Ryan and Ellen it just kept me, you know, all pepped up.
Ryan: Hey, now, what are you wearing on Sunday?
Russell: What are you wearing, you gorgeous beauty?
Ryan: Right now? [Ellen cracks up] Right now I’ve got a white v-neck, a black button down and black slacks black boots…you?
Russell: Oh, god, well….
Ryan: On Sunday, what’s your wardrobe choice for Sunday, though?
Russell: On Sunday, I’m gonna look really, really nice. I mean, I don’t want to, y’know, I mean, I don’t wanna blow it now, but, I mean, there’s a top hat involved, a very beautiful suit, I think it’s…it’s gonna dazzle you, Ryan, do…do tune in. Please stay in touch with me via twitter and via my own personal phone, just so then between my links you can say, ‘oh, you’re doing that well, Russell’, or ‘you might want to adjust your crotch’ or whatever, you know.
[studio cracks up. Again.]
Ryan: The…[chuckles] the second year in a row for Russell Brand on MTV. It will be fun to watch. So that’s Sunday, nine o’clock on MTV. I would imagine the heavy lifting is to open the show and then it’s just a bunch of quick hits throughout?
Russell: That’s right, mate - God, you’re a bloody professional; that is exactly how it’s going to work, and d’you know what? Having your support and knowing you’re there watching me, it fills my heart with joy [Ryan is cracking up] and my underpants with…well, you know…you know what it fills them with.
Ryan: Have you seen that bit that they proposed for us? Have you seen that bit yet?
Russell: [floored] What? No, no, what’s proposed for you?
Ryan: Do you know…you know Tony DeSanto [sp?] at MTV?
Russell: Uh, no-ooo?
Ryan: Okay, well the guys at MTV, there’s a bit that they have us do in the rundown.
Russell: [sounding genuinely pleased] Oh, fantastic!
Ryan: Yeah. I thought you wrote it?
Russell: Well, people… [laughs] I’m-I’m afraid, Ryan, that we will have to check our contracts; it seems that you’ve been subject to some duplicitous un-untruths.
Ellen: Wait, so Ryan, you-you’re in the show, but Russell says you’re not?
Ryan: There’s a…there’s a number - there was a number that was proposed to me, like a routine been proposed to me, that I thought was submitted by you for me to do with you?
Ellen: Like a dance routine?
Ryan: Yeah, like a dance!
Russell: [stutters] Well are you doing it?
Ryan: [loudly] Well I was going to, but apparently now I’m not because you didn’t know anything about it!
Ellen: Well, you two have to rehearse!
Ryan: Well that’s why….
Russell: Ryan, look. I will go to the ends of the earth to work for you, and if…I’m writing something now, okay. The scene opens: Ryan and Russell, with their tops off, we’re greased up - it’s a bit like “Brokeback Mountain”, but instead of the subtle suggestion of sex, it’s full-screen erotica. [Ryan laughs, and everyone in the studio goes into hysterics] Then you and I parade through the streets of New York City, making women pregnant, we don’t know whose is whose until the babies are born and if they work out to be little square Americans we know they’re yours, if they’re ravishing English scarecrow-men [more hysterical laughter from the studio] then they’re mine. But we’ll raise them together all the same!
Ryan: Book me an American Airlines flight to New York! [people in the studio die with laughter in the background] Sunday, MTV. [with a laugh] Russell, thanks for calling, bro. I’ll talk to you.
Russell: Thank you. It’s lovely to talk to you both. Take care.
Ryan: Goodbye!
Ellen: Bye!
[They hang up the phone]
Ryan: …Nah, I made that up.
[studio cracks up]
Ellen: I’m like, ‘are you really? You didn’t tell us!’ like, everyone’s keeping their jobs a secret - Ellen DeGeneres, and now you on the VMAs….
Ryan: No, no, I made that up ‘cause I had to distract him!
Ellen: [killing herself laughing] Yeah, that really distracted him!
[everyone laughs]
Ryan: Yeah, backfire??!?
This is how it always is with them. It's like as soon as he's around someone who is so very, very obviously heterosexual, and yet can talk about having sex with other guys, Ryan just... Like that other interview where Russell called from his bed 'cause it was so early in the morning, and they were joking about how Russell was jerking off while on the phone to him, and it was this whole big thing. And then, when someone like Tyson Ritter talks about how 'Gives You Hell' is about a guy, Ryan gets this total hetero-panic going.
I don't understand that kid sometimes. *laughs* It's like what he does doesn't necessarily compute with what he's thinking, so it's hard to get a read on him. I don't think I'd be able to unless I met him, and that's probably never going to happen, so.