(no subject)
There are greater sob stories out there. There have been better tragedies, more elaborate truths, more negative consequences, and larger tear drops. But still, this is the only story that affects me completely and only.
I've had this trouble differentiating truth from facade, friend from foe, happiness from anything else. Over the last semester, i've felt myself change a lot. At one point I cared a lot more abotu school and education. At one point i felt like school was effective and mandatory and that in order to be highly successful i needed it. But now that i'm here, what? I can't afford $12,000 a year out of my pocket on tuition and room and board. I don't have a meal plan. I cant bring myself to get out of bed anymore, i can't stop thinking. i cant stop lamenting.
and it's sofucking lame, that i am here pouring out very personal thoughts and feeligns on an online journal while one of the happiest songs:ohia songs i have ever heard plays in the background. but, that's me.
Not many people know the extent of the drug use. Not many people know the shadows of whatever this depression is. Some people don't understand anything that is thrown at them. If this were anyone else, it's something i could easily brush off my shoulder, store the generalization in the back of my head, and pass judgement.
but there's more to it than that. I havent seen my father in almost a year and he lives less than an hour away. we only talk when i need money--- having to beg and plead for hours, only agreed to be "lent" to me if i pay him back asap. Nah, no one ever set up a college fund for me.
what about the work that i'm not doing, for the classes i don't attend? I don't know. it seems simple enough, but it's too boring. there's nothing stimulating me anymore, and i believe i have priority over myself... but whatever. i'm going to set up an appointment to get examined. something's wrong, and i ignored it when i noticed. now, everything is out of control.
i really don't know what to do anymore.
I've had this trouble differentiating truth from facade, friend from foe, happiness from anything else. Over the last semester, i've felt myself change a lot. At one point I cared a lot more abotu school and education. At one point i felt like school was effective and mandatory and that in order to be highly successful i needed it. But now that i'm here, what? I can't afford $12,000 a year out of my pocket on tuition and room and board. I don't have a meal plan. I cant bring myself to get out of bed anymore, i can't stop thinking. i cant stop lamenting.
and it's sofucking lame, that i am here pouring out very personal thoughts and feeligns on an online journal while one of the happiest songs:ohia songs i have ever heard plays in the background. but, that's me.
Not many people know the extent of the drug use. Not many people know the shadows of whatever this depression is. Some people don't understand anything that is thrown at them. If this were anyone else, it's something i could easily brush off my shoulder, store the generalization in the back of my head, and pass judgement.
but there's more to it than that. I havent seen my father in almost a year and he lives less than an hour away. we only talk when i need money--- having to beg and plead for hours, only agreed to be "lent" to me if i pay him back asap. Nah, no one ever set up a college fund for me.
what about the work that i'm not doing, for the classes i don't attend? I don't know. it seems simple enough, but it's too boring. there's nothing stimulating me anymore, and i believe i have priority over myself... but whatever. i'm going to set up an appointment to get examined. something's wrong, and i ignored it when i noticed. now, everything is out of control.
i really don't know what to do anymore.