Spoilerific Spiderman Reaction
I just saw Spiderman 3. And well, golly, I must say the special effects are great, the acting wasn't bad, the porn potential was enormous - and Venom… well let's just say as the Gate, I find a kind of kindred spirit in that entity. Evil black possessive tentacley critter who does some kick ass bondage? Who can say no to that?
The plot… uh… Okay, honestly, it rambles. Too many bad guys. Too many subplots. Way, way, way many emotional conflicts going on. And a lot of these conflicts amount to drama for the sake of drama. Logic goes out the window as the characters switch between instant hate and instant forgiveness, without a shred of thoughtfulness along the way.
So those of you who know me, when I see a plot that doesn't quite work, I like to rewrite it, to make it actually, you know, make dramatic sense. So here is my version of Spiderman 3 (with spoilers liek whoa):
Scene 1: Sam Raimi version
PARKER: Squee! I get to see my girlfriend sing.
MJ: 4 minutes of the dullest possible show tune sung with no perceptible vocal problems.
PARKER: That was awesome.
MJ: I sucked!
EVERYONE ELSE IN MOVIE: She sucked.
AUDIENCE: She did? Well. if you tell me so.
Vel-version:
PARKER: Squee!
MJ: 2 seconds of her barely audible over a loud orchestra.
PARKER: That was awesome! Read a cereal box to me and watch me be enraptured!
MJ: I sucked!
EVERYONE ELSE INCLUDING AUDIENCE: Yeah you did.
Scene 2-5: Sam Raimi version
SPIDEY is awesome and loved by everyone. MJ is fired and hated.
PARKER: *BNF's obnoxiously!*
MJ: You don't understand what I'm going through, but I won't actually tell you either.
PARKER: ME ME ME ME ME Oh a beautiful woman's going to give me the keys to the city. ME!
OTHER WOMAN: Hi! Have a key!
PARKER: Hi OTHERWOMAN! Mind if I give you a deep sexy kiss exactly like the ultra special one I gave MJ once? Let's do it in front of MJ and get it put on the front pages of all the major newspapers to remind her later. I'm sure there will be absolutely no consequences from this.
MJ: *Is emotionally bitchslapped*
AUDIENCE: Wow PARKER is a total dick in this movie!
Vel-version
SPIDEY is awesome and loved by everyone. MJ is fired and hated.
MJ: Wah my career is tanking --
PARKER: *Not listening, gushes over her job, envisions rosy future!*
MJ: Yeah about that I -
PARKER: *Gushes more. Puts her up on a pedistal*
MJ: Aw that's sweet *Is too embarrassed to ruin his image of her.*
PARKER: and now it's time to prove how awesome I am by getting the key to the city!
OTHERWOMAN: Here's your key. *Flirts*
MJ: I totally suck. How can I hope to keep an awesome guy like PARKER when everyone wants him?
AUDIENCE: Sympathizes.
Scene 6-9
FLINT escapes from prison and looks up his daughter and returns her letters to him (A/N: don't most people do that when they are cutting off a relationship?).
WIFE: You are EBIL. I hate you.
FLINT: Honestly I'm good, I'm trying to save our daughter by stealing money. Because obviously throwing stolen money at her vague illness will cure it.
WIFE: Get out of my house, loser!
COPS: Hey it's Flint! Lets chase him into a random reactor thingie.
SCIENTISTS: Observe our own project? Why would we do that? By the way, what is this machinery supposed to do?
FLINT: *Is turned to sand*
Vel-version
FLINT Looks in on daughter and looks sad, seals and envelope with a note to her and puts it under her pillow.
WIFE: Why did you do those terrible things you did?
FLINT: It was an accident. I never meant for this to happen. The least I can do is to get the money for you to go to a foreign country and get that therapy which is not currently available in the US. I screwed up, this is the only thing left for me to do.
WIFE: You better leave before they find you.
COPS: Find him. Chase him around until he falls into some machinery as it's in the process of doing its thing.
SCIENTISTS: WTF! There's a guy in the machinery! Shut it down!
FLINT is turned to sand.
Scene 10-12: Sam Raimi version
VENOM: Hi I'm gonna randomly drop out of the sky and then do nothing for the next hour.
BROCK: Hi I'm gonna try to steal PARKER'S Job and generally be a mostly ignoreable plot thread for the next hour.
FLINT: Hi, I'm gonna come back to life and ineffectively rob banks and generally be a huge public nuisance for the next hour.
Vel's version
More or less the same.
Scene 12-15; Sam Raimi version
OSBORNE and SPIDEY have a dramatic fight.
OSBORNE: You killed my dad!
PARKER: I'm done explaining my innocence to you.
OSBORNE: Ack! I've fallen 30 feet onto concrete -- luckily nothing has hurt my looks!
PARKER: Let me give you the boring part of CPR, then carry to the hospital without immobilizing your spine.
OSBORNE: Oh no! I randomly have amnesia! Hey guys, let's have a do over!
PARKER: Sure!
OSBORNE + PARKER Friends 4 evar
Vel-version
OSBORNE: You killed my dad! U SUK (sadly this reaction is already established.)
PARKER: I - I - Dude lets stop fighting long enough for me to explain!
OSBORNE: Never! *Falls 30 feet and breaks both legs*
PARKER: *Calls ambulance, comforts him.*
OSBORNE: *Helpless in hospital.* Why didn’t Parker kill me?
BUTLER: Because he's innocent (I probably should have told you this last movie, huh, my bad)
OSBORNE: Forgive me, Parker
PARKER: Sure dude. Just recover.
AUDIENCE: Awwwwwwww.
Scene 15-18 Sam Raimi version
PARKER and MJ meet at a restaurant.
PARKER: I'm clueless that MJ is unhappy so I'll blather on about how wonderful life (for me) is.
MJ: I could tell you I'm now a waitress, but I won't.
OTHERWOMAN: Hi, I'm randomly here to grope you despite the fact that you are with your girlfriend, and I'm just some chick in your class.
MJ: Okay, I'm humiliated enough. Hey OSBORNE date me?
OSBORNE: Okay sure!
MJ: Let me lose all audience sympathy by kissing you.
OSBORNE: That kiss cured my amnesia! Now I remember, I psychopathically hate my friends despite the fact that they are nothing but kind to me and I don't seem to have any other social group to hang out with. MJ-- Break up with PARKER or he DIES!
MJ: ACK! You are the Green Goblin! Despite the fact that PARKER has always come out on top against you, I have no faith in him, so I will kick him in the nuts to save his life.
AUDIENCE: Wow, MJ really follows the sexist stereotype doesn't she!
Vel version
PARKER and MJ meet at a restaurant
PARKER: *talks gushingly about MJ's future on broadway*
MJ: *Feels less worthy of Parker*
OTHERWOMAN: Hey Peter! Let's chat about class proving I'm super smart and talented as well as beautiful.
MJ: She knows PARKER and SPIDEY? And she's smart as Peter. I really fail. *Runs off.*
PARKER: What? What happened?
MJ: Hey OSBORNE, can I sit by your hospital bedside and pour my heart out to you?
OSBORNE: Okay. *Holds her hands, they share a tender friendship moment.*
Scene 21-28: Sam Raimi version
VENOM rapes PARKER in his sleep and turns him EBIL! PARKER shows this emotional change by wearing eyeliner and combing his hair over his eyes. Although it's a bit of a stretch he also manages to be even more of an asshole than he's been all movie. Oddly enough, his reporter skills improve a great deal.
VENOM-PARKER: I'm going to take OTHERWOMAN out for a date at MJ's club then humilate her by acting like an total attention whoring ass.
OTHERWOMAN: WTF you jerk!
VENOM-PARKER: MJ have a face full of fist for no reason!
MJ: WTF you jerk!
VENOM-PARKER: OSBORNE, I'm going to actually cause permanant injury this time.
OSBORNE: Not the face! WTF you jerk!
VENOM-PARKER: BROCK I did some insightful background checks on your last photo, and I see you've photoshopped it here, here and here.
J.J. Jamison: Congratulations for finally showing some investigative skills, have a full time job VENOM - I mean PARKER.
Vel-version
VENOM ignores MJ and OTHERWOMAN and OSBORNE and concentrates more on fighting crime - in a more callous way with more casualties. Also he gets BROCK fired - leading this wanna-be reporter to actually investigate PARKER and discover that he's VENOM.
Scene 29-31 Sam Raimi
FLINT: Remember me?
AUDIENCE: yeah, you are the boring villain who we don't care about!
FLINT: Right. Now I will fight Venom, the cool villain you DO care about.
VENOM-PARKER: I win, even though nothing seems to actually hurt you.
FLINT: I appear to be invulnerable yet I lost… huh, how'd that happen?
PARKER: Gloats- oh wait I shouldn't be doing that, I'm a good guy. Oh no! I'm out of control and evil. It's VENOM'S fault. I want a divorce!
VENOM: NO don't leave me! I love you, you juicy piece of manflesh you!
BROCK: I just happen to be here and look highly molestable.
VENOM: Oh never mind, PARKER. Ties up and tentacle rapes BROCK.
Vels version
Dude, why would I mess with that?
Scene 32-35: Sam Raimi version
VENOM: I want revenge on my Ex. You want revenge on Spiderman. Let's work together.
FLINT: Actually, I don't really want revenge on Spiderman, I just want money for my dau-
VENOM: Yes you do - it's in the script.
FLINT: Okay I do.
VENOM: Let's attack his girlfriend, because her only use in all these films is to be a hostage.
MJ: I may not be able to sing, but I can shriek!
PARKER: Oh no! I can't do them both at the same time! I'll ask the one person who I know hates my guts and wants me to die for help.
OSBORNE: No dude. I'm not gonna help you.
BUTLER: Oh by the way, PARKER has always been your friend and didn't kill your dad.
OSBORNE: Why didn't you tell me before my face got messed up? Jeez! I would never have turned evil if you'd vouched for PARKER before!
BUTLER: Ooops, my bad.
Vels Version
PARKER finds out MJ is kidnapped while visiting OSBORNE at his home.
PARKER: OH NO I must go.
OSBORNE *is still wearing casts* Wish I could help.
PARKER: No you get well, I'll save her! *Leaves - dramatically fights badguys -- and fails*
OSBORNE: I'm going to be a good guy and take my own casts off and come to PARKER'S rescue.
BUTLER: Here, sir, I have a saw.
Scene 36-40: Sam Raimi's version
Huge dramtic fight with lots of CGI, and questionable bondage. Things look bad for SPIDEY. OSBORNE shows up to the rescue at the last moment. Osborne is stabbed. The tide turns and Venom is killed.
Vel's verision
Mmm… bondage. Lots of it. No stabbing OSBORNE plzthx
Scene 41-43: Sam Raimi's version.
FLINT: Wait now what's my motivation again?
PARKER: Why did you kill my uncle? (Because the only reason I'd be going after you is because the writers rewrote the first movie to include you in my uncles death, not because you a freak of nature who endangers the public.)
FLINT: I didn't mean to. It was an accident that I kinda shot him when I was distracted.
PARKER: Oh, then I forgive you.
FLINT: Okay, bye!
FLINT leaves to presumably continue to robbing banks and endangering people to cure his daughter's illness.
OSBORNE: I'm dying. No, don't call an ambulance for me. It would ruin the drama if I actually survived.
MJ: *Tearfully.* Okay.
PARKER: Now MJ and I can h/c each other over your corpse.
OSBORNE: Glad to be a prop for your relationship.
Vels Version
FLINT sees Venom dead.
FLINT: I really don't know why I'm fighting you guys. I'm not a bad guy I just need money to save my daughter. (And I'm not retroactively your uncles murderer -wtf).
OSBORNE: I have money. Will you stop rampaging if I took care of your family?
FLINT: Yes.
OSBORNE: Okay!
FLINT: *Evaporates, his purpose in life fulfilled.*
MJ and PARKER talk about forgiveness and straighten up their relationship.
OSBORNE is PARKER's best man at the wedding.
THE END.
The plot… uh… Okay, honestly, it rambles. Too many bad guys. Too many subplots. Way, way, way many emotional conflicts going on. And a lot of these conflicts amount to drama for the sake of drama. Logic goes out the window as the characters switch between instant hate and instant forgiveness, without a shred of thoughtfulness along the way.
So those of you who know me, when I see a plot that doesn't quite work, I like to rewrite it, to make it actually, you know, make dramatic sense. So here is my version of Spiderman 3 (with spoilers liek whoa):
Scene 1: Sam Raimi version
PARKER: Squee! I get to see my girlfriend sing.
MJ: 4 minutes of the dullest possible show tune sung with no perceptible vocal problems.
PARKER: That was awesome.
MJ: I sucked!
EVERYONE ELSE IN MOVIE: She sucked.
AUDIENCE: She did? Well. if you tell me so.
Vel-version:
PARKER: Squee!
MJ: 2 seconds of her barely audible over a loud orchestra.
PARKER: That was awesome! Read a cereal box to me and watch me be enraptured!
MJ: I sucked!
EVERYONE ELSE INCLUDING AUDIENCE: Yeah you did.
Scene 2-5: Sam Raimi version
SPIDEY is awesome and loved by everyone. MJ is fired and hated.
PARKER: *BNF's obnoxiously!*
MJ: You don't understand what I'm going through, but I won't actually tell you either.
PARKER: ME ME ME ME ME Oh a beautiful woman's going to give me the keys to the city. ME!
OTHER WOMAN: Hi! Have a key!
PARKER: Hi OTHERWOMAN! Mind if I give you a deep sexy kiss exactly like the ultra special one I gave MJ once? Let's do it in front of MJ and get it put on the front pages of all the major newspapers to remind her later. I'm sure there will be absolutely no consequences from this.
MJ: *Is emotionally bitchslapped*
AUDIENCE: Wow PARKER is a total dick in this movie!
Vel-version
SPIDEY is awesome and loved by everyone. MJ is fired and hated.
MJ: Wah my career is tanking --
PARKER: *Not listening, gushes over her job, envisions rosy future!*
MJ: Yeah about that I -
PARKER: *Gushes more. Puts her up on a pedistal*
MJ: Aw that's sweet *Is too embarrassed to ruin his image of her.*
PARKER: and now it's time to prove how awesome I am by getting the key to the city!
OTHERWOMAN: Here's your key. *Flirts*
MJ: I totally suck. How can I hope to keep an awesome guy like PARKER when everyone wants him?
AUDIENCE: Sympathizes.
Scene 6-9
FLINT escapes from prison and looks up his daughter and returns her letters to him (A/N: don't most people do that when they are cutting off a relationship?).
WIFE: You are EBIL. I hate you.
FLINT: Honestly I'm good, I'm trying to save our daughter by stealing money. Because obviously throwing stolen money at her vague illness will cure it.
WIFE: Get out of my house, loser!
COPS: Hey it's Flint! Lets chase him into a random reactor thingie.
SCIENTISTS: Observe our own project? Why would we do that? By the way, what is this machinery supposed to do?
FLINT: *Is turned to sand*
Vel-version
FLINT Looks in on daughter and looks sad, seals and envelope with a note to her and puts it under her pillow.
WIFE: Why did you do those terrible things you did?
FLINT: It was an accident. I never meant for this to happen. The least I can do is to get the money for you to go to a foreign country and get that therapy which is not currently available in the US. I screwed up, this is the only thing left for me to do.
WIFE: You better leave before they find you.
COPS: Find him. Chase him around until he falls into some machinery as it's in the process of doing its thing.
SCIENTISTS: WTF! There's a guy in the machinery! Shut it down!
FLINT is turned to sand.
Scene 10-12: Sam Raimi version
VENOM: Hi I'm gonna randomly drop out of the sky and then do nothing for the next hour.
BROCK: Hi I'm gonna try to steal PARKER'S Job and generally be a mostly ignoreable plot thread for the next hour.
FLINT: Hi, I'm gonna come back to life and ineffectively rob banks and generally be a huge public nuisance for the next hour.
Vel's version
More or less the same.
Scene 12-15; Sam Raimi version
OSBORNE and SPIDEY have a dramatic fight.
OSBORNE: You killed my dad!
PARKER: I'm done explaining my innocence to you.
OSBORNE: Ack! I've fallen 30 feet onto concrete -- luckily nothing has hurt my looks!
PARKER: Let me give you the boring part of CPR, then carry to the hospital without immobilizing your spine.
OSBORNE: Oh no! I randomly have amnesia! Hey guys, let's have a do over!
PARKER: Sure!
OSBORNE + PARKER Friends 4 evar
Vel-version
OSBORNE: You killed my dad! U SUK (sadly this reaction is already established.)
PARKER: I - I - Dude lets stop fighting long enough for me to explain!
OSBORNE: Never! *Falls 30 feet and breaks both legs*
PARKER: *Calls ambulance, comforts him.*
OSBORNE: *Helpless in hospital.* Why didn’t Parker kill me?
BUTLER: Because he's innocent (I probably should have told you this last movie, huh, my bad)
OSBORNE: Forgive me, Parker
PARKER: Sure dude. Just recover.
AUDIENCE: Awwwwwwww.
Scene 15-18 Sam Raimi version
PARKER and MJ meet at a restaurant.
PARKER: I'm clueless that MJ is unhappy so I'll blather on about how wonderful life (for me) is.
MJ: I could tell you I'm now a waitress, but I won't.
OTHERWOMAN: Hi, I'm randomly here to grope you despite the fact that you are with your girlfriend, and I'm just some chick in your class.
MJ: Okay, I'm humiliated enough. Hey OSBORNE date me?
OSBORNE: Okay sure!
MJ: Let me lose all audience sympathy by kissing you.
OSBORNE: That kiss cured my amnesia! Now I remember, I psychopathically hate my friends despite the fact that they are nothing but kind to me and I don't seem to have any other social group to hang out with. MJ-- Break up with PARKER or he DIES!
MJ: ACK! You are the Green Goblin! Despite the fact that PARKER has always come out on top against you, I have no faith in him, so I will kick him in the nuts to save his life.
AUDIENCE: Wow, MJ really follows the sexist stereotype doesn't she!
Vel version
PARKER and MJ meet at a restaurant
PARKER: *talks gushingly about MJ's future on broadway*
MJ: *Feels less worthy of Parker*
OTHERWOMAN: Hey Peter! Let's chat about class proving I'm super smart and talented as well as beautiful.
MJ: She knows PARKER and SPIDEY? And she's smart as Peter. I really fail. *Runs off.*
PARKER: What? What happened?
MJ: Hey OSBORNE, can I sit by your hospital bedside and pour my heart out to you?
OSBORNE: Okay. *Holds her hands, they share a tender friendship moment.*
Scene 21-28: Sam Raimi version
VENOM rapes PARKER in his sleep and turns him EBIL! PARKER shows this emotional change by wearing eyeliner and combing his hair over his eyes. Although it's a bit of a stretch he also manages to be even more of an asshole than he's been all movie. Oddly enough, his reporter skills improve a great deal.
VENOM-PARKER: I'm going to take OTHERWOMAN out for a date at MJ's club then humilate her by acting like an total attention whoring ass.
OTHERWOMAN: WTF you jerk!
VENOM-PARKER: MJ have a face full of fist for no reason!
MJ: WTF you jerk!
VENOM-PARKER: OSBORNE, I'm going to actually cause permanant injury this time.
OSBORNE: Not the face! WTF you jerk!
VENOM-PARKER: BROCK I did some insightful background checks on your last photo, and I see you've photoshopped it here, here and here.
J.J. Jamison: Congratulations for finally showing some investigative skills, have a full time job VENOM - I mean PARKER.
Vel-version
VENOM ignores MJ and OTHERWOMAN and OSBORNE and concentrates more on fighting crime - in a more callous way with more casualties. Also he gets BROCK fired - leading this wanna-be reporter to actually investigate PARKER and discover that he's VENOM.
Scene 29-31 Sam Raimi
FLINT: Remember me?
AUDIENCE: yeah, you are the boring villain who we don't care about!
FLINT: Right. Now I will fight Venom, the cool villain you DO care about.
VENOM-PARKER: I win, even though nothing seems to actually hurt you.
FLINT: I appear to be invulnerable yet I lost… huh, how'd that happen?
PARKER: Gloats- oh wait I shouldn't be doing that, I'm a good guy. Oh no! I'm out of control and evil. It's VENOM'S fault. I want a divorce!
VENOM: NO don't leave me! I love you, you juicy piece of manflesh you!
BROCK: I just happen to be here and look highly molestable.
VENOM: Oh never mind, PARKER. Ties up and tentacle rapes BROCK.
Vels version
Dude, why would I mess with that?
Scene 32-35: Sam Raimi version
VENOM: I want revenge on my Ex. You want revenge on Spiderman. Let's work together.
FLINT: Actually, I don't really want revenge on Spiderman, I just want money for my dau-
VENOM: Yes you do - it's in the script.
FLINT: Okay I do.
VENOM: Let's attack his girlfriend, because her only use in all these films is to be a hostage.
MJ: I may not be able to sing, but I can shriek!
PARKER: Oh no! I can't do them both at the same time! I'll ask the one person who I know hates my guts and wants me to die for help.
OSBORNE: No dude. I'm not gonna help you.
BUTLER: Oh by the way, PARKER has always been your friend and didn't kill your dad.
OSBORNE: Why didn't you tell me before my face got messed up? Jeez! I would never have turned evil if you'd vouched for PARKER before!
BUTLER: Ooops, my bad.
Vels Version
PARKER finds out MJ is kidnapped while visiting OSBORNE at his home.
PARKER: OH NO I must go.
OSBORNE *is still wearing casts* Wish I could help.
PARKER: No you get well, I'll save her! *Leaves - dramatically fights badguys -- and fails*
OSBORNE: I'm going to be a good guy and take my own casts off and come to PARKER'S rescue.
BUTLER: Here, sir, I have a saw.
Scene 36-40: Sam Raimi's version
Huge dramtic fight with lots of CGI, and questionable bondage. Things look bad for SPIDEY. OSBORNE shows up to the rescue at the last moment. Osborne is stabbed. The tide turns and Venom is killed.
Vel's verision
Mmm… bondage. Lots of it. No stabbing OSBORNE plzthx
Scene 41-43: Sam Raimi's version.
FLINT: Wait now what's my motivation again?
PARKER: Why did you kill my uncle? (Because the only reason I'd be going after you is because the writers rewrote the first movie to include you in my uncles death, not because you a freak of nature who endangers the public.)
FLINT: I didn't mean to. It was an accident that I kinda shot him when I was distracted.
PARKER: Oh, then I forgive you.
FLINT: Okay, bye!
FLINT leaves to presumably continue to robbing banks and endangering people to cure his daughter's illness.
OSBORNE: I'm dying. No, don't call an ambulance for me. It would ruin the drama if I actually survived.
MJ: *Tearfully.* Okay.
PARKER: Now MJ and I can h/c each other over your corpse.
OSBORNE: Glad to be a prop for your relationship.
Vels Version
FLINT sees Venom dead.
FLINT: I really don't know why I'm fighting you guys. I'm not a bad guy I just need money to save my daughter. (And I'm not retroactively your uncles murderer -wtf).
OSBORNE: I have money. Will you stop rampaging if I took care of your family?
FLINT: Yes.
OSBORNE: Okay!
FLINT: *Evaporates, his purpose in life fulfilled.*
MJ and PARKER talk about forgiveness and straighten up their relationship.
OSBORNE is PARKER's best man at the wedding.
THE END.