Yes, I will run and hide till memories fade away
So, I realized that in a round about way, I am doing the very thing I always wanted to do. Run Away.
I am going to (hopefull) be spending spring break doing service work somewhere, either North Carolina or Virginia. I am going to be spending my summer in Washington DC doing an internship, and then I will be spending the fall doing the Washington Semester Program in DC (The one I was supposed to do this semester)
And I was talking to my one friend about this. I really want to spend my life wandering. I hate being kept in one place all the time. I hate seeing the same things all the time, and I don't want to say this, but a lot of times I dislike interacting with the same people all the time. I want to meet new people, and travel to new places, and experience new things. But most of all, I hate being attached to anything. Anyone, any place. I dislike feeling obligated to do things. I dislike being told when to be where. I dislike being told anything. I don't have to do anything, according to me. And If I do things, I want to be the reason why I am doing it.
So travelling places seems like the perfect option. Get on a bus, and just go. But what am I running from? Obligations? Bad memories? People? Responsibilities? Growing up?
...... breif break in rant to say that my cousin just IM'd me asking if I needed a ride home. Vey confused, I said "no, my mom's getting me this weekend" and then she was like "ok, well, I didn't know if she could because of the roof fiasco" More confused, I was like "what?" And she went on to explain that our roof was damaged in the wind storm that happened last night. So I found out from my cousin who heard from her mom who heard from grandma who heard it from my dad when he went in to work this morning. Somehow I didn't get the memo.
---- back to the regularly scheduled rant.
I think I finally figured out what I'm running from though. And it's not really any of the options above.
I'm running away because I don't feel like I deserve love. Because I often feel like I am a horrible person if people knew who I really was. I feel like while I present this other side to people, a happier side, I really have this horrible side to me. I know everyone has their own monsters inside, but I feel like eventually, people will find mine. And I won't deserve their love. So if I run away, and keep running away, I won't get attached to people, and people won't get attached to me.
And, more specifically, I won't keep falling in love with the same person. And I won't have to watch this person fall in love with someone else. I won't keep this cycle of hating myself for loving him, and hating him for loving someone else, and then hating myself for hating him; and yet at the same time, needing him in my life, because he's my best friend. If I run away, that cycle breaks. Because I know that I have an excuse for not doing anything about it, because I will be a thousand miles away. And at that distance, you really can't do anything. You can't sit there and dream about when you see them next and how you will hold them in your arms, because, after all, that's what best friends do. They cuddle and hold hands, and give lots of hugs. A thousand miles away you can't even dream about that.
So, I want to run away from love, from attachment, because without those things, I feel I can be completely free.
Maybe that was a little too personal. But oh well.