(no subject)
I still have nightmares about him. Many of them occur when I am at the edge of waking, when my mind is pliable and foolish- the sweet and dangerous underbelly. In these scenarios he is always dead or dying. But unlike a horror film which would detail this act of dying graphically, what I experience is just this immense absence. This sadness that I know, inherently, means he is gone.
I often have the feeling that if I stayed; that if I had forsaken my own happiness and clung to our metaphorical sinking ship, that if I had just tried a little bit harder he would be alright. And the emptiness, the hole that grows beneath my sternum, would not be there.
These days it is a lie I cannot convince myself of.
The contrast between the two- C. and N.- is stark. I can clearly see the evolution of myself mirrored back in these two. I can clearly see myself becoming happy.
I often have the feeling that if I stayed; that if I had forsaken my own happiness and clung to our metaphorical sinking ship, that if I had just tried a little bit harder he would be alright. And the emptiness, the hole that grows beneath my sternum, would not be there.
These days it is a lie I cannot convince myself of.
The contrast between the two- C. and N.- is stark. I can clearly see the evolution of myself mirrored back in these two. I can clearly see myself becoming happy.