McShep Fic (kind of): De-chipped
Sometimes I tell myself McShep stories. Actually, that's how (almost) all my fic starts. I tell myself the story in my head. And if it turns out interesting enough I try to write it. This story came in a flash and started great and ended way too quickly like a gymnast that does a great jump and then lands flat on her face.
Also, a few hours later I realized I was already forgetting the story, so I knew in a week or month or so I would forget it ever existed, which is again, not a good sign that the story is great. But I thought the beginning was interesting enough to keep at least for myself, not as a story but an idea to reread. So I wanted to make a quick outline. Which turned out to be nearly 9000 words. It actually has dialog now, lots and lots of dialog that's not so much dialog as expressing the feelings they have, no matter how realistic or appropriate.
Apart from the terrible story arc, dialog abuse, the whole premise is like a sermon against homophobia and about sexual orientation not being a choice (at least I hope that comes through, because I try to give the other side their say), which is another reason why I felt I couldn't rescue this fic. But if 9000 words just flow from my hands into the keyboard like this, there has got to be something to this story, and maybe some of you will enjoy it too.
Title: De-chipped
Author:
velocitygrass
Pairing: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, Rodney/Jennifer established, John/Nancy established, brief thought of John/OMC
Rating: R
Warnings/Content notes: ( skip) deals with homophobia, illegal fictional medical procedures performed on a child
Spoilers: The AU includes/relates to things established in canon up to 4x20.
Word count: ~9000
Summary: "The pills that I've been taking. Could they be inhibitors?" John asks. "Inhibitors for what?" Jennifer asks. "Being gay!" John shouts.
Note: See above. Parts are summarized (in particular the beginning). Also includes my personal canonical family for Dave, in this case his wife Charlie and a tiny cameo of a very young Susan.
De-chipped
John is a happy successful man. I pictured him in sunglasses, getting out of a sports car full of self-confidence and without a care in the world. He's happily married to Nancy, working for the family company. There's one minor mark on his perfect life. He has a heart-disease for which he has to take pills, but they keep him healthy, and he's had no limitations on his life so far. He visits his doctor, who's an old man and actually retired, only still seeing John. But now he's too old for that and tells John this is the last time. He should finally go see his successor.
John always hesitated to do that because he seemed too slick. Now it looks like he'll have to give it a shot or find someone else. At work, there's a minor incident with someone collecting money for charity. John tries to be understanding until he finds out it's for the anti-gay chip.
There's an operation that allows people to have straight feelings even if they're gay with the help of a chip. Combined with drugs-inhibitors-they can suppress gay feelings and "become" straight. John is against those operations. He thinks it should be okay to be gay and rather than allowing people to make them artificially straight, people should start accepting gays. He tells the woman who's been collecting for charity that there's nothing wrong with being gay and instead of collecting to "help" people who don't want to face (or have their kids face) homophobia she should start being accepting and not help them to be straight, but tell them "It's okay to be gay".
The operation is a hot button issue. In Canada it's only allowed in cases with extreme dysphoria. In the US it's only allowed for people fifteen or older and it can't be done without the teen's consent (i.e. parents can't order their kids to have it).
The woman mentions that Patrick supports the cause and John tells her that it's something they disagree on and that she's working in his department and in any case should be non-disruptive in such requests as anyone else.
When he comes home, Nancy informs him they're invited to their father's place for dinner. John's not happy but he goes. He mentions the incident and what he told her. His father says he knows how John feels about it, but he thinks it's a worthy cause. It's only trying to help people.
John tells him, that supporting the operation only prevents actual progress that would make the operations unnecessary. Patrick says that may be the case, but who knows how long that would take and that there'll always be people who find it unnatural. It's simply not a perfect world, and it's only an option and options are good aren't they.
"Not if they offer an easy way out that's also wrong!" John counters.
Dave and Charlie are also there, and everyone just watches them fight.
"Apparently it's not wrong for the people who choose it and are happy," Patrick says. "It's to make people happy. It's to make your kids happy. What is so wrong to want your children to be happy? I'm sure Dave agrees."
Dave looks like he really doesn't want to get into this fight. "She's not even a year old. Let's wait until she can talk and walk before thinking about that."
"Also," John adds, "I'd hope that when Dave thinks about Susan's future he hopes that she'll be smart and healthy and a good person and not whether she'll like boys or girls."
"And she'll know we'll love her even if she does turn out to like girls," Charlie added.
Dave doesn't look happy, and also kind of uncomfortable, but squeezes his wife's hand in support.
"And that's how it should be. If people would support their kids and actually love them the way they are, they wouldn't have to press them to have an operation done with consequences that are almost too big too grasp. Can they even know what they're missing? So many of the people doing this are so young they haven't even had a real relationship. How can they compare it?"
"There've been studies with people who've lived as gay for a long time," Patrick says.
"Unhappily probably. And why? Because people don't want to accept that it's normal to be gay," John says.
"There are also studies that put the effects of the operation into question," Charlie points out.
John looks at her. "Exactly," he says. "She's right. It's by no means scientifically clear that the artificial 'heterosexuality' is the same as genuine feelings. You don't even know what you're really taking away from those kids."
Patrick looks at him hard. "They're happy. I know it." Before John can ask how and why, he adds, "I've heard accounts of it."
"You've heard what you wanted to hear. And maybe they really think they're happier this way or at least as happy," John says.
They stop the discussion, but later John talks to Charlie, Dave, and Nancy.
"Thanks for your support earlier," John tells Charlie.
"I agree with you. This 'treatment' only prolongs how long it'll take until the disease goes away. The progress for equal rights has practically ground to a complete halt since they've come up with it. And I've actually heard people-openly gay people-being questioned on why they chose not to do it. That's just..."
"It's wrong plain and simple," John says.
Dave and Nancy don't say anything.
"You've been pretty quiet," John points out to his wife (not maliciously).
"You know how I feel. I agree that it stands in the way of actually solving this problem, but on the other hand, I imagine a mother being faced with her daughter who desperately, desperately wants to not have these feelings anymore. I'm not sure how easy it is to just say no, when you know that you're condemning your child to a life that's...well, harder than it needs to be."
"These kids want it, John," Dave adds. "Or the adults that did it. Maybe the world would be a better place without it, but if you absolutely cannot be happy being gay, why not make it easier for them to be straight? You know how many of those people lived their lives. Isn't this better than living a lie, at least?"
"Maybe for some people," John concedes. "But for teenagers there should always be the option to give them the support that they need. Nobody can force them, but what exactly do you expect from places where your parents, your school, and your priest tells you that something is wrong with you and you need to fix it? It just makes me sick to think of the lives these kids will lead as opposed to the real lives they could have had."
"Maybe it's as real as the real thing," Dave says. "Maybe it really makes it come down to a choice, and who can blame them for choosing what's easier."
"Should I hope that Susan will turn out to be straight?" John wonders.
"As Charlie said, we'll love her no matter what, and she'll know that. Plus, she'll have an uncle who'll make sure she knows what she might be missing."
"I'll take that as permission to talk to her should the moment come," John says.
"Do that," his brother says.
At home, Nancy tells him that if they have kids (she's working on her career so they're waiting), she'd support them in any way she can if they're gay and she'd fight for them. John says he knows and kisses her.
A few days later he gets a call from the slimy successor of his doc and bites the bullet and makes an appointment. The doc is nice, seems professional, but John still thinks he's too slick. So he asks him about his thoughts on the anti-gay operation. "Would you perform it?"
The doc seems for the first time a bit hesitant. "It is a legal procedure. So if it was deemed best for the patient-"
"And who deems what's best?"
"The patient along with the parents."
"So the parents decide what's best for their kid?"
"Don't you think that parents want what's best for their kid?"
"Sometimes I think they might want what's best for them. What would you do if you thought the parents influenced their son to take this step?"
The doc hesitates. "Well, I would talk to all involved," he eventually starts, but John has enough.
He shakes his head. "I understand. Goodbye. I don't think I'll be coming again. Thanks."
After this, John goes to visit Charlie and Susan. Susan's a little charmer, trying to kiss her uncle when he picks her up. "Yeah, you have everyone wrapped around your little finger, don't you?" he says.
He tells Charlie that he discussed the operation with his doc and it's all the same. He'll need a new doc. Charlie tells him about her doctor, who's great. She's a woman, but if John doesn't mind, he could go to her.
Jennifer Keller is friendly, but not overbearingly or fakely so, and she's very professional. She's also confused by John's prescription for his heart medication, because she doesn't find anything wrong with his heart.
"I've been diagnosed when I was still a kid. I even had an operation. And I've been taking these all my life," John says.
"Which worries me a bit. They're not toxic, but shouldn't be taken if not needed and I can't in good conscience let you take them. You're of course free to get another opinion, but my recommendation is to stop taking them. I cannot find anything in my examination that should indicate there is a problem with your heart and you said yourself you haven't had any symptoms at all since you were a kid."
So John agrees and stops taking the pills. On the first day he half expects for his heart to act up, but it doesn't happen, so he wonders if Keller might be right. He also wonders what his old doc was thinking, but they're in a big project at work and John kind of forgets. It's a bit later that they're in a meeting or something and bring in someone from another department: a really hot guy comes in and John doesn't just acknowledge that he's attractive in an objective kind of way, but instead thinks that he's really fuckable and has a flash on thinking about fucking him.
He's shocked by the thought. He's never had thoughts about guys in that way. He's nearly forty, which is a bit too late to suddenly turn bisexual out of nowhere. Then he remembers that he recently stopped taking the pills. The pills that he took since he was a teenager. The pills that he started taking at his father's request when his mother turned ill. He even asked John not to tell her about it, because they didn't want to upset her with John's "heart disease".
John can't believe it, doesn't want to believe it. He storms off and goes to Keller's practice. He needs to make sure that he's not wrong. It's so unthinkable that he really, really hopes he's wrong, that it was just a freak coincidence that he found this particular guy hot.
Keller is not in the office, but she's living in the same house and John storms off to find her against the assistant's protests.
"Dr. Keller?" he shouts.
A man comes out of a room. "What is going on here? What are you doing here? Which part of private don't you get?" the guy demands.
"I need to see Dr. Keller."
"You need to accept that this is her private apartment. If you need a doctor-which you don't really look like you do, I might add-you should go to an emergency room."
Jennifer comes in. "John? What's going on?"
"The pills that I've been taking. Could they be inhibitors?" John asks.
"Inhibitors for what?" Jennifer asks.
"Being gay!" John shouts. He still can't even grasp that his whole sexual identity might have been taken from him without his consent or even knowledge.
Jennifer looks surprised and the guy, who's looked pretty pissed off at the intrusion, also looks shocked.
Jennifer composes herself. "Where did you get those pills. Can you give me your prescription? The one you actually took to the apothecary the last time."
"I never got them myself. My father had it arranged that I always had them sent to me. I have a prescription somewhere for emergencies, but I never needed it. And you said...you said it's not toxic, right? So if my father...if my father lied to me and these are inhibitors, even if I had forgotten them on a trip and gotten the real heart pills it wouldn't have been life threatening to me, right?" He needs to ask, because he doesn't even want to contemplate that his father is so obsessed with his son being straight that he even would have risked him taken a pill that is dangerous for him.
"Yes, it would have been fine, but what you're suggesting...do you still have the pills?" she asks.
"Yes. I have a few in my car." He goes and gets them, then hands them to Keller.
"The label and form is okay, but it could be fake of course. I can have these checked but it will take a moment. Let me get your file. I want to make sure that we're not missing something here."
She leaves John alone with the guy. John doesn't feel as shocked anymore and kind of realizes how he stormed in before. "I'm sorry for barging in here like that. I hope you'll understand why I needed to see your wife immediately."
"We're not married, but yes, I can see that. You...you think that your father gave you inhibitors under the pretense of giving you pills against an imaginary heart disease."
"That's my suspicion yes. Your wi- girlfriend?" he asks and the guy nods, "she told me I didn't need the pills and that I should stop taking them. So I did and today I...well, there was a guy and I had a, uhm, pretty graphic thought about..."
"Sex?" the guy says.
"Yes. And I've never had that before. I couldn't believe why this would come out of nowhere when I realized that it didn't have to be nowhere. I've been taking these pills since I was eleven. Until last week."
"And you've been having feelings for women?" the guy asks.
"I'm married," John says automatically, suddenly thinking about Nancy. Can that have been fake? But the pills wouldn't change that. They could only suppress his gay feelings.
"Then you're bisexual apparently. Must be lucky for your father. I wonder what he would have done if you'd been gay. Pills are one thing, but hiding a brain operation for a heart disease-" the guy stops, looking at John with worry.
John feels awful. He's had an operation after his mother's death. For his heart. He never understood why they needed to shave his head too. He just trusted them. John feels sick. "Bathroom?" he manages to ask.
The guy shows him and John rushes there and throws up. The guy is there with a glass of water and a towel and rubs John's back and John looks at him, grateful, and there's a moment where their eyes meet and John feels something stir in him. It's not like the purely superficial moment of imagining a guy or woman naked for a second, it's something deeper. It's like he could get lost in those blue eyes.
In a way, it's even more shocking than the moment of imaginary sex. He can fall in love with a guy, a guy like this guy. And every relationship he ever had, his marriage might be the result of an artificial chip in his head.
They go back to the living room. Jennifer comes in. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Just needed to throw up. I think my father implanted a chip as well. I told you about the operation I had. They also shaved my head and did something there. They explained it somehow, I didn't care, they were my doctors; I had no reason not to trust them."
"That would be illegal!" the guy says, outraged. "Not that the inhibitors wouldn't be, but an illegal operation like this is"-he deflates-"sadly, only too imaginable. I'm so sorry."
"We don't know this for sure, yet," Jennifer interrupts.
"Doc, can you think of any reason why you'd operate on the head for the kind of heart disease I was supposed to have?" John asks.
She hesitates. "No, but we should still make sure. Let me do a scan."
They do and as John knew, there's a chip. He doesn't even know what to say. There's no way he can even fully understand the implications on his life, past, present, and future.
"I have patients coming in, but I'll tell them something's come up."
"No, it's okay. I've imposed long enough."
"John, this is serious and you're not imposing."
"Still, there's nothing you can do at the moment, is there?" John asks.
"Maybe not directly, but I wouldn't feel comfortable just sending you on your way. Let's go back into my apartment and we can talk. It doesn't even have to be about this."
"I'm fine," John insists. She gives him a look. "Okay, I don't know how I am, but there's no point in you sending people away."
"Where will you go?" she asks.
John realizes he doesn't know. He doesn't think he can face Nancy, and he's not yet ready to confront his father.
Jennifer picks up the phone and calls. "I'd like John to stay with us this afternoon," she says, then nods, "Okay, we'll come over."
John follows her, but protests again. "At least, take the people that are already here," he says.
"I can stay with him," Keller's boyfriend says. He seems more friendly now. John again has this weird feeling when he sees him.
"Is that okay with you?" she asks John.
"Yes, please. I'll be fine with..."
"Rodney," the guy says.
"Rodney. I'm not sure I want to talk about this anyway. You take care of your patients like always and we'll just..."
"Talk about baseball or whatever it is he'll use as a distraction," Rodney throws in.
Keller gives him a doubtful look.
"What? As long as he doesn't expect me to listen, I'll be fine. Now shoo," Rodney tells her.
John can't help himself and laughs. Keller leaves them. "If you need anything let me know."
Once she's gone, Rodney goes and gets out some whiskey. "You look like you could need this," he says.
"God, yes." John drinks the glass all at once.
Rodney pours some more. "Just maybe take this a bit slower."
John smiles at him. "I will," he says only holding the glass. "I still don't know what to think. At first I was so angry and now it's like it's just empty inside of me."
"You have a chip, then?" Rodney asks, taking a sip from his own glass.
"Of course," John says. "My father doesn't do things by half."
"How old were you when you got it?"
"Twelve. After my mother died. I don't think she'd have let him do that to me."
"I'm sorry."
"So am I," John says, taking a sip. "My whole life...my father isn't a bad man. He works hard, always made sure that we had the best opportunities, but didn't spoil us rotten either. He wasn't there as often as I would have liked, but he didn't neglect us. He loved us." Then suddenly it occurs to him that Dave doesn't take any pills.
"What?" Rodney asks.
"My brother. He hasn't done it to him," John says.
"Maybe he showed early signs of heterosexuality. Or maybe there was something," Rodney hesitates. "Sometimes it's minor things that make people perceive someone as gay, even kids. Even if it's ridiculous."
"I never thought about guys that way. I was too young. I do remember my father telling me to act like a man. And he caught me kissing my Batman action figure once and told me that boys didn't do that." John is lost in a memory for a moment.
"I also had a crush on Batman as a kid," Rodney confesses.
John blinks. "And look how you turned out. I just goes to show that it doesn't have to mean anything what kids do."
"Well, yes. I agree, though I am bisexual," Rodney says.
John gets that weird feeling in his stomach again, but ignores it. It doesn't matter. Not only is this his doctor's boyfriend, but Rodney's sexuality isn't the point right now. It is about John's sexuality and his father's assumptions about it. "I can't believe he saw that and decided to just...take that choice away from me. Not that it's a choice. It shouldn't be. This is one of the few things my father and I disagree on. He thinks the operations help people. I guess that's what he thought he was doing. To a kid."
"Who might not even have turned out gay. You could be bisexual."
John looks up at that. A small amount of hope blossoms in him. "Maybe the chip isn't needed. Maybe what I feel for my wife- How quick can we switch this off?"
"Uhm, I'm sorry, I-" Rodney says.
"Do you think we can disturb her for a moment?" John asks.
"It should be a quick answer. Let's check with Grace."
They ask her and call Jennifer out, who tells them, "We'll have to schedule an operation for this. It's brain surgery. We'll need to have preliminary checks and actually, well, maybe you want to sleep over it."
John is kind of shocked by the implication that he might want to keep the fake feelings.
"Listen, I just need to finish-"
"No, it's okay. Thanks for the info. I just wanted a time frame," he says, then forces a smile.
They head back.
"For the record. I don't think you should be required to wait until you get rid of the thing. It's barbaric that they even allow it. I'm glad that it wasn't even an option at home." At John's look, he adds, "I'm from Canada."
John nods. He wonders if it would have mattered to his father if they were in Canada. Probably not.
"Need another drink?" Rodney asks.
"Still have some," John points at the glass he left. "I shouldn't get drunk. I need to..." He trails off. He needs to go home, if he still has a home. It's always felt like Nancy's house more than his. He still doesn't know how to face her.
"There might be a way to switch it off," Rodney suggests. John looks up. "The chip," Rodney clarifies. "I'd have to check with Jennifer, but an electromagnetic shock will kill just about any device. They'd still have to remove it, but at least you'd know what it did or didn't do in the mean time."
"How could you administer such a shock?" John asks.
"It should be possible to do it in my lab."
They go ahead and ask Jennifer after her patient is gone. "Don't you want to sleep over this?" she asks John.
"What is the option here? To keep lying to everyone, including myself and my wife? This was done to me against my will."
"I know, and what happened is not only illegal, but unforgivable, but many people do perform this operation voluntarily with no ill-effects. You're happy, aren't you?"
"Would it be okay for you to be loved only because of a chip? If the only thing that made Rodney want to be with you was a little device in his brain, wouldn't that bother you?" he asks her.
"Okay," she says. "It should be safe. And if for some reason you want it back we can replace the device instead of removing it."
They go to Rodney's lab and Rodney clears it for them.
"Thank you for doing this. You don't even know me," John says.
"This was done to you, and I can help. I wish I could do more," Rodney says.
John gets in. He takes a moment. He thinks about Nancy, about the feelings she evokes in him. He loves her, but it's not enough for him to hang on to it if it's not real. Maybe it is. Maybe he's bisexual like Rodney, and his father did this for nothing. He asks Rodney to go ahead.
The chip is fried, and when John thinks about Nancy, he feels great affection and he remembers feeling more-desire, lust-but that's gone now. He slumps down and sits right there in the contraption. Rodney sits down next to him and puts his hand around his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he says.
John twitches at the close contact. Rodney pulls his arm away again. "Sorry, I didn't..."
"It's just...I'm not...I'm not even sure who I am anymore." And he kind of misses Rodney's arm around him, but there are different implications about that as well now. He looks over at Rodney, at his big compassionate eyes that don't seem to hide a thing. In that moment, John knows he feels more for Rodney than his own wife and that's so wrong he cannot wrap his mind around it. This will break Nancy's heart. And he still can't believe how his father could do this to him.
John looks away, jaw clenching. "What do you think the odds were of me finding this out?"
Rodney thinks for a moment. "Hard to say. If you're otherwise healthy and he was able to keep your doctor quiet, there's no reason you ever would have found out. Or not until a lot later. You're father's still alive, right?"
"Yes, he is," John says. He'll have to face him again, and right now he's not sure if he wants to have him put in jail or just shout at him or be calm and collected and confront him with the simple truth that what his father did, did not help John but only served to hurt him-and his wife, whom his father adores.
"I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse," Rodney says.
"I'm glad he is. He needs to see what this did to me and that it wasn't okay, no matter how well-intentioned he was."
Rodney nods. "The road to hell and all that. Do you think we can leave? I don't want to pressure you or anything, but we were actually using this lab for something."
"Of course," John says, and quickly gets up. He holds up his hand, and Rodney takes it. John pulls him up. He gets this feeling again. He wonders if he's just so overwhelmed by his newfound feelings that he latches on to the first guy he meets or if it's more. But again, he dismisses the thought, because Rodney's in a relationship and more importantly, so is John, even if he'll have to change that.
He realizes he's still holding Rodney's hand and lets go.
They make their way outside. "Are you okay?" Rodney asks.
"I don't have the urge to wrap my car around the next tree. Or to go ahead and kill my father. Beyond that I can't say, but that seems to be the most important. I'm...I'll talk to my wife. No matter how many people live like this, I don't think I can. And I'm not sure she'd want to."
Rodney nods. "If you need someone to talk or to get drunk with or to pick you up anywhere anytime, call me," he says, handing him his card.
"I'll keep that in mind when I feel like shit at 2 am," John says with a grin.
But Rodney stays serious. "I mean it. I can't even imagine finding out what you did today. Finding out I was bisexual was relatively easy for me. My parents cared more about other things and we're not religious. But I still know it's a process. What your father did is deplorable, not just because of what he took from you, but because of what it implies about his feelings for you. That is was more important to him that you be straight than that you be yourself."
"I honestly believe he only wanted the best for me. I have to."
"Which doesn't make it right."
"No, it doesn't," John concedes. "And I will let him know. Just not today."
Rodney nods. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call."
"I will. Thank you. For everything."
Rodney nods and gets in his car. So does John. He drives home, which doesn't feel like home anymore and starts packing a few things. When Nancy comes home, he tells her they need to talk.
She is worried.
"A few days ago, I went to a new doctor. She said I didn't need these pills because there's nothing wrong with my heart."
Nancy is confused. "You've got it since you were a kid."
"That's what I thought. It was all a lie. These aren't for my heart," he says lifting a little bottle with pills. "They're inhibitors. And they go along with the chip in my head that I didn't know I had."
Nancy gasps.
"I guess Dad is really serious about 'helping' his kids."
"Are you sure?" Nancy asks. "I can't believe he'd be capable of doing that."
"Remember last week? You know how he thinks about this."
"Supporting the procedure isn't the same as doing it to a kid against their will," she shouts. "John, I don't know-" Suddenly she takes a step back. "You're gay," she says, as if only just realizing the implications for their relationship.
"As of two hours ago, yes," John says.
Nancy starts breathing hard and he goes to her and puts his hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?" He does still love her. The respect and affection he feels for her didn't go away.
She looks at him, tears in her eyes. "How could he do this?" 'To us' is implied.
"I don't know," John says and pulls her in his arms.
They have dinner together and John explains how he found out.
"So you're moving out?" Nancy asks.
"Would you want me to stay?" John asks. And maybe there's more to the question. Would she want him to get chipped again for the sake of their marriage?
She thinks about it. "I wish you could but I understand that you can't," she says. "And I don't want you to..."
"I understand," he says. "I'd hoped that the chip was unnecessary. That I was bisexual, not gay."
"But it's not our choice," she acknowledges, and John loves her for it, for not pretending like so many parts of society that it is a choice.
John leaves and goes to a hotel. Last night he went to bed with Nancy and all was right in his world. Today everything has changed. He's not the person he thought he was. He can't help wondering what would have been different if his father hadn't taken the easy cowardly path. John likes to believe he would have stayed strong as a teen and not given in. But he can't be sure, of course. Maybe if he'd been faced with the decision and the consequences it wouldn't have been as simple for him to dismiss the choice as wrong.
But the fact is, his father never gave him the choice, and as it is now, he knows that it was wrong and not for him, and his only choice is to live true to himself, even if he cannot imagine his life right now.
He wonders idly about dating guys now, having sex with guys, and as he falls asleep he remembers Rodney's expressive blue eyes.
He goes to work the next day, trying to make up for just up and leaving the day before. He gives his secretary the address of the hotel. When he comes back to the hotel he once again needs to face the state of limbo he's in now. He still doesn't feel ready for his confrontation with his father. Finalizing his divorce doesn't need to be done right this second, and he doesn't really know what to do with himself.
He considers visiting his brother's family. He knows Charlie will be supportive. He hopes Dave would be too. But it's too close to his father. He doesn't know if Nancy called any of them, but right now he'd like to believe that's all still ahead of him and he doesn't have to deal with it right now. But he can't just stay in his hotel room alone either.
He could go into a gay bar. See what he's been missing, though he's not kidding himself into thinking it will be that easy. Plus he isn't even sure yet if he'll be the kind of guy that goes into gay bars. He wasn't really into quick hook-ups with women when he thought he was straight. It's all so strange and confusing, and eventually, he thinks about Rodney's offer and calls him and tells him he wanted to head to a club.
They meet there and it's not all that different from a normal bar, except with more guys-and also guys dancing together.
"So, ready to begin your new life?" Rodney asks.
"Ready to find out what it might be like," John says ruefully. "And what I want."
"You're not a different person. I'd expect you still want the same things as before."
"That's going to be tough. I'll not be allowed to get married and kids will be difficult too."
Rodney looks at him. "You don't have any kids, do you?"
"No," John says. He's not sure if he should be happy about that or not, given the circumstances.
"I still hope things will eventually change here," Rodney says. "And you can have still have kids if that's what you want to."
"I'm not even sure. I just always thought kids would be part of my life. I thought I'd live the life that my father lived, that my brother lives."
"You can still have it. Maybe not exactly like that, but no two relationships are ever exactly the same."
John thinks about Rodney and Jennifer. He wonders about them, about their history, and what made them them as a couple. Though he's not sure he wants to know. For a second he wonders what would have been if Rodney were free. "I think I'm going to start with a drink," John says.
They get drinks and sit down in an alcove. John watches guys and Rodney asks him how it's different. "If you want to talk about it, of course. I realize it's personal, I'm just a bit curious."
"It's not different for everyone. Even when I wasn't gay, I could still recognize physical attractiveness. And I can still say if a woman is beautiful or not. I just don't respond to women in certain ways anymore." John thinks about Nancy for a moment. How breathtaking she could be to him. "And I don't find every guy hot," John continues.
"Well, it's not like a man has to find every woman hot, why should gay guys do?"
"I don't find every attractive guy hot either. I guess, yes, it's like it used to be with women."
"So you think the chip did a good job?" Rodney asks.
John wonders about that. He doesn't feel all that different about looking at a crowd of guys than he did about a crowd of women. "Let me get back to you on that once I have a relationship."
Rodney nods, but there's something in his face that John can't read.
The strange thing is that for all the guys in the club, some of them not bad-looking, the one person that he could imagine wanting to get to know better is Rodney.
"Do you want to ask someone to dance?" Rodney asks him, sounding a bit awkward. "Because the way we're sitting here, people might get the idea that you're taken."
"I don't know," John says. "I'm not sure this was such a good idea. I don't think I'm ready to jump into this. I just didn't want to be alone today."
Rodney nods. "We can go somewhere else." They leave and outside Rodney asks, "Where to?"
"There is...there is a place I used to go to as a teenager, after my mother died..."
"Not a bar then?" Rodney asks.
John snorts. "No. Though we could buy a six-pack and take it there. I did that when I was a bit older sometimes."
They do that and drive to the woods near his parent's house, walking until they get to small cliff with a stream running below.
"You want us to sit down here, where God knows what is crawling around?" Rodney asks.
John grins and removes his jacket, so that Rodney can sit on it.
"That's not necessary," Rodney says, squirming. "But since you offered."
John laughs.
"You can sit down on it as well. It's large enough since you're ready to ruin it."
They sit down, feet dangling over the cliff, thighs touching. John gets that feeling again and wonders if this was a good idea. He's never shown this place to anyone. It used to be his personal hiding place when his mother got sick and as he grew older, he didn't go as often anymore. "It's been a long time since I've been here," he says. "I think I would have come here more often if my father hadn't chipped me."
"It's your brooding place, huh?" Rodney guesses.
John only nods and opens two bottles. He hands one to Rodney.
"We shouldn't get drunk though. Or we'll need to call Jennifer to pick us up."
"She wouldn't mind?" John asks.
"I'm not in the habit of doing it. She'd be a good sport about it if I'm responsible. It's just a beer with a friend," he says, but averts his gaze and John wonders what Rodney sees in him.
"We've only known each other for two days," he points out.
"Well, I didn't literally mean that we're friends now. Although I- Nevermind. What I meant was that we're not doing...anything objectionable." Rodney gives John a sidelong glace and then turns away again and this time John is sure that there's something there.
"Is it a problem for Jennifer that you're bisexual?" he asks.
"Why should it be?" Rodney asks.
"I don't know. I think it would be a problem for some women," John says.
"Only if they think that being bisexual means that you're just afraid to admit you're gay, or that being bisexual somehow means that unlike straight people you can't be faithful. Which is both untrue," Rodney says. "At least in my case. I suppose there are guys who do both."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to be stereotypical or anything. I never thought that about bisexuals," John says.
"I believe you. There aren't many heterosexuals who are as vocal about their support for gays as you seemed to be. You said, you'd fought with your father about the chip before."
"I did, but then I was never straight. Not really. Although, yes, I don't think you need to be gay or bisexual to see that it's wrong. My sister-in-law thinks like I do and as far as I know she's straight."
"No, I know. Jennifer's not a friend of the procedure either, but she's done it," Rodney says.
"She has?" John says. He's a bit surprised about that. Jennifer seemed genuinely appalled by what his father had done. Which she probably was. What his father did was a far cry from allowing a desperate teenager to do it.
"Yes, but she's asking people to wait until they're adults. She encourages them to try to live with this. Some go to a different doctor. Some come around. And some decide that they don't want to live that life. Even if it's not as good as the real thing."
"I can't understand that. I have to admit I don't really know what it's like to be an openly gay man, but I really hope it isn't so bad that you'd rather live a false life than face reality."
"If your real life sucks, a false better life might seem inviting," Rodney points out.
"But there's no guarantee that you'll find the right woman if you can't find the right man," John counters.
"Maybe they have matchmaking groups in their church," Rodney suggests.
John snorts, but it gets stuck in his throat because he knows that it's probably true for a lot of people who choose to get chipped and there's nothing funny about that. It's really quite sad. "I wouldn't want that. If you need to compromise you might as well stay alone and just have friends. This isn't fair to your partner."
"What if both partners think it's okay to compromise," Rodney asks.
"Well, I suppose, that's between them then. But do you honestly think those people that get chipped tell their future husbands and wives that this is just a compromise?" Of course, maybe they don't see it as such. Maybe they really believe the chip is like a switch. The feelings are certainly there to an extent. He genuinely loved Nancy or thought he did.
"I would assume they don't see it as such," Rodney says.
"Yes," John agrees. "I don't know how I would feel if I had chosen the chip. Even if the person doing it feels love. I'm not sure I could live with my partner's feeling depending on a chip. I wonder how many don't even know about this. And if you do know, how can you never have doubts?" John is certain he would have them.
Rodney looks thoughtful for a moment, sipping on his beer. John tries to ignore the way his neck muscles move as he swallows. "You don't need to have a chip in a relationship to have doubts though," Rodney says.
John tears his eyes away from Rodney's neck and focuses on what he said. "Are you talking in general?" he asks carefully.
"If it weren't for special circumstances, Jennifer and I never would have gotten together," Rodney says. He's looking down at the stream.
John doesn't know what to say. He doesn't feel like it's in his place to ask. He hardly knows Rodney, even if it feels like they're friends. And he's not sure Jennifer would want her patients to know something so private about her.
"We were working in a pretty isolated lab out in Antarctica. There was an accident. We were the only survivors. We hung onto each other, which is understandable, I think. And I'm not saying I don't love her, but I'm very aware that in the 'real world', she wouldn't have put up with me the way she does now. She could do much better."
"Are you sure?" John has to ask. "Because from where I'm standing, she's really lucky." Then he realizes what he said and flushes. He looks away and takes a swig from his beer.
"You have no idea how hot you are, do you?" Rodney asks, sounding genuinely perplexed.
John frowns and turns to him. "What do you mean?"
"When you barged in into our apartment and then told your story..." Rodney stops himself and only shakes his head.
"Rodney?"
"God," Rodney says, turning to him. "You manage to be helpless and incredibly strong at the same time. And I was never attracted to either of those traits, but still..."
"You're attracted to me?" John asks, eyes widening.
"And you have no idea about this. If you'd gone to that club alone, you could have had...well, maybe not anyone you wanted, but you could have taken your pick, I'm sure."
"I only wanted you," John admits.
Rodney sighs. "You can't tell me that," he says. "This is probably just a Florence Nightingale thing. I was there in your hour of need. You've never been with a guy and now you think...well, I just happened to be there at the right time."
John sees his point. But at the same time, he has looked at different guys in the last two days and nobody made him feel like Rodney. And John doesn't think that offering him a glass of water and stroking his back when he threw up is enough to make him feel that way. Not what he felt in that moment with Rodney. "You love Jennifer," he says, to remind himself and because mutual attraction or not, that's what it comes down to.
"She's smart, pretty, funny, and understanding. What's not to love?" Rodney says.
John is very aware that that's not actually an answer to his question. "That's not necessarily how it works, though," he points out quietly.
Rodney gives him a look. John sees want in it. Rodney's eyes dip down to John's lips, before he looks away again. "I should probably head home. It's getting late. You have to get up early too, right?"
John nods. They make their way back to their cars, and John wants to say something, do something, but it's all so complicated and confusing and he has no right, so he only says. "Thanks for meeting me today."
"You're welcome," Rodney says.
"I suppose, I shouldn't call you again," John says regretfully.
"No," Rodney says. "My offer stands. If you need a friend..."
"A friend," John says. That but not more.
Rodney nods.
They go their respective ways. The next days John gets into a routine. He goes to work. He contacts a lawyer for his divorce, and he does visit his brother. They are shocked. Dave cannot believe his father did it. Charlie hugs John, having tears in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry," she says.
John holds her close, glad for her support. They ask where he lives, he says he needs to look into an apartment.
They ask what he'll do about his father and he says, he hasn't decided yet. He doesn't want to see him again until he gets a better feeling for his life.
He looks for a new apartment and he also meets Rodney regularly. They talk and hang out, pretending to become friends, but John feels drawn to him more and more. Rodney's smart and funny, refreshingly honest, unconsciously adorable, and so many other things that John loves about him.
They share a love for science fiction and comics, even if Rodney complains about the abuse of physics. John feels more and more that Rodney has to be wrong, that this doesn't have anything to do with how they met and everything to do with who they are.
He has another appointment with Jennifer and feels incredibly awkward around her, because she's being supportive and friendly, and he is falling in love with her boyfriend.
She transfers him over the a clinic and a brain surgeon. He meets him, and he also visits Nancy, who's pretending to take things in stride. John feels strangely as if his life with her happened years ago, when it's only been weeks. He misses Nancy sometimes, but he's not sure how comfortable seeing John is for her. She does still love him after all, so he doesn't press it.
John finds an apartment and invites Rodney to check it out. They have a beer and watch a scifi film together during which Rodney complains half the time about plot holes, the wisdom of high heels on space ships, and the stupidity of the characters, and John enjoys every second of it.
He leans close to Rodney, and laughs about his antics, and smiles at him, and wants nothing more than to kiss him. He's sure he only thought that last thing, but Rodney still swallows, then looks away.
"Please, don't look at me like that," he begs.
John looks away as well. "I can't help how I feel," he says. "And it has nothing to do with Florence Nightingale."
Rodney exhales loudly.
John knows they can't go on like this. "I think this whole just be friends thing is not going to work." He doesn't want to lose Rodney as a friend, because he's never really had a friend like Rodney, but sooner or later he's going to do something stupid and he can't do that to Jennifer-and Rodney.
Rodney however doesn't seem to agree. He turns to John, and looks so broken that John wants to pull him into his arms for a hug. Then Rodney leans forward and kisses him. John is shocked. Then instinct takes over and he kisses back and it's amazing, it's out of this world, it's all he ever wanted, and he can't even tell if it's better than it was with Nancy or anyone else, because he's not sure he can remember his own name.
Abruptly Rodney pulls away. They're both panting heavily.
"Don't go," John pleads. Rodney can't kiss him like that and end it there.
"I can't," Rodney says and gets up.
John gets up as well, "Rodney, please." He doesn't care if it will only be one time and if they'll betray Jennifer. He just needs to know what it's like.
"I'll be back," Rodney says and kisses him again.
"You?" John asks.
"I'll talk to Jennifer and be back," Rodney says.
He leaves and John waits in wonder. They might have a future. He might have love again in his life. Real one. And sex. He's trying to quell his nervousness and waits for Rodney. It feels like forever when he's back. Rodney doesn't look happy. Of course, he wouldn't. He had strong feelings for Jennifer. He'd thought he'd loved her and maybe he truly did.
John tries to be sensitive and just puts a hand on his arm, squeezing.
Rodney pulls him into his arms and kisses him. "The moment you walked into my life, angry and desperate, I wanted to be the one who made it all right with you. When you said you were looking for a future, I wanted it to be me. Always."
They kiss and move to the bed, and it's slow, but passionate. John doesn't quite know what he's doing, but Rodney's willing to show him and John knows that this is who he is and what he wants in his life, what his life was meant to be.
A week later, he takes Rodney to his father to finally confront him. He's since learned about John's realization and has tried to contact him, but John always refused to talk to him.
"You were wrong, Dad. You might have tried to help, and I believe that you did-it's the only thing that's keeping me from me putting you in jail-but you were wrong. You only prevented me from finding what I really want. And if you can't deal with it, that's your problem. This is who I am," he says and kisses Rodney. "I'm happy. Rodney's making me happy. Didn't you say that was all you wanted?"
His father is shocked. He's contrite about what he did, but John can see that seeing his son with another man is uncomfortable for him to say the least. He takes Rodney's hand. "Call me when you can accept me the way I am," John says and pulls Rodney away.
They get married in Canada, advocate for gay rights and live happily ever after.
Also, a few hours later I realized I was already forgetting the story, so I knew in a week or month or so I would forget it ever existed, which is again, not a good sign that the story is great. But I thought the beginning was interesting enough to keep at least for myself, not as a story but an idea to reread. So I wanted to make a quick outline. Which turned out to be nearly 9000 words. It actually has dialog now, lots and lots of dialog that's not so much dialog as expressing the feelings they have, no matter how realistic or appropriate.
Apart from the terrible story arc, dialog abuse, the whole premise is like a sermon against homophobia and about sexual orientation not being a choice (at least I hope that comes through, because I try to give the other side their say), which is another reason why I felt I couldn't rescue this fic. But if 9000 words just flow from my hands into the keyboard like this, there has got to be something to this story, and maybe some of you will enjoy it too.
Title: De-chipped
Author:
velocitygrass
Pairing: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, Rodney/Jennifer established, John/Nancy established, brief thought of John/OMC
Rating: R
Warnings/Content notes: ( skip) deals with homophobia, illegal fictional medical procedures performed on a child
Spoilers: The AU includes/relates to things established in canon up to 4x20.
Word count: ~9000
Summary: "The pills that I've been taking. Could they be inhibitors?" John asks. "Inhibitors for what?" Jennifer asks. "Being gay!" John shouts.
Note: See above. Parts are summarized (in particular the beginning). Also includes my personal canonical family for Dave, in this case his wife Charlie and a tiny cameo of a very young Susan.
De-chipped
John is a happy successful man. I pictured him in sunglasses, getting out of a sports car full of self-confidence and without a care in the world. He's happily married to Nancy, working for the family company. There's one minor mark on his perfect life. He has a heart-disease for which he has to take pills, but they keep him healthy, and he's had no limitations on his life so far. He visits his doctor, who's an old man and actually retired, only still seeing John. But now he's too old for that and tells John this is the last time. He should finally go see his successor.
John always hesitated to do that because he seemed too slick. Now it looks like he'll have to give it a shot or find someone else. At work, there's a minor incident with someone collecting money for charity. John tries to be understanding until he finds out it's for the anti-gay chip.
There's an operation that allows people to have straight feelings even if they're gay with the help of a chip. Combined with drugs-inhibitors-they can suppress gay feelings and "become" straight. John is against those operations. He thinks it should be okay to be gay and rather than allowing people to make them artificially straight, people should start accepting gays. He tells the woman who's been collecting for charity that there's nothing wrong with being gay and instead of collecting to "help" people who don't want to face (or have their kids face) homophobia she should start being accepting and not help them to be straight, but tell them "It's okay to be gay".
The operation is a hot button issue. In Canada it's only allowed in cases with extreme dysphoria. In the US it's only allowed for people fifteen or older and it can't be done without the teen's consent (i.e. parents can't order their kids to have it).
The woman mentions that Patrick supports the cause and John tells her that it's something they disagree on and that she's working in his department and in any case should be non-disruptive in such requests as anyone else.
When he comes home, Nancy informs him they're invited to their father's place for dinner. John's not happy but he goes. He mentions the incident and what he told her. His father says he knows how John feels about it, but he thinks it's a worthy cause. It's only trying to help people.
John tells him, that supporting the operation only prevents actual progress that would make the operations unnecessary. Patrick says that may be the case, but who knows how long that would take and that there'll always be people who find it unnatural. It's simply not a perfect world, and it's only an option and options are good aren't they.
"Not if they offer an easy way out that's also wrong!" John counters.
Dave and Charlie are also there, and everyone just watches them fight.
"Apparently it's not wrong for the people who choose it and are happy," Patrick says. "It's to make people happy. It's to make your kids happy. What is so wrong to want your children to be happy? I'm sure Dave agrees."
Dave looks like he really doesn't want to get into this fight. "She's not even a year old. Let's wait until she can talk and walk before thinking about that."
"Also," John adds, "I'd hope that when Dave thinks about Susan's future he hopes that she'll be smart and healthy and a good person and not whether she'll like boys or girls."
"And she'll know we'll love her even if she does turn out to like girls," Charlie added.
Dave doesn't look happy, and also kind of uncomfortable, but squeezes his wife's hand in support.
"And that's how it should be. If people would support their kids and actually love them the way they are, they wouldn't have to press them to have an operation done with consequences that are almost too big too grasp. Can they even know what they're missing? So many of the people doing this are so young they haven't even had a real relationship. How can they compare it?"
"There've been studies with people who've lived as gay for a long time," Patrick says.
"Unhappily probably. And why? Because people don't want to accept that it's normal to be gay," John says.
"There are also studies that put the effects of the operation into question," Charlie points out.
John looks at her. "Exactly," he says. "She's right. It's by no means scientifically clear that the artificial 'heterosexuality' is the same as genuine feelings. You don't even know what you're really taking away from those kids."
Patrick looks at him hard. "They're happy. I know it." Before John can ask how and why, he adds, "I've heard accounts of it."
"You've heard what you wanted to hear. And maybe they really think they're happier this way or at least as happy," John says.
They stop the discussion, but later John talks to Charlie, Dave, and Nancy.
"Thanks for your support earlier," John tells Charlie.
"I agree with you. This 'treatment' only prolongs how long it'll take until the disease goes away. The progress for equal rights has practically ground to a complete halt since they've come up with it. And I've actually heard people-openly gay people-being questioned on why they chose not to do it. That's just..."
"It's wrong plain and simple," John says.
Dave and Nancy don't say anything.
"You've been pretty quiet," John points out to his wife (not maliciously).
"You know how I feel. I agree that it stands in the way of actually solving this problem, but on the other hand, I imagine a mother being faced with her daughter who desperately, desperately wants to not have these feelings anymore. I'm not sure how easy it is to just say no, when you know that you're condemning your child to a life that's...well, harder than it needs to be."
"These kids want it, John," Dave adds. "Or the adults that did it. Maybe the world would be a better place without it, but if you absolutely cannot be happy being gay, why not make it easier for them to be straight? You know how many of those people lived their lives. Isn't this better than living a lie, at least?"
"Maybe for some people," John concedes. "But for teenagers there should always be the option to give them the support that they need. Nobody can force them, but what exactly do you expect from places where your parents, your school, and your priest tells you that something is wrong with you and you need to fix it? It just makes me sick to think of the lives these kids will lead as opposed to the real lives they could have had."
"Maybe it's as real as the real thing," Dave says. "Maybe it really makes it come down to a choice, and who can blame them for choosing what's easier."
"Should I hope that Susan will turn out to be straight?" John wonders.
"As Charlie said, we'll love her no matter what, and she'll know that. Plus, she'll have an uncle who'll make sure she knows what she might be missing."
"I'll take that as permission to talk to her should the moment come," John says.
"Do that," his brother says.
At home, Nancy tells him that if they have kids (she's working on her career so they're waiting), she'd support them in any way she can if they're gay and she'd fight for them. John says he knows and kisses her.
A few days later he gets a call from the slimy successor of his doc and bites the bullet and makes an appointment. The doc is nice, seems professional, but John still thinks he's too slick. So he asks him about his thoughts on the anti-gay operation. "Would you perform it?"
The doc seems for the first time a bit hesitant. "It is a legal procedure. So if it was deemed best for the patient-"
"And who deems what's best?"
"The patient along with the parents."
"So the parents decide what's best for their kid?"
"Don't you think that parents want what's best for their kid?"
"Sometimes I think they might want what's best for them. What would you do if you thought the parents influenced their son to take this step?"
The doc hesitates. "Well, I would talk to all involved," he eventually starts, but John has enough.
He shakes his head. "I understand. Goodbye. I don't think I'll be coming again. Thanks."
After this, John goes to visit Charlie and Susan. Susan's a little charmer, trying to kiss her uncle when he picks her up. "Yeah, you have everyone wrapped around your little finger, don't you?" he says.
He tells Charlie that he discussed the operation with his doc and it's all the same. He'll need a new doc. Charlie tells him about her doctor, who's great. She's a woman, but if John doesn't mind, he could go to her.
Jennifer Keller is friendly, but not overbearingly or fakely so, and she's very professional. She's also confused by John's prescription for his heart medication, because she doesn't find anything wrong with his heart.
"I've been diagnosed when I was still a kid. I even had an operation. And I've been taking these all my life," John says.
"Which worries me a bit. They're not toxic, but shouldn't be taken if not needed and I can't in good conscience let you take them. You're of course free to get another opinion, but my recommendation is to stop taking them. I cannot find anything in my examination that should indicate there is a problem with your heart and you said yourself you haven't had any symptoms at all since you were a kid."
So John agrees and stops taking the pills. On the first day he half expects for his heart to act up, but it doesn't happen, so he wonders if Keller might be right. He also wonders what his old doc was thinking, but they're in a big project at work and John kind of forgets. It's a bit later that they're in a meeting or something and bring in someone from another department: a really hot guy comes in and John doesn't just acknowledge that he's attractive in an objective kind of way, but instead thinks that he's really fuckable and has a flash on thinking about fucking him.
He's shocked by the thought. He's never had thoughts about guys in that way. He's nearly forty, which is a bit too late to suddenly turn bisexual out of nowhere. Then he remembers that he recently stopped taking the pills. The pills that he took since he was a teenager. The pills that he started taking at his father's request when his mother turned ill. He even asked John not to tell her about it, because they didn't want to upset her with John's "heart disease".
John can't believe it, doesn't want to believe it. He storms off and goes to Keller's practice. He needs to make sure that he's not wrong. It's so unthinkable that he really, really hopes he's wrong, that it was just a freak coincidence that he found this particular guy hot.
Keller is not in the office, but she's living in the same house and John storms off to find her against the assistant's protests.
"Dr. Keller?" he shouts.
A man comes out of a room. "What is going on here? What are you doing here? Which part of private don't you get?" the guy demands.
"I need to see Dr. Keller."
"You need to accept that this is her private apartment. If you need a doctor-which you don't really look like you do, I might add-you should go to an emergency room."
Jennifer comes in. "John? What's going on?"
"The pills that I've been taking. Could they be inhibitors?" John asks.
"Inhibitors for what?" Jennifer asks.
"Being gay!" John shouts. He still can't even grasp that his whole sexual identity might have been taken from him without his consent or even knowledge.
Jennifer looks surprised and the guy, who's looked pretty pissed off at the intrusion, also looks shocked.
Jennifer composes herself. "Where did you get those pills. Can you give me your prescription? The one you actually took to the apothecary the last time."
"I never got them myself. My father had it arranged that I always had them sent to me. I have a prescription somewhere for emergencies, but I never needed it. And you said...you said it's not toxic, right? So if my father...if my father lied to me and these are inhibitors, even if I had forgotten them on a trip and gotten the real heart pills it wouldn't have been life threatening to me, right?" He needs to ask, because he doesn't even want to contemplate that his father is so obsessed with his son being straight that he even would have risked him taken a pill that is dangerous for him.
"Yes, it would have been fine, but what you're suggesting...do you still have the pills?" she asks.
"Yes. I have a few in my car." He goes and gets them, then hands them to Keller.
"The label and form is okay, but it could be fake of course. I can have these checked but it will take a moment. Let me get your file. I want to make sure that we're not missing something here."
She leaves John alone with the guy. John doesn't feel as shocked anymore and kind of realizes how he stormed in before. "I'm sorry for barging in here like that. I hope you'll understand why I needed to see your wife immediately."
"We're not married, but yes, I can see that. You...you think that your father gave you inhibitors under the pretense of giving you pills against an imaginary heart disease."
"That's my suspicion yes. Your wi- girlfriend?" he asks and the guy nods, "she told me I didn't need the pills and that I should stop taking them. So I did and today I...well, there was a guy and I had a, uhm, pretty graphic thought about..."
"Sex?" the guy says.
"Yes. And I've never had that before. I couldn't believe why this would come out of nowhere when I realized that it didn't have to be nowhere. I've been taking these pills since I was eleven. Until last week."
"And you've been having feelings for women?" the guy asks.
"I'm married," John says automatically, suddenly thinking about Nancy. Can that have been fake? But the pills wouldn't change that. They could only suppress his gay feelings.
"Then you're bisexual apparently. Must be lucky for your father. I wonder what he would have done if you'd been gay. Pills are one thing, but hiding a brain operation for a heart disease-" the guy stops, looking at John with worry.
John feels awful. He's had an operation after his mother's death. For his heart. He never understood why they needed to shave his head too. He just trusted them. John feels sick. "Bathroom?" he manages to ask.
The guy shows him and John rushes there and throws up. The guy is there with a glass of water and a towel and rubs John's back and John looks at him, grateful, and there's a moment where their eyes meet and John feels something stir in him. It's not like the purely superficial moment of imagining a guy or woman naked for a second, it's something deeper. It's like he could get lost in those blue eyes.
In a way, it's even more shocking than the moment of imaginary sex. He can fall in love with a guy, a guy like this guy. And every relationship he ever had, his marriage might be the result of an artificial chip in his head.
They go back to the living room. Jennifer comes in. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Just needed to throw up. I think my father implanted a chip as well. I told you about the operation I had. They also shaved my head and did something there. They explained it somehow, I didn't care, they were my doctors; I had no reason not to trust them."
"That would be illegal!" the guy says, outraged. "Not that the inhibitors wouldn't be, but an illegal operation like this is"-he deflates-"sadly, only too imaginable. I'm so sorry."
"We don't know this for sure, yet," Jennifer interrupts.
"Doc, can you think of any reason why you'd operate on the head for the kind of heart disease I was supposed to have?" John asks.
She hesitates. "No, but we should still make sure. Let me do a scan."
They do and as John knew, there's a chip. He doesn't even know what to say. There's no way he can even fully understand the implications on his life, past, present, and future.
"I have patients coming in, but I'll tell them something's come up."
"No, it's okay. I've imposed long enough."
"John, this is serious and you're not imposing."
"Still, there's nothing you can do at the moment, is there?" John asks.
"Maybe not directly, but I wouldn't feel comfortable just sending you on your way. Let's go back into my apartment and we can talk. It doesn't even have to be about this."
"I'm fine," John insists. She gives him a look. "Okay, I don't know how I am, but there's no point in you sending people away."
"Where will you go?" she asks.
John realizes he doesn't know. He doesn't think he can face Nancy, and he's not yet ready to confront his father.
Jennifer picks up the phone and calls. "I'd like John to stay with us this afternoon," she says, then nods, "Okay, we'll come over."
John follows her, but protests again. "At least, take the people that are already here," he says.
"I can stay with him," Keller's boyfriend says. He seems more friendly now. John again has this weird feeling when he sees him.
"Is that okay with you?" she asks John.
"Yes, please. I'll be fine with..."
"Rodney," the guy says.
"Rodney. I'm not sure I want to talk about this anyway. You take care of your patients like always and we'll just..."
"Talk about baseball or whatever it is he'll use as a distraction," Rodney throws in.
Keller gives him a doubtful look.
"What? As long as he doesn't expect me to listen, I'll be fine. Now shoo," Rodney tells her.
John can't help himself and laughs. Keller leaves them. "If you need anything let me know."
Once she's gone, Rodney goes and gets out some whiskey. "You look like you could need this," he says.
"God, yes." John drinks the glass all at once.
Rodney pours some more. "Just maybe take this a bit slower."
John smiles at him. "I will," he says only holding the glass. "I still don't know what to think. At first I was so angry and now it's like it's just empty inside of me."
"You have a chip, then?" Rodney asks, taking a sip from his own glass.
"Of course," John says. "My father doesn't do things by half."
"How old were you when you got it?"
"Twelve. After my mother died. I don't think she'd have let him do that to me."
"I'm sorry."
"So am I," John says, taking a sip. "My whole life...my father isn't a bad man. He works hard, always made sure that we had the best opportunities, but didn't spoil us rotten either. He wasn't there as often as I would have liked, but he didn't neglect us. He loved us." Then suddenly it occurs to him that Dave doesn't take any pills.
"What?" Rodney asks.
"My brother. He hasn't done it to him," John says.
"Maybe he showed early signs of heterosexuality. Or maybe there was something," Rodney hesitates. "Sometimes it's minor things that make people perceive someone as gay, even kids. Even if it's ridiculous."
"I never thought about guys that way. I was too young. I do remember my father telling me to act like a man. And he caught me kissing my Batman action figure once and told me that boys didn't do that." John is lost in a memory for a moment.
"I also had a crush on Batman as a kid," Rodney confesses.
John blinks. "And look how you turned out. I just goes to show that it doesn't have to mean anything what kids do."
"Well, yes. I agree, though I am bisexual," Rodney says.
John gets that weird feeling in his stomach again, but ignores it. It doesn't matter. Not only is this his doctor's boyfriend, but Rodney's sexuality isn't the point right now. It is about John's sexuality and his father's assumptions about it. "I can't believe he saw that and decided to just...take that choice away from me. Not that it's a choice. It shouldn't be. This is one of the few things my father and I disagree on. He thinks the operations help people. I guess that's what he thought he was doing. To a kid."
"Who might not even have turned out gay. You could be bisexual."
John looks up at that. A small amount of hope blossoms in him. "Maybe the chip isn't needed. Maybe what I feel for my wife- How quick can we switch this off?"
"Uhm, I'm sorry, I-" Rodney says.
"Do you think we can disturb her for a moment?" John asks.
"It should be a quick answer. Let's check with Grace."
They ask her and call Jennifer out, who tells them, "We'll have to schedule an operation for this. It's brain surgery. We'll need to have preliminary checks and actually, well, maybe you want to sleep over it."
John is kind of shocked by the implication that he might want to keep the fake feelings.
"Listen, I just need to finish-"
"No, it's okay. Thanks for the info. I just wanted a time frame," he says, then forces a smile.
They head back.
"For the record. I don't think you should be required to wait until you get rid of the thing. It's barbaric that they even allow it. I'm glad that it wasn't even an option at home." At John's look, he adds, "I'm from Canada."
John nods. He wonders if it would have mattered to his father if they were in Canada. Probably not.
"Need another drink?" Rodney asks.
"Still have some," John points at the glass he left. "I shouldn't get drunk. I need to..." He trails off. He needs to go home, if he still has a home. It's always felt like Nancy's house more than his. He still doesn't know how to face her.
"There might be a way to switch it off," Rodney suggests. John looks up. "The chip," Rodney clarifies. "I'd have to check with Jennifer, but an electromagnetic shock will kill just about any device. They'd still have to remove it, but at least you'd know what it did or didn't do in the mean time."
"How could you administer such a shock?" John asks.
"It should be possible to do it in my lab."
They go ahead and ask Jennifer after her patient is gone. "Don't you want to sleep over this?" she asks John.
"What is the option here? To keep lying to everyone, including myself and my wife? This was done to me against my will."
"I know, and what happened is not only illegal, but unforgivable, but many people do perform this operation voluntarily with no ill-effects. You're happy, aren't you?"
"Would it be okay for you to be loved only because of a chip? If the only thing that made Rodney want to be with you was a little device in his brain, wouldn't that bother you?" he asks her.
"Okay," she says. "It should be safe. And if for some reason you want it back we can replace the device instead of removing it."
They go to Rodney's lab and Rodney clears it for them.
"Thank you for doing this. You don't even know me," John says.
"This was done to you, and I can help. I wish I could do more," Rodney says.
John gets in. He takes a moment. He thinks about Nancy, about the feelings she evokes in him. He loves her, but it's not enough for him to hang on to it if it's not real. Maybe it is. Maybe he's bisexual like Rodney, and his father did this for nothing. He asks Rodney to go ahead.
The chip is fried, and when John thinks about Nancy, he feels great affection and he remembers feeling more-desire, lust-but that's gone now. He slumps down and sits right there in the contraption. Rodney sits down next to him and puts his hand around his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he says.
John twitches at the close contact. Rodney pulls his arm away again. "Sorry, I didn't..."
"It's just...I'm not...I'm not even sure who I am anymore." And he kind of misses Rodney's arm around him, but there are different implications about that as well now. He looks over at Rodney, at his big compassionate eyes that don't seem to hide a thing. In that moment, John knows he feels more for Rodney than his own wife and that's so wrong he cannot wrap his mind around it. This will break Nancy's heart. And he still can't believe how his father could do this to him.
John looks away, jaw clenching. "What do you think the odds were of me finding this out?"
Rodney thinks for a moment. "Hard to say. If you're otherwise healthy and he was able to keep your doctor quiet, there's no reason you ever would have found out. Or not until a lot later. You're father's still alive, right?"
"Yes, he is," John says. He'll have to face him again, and right now he's not sure if he wants to have him put in jail or just shout at him or be calm and collected and confront him with the simple truth that what his father did, did not help John but only served to hurt him-and his wife, whom his father adores.
"I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse," Rodney says.
"I'm glad he is. He needs to see what this did to me and that it wasn't okay, no matter how well-intentioned he was."
Rodney nods. "The road to hell and all that. Do you think we can leave? I don't want to pressure you or anything, but we were actually using this lab for something."
"Of course," John says, and quickly gets up. He holds up his hand, and Rodney takes it. John pulls him up. He gets this feeling again. He wonders if he's just so overwhelmed by his newfound feelings that he latches on to the first guy he meets or if it's more. But again, he dismisses the thought, because Rodney's in a relationship and more importantly, so is John, even if he'll have to change that.
He realizes he's still holding Rodney's hand and lets go.
They make their way outside. "Are you okay?" Rodney asks.
"I don't have the urge to wrap my car around the next tree. Or to go ahead and kill my father. Beyond that I can't say, but that seems to be the most important. I'm...I'll talk to my wife. No matter how many people live like this, I don't think I can. And I'm not sure she'd want to."
Rodney nods. "If you need someone to talk or to get drunk with or to pick you up anywhere anytime, call me," he says, handing him his card.
"I'll keep that in mind when I feel like shit at 2 am," John says with a grin.
But Rodney stays serious. "I mean it. I can't even imagine finding out what you did today. Finding out I was bisexual was relatively easy for me. My parents cared more about other things and we're not religious. But I still know it's a process. What your father did is deplorable, not just because of what he took from you, but because of what it implies about his feelings for you. That is was more important to him that you be straight than that you be yourself."
"I honestly believe he only wanted the best for me. I have to."
"Which doesn't make it right."
"No, it doesn't," John concedes. "And I will let him know. Just not today."
Rodney nods. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call."
"I will. Thank you. For everything."
Rodney nods and gets in his car. So does John. He drives home, which doesn't feel like home anymore and starts packing a few things. When Nancy comes home, he tells her they need to talk.
She is worried.
"A few days ago, I went to a new doctor. She said I didn't need these pills because there's nothing wrong with my heart."
Nancy is confused. "You've got it since you were a kid."
"That's what I thought. It was all a lie. These aren't for my heart," he says lifting a little bottle with pills. "They're inhibitors. And they go along with the chip in my head that I didn't know I had."
Nancy gasps.
"I guess Dad is really serious about 'helping' his kids."
"Are you sure?" Nancy asks. "I can't believe he'd be capable of doing that."
"Remember last week? You know how he thinks about this."
"Supporting the procedure isn't the same as doing it to a kid against their will," she shouts. "John, I don't know-" Suddenly she takes a step back. "You're gay," she says, as if only just realizing the implications for their relationship.
"As of two hours ago, yes," John says.
Nancy starts breathing hard and he goes to her and puts his hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?" He does still love her. The respect and affection he feels for her didn't go away.
She looks at him, tears in her eyes. "How could he do this?" 'To us' is implied.
"I don't know," John says and pulls her in his arms.
They have dinner together and John explains how he found out.
"So you're moving out?" Nancy asks.
"Would you want me to stay?" John asks. And maybe there's more to the question. Would she want him to get chipped again for the sake of their marriage?
She thinks about it. "I wish you could but I understand that you can't," she says. "And I don't want you to..."
"I understand," he says. "I'd hoped that the chip was unnecessary. That I was bisexual, not gay."
"But it's not our choice," she acknowledges, and John loves her for it, for not pretending like so many parts of society that it is a choice.
John leaves and goes to a hotel. Last night he went to bed with Nancy and all was right in his world. Today everything has changed. He's not the person he thought he was. He can't help wondering what would have been different if his father hadn't taken the easy cowardly path. John likes to believe he would have stayed strong as a teen and not given in. But he can't be sure, of course. Maybe if he'd been faced with the decision and the consequences it wouldn't have been as simple for him to dismiss the choice as wrong.
But the fact is, his father never gave him the choice, and as it is now, he knows that it was wrong and not for him, and his only choice is to live true to himself, even if he cannot imagine his life right now.
He wonders idly about dating guys now, having sex with guys, and as he falls asleep he remembers Rodney's expressive blue eyes.
He goes to work the next day, trying to make up for just up and leaving the day before. He gives his secretary the address of the hotel. When he comes back to the hotel he once again needs to face the state of limbo he's in now. He still doesn't feel ready for his confrontation with his father. Finalizing his divorce doesn't need to be done right this second, and he doesn't really know what to do with himself.
He considers visiting his brother's family. He knows Charlie will be supportive. He hopes Dave would be too. But it's too close to his father. He doesn't know if Nancy called any of them, but right now he'd like to believe that's all still ahead of him and he doesn't have to deal with it right now. But he can't just stay in his hotel room alone either.
He could go into a gay bar. See what he's been missing, though he's not kidding himself into thinking it will be that easy. Plus he isn't even sure yet if he'll be the kind of guy that goes into gay bars. He wasn't really into quick hook-ups with women when he thought he was straight. It's all so strange and confusing, and eventually, he thinks about Rodney's offer and calls him and tells him he wanted to head to a club.
They meet there and it's not all that different from a normal bar, except with more guys-and also guys dancing together.
"So, ready to begin your new life?" Rodney asks.
"Ready to find out what it might be like," John says ruefully. "And what I want."
"You're not a different person. I'd expect you still want the same things as before."
"That's going to be tough. I'll not be allowed to get married and kids will be difficult too."
Rodney looks at him. "You don't have any kids, do you?"
"No," John says. He's not sure if he should be happy about that or not, given the circumstances.
"I still hope things will eventually change here," Rodney says. "And you can have still have kids if that's what you want to."
"I'm not even sure. I just always thought kids would be part of my life. I thought I'd live the life that my father lived, that my brother lives."
"You can still have it. Maybe not exactly like that, but no two relationships are ever exactly the same."
John thinks about Rodney and Jennifer. He wonders about them, about their history, and what made them them as a couple. Though he's not sure he wants to know. For a second he wonders what would have been if Rodney were free. "I think I'm going to start with a drink," John says.
They get drinks and sit down in an alcove. John watches guys and Rodney asks him how it's different. "If you want to talk about it, of course. I realize it's personal, I'm just a bit curious."
"It's not different for everyone. Even when I wasn't gay, I could still recognize physical attractiveness. And I can still say if a woman is beautiful or not. I just don't respond to women in certain ways anymore." John thinks about Nancy for a moment. How breathtaking she could be to him. "And I don't find every guy hot," John continues.
"Well, it's not like a man has to find every woman hot, why should gay guys do?"
"I don't find every attractive guy hot either. I guess, yes, it's like it used to be with women."
"So you think the chip did a good job?" Rodney asks.
John wonders about that. He doesn't feel all that different about looking at a crowd of guys than he did about a crowd of women. "Let me get back to you on that once I have a relationship."
Rodney nods, but there's something in his face that John can't read.
The strange thing is that for all the guys in the club, some of them not bad-looking, the one person that he could imagine wanting to get to know better is Rodney.
"Do you want to ask someone to dance?" Rodney asks him, sounding a bit awkward. "Because the way we're sitting here, people might get the idea that you're taken."
"I don't know," John says. "I'm not sure this was such a good idea. I don't think I'm ready to jump into this. I just didn't want to be alone today."
Rodney nods. "We can go somewhere else." They leave and outside Rodney asks, "Where to?"
"There is...there is a place I used to go to as a teenager, after my mother died..."
"Not a bar then?" Rodney asks.
John snorts. "No. Though we could buy a six-pack and take it there. I did that when I was a bit older sometimes."
They do that and drive to the woods near his parent's house, walking until they get to small cliff with a stream running below.
"You want us to sit down here, where God knows what is crawling around?" Rodney asks.
John grins and removes his jacket, so that Rodney can sit on it.
"That's not necessary," Rodney says, squirming. "But since you offered."
John laughs.
"You can sit down on it as well. It's large enough since you're ready to ruin it."
They sit down, feet dangling over the cliff, thighs touching. John gets that feeling again and wonders if this was a good idea. He's never shown this place to anyone. It used to be his personal hiding place when his mother got sick and as he grew older, he didn't go as often anymore. "It's been a long time since I've been here," he says. "I think I would have come here more often if my father hadn't chipped me."
"It's your brooding place, huh?" Rodney guesses.
John only nods and opens two bottles. He hands one to Rodney.
"We shouldn't get drunk though. Or we'll need to call Jennifer to pick us up."
"She wouldn't mind?" John asks.
"I'm not in the habit of doing it. She'd be a good sport about it if I'm responsible. It's just a beer with a friend," he says, but averts his gaze and John wonders what Rodney sees in him.
"We've only known each other for two days," he points out.
"Well, I didn't literally mean that we're friends now. Although I- Nevermind. What I meant was that we're not doing...anything objectionable." Rodney gives John a sidelong glace and then turns away again and this time John is sure that there's something there.
"Is it a problem for Jennifer that you're bisexual?" he asks.
"Why should it be?" Rodney asks.
"I don't know. I think it would be a problem for some women," John says.
"Only if they think that being bisexual means that you're just afraid to admit you're gay, or that being bisexual somehow means that unlike straight people you can't be faithful. Which is both untrue," Rodney says. "At least in my case. I suppose there are guys who do both."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to be stereotypical or anything. I never thought that about bisexuals," John says.
"I believe you. There aren't many heterosexuals who are as vocal about their support for gays as you seemed to be. You said, you'd fought with your father about the chip before."
"I did, but then I was never straight. Not really. Although, yes, I don't think you need to be gay or bisexual to see that it's wrong. My sister-in-law thinks like I do and as far as I know she's straight."
"No, I know. Jennifer's not a friend of the procedure either, but she's done it," Rodney says.
"She has?" John says. He's a bit surprised about that. Jennifer seemed genuinely appalled by what his father had done. Which she probably was. What his father did was a far cry from allowing a desperate teenager to do it.
"Yes, but she's asking people to wait until they're adults. She encourages them to try to live with this. Some go to a different doctor. Some come around. And some decide that they don't want to live that life. Even if it's not as good as the real thing."
"I can't understand that. I have to admit I don't really know what it's like to be an openly gay man, but I really hope it isn't so bad that you'd rather live a false life than face reality."
"If your real life sucks, a false better life might seem inviting," Rodney points out.
"But there's no guarantee that you'll find the right woman if you can't find the right man," John counters.
"Maybe they have matchmaking groups in their church," Rodney suggests.
John snorts, but it gets stuck in his throat because he knows that it's probably true for a lot of people who choose to get chipped and there's nothing funny about that. It's really quite sad. "I wouldn't want that. If you need to compromise you might as well stay alone and just have friends. This isn't fair to your partner."
"What if both partners think it's okay to compromise," Rodney asks.
"Well, I suppose, that's between them then. But do you honestly think those people that get chipped tell their future husbands and wives that this is just a compromise?" Of course, maybe they don't see it as such. Maybe they really believe the chip is like a switch. The feelings are certainly there to an extent. He genuinely loved Nancy or thought he did.
"I would assume they don't see it as such," Rodney says.
"Yes," John agrees. "I don't know how I would feel if I had chosen the chip. Even if the person doing it feels love. I'm not sure I could live with my partner's feeling depending on a chip. I wonder how many don't even know about this. And if you do know, how can you never have doubts?" John is certain he would have them.
Rodney looks thoughtful for a moment, sipping on his beer. John tries to ignore the way his neck muscles move as he swallows. "You don't need to have a chip in a relationship to have doubts though," Rodney says.
John tears his eyes away from Rodney's neck and focuses on what he said. "Are you talking in general?" he asks carefully.
"If it weren't for special circumstances, Jennifer and I never would have gotten together," Rodney says. He's looking down at the stream.
John doesn't know what to say. He doesn't feel like it's in his place to ask. He hardly knows Rodney, even if it feels like they're friends. And he's not sure Jennifer would want her patients to know something so private about her.
"We were working in a pretty isolated lab out in Antarctica. There was an accident. We were the only survivors. We hung onto each other, which is understandable, I think. And I'm not saying I don't love her, but I'm very aware that in the 'real world', she wouldn't have put up with me the way she does now. She could do much better."
"Are you sure?" John has to ask. "Because from where I'm standing, she's really lucky." Then he realizes what he said and flushes. He looks away and takes a swig from his beer.
"You have no idea how hot you are, do you?" Rodney asks, sounding genuinely perplexed.
John frowns and turns to him. "What do you mean?"
"When you barged in into our apartment and then told your story..." Rodney stops himself and only shakes his head.
"Rodney?"
"God," Rodney says, turning to him. "You manage to be helpless and incredibly strong at the same time. And I was never attracted to either of those traits, but still..."
"You're attracted to me?" John asks, eyes widening.
"And you have no idea about this. If you'd gone to that club alone, you could have had...well, maybe not anyone you wanted, but you could have taken your pick, I'm sure."
"I only wanted you," John admits.
Rodney sighs. "You can't tell me that," he says. "This is probably just a Florence Nightingale thing. I was there in your hour of need. You've never been with a guy and now you think...well, I just happened to be there at the right time."
John sees his point. But at the same time, he has looked at different guys in the last two days and nobody made him feel like Rodney. And John doesn't think that offering him a glass of water and stroking his back when he threw up is enough to make him feel that way. Not what he felt in that moment with Rodney. "You love Jennifer," he says, to remind himself and because mutual attraction or not, that's what it comes down to.
"She's smart, pretty, funny, and understanding. What's not to love?" Rodney says.
John is very aware that that's not actually an answer to his question. "That's not necessarily how it works, though," he points out quietly.
Rodney gives him a look. John sees want in it. Rodney's eyes dip down to John's lips, before he looks away again. "I should probably head home. It's getting late. You have to get up early too, right?"
John nods. They make their way back to their cars, and John wants to say something, do something, but it's all so complicated and confusing and he has no right, so he only says. "Thanks for meeting me today."
"You're welcome," Rodney says.
"I suppose, I shouldn't call you again," John says regretfully.
"No," Rodney says. "My offer stands. If you need a friend..."
"A friend," John says. That but not more.
Rodney nods.
They go their respective ways. The next days John gets into a routine. He goes to work. He contacts a lawyer for his divorce, and he does visit his brother. They are shocked. Dave cannot believe his father did it. Charlie hugs John, having tears in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry," she says.
John holds her close, glad for her support. They ask where he lives, he says he needs to look into an apartment.
They ask what he'll do about his father and he says, he hasn't decided yet. He doesn't want to see him again until he gets a better feeling for his life.
He looks for a new apartment and he also meets Rodney regularly. They talk and hang out, pretending to become friends, but John feels drawn to him more and more. Rodney's smart and funny, refreshingly honest, unconsciously adorable, and so many other things that John loves about him.
They share a love for science fiction and comics, even if Rodney complains about the abuse of physics. John feels more and more that Rodney has to be wrong, that this doesn't have anything to do with how they met and everything to do with who they are.
He has another appointment with Jennifer and feels incredibly awkward around her, because she's being supportive and friendly, and he is falling in love with her boyfriend.
She transfers him over the a clinic and a brain surgeon. He meets him, and he also visits Nancy, who's pretending to take things in stride. John feels strangely as if his life with her happened years ago, when it's only been weeks. He misses Nancy sometimes, but he's not sure how comfortable seeing John is for her. She does still love him after all, so he doesn't press it.
John finds an apartment and invites Rodney to check it out. They have a beer and watch a scifi film together during which Rodney complains half the time about plot holes, the wisdom of high heels on space ships, and the stupidity of the characters, and John enjoys every second of it.
He leans close to Rodney, and laughs about his antics, and smiles at him, and wants nothing more than to kiss him. He's sure he only thought that last thing, but Rodney still swallows, then looks away.
"Please, don't look at me like that," he begs.
John looks away as well. "I can't help how I feel," he says. "And it has nothing to do with Florence Nightingale."
Rodney exhales loudly.
John knows they can't go on like this. "I think this whole just be friends thing is not going to work." He doesn't want to lose Rodney as a friend, because he's never really had a friend like Rodney, but sooner or later he's going to do something stupid and he can't do that to Jennifer-and Rodney.
Rodney however doesn't seem to agree. He turns to John, and looks so broken that John wants to pull him into his arms for a hug. Then Rodney leans forward and kisses him. John is shocked. Then instinct takes over and he kisses back and it's amazing, it's out of this world, it's all he ever wanted, and he can't even tell if it's better than it was with Nancy or anyone else, because he's not sure he can remember his own name.
Abruptly Rodney pulls away. They're both panting heavily.
"Don't go," John pleads. Rodney can't kiss him like that and end it there.
"I can't," Rodney says and gets up.
John gets up as well, "Rodney, please." He doesn't care if it will only be one time and if they'll betray Jennifer. He just needs to know what it's like.
"I'll be back," Rodney says and kisses him again.
"You?" John asks.
"I'll talk to Jennifer and be back," Rodney says.
He leaves and John waits in wonder. They might have a future. He might have love again in his life. Real one. And sex. He's trying to quell his nervousness and waits for Rodney. It feels like forever when he's back. Rodney doesn't look happy. Of course, he wouldn't. He had strong feelings for Jennifer. He'd thought he'd loved her and maybe he truly did.
John tries to be sensitive and just puts a hand on his arm, squeezing.
Rodney pulls him into his arms and kisses him. "The moment you walked into my life, angry and desperate, I wanted to be the one who made it all right with you. When you said you were looking for a future, I wanted it to be me. Always."
They kiss and move to the bed, and it's slow, but passionate. John doesn't quite know what he's doing, but Rodney's willing to show him and John knows that this is who he is and what he wants in his life, what his life was meant to be.
A week later, he takes Rodney to his father to finally confront him. He's since learned about John's realization and has tried to contact him, but John always refused to talk to him.
"You were wrong, Dad. You might have tried to help, and I believe that you did-it's the only thing that's keeping me from me putting you in jail-but you were wrong. You only prevented me from finding what I really want. And if you can't deal with it, that's your problem. This is who I am," he says and kisses Rodney. "I'm happy. Rodney's making me happy. Didn't you say that was all you wanted?"
His father is shocked. He's contrite about what he did, but John can see that seeing his son with another man is uncomfortable for him to say the least. He takes Rodney's hand. "Call me when you can accept me the way I am," John says and pulls Rodney away.
They get married in Canada, advocate for gay rights and live happily ever after.