SGA Fic: Chance. John/Rodney. PG-13.
Title: Chance
Author: velocitygrass
Pairing: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for brief OFC nudity and some crudeness on Rodney's part
Spoilers: up to Brain Storm
Word count: 3365
Summary: "I can't believe you didn't want to have sex with her," Rodney said, looking as if the world had stopped making sense.
Note: Written for the undermistletoe prompt "Someone shows up naked on a doorstep." Many thanks to neevebrody for the beta!
Chance
"Riiight. I don't think so," Rodney said, looking around the small room in disgust.
"You heard what she said," John said.
"And I don't care. I'm not sharing this room and this 'bed' with Ronon and Teyla while you live it up in your suite. Actually, I think you and Ronon should stay here. You're both soldiers. You should be conditioned to the utter lack of any physical comfort."
"You wanna go with Teyla?" Ronon asked.
"I'm just saying, we're four people with two rooms. Just because our hosts think being team leader makes Sheppard a worthier person, doesn't mean we have to lose all common sense as well. And I don't think my back would appreciate lying on this all night," Rodney said, jerking his head towards the mattress on the ground.
Ronon smiled threateningly. Rodney glared at him, while Teyla rolled her eyes. "I think Rodney's right," she said.
"Thank you," Rodney said, smiling widely.
"However," she continued, "I don't think Colonel Sheppard should sleep here. They do seem to put a special emphasis on authority and rank and they might question his authority if he stays here."
"And we don't want that," John added. "Will you two be okay?" he asked Teyla and Ronon.
"We will be fine," Teyla said with a short smile.
Ronon just started kicking off his boots, grinning as he nearly hit Rodney.
"Hey!" Rodney protested, jumping out of the way.
"McKay, you're with me," John said, turning around.
~~
"Son of a- You could easily fit a Stargate into this. Hell, you might be able to squeeze the whole gateroom in," Rodney said, looking around at the huge four poster bed, the lush carpet, high windows, mirror, antique cupboards and the cozy fireplace with the bear rug, or rather some kind of animal that probably hadn't been a bear. He put down his gear and walked to the fire. "If this is how they host their guests, I want to know how Pareyu lives."
John wasn't as impressed. "Maybe they're just showing off."
Rodney gave him a look. "Well, if they are, they're doing a very good job."
There was a knock on the door.
Rodney turned to John. "Just so we clear, nothing will keep me from sleeping here tonight. There's no way I'm swapping places, though I suppose Teyla and Ronon could just drag their mattress in here. Or sleep on the rug and one of those," he said, pointing at the pile of comforters on the bed. He went to the door and opened it while John set down his P-90.
The bedding on the bed was indeed numerous. John started peeling of the first layer. He heard that it wasn't Teyla or Ronon, but Leya, the daughter of the chancellor and source of dinner discussion as Rodney wondered aloud how she would look in a gold bikini. John didn't look up and started on the second layer. He thought of The Princess and the Pea and grinned as he pictured Rodney complaining about a restless night. Then he realized that Rodney was in fact not complaining-or talking at all. Leya wasn't speaking anymore either.
He looked up and Rodney was standing at the doorway, one hand on the door.
"Rodney?" John asked, worry edging into his voice. It was never a good sign when Rodney became silent on missions.
When Rodney still didn't speak, John quickly went around the bed towards the door. "Oh," he said, as Leya came into his view, smiling and wearing decidedly less than a gold bikini. Precisely she was naked.
"John," she said happily, shooting Rodney a confused side-glance. "I was hoping to find you here. Alone."
John stared at her and let his gaze wander down her soft-looking skin. "Yeah, I... I mean, no, I'm not alone," he said, eyes on her breasts, because... well, they were there and naked.
"Oh," she said, clearly disappointed.
John forced himself to look up at her face. He smiled apologetically.
"I didn't know that you already had a companion for the night," she said, looking sadly at Rodney.
John waited for Rodney to splutter and protest that he was no one's companion. But there was still only silence and when John looked at Rodney, Rodney just stared at Leya.
"Yeah, sorry. Thanks for the offer though. It's much appreciated," John said with a smile, pulling Rodney away from the door by the back of his uniform jacket and closing the door. Rodney was still silent, mouth slightly open, and John was beginning to seriously worry when he blinked and turned to John.
"I just... Is this what it's like to be you? I mean other people try their best not to screw up a relationship and then do it anyway and you just... exist and people throw themselves at you? Is that it?"
"Rodney," John said in a calming voice.
"No, seriously. How often do women show up naked on your doorstep?" Rodney asked accusingly.
"Every day, McKay. They're standing in line on Atlantis every night, you just never noticed," John said sarcastically.
Rodney huffed. "Well, you seemed to take it pretty cool, for someone who's never seen something like that." There was a pout on his skewed lips.
John found it entirely too adorable for his own good. "I didn't say it never happened," he said, turning back towards the bed.
"Seriously?" Rodney asked, and it sounded pained.
John began to peel off the next layer of comforters from the bed. "Not exactly. She was wearing a coat or something, but nothing else. You remember the second medieval Atlantis that gave us the jumpers?"
"Yes," Rodney said and John didn't have to look up to see that he was pissed.
"She only wanted me for my genes, you know," John said, hoping it would make Rodney feel better.
"And Leya?" Rodney asked.
"Well, you know how much they value authority and as a leader of-"
"Oh, just stop it," Rodney said exasperated.
John looked up to see him grab two of the comforters and throw them down in front of the fire. He got out of his jacket and boots, folded one comforter up and leaned against it.
"If you want to sleep in front of the fire, I could call Teyla and Ronon," John said. It wasn't as if he could say anything that would make Rodney feel better about what just happened.
Rodney looked up at him and glared. "I'm just pondering the unfairness of life for a moment."
John sighed. He got out of his jacket and boots as well and settled down next to Rodney leaning against the second comforter. "It's really not like that most of the time," John said awkwardly.
Rodney gave him a look. Then he shook his head. "I know. And I shouldn't be... Actually, I guess I should be grateful you didn't kick me out," he said resigned.
"You're welcome," John said with a small smile.
"No, really, why didn't you throw me out? I would have."
John snorted. "It's okay, I wouldn't have slept with her anyway."
Rodney watched him suspiciously.
"Really. I'm tired. We have to get up early tomorrow and this is the kind of thing that has the tendency to blow up in your face."
"You're not that tired. And she was hot. Maybe you could have blown up on her face."
"Ugh, McKay," John said dismayed.
Rodney chuckled. "I'm sorry."
"You can be happy you weren't here with Teyla."
"I'd know better to say such things in her presence," Rodney pointed out.
"But you can in my presence? Well, thanks a lot."
"Oh, come on now. You're a guy, even if you just turned down sex with an extremely hot naked woman." Rodney seemed to ponder that for a second. "You wouldn't really have sent her away if I hadn't been here?" he then asked, sounding hopeful for John's masculinity.
John thought about it and eventually said truthfully, "I'm pretty sure I would have."
Rodney shook his head. "I don't get it. Have you seen her?"
"She was okay," John said.
"'Okay'? She had the perfect amount of everything," Rodney said, lifting his hands and forming round shapes.
John couldn't help laughing.
"I can't believe you didn't want to have sex with her," Rodney said, looking as if the world had stopped making sense.
John smiled fondly at him. He was as relaxed as he'd been in a long time and he also felt free and light-hearted, lying on a rug in front of a fireplace next to Rodney. It seemed like a good moment to say it, if only to put Rodney's world right again. "I'm not really... into women."
Rodney frowned, then glared. "Haha, very funny." But he kept looking at John and when John didn't say anything, his eyes widened. "You're not joking."
"Nope," John said, feeling a weight lift off his chest.
"But how can that be?" Rodney asked.
"Well, there are various theories about the cause for homosexuality-" John stopped, laughing when Rodney whacked him with one of the pillows that were lying next to the fireplace.
"What about all the women that throw themselves at you?" Rodney asked.
"I can't really control that," John pointed out.
"Well, what about those that you have slept with? Come to think of it, what about your ex-wife?"
John's face darkened a bit. "I never should have married her."
"What about... What about Larrin? That's pretty recent. Are you also not into her?" Rodney asked accusingly.
"I like her and I didn't say that I never sleep with women. I do-on occasion. I just don't feel... When I saw Leya, I thought 'Nice' and not 'I have to have her now'."
"So you're saying that all this time you've been gay?" Rodney asked.
"Pretty much," John answered.
Rodney pondered that for a moment. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the decorated ceiling. John watched him, uncertain where this conversation would lead if anywhere. "I might have had a crush on you back when we first met," Rodney eventually said, not looking at John.
John's heart skipped a beat, but he refused to let it get to him. He'd worked too hard at getting to this point where he was finally over Rodney. He didn't say anything.
Rodney turned back onto his side, looking at John. "How about you?"
"What about me?" John asked.
"Have you ever felt... something between us?" Rodney asked and John found it hard to see where he was going with this, if it was just curiosity or if there was a purpose.
"We're friends," John said, because it was the truth.
"I know that we are, but have you ever thought it might be more?" Rodney asked.
"Are you into guys?" John asked, because he wouldn't admit it just to satisfy Rodney's curiosity.
"Define being into guys," Rodney countered.
John sighed inwardly. "I knew you were straight."
"I didn't say that," Rodney pointed out.
"Have you ever slept with a guy?" John asked.
"As a matter of fact I have," Rodney said.
John was surprised. Then he frowned. "Really?" he asked doubtfully. "When was that?"
"Do I have to prove my sexual orientation now?" Rodney asked, slightly irritated.
John looked away. Rodney was right. It wasn't John's place to question Rodney's sexual orientation, just as it wasn't anyone's to question his. It didn't mean, however, that John had to believe Rodney. "I've never thought we would be more than friends," he said, looking at the ceiling. It wasn't even a lie. He'd hoped and dreamed and wondered but he'd never thought it would happen. And eventually he'd stopped hoping and dreaming too.
"Oh," Rodney said, sounding disappointed enough for John to look at him again.
"What if I had said yes?" John asked.
"You haven't," Rodney said, turning his gaze to the fire.
"I never thought we'd be more than friends. I might have thought about it though," John said carefully.
Rodney turned to him again. Then he looked away, deep in thought, like when he was solving a complicated equation. John wasn't quite sure what to expect to be the outcome of his contemplation, but it wasn't what Rodney eventually said. "Do you think it's too late for us?" Rodney asked, frowning.
John didn't know what he was really asking. "Too late for a crush to turn into something?" John asked, because Rodney was entirely too serious for vague nighttime what-if musings.
"If you don't think this is a good idea, you can just say so," Rodney said, sounding slightly hurt.
John felt hit. He had no idea when this had turned into actually- "Rodney. What are you saying?"
Rodney looked away again. "It's not a crush," he said after a moment. "I don't think it was ever a crush. I just... didn't know." He sounded sad.
John frowned. For years he'd dreamed about the moment where Rodney confessed his feelings for John-and that was apparently what Rodney was doing now-but at the moment he didn't feel happy about it at all. He suddenly remembered Rodney's question. Was it too late for them?
"I tried to get over it," John confessed. "I have," he added, feeling the loss.
Rodney turned to him, moving closer and looking at John with determination. "I haven't," he said forcefully. "I didn't know that there was anything to get over. I thought... it would be Katie or Jennifer. I never considered..."
"I know," John said. Rodney had never considered it, had never considered them. It had been right of John to give it up.
"But I do now," Rodney said.
"Rodney, you don't..." Know what you're talking about? Really feel this way? There were various ways to end this sentence and John knew that Rodney would like none of them. He regretted saying anything. He'd just wanted to come clean to a friend. He hadn't wanted any complications.
"You don't believe me," Rodney said.
"No, I don't," John admitted.
"Why not? Is it because it's so sudden? I told you, I've had feelings for you before. I just didn't put them in the correct context," Rodney said miffed.
"Considering yourself straight is a bit more than incorrect context," John pointed out, even though he didn't want to have this fight in the first place.
Rodney looked hurt. "So that's it? You decide that I'm not gay enough for you and that's the end of the story? And it wasn't just me, you know. I thought you were straight too."
John covered his eyes for a moment. "Rodney, what do you want from me?" he asked, feeling tired.
"Just a chance," Rodney said. "Nothing more or less."
John felt a bitter laugh in his throat, but kept it down. The idea of the two of them dating or anything like it seemed laughable. They were good friends, best friends even, but neither of them was particularly good at relationships and while the hopefulness of love might have blinded John to that fact, right now he only seemed able to see the many ways that things could go horribly wrong between them. "What if it doesn't work out?"
"We can deal with it when it comes to that," Rodney answered without a beat.
"We might not be friends anymore," John said. "Sex changes things."
Rodney just looked at him for a moment. "What are you really afraid of? I already told you that if you don't want to-"
"Okay, I don't want to do this," John interrupted him, because at this point he gladly took any chance to just be done with this conversation.
"That's a lie," Rodney shot back.
"Okay, you want the truth? I can give you the truth. I don't trust that this is anything other than you being lonely after your breakup with Jennifer. I think that you're fooling yourself into believing you're attracted to me because it would be convenient. And I don't trust either of us to make this relationship work and I'm afraid that in the end we'll have ruined our friendship and gained nothing."
Rodney's eyes were narrow and he looked belligerent, even if he was obviously trying to stay calm. "Are you done?"
"Yes," John said, taking a deep breath.
"I'm bad at relationships," Rodney began, sitting up. "The only ones that lasted more than a year were those where I didn't spend a lot of time with my girlfriend. And I'll admit that the breakup with Jennifer made me reconsider things about myself and my relationships. But did it occur to you that our relationship might work for exactly the same reasons that our other relationships didn't? You shouldn't have married your wife because you were gay, but that won't be a problem with me. I shouldn't have dated Katie or Jennifer for as long as I did, because I always knew that in order to keep them, I had to change myself. And here we are, you and I, knowing each other for over five years, growing closer instead of apart, being comfortable around each other and being ourselves-unless you were just faking with me-"
"Rodney, I wasn't," John threw in.
"Please, let me finish," Rodney said. "There's no one I'd rather spend my time with than you. I get furious or frustrated or both at the thought of you with someone else and I have been attracted to you from the start. I'm sorry that I didn't recognize what it was. I'm sorry that I wasn't aware I was in love with you, but I can't change that now. You keep pointing out what could go wrong but did you ever consider how things would be if everything went right?"
John looked at Rodney, unable to say anything because while it had been easy to dismiss Rodney's feelings before, now it was impossible not to believe him. And that made it so much harder not to consider what he was saying, because Rodney was right. John hadn't thought about what it would be like if they didn't screw it up. He hadn't wanted to. He still remembered the pain of longing for what he couldn't have. Except Rodney was trying to tell him that he could.
"We would be able to... well, maybe not spend the night because I know that we'd have to hide our relationship, at least for the time being, but we could... well, we could have sex and see each other when... Okay, so maybe it wouldn't even change a lot except for the sex part, but I imagine that would be pretty damn nice and simply knowing that you won't run off with Larrin or the next half-ascended priestess would be good. It would be like now only with sex and better because we'd know that we are together and I... You can't take that chance away from me. You just can't!" Rodney finished, crossing his arms in front of him.
"So, I don't have a say in this anyway?" John asked, feeling a smile tugging on his lips. He now remembered how he'd imagined they'd be as a couple and it had been exactly like this, Rodney bludgeoning him into submission both with his force and vulnerability and with simply knowing and understanding John the way nobody else did. They'd be like now, only better, and John wanted that, had always wanted that even if he'd given up hope that it could happen with Rodney. He couldn't take that chance away from either of them, even if he had a say in it.
"No," Rodney said stubbornly.
"Well, okay. I guess I'll just have to give in then," John said, letting the smile show on his face.
Rodney's eyes widened and he uncrossed his arms. "Really?" he asked hopefully.
John could only laugh at the change. Then it softened into a smile. "I just hope you're right."
"I am. I'm always right. You should know that by now," Rodney said eagerly.
John chose not to remind him of Doranda. Instead, he put his hand on the back of Rodney's neck and pulled him down for their chance at this.
Author: velocitygrass
Pairing: John Sheppard/Rodney McKay
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for brief OFC nudity and some crudeness on Rodney's part
Spoilers: up to Brain Storm
Word count: 3365
Summary: "I can't believe you didn't want to have sex with her," Rodney said, looking as if the world had stopped making sense.
Note: Written for the undermistletoe prompt "Someone shows up naked on a doorstep." Many thanks to neevebrody for the beta!
Chance
"Riiight. I don't think so," Rodney said, looking around the small room in disgust.
"You heard what she said," John said.
"And I don't care. I'm not sharing this room and this 'bed' with Ronon and Teyla while you live it up in your suite. Actually, I think you and Ronon should stay here. You're both soldiers. You should be conditioned to the utter lack of any physical comfort."
"You wanna go with Teyla?" Ronon asked.
"I'm just saying, we're four people with two rooms. Just because our hosts think being team leader makes Sheppard a worthier person, doesn't mean we have to lose all common sense as well. And I don't think my back would appreciate lying on this all night," Rodney said, jerking his head towards the mattress on the ground.
Ronon smiled threateningly. Rodney glared at him, while Teyla rolled her eyes. "I think Rodney's right," she said.
"Thank you," Rodney said, smiling widely.
"However," she continued, "I don't think Colonel Sheppard should sleep here. They do seem to put a special emphasis on authority and rank and they might question his authority if he stays here."
"And we don't want that," John added. "Will you two be okay?" he asked Teyla and Ronon.
"We will be fine," Teyla said with a short smile.
Ronon just started kicking off his boots, grinning as he nearly hit Rodney.
"Hey!" Rodney protested, jumping out of the way.
"McKay, you're with me," John said, turning around.
~~
"Son of a- You could easily fit a Stargate into this. Hell, you might be able to squeeze the whole gateroom in," Rodney said, looking around at the huge four poster bed, the lush carpet, high windows, mirror, antique cupboards and the cozy fireplace with the bear rug, or rather some kind of animal that probably hadn't been a bear. He put down his gear and walked to the fire. "If this is how they host their guests, I want to know how Pareyu lives."
John wasn't as impressed. "Maybe they're just showing off."
Rodney gave him a look. "Well, if they are, they're doing a very good job."
There was a knock on the door.
Rodney turned to John. "Just so we clear, nothing will keep me from sleeping here tonight. There's no way I'm swapping places, though I suppose Teyla and Ronon could just drag their mattress in here. Or sleep on the rug and one of those," he said, pointing at the pile of comforters on the bed. He went to the door and opened it while John set down his P-90.
The bedding on the bed was indeed numerous. John started peeling of the first layer. He heard that it wasn't Teyla or Ronon, but Leya, the daughter of the chancellor and source of dinner discussion as Rodney wondered aloud how she would look in a gold bikini. John didn't look up and started on the second layer. He thought of The Princess and the Pea and grinned as he pictured Rodney complaining about a restless night. Then he realized that Rodney was in fact not complaining-or talking at all. Leya wasn't speaking anymore either.
He looked up and Rodney was standing at the doorway, one hand on the door.
"Rodney?" John asked, worry edging into his voice. It was never a good sign when Rodney became silent on missions.
When Rodney still didn't speak, John quickly went around the bed towards the door. "Oh," he said, as Leya came into his view, smiling and wearing decidedly less than a gold bikini. Precisely she was naked.
"John," she said happily, shooting Rodney a confused side-glance. "I was hoping to find you here. Alone."
John stared at her and let his gaze wander down her soft-looking skin. "Yeah, I... I mean, no, I'm not alone," he said, eyes on her breasts, because... well, they were there and naked.
"Oh," she said, clearly disappointed.
John forced himself to look up at her face. He smiled apologetically.
"I didn't know that you already had a companion for the night," she said, looking sadly at Rodney.
John waited for Rodney to splutter and protest that he was no one's companion. But there was still only silence and when John looked at Rodney, Rodney just stared at Leya.
"Yeah, sorry. Thanks for the offer though. It's much appreciated," John said with a smile, pulling Rodney away from the door by the back of his uniform jacket and closing the door. Rodney was still silent, mouth slightly open, and John was beginning to seriously worry when he blinked and turned to John.
"I just... Is this what it's like to be you? I mean other people try their best not to screw up a relationship and then do it anyway and you just... exist and people throw themselves at you? Is that it?"
"Rodney," John said in a calming voice.
"No, seriously. How often do women show up naked on your doorstep?" Rodney asked accusingly.
"Every day, McKay. They're standing in line on Atlantis every night, you just never noticed," John said sarcastically.
Rodney huffed. "Well, you seemed to take it pretty cool, for someone who's never seen something like that." There was a pout on his skewed lips.
John found it entirely too adorable for his own good. "I didn't say it never happened," he said, turning back towards the bed.
"Seriously?" Rodney asked, and it sounded pained.
John began to peel off the next layer of comforters from the bed. "Not exactly. She was wearing a coat or something, but nothing else. You remember the second medieval Atlantis that gave us the jumpers?"
"Yes," Rodney said and John didn't have to look up to see that he was pissed.
"She only wanted me for my genes, you know," John said, hoping it would make Rodney feel better.
"And Leya?" Rodney asked.
"Well, you know how much they value authority and as a leader of-"
"Oh, just stop it," Rodney said exasperated.
John looked up to see him grab two of the comforters and throw them down in front of the fire. He got out of his jacket and boots, folded one comforter up and leaned against it.
"If you want to sleep in front of the fire, I could call Teyla and Ronon," John said. It wasn't as if he could say anything that would make Rodney feel better about what just happened.
Rodney looked up at him and glared. "I'm just pondering the unfairness of life for a moment."
John sighed. He got out of his jacket and boots as well and settled down next to Rodney leaning against the second comforter. "It's really not like that most of the time," John said awkwardly.
Rodney gave him a look. Then he shook his head. "I know. And I shouldn't be... Actually, I guess I should be grateful you didn't kick me out," he said resigned.
"You're welcome," John said with a small smile.
"No, really, why didn't you throw me out? I would have."
John snorted. "It's okay, I wouldn't have slept with her anyway."
Rodney watched him suspiciously.
"Really. I'm tired. We have to get up early tomorrow and this is the kind of thing that has the tendency to blow up in your face."
"You're not that tired. And she was hot. Maybe you could have blown up on her face."
"Ugh, McKay," John said dismayed.
Rodney chuckled. "I'm sorry."
"You can be happy you weren't here with Teyla."
"I'd know better to say such things in her presence," Rodney pointed out.
"But you can in my presence? Well, thanks a lot."
"Oh, come on now. You're a guy, even if you just turned down sex with an extremely hot naked woman." Rodney seemed to ponder that for a second. "You wouldn't really have sent her away if I hadn't been here?" he then asked, sounding hopeful for John's masculinity.
John thought about it and eventually said truthfully, "I'm pretty sure I would have."
Rodney shook his head. "I don't get it. Have you seen her?"
"She was okay," John said.
"'Okay'? She had the perfect amount of everything," Rodney said, lifting his hands and forming round shapes.
John couldn't help laughing.
"I can't believe you didn't want to have sex with her," Rodney said, looking as if the world had stopped making sense.
John smiled fondly at him. He was as relaxed as he'd been in a long time and he also felt free and light-hearted, lying on a rug in front of a fireplace next to Rodney. It seemed like a good moment to say it, if only to put Rodney's world right again. "I'm not really... into women."
Rodney frowned, then glared. "Haha, very funny." But he kept looking at John and when John didn't say anything, his eyes widened. "You're not joking."
"Nope," John said, feeling a weight lift off his chest.
"But how can that be?" Rodney asked.
"Well, there are various theories about the cause for homosexuality-" John stopped, laughing when Rodney whacked him with one of the pillows that were lying next to the fireplace.
"What about all the women that throw themselves at you?" Rodney asked.
"I can't really control that," John pointed out.
"Well, what about those that you have slept with? Come to think of it, what about your ex-wife?"
John's face darkened a bit. "I never should have married her."
"What about... What about Larrin? That's pretty recent. Are you also not into her?" Rodney asked accusingly.
"I like her and I didn't say that I never sleep with women. I do-on occasion. I just don't feel... When I saw Leya, I thought 'Nice' and not 'I have to have her now'."
"So you're saying that all this time you've been gay?" Rodney asked.
"Pretty much," John answered.
Rodney pondered that for a moment. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the decorated ceiling. John watched him, uncertain where this conversation would lead if anywhere. "I might have had a crush on you back when we first met," Rodney eventually said, not looking at John.
John's heart skipped a beat, but he refused to let it get to him. He'd worked too hard at getting to this point where he was finally over Rodney. He didn't say anything.
Rodney turned back onto his side, looking at John. "How about you?"
"What about me?" John asked.
"Have you ever felt... something between us?" Rodney asked and John found it hard to see where he was going with this, if it was just curiosity or if there was a purpose.
"We're friends," John said, because it was the truth.
"I know that we are, but have you ever thought it might be more?" Rodney asked.
"Are you into guys?" John asked, because he wouldn't admit it just to satisfy Rodney's curiosity.
"Define being into guys," Rodney countered.
John sighed inwardly. "I knew you were straight."
"I didn't say that," Rodney pointed out.
"Have you ever slept with a guy?" John asked.
"As a matter of fact I have," Rodney said.
John was surprised. Then he frowned. "Really?" he asked doubtfully. "When was that?"
"Do I have to prove my sexual orientation now?" Rodney asked, slightly irritated.
John looked away. Rodney was right. It wasn't John's place to question Rodney's sexual orientation, just as it wasn't anyone's to question his. It didn't mean, however, that John had to believe Rodney. "I've never thought we would be more than friends," he said, looking at the ceiling. It wasn't even a lie. He'd hoped and dreamed and wondered but he'd never thought it would happen. And eventually he'd stopped hoping and dreaming too.
"Oh," Rodney said, sounding disappointed enough for John to look at him again.
"What if I had said yes?" John asked.
"You haven't," Rodney said, turning his gaze to the fire.
"I never thought we'd be more than friends. I might have thought about it though," John said carefully.
Rodney turned to him again. Then he looked away, deep in thought, like when he was solving a complicated equation. John wasn't quite sure what to expect to be the outcome of his contemplation, but it wasn't what Rodney eventually said. "Do you think it's too late for us?" Rodney asked, frowning.
John didn't know what he was really asking. "Too late for a crush to turn into something?" John asked, because Rodney was entirely too serious for vague nighttime what-if musings.
"If you don't think this is a good idea, you can just say so," Rodney said, sounding slightly hurt.
John felt hit. He had no idea when this had turned into actually- "Rodney. What are you saying?"
Rodney looked away again. "It's not a crush," he said after a moment. "I don't think it was ever a crush. I just... didn't know." He sounded sad.
John frowned. For years he'd dreamed about the moment where Rodney confessed his feelings for John-and that was apparently what Rodney was doing now-but at the moment he didn't feel happy about it at all. He suddenly remembered Rodney's question. Was it too late for them?
"I tried to get over it," John confessed. "I have," he added, feeling the loss.
Rodney turned to him, moving closer and looking at John with determination. "I haven't," he said forcefully. "I didn't know that there was anything to get over. I thought... it would be Katie or Jennifer. I never considered..."
"I know," John said. Rodney had never considered it, had never considered them. It had been right of John to give it up.
"But I do now," Rodney said.
"Rodney, you don't..." Know what you're talking about? Really feel this way? There were various ways to end this sentence and John knew that Rodney would like none of them. He regretted saying anything. He'd just wanted to come clean to a friend. He hadn't wanted any complications.
"You don't believe me," Rodney said.
"No, I don't," John admitted.
"Why not? Is it because it's so sudden? I told you, I've had feelings for you before. I just didn't put them in the correct context," Rodney said miffed.
"Considering yourself straight is a bit more than incorrect context," John pointed out, even though he didn't want to have this fight in the first place.
Rodney looked hurt. "So that's it? You decide that I'm not gay enough for you and that's the end of the story? And it wasn't just me, you know. I thought you were straight too."
John covered his eyes for a moment. "Rodney, what do you want from me?" he asked, feeling tired.
"Just a chance," Rodney said. "Nothing more or less."
John felt a bitter laugh in his throat, but kept it down. The idea of the two of them dating or anything like it seemed laughable. They were good friends, best friends even, but neither of them was particularly good at relationships and while the hopefulness of love might have blinded John to that fact, right now he only seemed able to see the many ways that things could go horribly wrong between them. "What if it doesn't work out?"
"We can deal with it when it comes to that," Rodney answered without a beat.
"We might not be friends anymore," John said. "Sex changes things."
Rodney just looked at him for a moment. "What are you really afraid of? I already told you that if you don't want to-"
"Okay, I don't want to do this," John interrupted him, because at this point he gladly took any chance to just be done with this conversation.
"That's a lie," Rodney shot back.
"Okay, you want the truth? I can give you the truth. I don't trust that this is anything other than you being lonely after your breakup with Jennifer. I think that you're fooling yourself into believing you're attracted to me because it would be convenient. And I don't trust either of us to make this relationship work and I'm afraid that in the end we'll have ruined our friendship and gained nothing."
Rodney's eyes were narrow and he looked belligerent, even if he was obviously trying to stay calm. "Are you done?"
"Yes," John said, taking a deep breath.
"I'm bad at relationships," Rodney began, sitting up. "The only ones that lasted more than a year were those where I didn't spend a lot of time with my girlfriend. And I'll admit that the breakup with Jennifer made me reconsider things about myself and my relationships. But did it occur to you that our relationship might work for exactly the same reasons that our other relationships didn't? You shouldn't have married your wife because you were gay, but that won't be a problem with me. I shouldn't have dated Katie or Jennifer for as long as I did, because I always knew that in order to keep them, I had to change myself. And here we are, you and I, knowing each other for over five years, growing closer instead of apart, being comfortable around each other and being ourselves-unless you were just faking with me-"
"Rodney, I wasn't," John threw in.
"Please, let me finish," Rodney said. "There's no one I'd rather spend my time with than you. I get furious or frustrated or both at the thought of you with someone else and I have been attracted to you from the start. I'm sorry that I didn't recognize what it was. I'm sorry that I wasn't aware I was in love with you, but I can't change that now. You keep pointing out what could go wrong but did you ever consider how things would be if everything went right?"
John looked at Rodney, unable to say anything because while it had been easy to dismiss Rodney's feelings before, now it was impossible not to believe him. And that made it so much harder not to consider what he was saying, because Rodney was right. John hadn't thought about what it would be like if they didn't screw it up. He hadn't wanted to. He still remembered the pain of longing for what he couldn't have. Except Rodney was trying to tell him that he could.
"We would be able to... well, maybe not spend the night because I know that we'd have to hide our relationship, at least for the time being, but we could... well, we could have sex and see each other when... Okay, so maybe it wouldn't even change a lot except for the sex part, but I imagine that would be pretty damn nice and simply knowing that you won't run off with Larrin or the next half-ascended priestess would be good. It would be like now only with sex and better because we'd know that we are together and I... You can't take that chance away from me. You just can't!" Rodney finished, crossing his arms in front of him.
"So, I don't have a say in this anyway?" John asked, feeling a smile tugging on his lips. He now remembered how he'd imagined they'd be as a couple and it had been exactly like this, Rodney bludgeoning him into submission both with his force and vulnerability and with simply knowing and understanding John the way nobody else did. They'd be like now, only better, and John wanted that, had always wanted that even if he'd given up hope that it could happen with Rodney. He couldn't take that chance away from either of them, even if he had a say in it.
"No," Rodney said stubbornly.
"Well, okay. I guess I'll just have to give in then," John said, letting the smile show on his face.
Rodney's eyes widened and he uncrossed his arms. "Really?" he asked hopefully.
John could only laugh at the change. Then it softened into a smile. "I just hope you're right."
"I am. I'm always right. You should know that by now," Rodney said eagerly.
John chose not to remind him of Doranda. Instead, he put his hand on the back of Rodney's neck and pulled him down for their chance at this.