Always The Same

[velja]

Seriously, why is it that every time I have a day off and have made all these plans in my head for what to do on that day, that something comes up to distract me, throw me completely, f*ck with my mind, and I turn into an emotional wreck unable to concentrate on anything?
Why do I let these things get me off my path?

Today I had planned to do this:

• Clean my apartment (especially the bathroom)
• Make concrete plans for my upcoming holiday (8 days in England with my sister, jippie)
• Come up with a trainer/trainee schedule for work
• Do laundry
• Go shopping for groceries

And then these things happened to put me off:

• First of all: Once again I drank not enough fluids over the last few days and now I have a headache.

• Then there's still the lingering sadness about not passing the exams I took two weeks ago in Hannover. I botched that up and they said "No", did I tell you that? Well, anyway, that chance is blown to pieces, so... yeah.

• Then there's this: Yesterday I stumbled upon a song I didn't know before and the lyrics hit just a bit too close to home: "I'm a ghost of the girl that I want to be most, I'm a shell of the girl that I used to know well." And now I wonder: Where did it all go wrong? When did I change so much? I don't recognize myself anymore.

• And last but not least: Today's July, 16th and that's always a date for reminiscing about the past. The significance of that date needs explaining, doesn't it? My grandma died on this day 13 years ago and I can't help but remember all that stuff. The good and the bad, everything about her. And the weird thing is, a lot of my relatives have died over the years (aunts and uncles, even a cousin) but my grandma's death is the only one where I remember the date. I know exactly where I was on that day (it was a Friday), what I did, how I got the news... everything. Well, maybe it's not so weird after all, because her death changed my life, changed my family, in ways the other deaths did not. My parents were never the same after that day, they were... better. Way better. With my grandma's death my parents started to live again. So, in some twisted way this should be a happy day for us all. That sounds bad, doesn't it? Like my grandma was some kind of bad person that destroyed my family. She wasn't and she didn't. But the last five years of her life were spent in terrible sickness and it wasn't easy for my family to deal with it. And when she died... well, it was salvation for her. And in some way for my whole family as well. So there, I said it. Her death turned out to be a good thing. Sue me.

So all this stuff prevents me from doing what I had planned for today (though the day has just begun, maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic).
We'll see what the rest will bring.