contemporary critic
I njeed to host some sort of contest to attract readers to my blog or something. I feel like I am having a dialogue with myself, which is kind of frustrating because I am too clueless to have any answers.
I am a little scared to weigh myself. I've been eating healthy for a few months, and now that I'm off keto, I feel like I have marginally more energy. I am still working too much and stressed about school. I miss the summer. Working full time was so easy. Anyways, I have been struggling for a while with the fact that even at my heaviest, I don't think I looked bad. My main problem is that seeing all of the fat hate that's out there - on reddit, in the media, etc. I am totally terrified to approach anyone about sex and if I don't get sex, I am going to die a terrible death. Fuck. I'm horny I might explode, but I don't want a guy to be grossed out by me.
This is why I can't have an audience, because who wants to read me say stuff like that?
Anyways, I have been trying not to stress about my weight and just focus on being healthy. I still haven't been going to the gym as much as I'd like - only twice this week. But at least I went those two times. I know they say you should go even when you're tired because it will increase your energy, but I find that by the time you factor in my travel time, it's just an exhausting excursion to go to the gym after school and work. It sucks being reliant on octranspo.
Also, I still haven't done groceries or washed my dishes. What the fuck is my problem? I've continued my diet of coffee and salad. Basically, I only eat salad (1 or 2 meals) and have a large coffee with cream and sweetner in the morning. I also usually throw in some cheese and/or nuts about mid morning but that sounds like an unhealthy diet, except that salad is not that unhealthy. Today I had a mostly awesome salad - caesar, greens, chicken, cheddar, avocado, egg, bacon, celery and cuke. Except it was 15 fucking dollars!!! For a salad! Next time, I am going to skip the avocado. It's delicious but they give you so little that's not worth paying extra for. I'd also throw in some more veggies, although I wish freshii offered green peppers. And finally, it was just SWIMMING in dressing. I ordered the regular portion but I'll be going with the half size from now on... Actually, next time I might for a tuna, sunflower seed and spinach salad. We'll see. Anyways that's all I've eaten except for a couple of squares of dark chocolate and a large coffee. I feel okay about myself until I know that I have to weigh myself, and then I start freaking out.
Hopefully I'll feel better after Zumba tomorrow morning. And it's fall back, so I even get to sleep in. Then I need to do some homework in the afternoon, because I've done nothing all day. I don't have an orgo lab or a geo lab due on Monday, which is a huge change of pace, but I still have a ton of shit to do, and if I don't at least work on orgo tomorrow, I'm going to have a really shitty weekend next week. But at least Friday is a holiday? Also, the midterm for orgo is on Wednesday and I need to nail that because I am in danger of failing the class. I am pretty scared, although I feel like I have somewhat of a better idea of what's going on this time, I still need to work on nailing down a lot of the memorization and I suck at that. My confidence is somewhat boosted by the biostats midterm, though. That really was a gift and I KNOW that I did well on that. I am hoping for 100%.
I also have yoga tomorrow evening, which I haven't had in 3 weeks, due to reading week. My back has really been bothering me, and that usually helps relieve a lot of the tension. I should figure out when I'm going to take it next semester. I'd like to take it more than once a week, for sure.
Oh, and I NEED a haircut. I should have done that today, but it looks like I'll have to go and do that tomorrow. I'm just going to go to first choice and get a trim, and then some time in December I'll go to riccioli or babylos and get a real cut and dye before I go home for Christmas.
So why didn't I get anything done today? Well, that is a very good question. I slept in until 11. I was exhausted. Let's back track to yesterday. I got up at 4:30 to finish a geo lab. Then I worked all day and work was INSANE. Also, Joy brought in cupcakes and I ate 2 and that made my stomach so upset. That's part of the reason I am so scared to weigh myself, even though I know that I could not have eaten above maintenance level yesterday. I had a couple of sliced of bacon at like 5 am. Then a coffee around 8. Then a large salad with chicken, carrots, egg and garlicky dressing. And then the two cupcakes and a couple of wherthers candies. There's no way that's 2000 calories. Especially since the cupcakes were on the small side. Anyways, that's over and done with. But after going to class, my stomach was still upset and I was falling asleep while standing, so I decided to skip the gym. However, by skipping the gym, I ended up unintentionally getting on the bus with the guy that I am intentionally stalking. His name is Matt, from what I can gather and he is adorableeee. Anyways. That was awkward. But when I got home, I realized I'd left all of my lab material in my locker at school, which is inaccessible on weekends since the building is locked. Fuck. Luckily, I called Shannon and she was able to go rescue it for me. But as a result, I had to go pick it up from her, which I did today.
I slept basically from 8 last night until 11 this morning and I still feel a bit groggy. Luckily tonight is fall back, which I think I already mentioned. Anyways, I got up, showered and went to get that stuff, and then I went and got my mega-fucking-expensive salad and sat and read and ate. Then I went to the market because I really needed mitts. I bought green and grey mitts to match my jacket, however I then went to Old Navy and bought a new jacket. The jacket that was wearing was size 3XL. I have never actually been a 3XL AND I've lost 40lbs. The jacket made me feel like a hobo. Anyways, outerwear was on sale at Old Navy, so I bought a black pea coat, which is always a safe bet. Then I stopped at Ardene and bought a scarf and a toque. I haven't owned a toque since I was like 12, but since I'm already freezing while waiting for the bus every day, I figured it would be good to have. Plus it's a good toque and when I got home and tried it on, it looked fine, which is surprising. Anyways, I also ordered two necklaces off of etsy, so it has been an expensive day. Blah. but that's why I haven't gotten anything done. Because since I got home all I've done is surf reddit and I haven't even watched Community. But I think I might go to bed now and maybe work on reading some more of the book I've been working on for a while, which is Platform. It's about sex tourism and it's rather racy. Also it's french and it has a whole existentialism thing going on. But updated for the 21st century.
Pixel just cries and cries and cries. Although she's been sleeping on my lab since I got home. But she is slowly eating my Salvador Dali poster in my living room and it makes me sad. :(