"I'll follow you into the dark"
Right now, right at this exact second, everything fucking sucks. I want to hide away but not just a bit--I want to disappear and get this weight off my shoulders. I'm so constantly terrorized by the fear of what happens after death that part of me wants to just get it over with and find out. And maybe if it's something favourable, I'll be able to be with people I've lost (or am about to lose). I'm so totally alone. The one person who promised me I wasn't alone doesn't return my calls and no one else wants to hear about my misery (and I don't blame them).
I can't sit with this. It's too hard. It's not fair.
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[You] 12:00am
honestly ben no one else is online and i'm so down right now
[Benjamin] 12:01am
Talk to me
[You] 12:01am
everything just really sucks and i'm so fucking alone and i just wish it was over
[Benjamin] 12:02am
Why does stuff suck?
[You] 12:03am
my friend is about to die and everyone expects me to just get on with my life and i have zero motivation for school or life
[Benjamin] 12:05am
Maia, I know how painful it is, and I know how tough it can be. I know you're going to be really sad, but the truth is, while you have to mourn your friend, you also need to live your own life. I'm not saying forget it, and I'm not saying, "move on", I'm just saying that you take the friendship, and the memory to inspire your own life. I don't mean for it to sound cold, I mean for it to sound loving, but that's what you need to do.
[You] 12:09am
sometimes i feel inspired by the fact that i'm still so alive and healthy but i also feel guilty. she's dying from something that could have killed me too but for whatever reason i got better and she didn't. she's been dying for a long time and i've been mourning like she's already gone but i'll be so empty without her
[Benjamin] 12:10am
Honey, instead of feeling empty and regret, use it to help you live for her as well.
I guess...
[You] 12:10am
but that's so much pressure
to live for both of us
[Benjamin] 12:10am
Then live for you
And with her memory
This needs to show you what it means to appreciate what you have, and I know you do
Strength from pain
[You] 12:12am
i don't know how to move on though. i feel so sad about all this and i'm totally stuck in it
[Benjamin] 12:13am
You're allowed to feel sad, but you can't let it stop your own life
It defeats the fact that you became healthy
[You] 12:14am
yeah, definitely true. but why did i deserve to live and she couldn't?
it shouldn't have been me
[Benjamin] 12:14am
And why not the other way?
Honey, it's not for you to decide
This one you leave to G-d
[You] 12:16am
it's so frustrating how little control i have over anything
[Benjamin] 12:16am
This is something you can NOT control
[You] 12:18am
maybe she'll get to know a special kind of peace and maybe she's destined for something better, but i wasn't raised believing that stuff and it's hard for me to start now, even though it would bring me so much comfort
[Benjamin] 12:18am
I think so, faith is an incredible thing
[You] 12:20am
yeah, i think it would make my life a lot more peaceful
[Benjamin] 12:20am
Try to find it a little
[You] 12:22am
i'm afraid of believing in something that doesn't exist, though, because then i'm allowing myself to stop feeling pain when i should still be feeling it
[Benjamin] 12:23am
Not true at all
First off, 1) G-d does exist
2) Never deny pain
We don't believe to ignore pain
[You] 12:23am
i feel like i deserve to feel pain if other people are in pain, because i deserve it more than they do and if they're suffering then i should be suffering too
[Benjamin] 12:23am
Okay, THAT is not the way to look at it
You do NOT deserve more pain
Pain is something we all have, it teaches us to live
[You] 12:26am
how so?
[Benjamin] 12:26am
It is what allows us to appreciate the things we have
[You] 12:28am
it makes sense on a vague level but i can't imagine myself saying, "hey, this hurts like fuck and i'd rather die than feel this anymore" and get from that thought to "wow, my life is awesome"
[Benjamin] 12:29am
No one ever said turn it into "my life is awesome". It is NOT that black and white
There is a HUGE grey area that you're ignoring
[You] 12:30am
yeah, that tends to be a problem of mine--seeing the gray areas
I can't sit with this. It's too hard. It's not fair.
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[You] 12:00am
honestly ben no one else is online and i'm so down right now
[Benjamin] 12:01am
Talk to me
[You] 12:01am
everything just really sucks and i'm so fucking alone and i just wish it was over
[Benjamin] 12:02am
Why does stuff suck?
[You] 12:03am
my friend is about to die and everyone expects me to just get on with my life and i have zero motivation for school or life
[Benjamin] 12:05am
Maia, I know how painful it is, and I know how tough it can be. I know you're going to be really sad, but the truth is, while you have to mourn your friend, you also need to live your own life. I'm not saying forget it, and I'm not saying, "move on", I'm just saying that you take the friendship, and the memory to inspire your own life. I don't mean for it to sound cold, I mean for it to sound loving, but that's what you need to do.
[You] 12:09am
sometimes i feel inspired by the fact that i'm still so alive and healthy but i also feel guilty. she's dying from something that could have killed me too but for whatever reason i got better and she didn't. she's been dying for a long time and i've been mourning like she's already gone but i'll be so empty without her
[Benjamin] 12:10am
Honey, instead of feeling empty and regret, use it to help you live for her as well.
I guess...
[You] 12:10am
but that's so much pressure
to live for both of us
[Benjamin] 12:10am
Then live for you
And with her memory
This needs to show you what it means to appreciate what you have, and I know you do
Strength from pain
[You] 12:12am
i don't know how to move on though. i feel so sad about all this and i'm totally stuck in it
[Benjamin] 12:13am
You're allowed to feel sad, but you can't let it stop your own life
It defeats the fact that you became healthy
[You] 12:14am
yeah, definitely true. but why did i deserve to live and she couldn't?
it shouldn't have been me
[Benjamin] 12:14am
And why not the other way?
Honey, it's not for you to decide
This one you leave to G-d
[You] 12:16am
it's so frustrating how little control i have over anything
[Benjamin] 12:16am
This is something you can NOT control
[You] 12:18am
maybe she'll get to know a special kind of peace and maybe she's destined for something better, but i wasn't raised believing that stuff and it's hard for me to start now, even though it would bring me so much comfort
[Benjamin] 12:18am
I think so, faith is an incredible thing
[You] 12:20am
yeah, i think it would make my life a lot more peaceful
[Benjamin] 12:20am
Try to find it a little
[You] 12:22am
i'm afraid of believing in something that doesn't exist, though, because then i'm allowing myself to stop feeling pain when i should still be feeling it
[Benjamin] 12:23am
Not true at all
First off, 1) G-d does exist
2) Never deny pain
We don't believe to ignore pain
[You] 12:23am
i feel like i deserve to feel pain if other people are in pain, because i deserve it more than they do and if they're suffering then i should be suffering too
[Benjamin] 12:23am
Okay, THAT is not the way to look at it
You do NOT deserve more pain
Pain is something we all have, it teaches us to live
[You] 12:26am
how so?
[Benjamin] 12:26am
It is what allows us to appreciate the things we have
[You] 12:28am
it makes sense on a vague level but i can't imagine myself saying, "hey, this hurts like fuck and i'd rather die than feel this anymore" and get from that thought to "wow, my life is awesome"
[Benjamin] 12:29am
No one ever said turn it into "my life is awesome". It is NOT that black and white
There is a HUGE grey area that you're ignoring
[You] 12:30am
yeah, that tends to be a problem of mine--seeing the gray areas