Gotta get away from what I'm thinking/I'm thinking/It's too much for anyone
I feel more peaceful today. I need to learn self-acceptance, to believe that it's okay to feel like shit and struggle daily on a long-term basis over the same situation. I always crave validation from others because I don't believe I deserve it from myself. But now, I'm going to try validating myself and my feelings... here goes:
*It's okay and understandable to feel upset that I'm witnessing a painful, prolonged death.
*It's okay and understandable that I feel alone and like no one can relate to my situation.
*Just because people can't see I'm in pain doesn't mean the pain isn't there. I'm sad and stressed and I feel like there's a brick sitting in my chest and sometimes people will have to deal with hearing about it. My joints hurt and no one has ever believed me, and now it's time to accept that I know the pain is there and that might have to be enough. I know I'm clinging to my diagnosis (even though it doesn't come with a cure) because I want people to finally admit they were wrong in ignoring me, and this is an acceptable reaction to have. It's acceptable because it's what I'm feeling.
*It's okay to admit that I want help, that I want to be comforted and babied and to have responsibilities/expectations removed from me so I can wallow in my own pit of sadness guilt-free.
*It's okay to cling to objects and people when I feel lonely and scared and vulnerable.
*It's okay to take comfort in talking to Sara's mother even though I know she's feeling even worse than I am [this one's a stretch--I still feel guilty about it].
*It's okay to feel angry that one disease is taking so many lives at once, and it's okay to feel angry at the people themselves when they lose the battle against it [also a stretch]. And it's okay to question my place in all this. Someone told me yesterday that it's because I have a "different purpose." I'm not sure I believe that or understand it.
I need to break free from wasting energy every minute of every day on fighting against myself. I beat myself up non-stop and live in constant regret of actions or thoughts that have just passed.
I need to ask for what I need and accept that it's okay to need it.
*It's okay and understandable to feel upset that I'm witnessing a painful, prolonged death.
*It's okay and understandable that I feel alone and like no one can relate to my situation.
*Just because people can't see I'm in pain doesn't mean the pain isn't there. I'm sad and stressed and I feel like there's a brick sitting in my chest and sometimes people will have to deal with hearing about it. My joints hurt and no one has ever believed me, and now it's time to accept that I know the pain is there and that might have to be enough. I know I'm clinging to my diagnosis (even though it doesn't come with a cure) because I want people to finally admit they were wrong in ignoring me, and this is an acceptable reaction to have. It's acceptable because it's what I'm feeling.
*It's okay to admit that I want help, that I want to be comforted and babied and to have responsibilities/expectations removed from me so I can wallow in my own pit of sadness guilt-free.
*It's okay to cling to objects and people when I feel lonely and scared and vulnerable.
*It's okay to take comfort in talking to Sara's mother even though I know she's feeling even worse than I am [this one's a stretch--I still feel guilty about it].
*It's okay to feel angry that one disease is taking so many lives at once, and it's okay to feel angry at the people themselves when they lose the battle against it [also a stretch]. And it's okay to question my place in all this. Someone told me yesterday that it's because I have a "different purpose." I'm not sure I believe that or understand it.
I need to break free from wasting energy every minute of every day on fighting against myself. I beat myself up non-stop and live in constant regret of actions or thoughts that have just passed.
I need to ask for what I need and accept that it's okay to need it.