Christmas Blues
Every Christmas seems to be nothing special. I have little money to buy presents with, I'm frantically working, and trying to get all my errands done. So it basically just amounts to one big STRESS. This is basically just a vent entry. I feel like screaming. I did so badly this semester. I am brilliant and I know this. I could have gone into the honors college. And I fucking failed a class. I didn't see that one coming. On top of losing my scholarships, I know how much shit I'm going to have to hear from my family. I can already hear the fights between my mom and I echoing in the distance. I won't be able to pay for school on my own if I lose Millennium. I don't have any money saved. I spent all of it paying for my car which isn't paid off yet. Which is another thing I can't talk about because it would start a huge arguement between my mom's side of the family and I. I'm not even so much worried about how I'm going to pay for school if I lose my scholarship, as I am about asking my mom for the money if I need it. I can already tell if I needed the money she would make me move back in with her to get it. Which, right now anyway, I flat out refuse to do. I told my friends I have only three options; 1. Ask my mom for money 2. Take out a loan 3. Not go next semester and take summer classes instead. They tell me not going isn't an option. But what they don't know is the extra stress it would put on me to ask for the money or take out a loan. I don't want ANOTHER loan hanging over my head when I already have my car loan. I DON'T want to ask my mom for the money because I know she won't give it to me unless I move back in with her. And I can already see the faces my friends and family would make if I didn't attend next semester. I can hear what they'd say to my face and behind my back. But GODDAMMIT I'm a fucking adult. Yes, I screwed up. No I will never let it happen again. And that's all the encouragement I need. I don't need someone else to nag me-excuse me- motivate me, or keep me on track. I did in High School and got myself into some bad habits. But that's obviously not going to work now. I've started clenching my teeth again just thinking about telling my family that I failed and I'm possibly going to lose my scholarship. I've been so nervous lately. First my dad gets laid off, then I'm frantically trying to look for another job, then I get one that's really shitty and work it as well as still working at the pool and going to school, then the pool closes, finals, get another job at Starbucks and quit the one at Abercrombie, and I have no goddamned money and I feel like crying and having a nervous breakdown. My grandma and Happy are here for Christmas. JOY. This just adds to my stress factor. I don't even feel like sleeping at night. Only during the day. I'm fucking addicted to myspace and there's this guy I've liked since about 9th grade that I'm now friends with that I wish would just fucking ask me OUT ALREADY, but he doesn't. GODDAMMIT. GODDAMMIT. GODDAMMIT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My head is swimming. I feel like taking up smoking or some destructive habit like that. I don't know why. I need a fucking man. Just for about 1 hour a week. And we can space out the time even. Spread out the hour over several days. But it seems I can't find a good one. Besides the one who is my 'friend'. I want a rich husband, or at least just one who makes enough so I don't have to work while I'm in school. I'll even make his meals for him. Maybe even pretreat his stains. If he's lucky. I'm not asking a whole goddamn lot here. I'd even settle for one that was blue collar, but at least treated me decently with like love or something. I feel like I just need a vacation away from everyone and everything for a while. But I have no money to do so. Soon though. Soon. When the pool opens again I'm going to pay off my car and save the rest of my money. Go to SoCal. Surf. Read. Drink mochas from Pacific Bean. I hate feeling so alone like I don't have any back up. Like no one could actually give me the help I need god-forbid I should ever need it. I could stand feeling alone and making a lot of money. At least I wouldn't feel vulnerable like this. I want to get my hair done, but I have no money. My boss tells me to wear shirts that are long enough to be tucked in. GOOD LUCK. I have none. They don't exist, because if they did, trust me, I'd already have them. My torso is about 2 1/2 feet long. I am not a seamstress dammit. I can't sleep. I need to sleep for about 2 days straight. Through Christmas at my mom's where she acts like I'm an ungrateful evil person that doesn't want to spend the time that I don't have with anyone. That doesn't want to give cookies I baked expressly for other people as gifts to people in my family whom I bought gifts for. I truly am evil aren't I! Worse than Manson. I usually cry every Christmas, lets see if this one will be any different. From the looks of it, no it won't be. Merry Christmas! I need $700! NOW! Because I fucked up! Everyone please scowl and act like I've never done anything good in my entire life! Photo Op! Hold Up your presents kids! Racheal, smile dammit! Why won't you smile! Get your hand away from the camera, you blinked, take another one. Crash, thump, fuck your pictures, and fuck your smiles, take back all my presents and give me true understanding instead.