you'll always be my hero

Aug 13, 2005 00:32

So today was intiresting. It was a kinda hard day to get through. i spent a good amount of time thinking. Thinking is a hard thing for me to do sometimes. i know that sounds stupid, but i dont mean thinking like doing math, i mean thinking about things in my life. anyway we will start from the begining. got up, worked out, came home, showered, went to cals and the post office, alaina came over for a bit,i was suposed to go up to tysons party, but i couldnt, so i didnt. so  i went to cals again, then to devs. since i hadnt eaten we then went to canal cuz i was gunna get some soup, but icecream sounded better. and i didnt feel like paying that much anyway. then we walked for a lil bit, haha we saw george.  i miss him he's great. then went back to her house and watched pretty in pink cuz it was in my pile of movies at her house that i havnt seen yet. anyway. i dont know, it was just one of those days for me when it takes a bit to get going, to face the light, and its harder to smile.
          but i thought a lot. about everything. and i realized there is so much that i have never told anyone the way i really feel, what really scares me, who i really want to be, and how much i wish somethings had never happened. and i realized why. i spend so much time puttin on this face, trying so hard to be strong, to not show how much it hurts, to show that i am ok, when its really killing me. it's so hard for me to fail, and for people to see me fail at the things that really matter to me. i cant even explain it, but i want so bad for my mom, my family, my friends to think im ok, i/they suceeded, i want someone to be proud. i want to be a person that would make my daddy proud. and im so scared im not. ever since i can remember i just wanted to make people happy, to make someone think im good at whatever i did, to make them think that i was gunna go somewhere. but i dont think i did a very good job at it. what i want most of all, that could actually come true, is that my mom, my brother, my sister, my family, my friends, could look at me and see everything i've been through, see all the mistakes i've made, and somehow still be able to see something else. i want them to be able to love me for who i am, and what i have become, i want them to be proud, i want to be able to say i have made something for myself. because i have fucked things up to much for them, now all i want, all i could ask for is for them to be happy. i heard that song by micheal buble (SP?) today, i think its called home, and i cried, all icould think about, my 'home' was being back with  my daddy and my family. my home was 7 years ago. ill never get to be home again. i still think about it everyday. and i know if i had made a differant decision, maybe there would be 2 graves at that cemetary, my daddy and me. and maybe there wouldnt have been any. i have been told time and time again, that nothing would have changed had i gone too, that i just need to be thankfull that i didnt go on that flight. And i know its true, but i still cant help but think of, maybe something would have been differant had i gone with him as planned, we would have gone somewhere else, would have crashed somewhere else, and couldve survived. maybe we would have come back earlier, before it could happen, maybe i could have convinced him to stay home. But i didnt. i stayed and he left. he left this world forever. i miss him so much. its so hard. then, o gee lets look at everything after that. i dont know a single person who has gone through that much. and im not ok. and thats ok. i dont expect to be ok. but everyone else does. so i just keep on pretending. and the silly thing is, is that even though i try so fucking hard, some days, the pain shines through and it takes over. and you'll love me up untill that point, untill you see whats under the sheild, and you'll shrink away, you'll slowly back away untill all you are is a memory of the hope that maybe you will be the one. because its true. as soon as someone learns of the pain beneath the smile they bolt. and no one has proved this wrong yet. its funny, in movies and books an stories, there is always some guy, so willing to love, who says i dont care, i love you anyway, and all i want is for you to be happy. but thats not real life. and thats why im so damned scared.

thats barely the tip of the iceberg of my thinkings today, but its to draining to try to talk about it. especially when i dont know who reads this. but its my attempt at trying to explain... i dont know what. good nite
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