Aug 13, 2005 00:32
So
today was intiresting. It was a kinda hard day to get through. i spent
a good amount of time thinking. Thinking is a hard thing for me to do
sometimes. i know that sounds stupid, but i dont mean thinking like
doing math, i mean thinking about things in my life. anyway we will
start from the begining. got up, worked out, came home, showered, went
to cals and the post office, alaina came over for a bit,i was suposed
to go up to tysons party, but i couldnt, so i didnt. so i went to
cals again, then to devs. since i hadnt eaten we then went to canal cuz
i was gunna get some soup, but icecream sounded better. and i didnt
feel like paying that much anyway. then we walked for a lil bit, haha
we saw george. i miss him he's great. then went back to her house
and watched pretty in pink cuz it was in my pile of movies at her house
that i havnt seen yet. anyway. i dont know, it was just one of those
days for me when it takes a bit to get going, to face the light, and
its harder to smile.
but i thought a lot. about everything. and i realized there is so much
that i have never told anyone the way i really feel, what really scares
me, who i really want to be, and how much i wish somethings had never
happened. and i realized why. i spend so much time puttin on this face,
trying so hard to be strong, to not show how much it hurts, to show
that i am ok, when its really killing me. it's so hard for me to fail,
and for people to see me fail at the things that really matter to me. i
cant even explain it, but i want so bad for my mom, my family, my
friends to think im ok, i/they suceeded, i want someone to be proud. i
want to be a person that would make my daddy proud. and im so scared im
not. ever since i can remember i just wanted to make people happy, to
make someone think im good at whatever i did, to make them think that i
was gunna go somewhere. but i dont think i did a very good job at it.
what i want most of all, that could actually come true, is that my mom,
my brother, my sister, my family, my friends, could look at me and see
everything i've been through, see all the mistakes i've made, and
somehow still be able to see something else. i want them to be able to
love me for who i am, and what i have become, i want them to be proud,
i want to be able to say i have made something for myself. because i
have fucked things up to much for them, now all i want, all i could ask
for is for them to be happy. i heard that song by micheal buble (SP?)
today, i think its called home, and i cried, all icould think about, my
'home' was being back with my daddy and my family. my home was 7
years ago. ill never get to be home again. i still think about it
everyday. and i know if i had made a differant decision, maybe there
would be 2 graves at that cemetary, my daddy and me. and maybe there
wouldnt have been any. i have been told time and time again, that
nothing would have changed had i gone too, that i just need to be
thankfull that i didnt go on that flight. And i know its true, but i
still cant help but think of, maybe something would have been differant
had i gone with him as planned, we would have gone somewhere else,
would have crashed somewhere else, and couldve survived. maybe we would
have come back earlier, before it could happen, maybe i could have
convinced him to stay home. But i didnt. i stayed and he left. he left
this world forever. i miss him so much. its so hard. then, o gee lets
look at everything after that. i dont know a single person who has gone
through that much. and im not ok. and thats ok. i dont expect to be ok.
but everyone else does. so i just keep on pretending. and the silly
thing is, is that even though i try so fucking hard, some days, the
pain shines through and it takes over. and you'll love me up untill
that point, untill you see whats under the sheild, and you'll shrink
away, you'll slowly back away untill all you are is a memory of the
hope that maybe you will be the one. because its true. as soon as
someone learns of the pain beneath the smile they bolt. and no one has
proved this wrong yet. its funny, in movies and books an stories, there
is always some guy, so willing to love, who says i dont care, i love
you anyway, and all i want is for you to be happy. but thats not real
life. and thats why im so damned scared.
thats barely the tip of the iceberg of
my thinkings today, but its to draining to try to talk about it.
especially when i dont know who reads this. but its my attempt at
trying to explain... i dont know what. good nite