(no subject)
On the morning of October 22nd, my father had a heart-attack and passed away. It was all very quick and, I believe, almost painless.
We found him between the kitchen and the TV room, lay on his right side with his head resting on his right hand and both his legs close to the other. His face had such serene expression that you couldn't believe that he wasn't just sleeping. That's why I think it was somewhat, if not, painless. Otherwise, he wouldn't be laying like that and with such calm demeanor.
I cannot express in words what this truly extraordinary man means to me. He was not only my father: he was my best friend like no other, the man that loved me the most and, who knows?, the only one who ever will. No one will ever treat me with such respect and kindness, no one will ever care for me like he did. Because with every action and word I could feel his love. He never had the necessity of saying I love you nor did I ever feel the need to hear it; it was always there, with every smile, every silly joke that he so loved to tell,... Really, there are no words. I just need to vent.
I've always dreaded this moment, the time when I'd have to face a parent's death. Nights and more nights I lost sleep thinking about it! And how many times have I planned that I'd kill myself after they were gone? The most common thought was that I'd die naturally, probably choking on my own tears like once I almost did. Yet, I feel absolutely calm. Sometimes blue, yes, but it's a fruit of missing his material presence and I know that'll get less hurtful with time. Many will find it weird that I can't even cry for his death longer than a minute - fact is I don't control it, that's how it goes for my mother and brothers as well.
I still feel him near us, even stronger a presence now. Also, a quiet and gentle revolution started inside of me the moment I saw myself alone with his body at the morgue. It's as if I automatically inherited his strength and compassion to carry on. With that I was able to see things more clearly, solve part of the problems that had me all tangled up for years. It only saddens me that I won't have him near me to HUG and learn what he thinks of the steps I'm taking. Mostly, I terribly miss hugging my father.
I wonder if, without all this, would I have learned that death is not to be feared and it's not a punishment? I don't know, guess I would be hugging him like I always used to but still taking for granted the most valuable lesson he ever taught me in life. He'd be here for all the hugs I could give in a day, but he'd be suffering with his heart disease, taking all those pills, feeling the pains that comes with it, having to endure hardships that all of us must face on this planet, ... Now he doesn't and I'm finally comprehending what all his advices and attitudes meant. I can't bring him from the dead and, even if I could, I wouldn't. He deserves peace - peace and quiet he adored so much.
I'm still right here. And I'll make the best of it taking from his great example. My username on LJ does not represent me anymore: I'm no longer empty nor was I ever.
When the time comes, I'm certain I can hug him again. :)
We found him between the kitchen and the TV room, lay on his right side with his head resting on his right hand and both his legs close to the other. His face had such serene expression that you couldn't believe that he wasn't just sleeping. That's why I think it was somewhat, if not, painless. Otherwise, he wouldn't be laying like that and with such calm demeanor.
I cannot express in words what this truly extraordinary man means to me. He was not only my father: he was my best friend like no other, the man that loved me the most and, who knows?, the only one who ever will. No one will ever treat me with such respect and kindness, no one will ever care for me like he did. Because with every action and word I could feel his love. He never had the necessity of saying I love you nor did I ever feel the need to hear it; it was always there, with every smile, every silly joke that he so loved to tell,... Really, there are no words. I just need to vent.
I've always dreaded this moment, the time when I'd have to face a parent's death. Nights and more nights I lost sleep thinking about it! And how many times have I planned that I'd kill myself after they were gone? The most common thought was that I'd die naturally, probably choking on my own tears like once I almost did. Yet, I feel absolutely calm. Sometimes blue, yes, but it's a fruit of missing his material presence and I know that'll get less hurtful with time. Many will find it weird that I can't even cry for his death longer than a minute - fact is I don't control it, that's how it goes for my mother and brothers as well.
I still feel him near us, even stronger a presence now. Also, a quiet and gentle revolution started inside of me the moment I saw myself alone with his body at the morgue. It's as if I automatically inherited his strength and compassion to carry on. With that I was able to see things more clearly, solve part of the problems that had me all tangled up for years. It only saddens me that I won't have him near me to HUG and learn what he thinks of the steps I'm taking. Mostly, I terribly miss hugging my father.
I wonder if, without all this, would I have learned that death is not to be feared and it's not a punishment? I don't know, guess I would be hugging him like I always used to but still taking for granted the most valuable lesson he ever taught me in life. He'd be here for all the hugs I could give in a day, but he'd be suffering with his heart disease, taking all those pills, feeling the pains that comes with it, having to endure hardships that all of us must face on this planet, ... Now he doesn't and I'm finally comprehending what all his advices and attitudes meant. I can't bring him from the dead and, even if I could, I wouldn't. He deserves peace - peace and quiet he adored so much.
I'm still right here. And I'll make the best of it taking from his great example. My username on LJ does not represent me anymore: I'm no longer empty nor was I ever.
When the time comes, I'm certain I can hug him again. :)