!!
pet peeve: when figures of authority use their given powers make you out to be something youre not.
yep... THE WORST thing is that.--- i cried in school today for the first time since the sixth grade. I LITERALLY remember crying in sixth grade one day because i got a 64 on a math quiz. hah. Juan asked me what was wrong, so i was rattling my brain for something cryworthy to say because i thought saying 'i got a bad grade in math' sounded too lame. haha.
anyway yeah, i wasnt really sad or sorry or anything.. i was just so FRUSTRATED. i couldnt do anything to help my situation, and for the first time in literally years, i felt powerless. Ugh.. what an ugly feeling.
i duno.. today has just been the worst day.. i mean
i wasnt super upset about a whole lot, its just that the bad things that happened seemed to make a real name for themselves today. Alot of unnecesary dillemas.
i just hate that the whole thing was blown out of porportion..
DeCordova was surprisingly nice. I learned that there are different types of artists in the world--that theyre not all just intellectual sensitive beings that can only channel their emotions into art. I really thought they were all softies who only had art as a way to express themselves, rendering art to be a gateway to their soul... but today proved me otherwise. Here was just some guy who thought the shapes looked cool. They didnt represent him. They werent a part of him, he just appreciated them. It was very interesting. I would not want to be a cold artist, but hey whatever cooks ur muffins right?
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iVE always had this vision of friends.. that people who are friendly with you are that particular way because they enjoy youre company and truly LIKE spending time with you, so you can see how confused i might be when people ACT friendly with you, and then you realize they have had no intention of pursuing this friendship with you, so you feel pathetic, going after a lost. NOw, its not really anyone in particular, but everyone all at once. I see it in alot of people... this ingenuinity... i dont like it.
Ashley came to my house at eleven oclock (pm) today. Something that is NEVER appropriate... what is WRONG with you? especially after i was obviously excluded from this uberfun girls night which im not that effected by my uninvite, its just the principle really...
now.. i know this may sound particularly harsh, but you MUST take into consideration... what if i were sleeping? what if my FAMILY was sleeping?... you have no right to come into my house at that hour, ESPECIALLY since its been literally MONTHS since youve stepped foot within a 75 yard radius OF my house. Its a delicate situation, you cannot just BARGE into it like the last few months havent even HAPPENED. if its by CHANCE slipped youre mind, YOU HATED ME AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR! AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHYYYYY!!! YOU WOULD conspire AGAINST ME, AND AS SOON AS PEOPLE WERENT FEEDING INTO THE WHOLE 'LETS HATE IRENE CLUB', you shoved it up ur ass and completely pulled a 180.
NO NO NO!
PERHAPS im just bitter because i realized today that her coming to get that movie from me is exactly what i hated about our friendship in the first place. That one movie probably means more to her than my friendship to her ever could--and those that know ashley will PROBABLY back me up on that whole-heartedly.
I thought that by some token, her not caring about the movie might prove her to be a semi-adequate friend... after all, how many of jess's belongings do i have? how many of mine does she have?(i mean, even today she said 'why do you care so much about the stupid movie, just give it to her, ill get it for christmas and you can just take it from me')... its really not a big deal, and although i understand we may not be 'belonging' people... it still shows for something.
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This post is surprisingly candid. i SIMPLY dont care anymore. i dont care for not saying things, i want my relationships with people to be based on honesty... i want them to be raw and REAL. im sick of pretending. thats all i did was pretend before. i PRETENDED that my friends really did care for me, and although those closest to me did, there were those that were simply looking for a double date. Again, im sorry for being so crude--im JUST being honest. You can respond to it as you like, but for once in youre life, STOP BEING FAKE. its wearing out, dont you think?
anyway...
i left kelly a message.. i duno what shes gona do. I told her i cant come in at nine tomorrow... i really dont know what shes gona do.
wow... i feel so relieved! its really nice to get things off your chest.
cherio everybody! i said it to john and ill say it again
'the unexamined life is not worth living'
yep... THE WORST thing is that.--- i cried in school today for the first time since the sixth grade. I LITERALLY remember crying in sixth grade one day because i got a 64 on a math quiz. hah. Juan asked me what was wrong, so i was rattling my brain for something cryworthy to say because i thought saying 'i got a bad grade in math' sounded too lame. haha.
anyway yeah, i wasnt really sad or sorry or anything.. i was just so FRUSTRATED. i couldnt do anything to help my situation, and for the first time in literally years, i felt powerless. Ugh.. what an ugly feeling.
i duno.. today has just been the worst day.. i mean
i wasnt super upset about a whole lot, its just that the bad things that happened seemed to make a real name for themselves today. Alot of unnecesary dillemas.
i just hate that the whole thing was blown out of porportion..
DeCordova was surprisingly nice. I learned that there are different types of artists in the world--that theyre not all just intellectual sensitive beings that can only channel their emotions into art. I really thought they were all softies who only had art as a way to express themselves, rendering art to be a gateway to their soul... but today proved me otherwise. Here was just some guy who thought the shapes looked cool. They didnt represent him. They werent a part of him, he just appreciated them. It was very interesting. I would not want to be a cold artist, but hey whatever cooks ur muffins right?
_________________________________________________________________________
iVE always had this vision of friends.. that people who are friendly with you are that particular way because they enjoy youre company and truly LIKE spending time with you, so you can see how confused i might be when people ACT friendly with you, and then you realize they have had no intention of pursuing this friendship with you, so you feel pathetic, going after a lost. NOw, its not really anyone in particular, but everyone all at once. I see it in alot of people... this ingenuinity... i dont like it.
Ashley came to my house at eleven oclock (pm) today. Something that is NEVER appropriate... what is WRONG with you? especially after i was obviously excluded from this uberfun girls night which im not that effected by my uninvite, its just the principle really...
now.. i know this may sound particularly harsh, but you MUST take into consideration... what if i were sleeping? what if my FAMILY was sleeping?... you have no right to come into my house at that hour, ESPECIALLY since its been literally MONTHS since youve stepped foot within a 75 yard radius OF my house. Its a delicate situation, you cannot just BARGE into it like the last few months havent even HAPPENED. if its by CHANCE slipped youre mind, YOU HATED ME AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR! AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHYYYYY!!! YOU WOULD conspire AGAINST ME, AND AS SOON AS PEOPLE WERENT FEEDING INTO THE WHOLE 'LETS HATE IRENE CLUB', you shoved it up ur ass and completely pulled a 180.
NO NO NO!
PERHAPS im just bitter because i realized today that her coming to get that movie from me is exactly what i hated about our friendship in the first place. That one movie probably means more to her than my friendship to her ever could--and those that know ashley will PROBABLY back me up on that whole-heartedly.
I thought that by some token, her not caring about the movie might prove her to be a semi-adequate friend... after all, how many of jess's belongings do i have? how many of mine does she have?(i mean, even today she said 'why do you care so much about the stupid movie, just give it to her, ill get it for christmas and you can just take it from me')... its really not a big deal, and although i understand we may not be 'belonging' people... it still shows for something.
______________________________________________________________________________
This post is surprisingly candid. i SIMPLY dont care anymore. i dont care for not saying things, i want my relationships with people to be based on honesty... i want them to be raw and REAL. im sick of pretending. thats all i did was pretend before. i PRETENDED that my friends really did care for me, and although those closest to me did, there were those that were simply looking for a double date. Again, im sorry for being so crude--im JUST being honest. You can respond to it as you like, but for once in youre life, STOP BEING FAKE. its wearing out, dont you think?
anyway...
i left kelly a message.. i duno what shes gona do. I told her i cant come in at nine tomorrow... i really dont know what shes gona do.
wow... i feel so relieved! its really nice to get things off your chest.
cherio everybody! i said it to john and ill say it again
'the unexamined life is not worth living'