Socialising age groups
Big Bang you inspired me to self-reflect again. Why? *ponders* Hopefully it'll make sense. I got the idea from watching Intimate Note.
I think it was G-Dragon who said Seungri wasn't used to being the Maknae because he has always been near the oldest in his family and that the other four are all younger siblings. It just struck me as fascinating and caused me to reflect on how I see myself in my lack of social circles IRL.
I'm a younger sibling like Taeyang, Daesung, GD and TOP and I've always been accustomed to being in atmospheres where I'm the youngest, or near the youngest member of the group. Even at work. My first job after graduation, I was near the youngest. The colleagues were mostly 1-3 years older than me. I treated the guys as nothing more than older brothers. Then years later while I'm at another company suddenly I'm near the oldest and all these university students and expats started temping for a few months before escaping. I've always felt weird when I'm surrounded by people who are younger. It's like I don't fit in at all. But wouldn't that be the same if I was surrounded by OAPs or colleagues who are at least 20 years my senior? Come to think of it, because of fandom fears, I don't fit in any clique at all.
You put me with my younger cousins and I briefly panic. I'm expected to be the responsible one, the person who knows everything about the world. Honestly that's impossible to do because I hardly know a thing and I think it either shocks people or disgusts them when they realise I am not as smart about reality. I'm not faking my intelligence if that is what they think. I just don't keep up with people as much as I should and this is a huge problem on my part. I never bullshit about myself which wouldn't do well for job interviews if I can't sell my skills. Why BS dramatically when I have nothing to brag about? I don't work in a bank, I don't earn £30k pa and I don't own any Prada clothes. I seriously doubt my "I used to like Kino Makoto a lot. She was my fanfic muse" would be any good. How can I compete with "oh I am the top lawyer in England right now and I earn £200K+ at so and so law firm?"
In a circle of younger, intelligent folk my discomfort can reach its peak if they know a lot more things than me. They have the energy to fangirl. They can absorb their passions more easily and use it for work and already knew from the get go what they wanted to do and *sometimes* brag about it. I had none of that and that's what makes me sad if not envious. I suppose in some way this hinders any chance of me having a relationship, especially if that guy is younger and more knowledgeable about life (so technically he'd be a dong saeng/didi but with an Oppa/Da Ge heart when next to me). With an older guy it might put him off being near me if he found out how klutzy and Tsundere I can be.
To tell you the truth I think my natural 'maknae' vibe makes me naturally want a potential other who is older or at least the same age as me. I just feel more comfortable around older men - not too old of course ugh. I also don't want to tread into 'needy girl' territory because that would make me hate myself even more, which then leads me to friendship and commitment phobia.
I think it was G-Dragon who said Seungri wasn't used to being the Maknae because he has always been near the oldest in his family and that the other four are all younger siblings. It just struck me as fascinating and caused me to reflect on how I see myself in my lack of social circles IRL.
I'm a younger sibling like Taeyang, Daesung, GD and TOP and I've always been accustomed to being in atmospheres where I'm the youngest, or near the youngest member of the group. Even at work. My first job after graduation, I was near the youngest. The colleagues were mostly 1-3 years older than me. I treated the guys as nothing more than older brothers. Then years later while I'm at another company suddenly I'm near the oldest and all these university students and expats started temping for a few months before escaping. I've always felt weird when I'm surrounded by people who are younger. It's like I don't fit in at all. But wouldn't that be the same if I was surrounded by OAPs or colleagues who are at least 20 years my senior? Come to think of it, because of fandom fears, I don't fit in any clique at all.
You put me with my younger cousins and I briefly panic. I'm expected to be the responsible one, the person who knows everything about the world. Honestly that's impossible to do because I hardly know a thing and I think it either shocks people or disgusts them when they realise I am not as smart about reality. I'm not faking my intelligence if that is what they think. I just don't keep up with people as much as I should and this is a huge problem on my part. I never bullshit about myself which wouldn't do well for job interviews if I can't sell my skills. Why BS dramatically when I have nothing to brag about? I don't work in a bank, I don't earn £30k pa and I don't own any Prada clothes. I seriously doubt my "I used to like Kino Makoto a lot. She was my fanfic muse" would be any good. How can I compete with "oh I am the top lawyer in England right now and I earn £200K+ at so and so law firm?"
In a circle of younger, intelligent folk my discomfort can reach its peak if they know a lot more things than me. They have the energy to fangirl. They can absorb their passions more easily and use it for work and already knew from the get go what they wanted to do and *sometimes* brag about it. I had none of that and that's what makes me sad if not envious. I suppose in some way this hinders any chance of me having a relationship, especially if that guy is younger and more knowledgeable about life (so technically he'd be a dong saeng/didi but with an Oppa/Da Ge heart when next to me). With an older guy it might put him off being near me if he found out how klutzy and Tsundere I can be.
To tell you the truth I think my natural 'maknae' vibe makes me naturally want a potential other who is older or at least the same age as me. I just feel more comfortable around older men - not too old of course ugh. I also don't want to tread into 'needy girl' territory because that would make me hate myself even more, which then leads me to friendship and commitment phobia.