P.N. Elrod's special brand of Christmas magic
Through the magic of literary time travel we return to 1938 Chicago, swooping in on the star of The Vampire Files, undead private eye Jack Fleming. He’s just come down to the lobby of his swank nightclub when girlfriend Bobbi Smythe bursts in. Eyes bright, she’s hatted, gloved, and in a hurry.
Bobbi: Jack, come on!
Fleming: But I just got up.
Bobbi: It’s not like you need coffee.
Fleming: I need something else, sweetheart. Maybe you’d like to… (Canoodling sounds ensue, followed by Bobbi’s giggling.) …have a little chase around the Christmas tree?
Bobbi: Later, big boy. We have to get moving while the stores are still open.
Fleming: We’re shopping?
Bobbi: We’re Christmas shopping. It’s special!
Fleming: I don’t have to actually shop, do I? Just carry stuff?
Bobbi: That’s right.
Fleming: No problem.
Bobbi: First we’ll go to Marshall Field on Lake Street-
(Loud pounding on the front door of the club.)
Fleming: It’s a hit! Get down!
Bobbi: Stop that, it’s just your biographer, Pat Elrod.
Fleming: Like I said, get down!
Bobbi: Knock it off and behave. She went to a lot of trouble to travel back for a visit. Try to get along with her, okay? Please?
Fleming: For you, honey, anything.
Bobbi: Good!
Fleming: But I’m not carrying her stuff.
(P.N. Elrod pushes through the door.)
P. N. Elrod: Hey, Fleming! How’s it going?
Fleming: How’s what going?
Bobbi: That’s how people say hello in the 21st century.
Fleming: Oh, okay. It’s going to-uh-Marshall Field?
Elrod: Huh?
Fleming: What do I know from the 21st century? This is 1938-what’s left of it.
Elrod: Times change, brother. For instance, Marshall Field isn’t there in my time. It’s a bookstore.
Fleming: They use that huge building just to sell books?
Elrod: Isn’t it great? More books than you can shake a machine gun at. Hardcovers, mass-market paperbacks, trade paperbacks-
Fleming: Trade what?
Elrod: Like hardcovers, but cheaper, only ten to fifteen dollars.
Fleming: That’s a week’s pay for most people! The most expensive book I ever got cost three bucks!
Elrod: I bet it was hardcover, too. Where I’m from you can’t get a paperback for three bucks unless it’s used. Inflation sucks, but it’s good that paperbacks caught on.
Bobbi: I remember they only used to sell those at Woolworths. Now they’re all over the place.
Elrod: Which is great for us! Still, it’d be neat if I could go to Chicago in my time and do a signing in the old Marshall Fields building. You guys should come.
Bobbi: We’d love to!
Fleming: If you’re signing a Vampire Files book, then we can’t help but be there. I mean, without us, you wouldn’t be-
Bobbi: (warningly) Jack…
Fleming: -almost famous.
Bobbi: Jack!
Elrod: Don’t worry about it, Bobbi. This guy cracks me up. I’ll return the favor in the next book. (Narrows eyes ominously at Fleming.) Count on it.
Fleming: Now just a minute, Elrod-
Bobbi: (Interrupting) What do you think of the club’s Christmas lights, Pat?
Elrod: I love ’em! I bet they don’t go up until after Thanksgiving, either. Where I’m from the stores set out the Christmas stuff before Halloween.
Bobbi: You’re kidding!
Elrod: Sadly, no. That’s why I love coming back to the 30s. Sure, you’ve got the Depression and other bad things going on, but this is a restful haven. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Fleming: (outraged) Restful haven!? After what you did to me in the latest book?
Elrod: Conflict, conflict, conflict! Readers love it!
Fleming: I have to live it! Or try to. You don’t make it easy, y’know.
Elrod: Hey, you did all right in that story in Strange Brew. You’re a tough guy. Deal.
Fleming: I’ll deal with you, ya dizzy dame. Why I oughta-
Bobbi: Jack, you promised!
(The lights go out.)
Elrod: Oh, now that’s cool. Myrna? Is that you?
(The lights come on.)
Elrod: I’ve been wanting to meet you! I’m just sorry the conversation has to be so one-sided. I bet you have all the dish on what goes on here!
Fleming: You know about Myrna the ghost?
Elrod: Of course I do! She’s famous. People love you, Myrna. Keep up the good work.
(The light behind the bar flickers).
Bobbi: I think she likes you, Pat.
Elrod: Hey, what’s not to like?
(Fleming starts to speak; Bobbi kicks his ankle.)
Fleming: Ow! Uh-uhhh….Pat! Would you like some eggnog?
Elrod: I’d love some, thank you!
(Fleming grunts and limps off.)
Elrod: (Rounding on Bobbi.) You are bad, girl. Just bad!
Bobbi: And that’s a good thing in your time, right?
Elrod: Oh, hell, yes. Girl power!
(The lights flicker.)
Bobbi: It’s unanimous!
Bobbi: Jack, come on!
Fleming: But I just got up.
Bobbi: It’s not like you need coffee.
Fleming: I need something else, sweetheart. Maybe you’d like to… (Canoodling sounds ensue, followed by Bobbi’s giggling.) …have a little chase around the Christmas tree?
Bobbi: Later, big boy. We have to get moving while the stores are still open.
Fleming: We’re shopping?
Bobbi: We’re Christmas shopping. It’s special!
Fleming: I don’t have to actually shop, do I? Just carry stuff?
Bobbi: That’s right.
Fleming: No problem.
Bobbi: First we’ll go to Marshall Field on Lake Street-
(Loud pounding on the front door of the club.)
Fleming: It’s a hit! Get down!
Bobbi: Stop that, it’s just your biographer, Pat Elrod.
Fleming: Like I said, get down!
Bobbi: Knock it off and behave. She went to a lot of trouble to travel back for a visit. Try to get along with her, okay? Please?
Fleming: For you, honey, anything.
Bobbi: Good!
Fleming: But I’m not carrying her stuff.
(P.N. Elrod pushes through the door.)
P. N. Elrod: Hey, Fleming! How’s it going?
Fleming: How’s what going?
Bobbi: That’s how people say hello in the 21st century.
Fleming: Oh, okay. It’s going to-uh-Marshall Field?
Elrod: Huh?
Fleming: What do I know from the 21st century? This is 1938-what’s left of it.
Elrod: Times change, brother. For instance, Marshall Field isn’t there in my time. It’s a bookstore.
Fleming: They use that huge building just to sell books?
Elrod: Isn’t it great? More books than you can shake a machine gun at. Hardcovers, mass-market paperbacks, trade paperbacks-
Fleming: Trade what?
Elrod: Like hardcovers, but cheaper, only ten to fifteen dollars.
Fleming: That’s a week’s pay for most people! The most expensive book I ever got cost three bucks!
Elrod: I bet it was hardcover, too. Where I’m from you can’t get a paperback for three bucks unless it’s used. Inflation sucks, but it’s good that paperbacks caught on.
Bobbi: I remember they only used to sell those at Woolworths. Now they’re all over the place.
Elrod: Which is great for us! Still, it’d be neat if I could go to Chicago in my time and do a signing in the old Marshall Fields building. You guys should come.
Bobbi: We’d love to!
Fleming: If you’re signing a Vampire Files book, then we can’t help but be there. I mean, without us, you wouldn’t be-
Bobbi: (warningly) Jack…
Fleming: -almost famous.
Bobbi: Jack!
Elrod: Don’t worry about it, Bobbi. This guy cracks me up. I’ll return the favor in the next book. (Narrows eyes ominously at Fleming.) Count on it.
Fleming: Now just a minute, Elrod-
Bobbi: (Interrupting) What do you think of the club’s Christmas lights, Pat?
Elrod: I love ’em! I bet they don’t go up until after Thanksgiving, either. Where I’m from the stores set out the Christmas stuff before Halloween.
Bobbi: You’re kidding!
Elrod: Sadly, no. That’s why I love coming back to the 30s. Sure, you’ve got the Depression and other bad things going on, but this is a restful haven. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Fleming: (outraged) Restful haven!? After what you did to me in the latest book?
Elrod: Conflict, conflict, conflict! Readers love it!
Fleming: I have to live it! Or try to. You don’t make it easy, y’know.
Elrod: Hey, you did all right in that story in Strange Brew. You’re a tough guy. Deal.
Fleming: I’ll deal with you, ya dizzy dame. Why I oughta-
Bobbi: Jack, you promised!
(The lights go out.)
Elrod: Oh, now that’s cool. Myrna? Is that you?
(The lights come on.)
Elrod: I’ve been wanting to meet you! I’m just sorry the conversation has to be so one-sided. I bet you have all the dish on what goes on here!
Fleming: You know about Myrna the ghost?
Elrod: Of course I do! She’s famous. People love you, Myrna. Keep up the good work.
(The light behind the bar flickers).
Bobbi: I think she likes you, Pat.
Elrod: Hey, what’s not to like?
(Fleming starts to speak; Bobbi kicks his ankle.)
Fleming: Ow! Uh-uhhh….Pat! Would you like some eggnog?
Elrod: I’d love some, thank you!
(Fleming grunts and limps off.)
Elrod: (Rounding on Bobbi.) You are bad, girl. Just bad!
Bobbi: And that’s a good thing in your time, right?
Elrod: Oh, hell, yes. Girl power!
(The lights flicker.)
Bobbi: It’s unanimous!