Bus riding fundamentals ..
It dawned on me that a lot of people now-a-days are unsure of how to efficiently use public transport - more specifically: buses.
It is for this reason that I have put together a brief list of rules or fundamentals that everyone can follow when traveling on a bus. Stick to these and it is less likely you will look like the moron that you secretly are.
Step one.
Try to follow the thirty-odd signs on the bus that tell you not to put your arm(s) (or body parts in general) out the window. I know how appealing it is to be rebellious and do the opposite of what the warnings tell you - but seriously - try to at least prove everyone wrong by acting slightly intelligent and just keep your fucking limbs within the vehicle.
Step two.
If there is an empty seat on the bus, always sit in it, as opposed to sitting next to someone you do not know. Likewise; if you are forced to sit next to a stranger, as soon as there is another completely vacant seat - move to it right away. The person were sitting next to will not feel betrayed that you have taken the first opportunity to have a whole seat to yourself - on the contrary - they will be overjoyed you have fucked off somewhere else and they can finally have that well-needed slouching room.
Step three.
If you are talking on the phone while on the bus, keep your voice down. I can guarantee you that no one cares about hearing your bullshit one-sided conversation - similarly - the person you are talking to on the phone will definitely not appreciate your incessant yelling. Use some common sense and volume control.
Step four.
If you are involved in a text message conversation via your phone while on the bus, do everyone a favor and turn your cell/mobile off the loud setting. That way whenever you get that message you expected you won’t be subjecting the entire bus to the loud annoying, long message alert tone that is completely unnecessary.
Step five.
Never give up your seat for old people. In the event of a catastrophic accident; it is likely that the people who are standing up will be the first to die, and the passengers sitting down will have a much better chance of survival. Therefore, using simple logic, it is more efficient if the old people are the ones to die. They have little left to accomplish, their lives are somewhat obsolete in comparison to anyone remotely younger. Once you get your head around that fact, the world will start being a better place.
Step six.
If you’re old and have a seat - stand up and make way for the younger passengers. See Step five for an explanation of why to do this.
As stated earlier - follow these simple steps and it is quite likely that you will have an enjoyable bus-ride, as will your fellow passengers. Do something different or opposite to this checklist and you’ll likely find yourself stabbed and dying in the gutter shortly after getting off the bus.
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