Eurydice and Evander: "Left and Leaving"
Evander is home for the first time in months. He arrived shortly before his birthday, November 20th, and had not announced a date for his departure. It seemed likely that he would stay this time...
On January 12th, his triplet, Tantalus, makes his most serious suicide attempt to date, but Eve stops him before he goes too far. Despite being the strongest and most independent of anyone in his family, Eve can't deal with seeing his brother in such a condition. As soon as she hears this (though I can't imagine how, as he didn't tell anyone), his other triplet, Eurydice (also known as E; a Suicide Girl and hardcore gold digger) confronts him in their mother's kitchen.
E. So what's all this about leaving, mister?
Eve. You know I can't stick around here.
E. I know you don't want to. I'm pretty sure you can.
Eve. This place is the king of all nightmares.
E. I thought that was Alice Cooper.
Eve. Might be. But so's this. You mean you never wanted to blow this joint and never look back?
E. All the time, baby, all the time, but I'm not going to ride off into the sunset. I'm going with a purpose. And I'll write home, and you'll all know I'm okay, and I'll send videos and -
Eve. Because Mom really wants to see your videos.
E. I bet she would.
Eve. She wouldn't even have any idea what she's watching. She probably wouldn't even know it was you.
E. I look like me!
Eve. Okay, it worries me that you're using the present tense...
E. What do you think those fishnets and heels are for?
Eve. Tant.
E. Oh that was a good one.
Eve. High five.
E. Yesssssss!
Eve. Don't do this, E. You are so smart and so funny, you could do so much better than opening your legs for a living.
E. I am not becoming a prostitute!
Eve. You're becoming a high-tech prostitute, I'm not sure if that's better or worse.
E. I get paid, buddy.
Eve. So do I. Legitimately.
E. I'm on a payroll too! It's not like I pluck the leaves out of lonely old men's wallets. I have to wait for them to give it to me for being a good girl.
Eve. You worry me.
E. I'm legit too, alright? Pinups and porn stars work hard.
Eve. So do chopper mechanics.
E. I have a penis drawn on my arm.
Eve. ...that's fascinating.
E. Arie did it at lunch.
Eve. I bet you're proud of yourself.
E. I am. Now mine is as big as yours.
Eve. HEY.
E. Don't go. Not again. After this disaster, it would be really nice to have a man around the house.
Eve. As though you're here enough to care.
E. Mom needs you.
Eve. Well, isn't Tant around? Can't he kill spiders for her?
E. ...I said, 'it would be really nice to have a man around the house.'
Eve. Hence the heels.... I got it...
E. As long as we're not here, that fridge is not gonna get replaced. Pip's mattress is not going to get rotated every two weeks. And you know what else?
Eve. What else.
E. No one's going to pick Mom up off the floor and prop her up on the couch for the Tonight Show.
Eve. We'll just... install seat belts.
E. ...I gotta write that down. We gotta send that into that show. Couch seat belts. For the chronically drugged. Also retards and children.
Eve. And you know what else?
E. What else~
Eve. When I turn that thing into a drag racer.
E. OMIGOD CAN I PILOT IT.
Eve. ...why, yes. You can be the... drag couch pilot.
E. Correction! Tranny couch pilot.
Eve. So I just heard 'tranny cooch pirate' and actually became interested in this conversation.
E. You are so gross.
Eve. Eury.
E. What.
Eve. Listen to me.
E. What.
Eve. You have problems.
E. I AM THE ONLY NORMAL ONE HERE.
Eve. Correction, I am the only normal one here. You're still a tranny pirate.
E. That I am, Eve. That I am. Is there a problem with this? Is this not normal? Because I can take you.
Eve. Where are you going to take me?
E. I'm going to seat belt you to the couch so you don't go anywhere at all.
Eve. You're really on about this, aren't you? I didn't know you cared.
E. I don't. But this is what's best.
Eve. Come on. You are human under all that hairspray, aren't you~
E. ...maybe a little.
On January 12th, his triplet, Tantalus, makes his most serious suicide attempt to date, but Eve stops him before he goes too far. Despite being the strongest and most independent of anyone in his family, Eve can't deal with seeing his brother in such a condition. As soon as she hears this (though I can't imagine how, as he didn't tell anyone), his other triplet, Eurydice (also known as E; a Suicide Girl and hardcore gold digger) confronts him in their mother's kitchen.
E. So what's all this about leaving, mister?
Eve. You know I can't stick around here.
E. I know you don't want to. I'm pretty sure you can.
Eve. This place is the king of all nightmares.
E. I thought that was Alice Cooper.
Eve. Might be. But so's this. You mean you never wanted to blow this joint and never look back?
E. All the time, baby, all the time, but I'm not going to ride off into the sunset. I'm going with a purpose. And I'll write home, and you'll all know I'm okay, and I'll send videos and -
Eve. Because Mom really wants to see your videos.
E. I bet she would.
Eve. She wouldn't even have any idea what she's watching. She probably wouldn't even know it was you.
E. I look like me!
Eve. Okay, it worries me that you're using the present tense...
E. What do you think those fishnets and heels are for?
Eve. Tant.
E. Oh that was a good one.
Eve. High five.
E. Yesssssss!
Eve. Don't do this, E. You are so smart and so funny, you could do so much better than opening your legs for a living.
E. I am not becoming a prostitute!
Eve. You're becoming a high-tech prostitute, I'm not sure if that's better or worse.
E. I get paid, buddy.
Eve. So do I. Legitimately.
E. I'm on a payroll too! It's not like I pluck the leaves out of lonely old men's wallets. I have to wait for them to give it to me for being a good girl.
Eve. You worry me.
E. I'm legit too, alright? Pinups and porn stars work hard.
Eve. So do chopper mechanics.
E. I have a penis drawn on my arm.
Eve. ...that's fascinating.
E. Arie did it at lunch.
Eve. I bet you're proud of yourself.
E. I am. Now mine is as big as yours.
Eve. HEY.
E. Don't go. Not again. After this disaster, it would be really nice to have a man around the house.
Eve. As though you're here enough to care.
E. Mom needs you.
Eve. Well, isn't Tant around? Can't he kill spiders for her?
E. ...I said, 'it would be really nice to have a man around the house.'
Eve. Hence the heels.... I got it...
E. As long as we're not here, that fridge is not gonna get replaced. Pip's mattress is not going to get rotated every two weeks. And you know what else?
Eve. What else.
E. No one's going to pick Mom up off the floor and prop her up on the couch for the Tonight Show.
Eve. We'll just... install seat belts.
E. ...I gotta write that down. We gotta send that into that show. Couch seat belts. For the chronically drugged. Also retards and children.
Eve. And you know what else?
E. What else~
Eve. When I turn that thing into a drag racer.
E. OMIGOD CAN I PILOT IT.
Eve. ...why, yes. You can be the... drag couch pilot.
E. Correction! Tranny couch pilot.
Eve. So I just heard 'tranny cooch pirate' and actually became interested in this conversation.
E. You are so gross.
Eve. Eury.
E. What.
Eve. Listen to me.
E. What.
Eve. You have problems.
E. I AM THE ONLY NORMAL ONE HERE.
Eve. Correction, I am the only normal one here. You're still a tranny pirate.
E. That I am, Eve. That I am. Is there a problem with this? Is this not normal? Because I can take you.
Eve. Where are you going to take me?
E. I'm going to seat belt you to the couch so you don't go anywhere at all.
Eve. You're really on about this, aren't you? I didn't know you cared.
E. I don't. But this is what's best.
Eve. Come on. You are human under all that hairspray, aren't you~
E. ...maybe a little.