Confirmation 2 Retreat [and a Prayer Request]
So here I sit - wearing an authentic 100% lambswool Scottish scarf (*Scottish accent* Och! Aye!) from my Granny in South Africa (she's originally Scottish), my fedora, a long sleeve shirt, and jeans... On my neck - besides the scarf, one of Lori's puka shell necklaces. On my wrists - 5 items; 1) Watch 2) South-African elephant hair bracelet - whose twin is owned by Lori (I gave it to her) 3-5) bracelets from the retreat. They read, "T.Y.G. Thank You God!" "W.W.J.D. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?" and "P.U.S.H."
They're actually very cool bracelets- I like them a lot.
The retreat was AMAZING! I loved it... the theme was I AM. *takes off scarf* But before I start - I've been thinking a lot lately about becoming a priest. So I've been praying on it - asking God to help me understand if it's my calling, (now there are ups and downs to this for me... I'll discuss them later) but I also asked that I might see or hear some sort of sign during my retreat, which would serve as some sort of hint as to whether or not my vocation is one in the priesthood. So, back to the retreat - it started Friday night at 7:00 at a place called the De Paul Retreat Center in Montebello. When I got there, the first thing I found out was that it wasn't always a retreat center. Up until the mid-eighties, it was ... a Seminary! So I'm already psyched, and then I find out that I'm in a location where hundreds, maybe thousands of young and old men became priests. That to me was a sign, but not good enough... I think the sign is going to be inside me. Anyway, so now I'm pumped. Our rooms smelt like benediction (insence used in our church) so I think the rooms were blessed before we got there. We weren't allowed to bring cell phones or watches, homework or books (other than the Bible), so we were "on God's time," according to Rudy. That's awesome too! We were split into groups - I had Sean Thomas in my group (he lives with Lori's family - he's like part of the family), and we're good friends, so that was awesome. Now, for the first day, just that night, we basically just did some ice breakers, worship music, stuff of that sort. We went to bed around 2am. Jeeze.
The next morning, which started at 7am, I was surprised that I didn't run out of hot water in the shower, (the boiler must be HUGE to have enough water for the whole guys' dorm, and the whole girls' dorm and not run out!) and after that, I went down to the meeting room. Not everybody was down yet, but Sean and I had gone down together, so we were talking, when Alden showed up and told me that I should go talk to Lori, because she hurt her head, by walking into a steel door. So I asked if he was kidding (kind of hard to believe - she doesn't do that very often) and he said no. I exchanged looks with Sean and we both went over to see her. So we sat next to her, (Sean in front, me next to) and apparently she walked around one open door and immediately hit another one. So, she was paying attention, but there were 2 doors there and so it happened that she hit one... Now, her brow ridge was a bit swollen, and she had ice and a headache, was laying down, and thought she looked terrible because of the swelling. So I told her she looked fine as usual and then we all went to breakfast.
FAST FORWARD about 5 HOURS
We got to go to confession (which was great - I got to get some stuff off my chest that had been there for years) and after that there was more praise and worship. . . .
Now we're at break. I'm walking around the Seminary (erm... Retreat Center) and I happened to spot a large sign on a wall that read "MEDITATION AREA." I think to myself Yes! A Meditation Area! Perfect! and I head down the pathway. There were some trees, a clearing with a wooden kneeler in front of a statue of Mary, and some rose bushes. I went and prayed with Mary, picked Her a rose and replaced some of Her dead flowers (which were near her feet) and said goodbye. I went and got Lori and our new friend Angela, and we walked around the Meditation Area climbing the trees and having fun.
LATER
Back in the Meditation Area, at the next break. I walk out there, after having retrieved my Bible and Rosary, and notice Lori, Angela, and Rachel climbing our tree, and people in the other 2 trees (they were all huge) so I chose a small tree, kind of far from all 3 trees, sat down in the dirt, said a short prayer, and began to read the Gospel of John. I got through a couple chapters before Rudy and his girlfriend showed up (she recently announced that she is converting from Baptist to Catholic! Woohoo! Congratulations Andrea! Welcome home!) I got up and talked with Rudy and then Rachel called me to their tree to read them some verses. Rich comes over and decides to climb the tree too, which was fun.
Break ends.
Praise and worship. People beginning to open up to God now.
A testimony in the gym. - Afterwards, we are all walked back to the meeting room. It's completely different. We have a thing called an Agape (I don't think that's how you spell it... anybody? Spelling?). This is almost a re-enaction of the Last Supper, only nobody plays any specific roles. We had to enter in 2 lines. As we came in, we were first sent to get our feet washed by somebody (like Jesus washed the feet of his Apostles before the Last Supper) I felt unworthy and uncomfortable. Then we were sent to have a seat at the table... the table was a HUGE cross (†, not +) (enough to seat all 48 of us, total). It was candle lit, and there were huge long loaves of bread, and grape juice on the table (wine would have been too expensive, I'm sure... even though we all only got small small cups of it). It was VERY powerful... one of the group leaders began to cry silently, tears just running down his eyes... I was in a trance, sometimes very sad, sometimes very happy. Maredith read about unconditional love, read from 1 Corinth. 13, and then we passed the loaves, broke off a small piece, ate it, and drank our juice. Very powerful.
Next, prayers to/with Mary. THEN, adoration. We were given pieces of paper upon entering the chapel. We were to write on them something which we wanted to give to God. Be it a habit, something we're struggling with, something we'd like a bit of help with, anything we'd like Him to be in control of. They were tacked to a large (probably 6 feet tall) wooden cross, which stood on the altar, which we brought from our church. The lights in the chapel went out, save for the candels, the lights in the mini chapel-inside-the-chapel, and around the large crucifix, which looked spookily realistic in that lighting, above the tabernacle. Fr. Matthew took an altar candle and lit the cross on fire. But the cross itself didn't catch fire. The papers did... and they ignited, burnt, and vanished within 2 seconds. The flame was a bright, vivid ORANGE, not light yellow. We talked about sin, and then had the adoration. Afterwards, we recieved letters from loved ones... I actually got 5 letters! 1 from mom, 1 from dad, 1 from Aunt Debbie (my Confirmation sponsor), 1 from Uncle Juan (my Godfather) and 1 from Rudy (Life Teen Coord. and Youth Minister). Oh, I cried - but it was fine. Lori was in the same pew as me, also looking upset.... so Alden went and comforted her. I - avoiding original sin via jealousy or anger and whatnot, (I'm still on a clean slate with sin, I think), set my focus back on the Blessed Sacrament. Then Alden went 2 rows back and sat with his new girlfriend, so I went and sat next to Lori, comforting more, and then went to get my blessing from Deacon Gerry - he prayed that I might hear my calling. I felt... blessed? =D Next I went and prayed over various people who were also recieving blessings. Then I prayed over Lori, asking for blessings and protection over her. I love Adoration.
FAST FORWARD - 14 HOURS. Sunday.
We packed up and headed back to church for mass. We got cool "I Am..." t-shirts, with all the things that Jesus and I are on the back. (i.e. Catholic, Apostolic, the Rock, the Way, the Truth, the Life, the Eucharist, Forgiven). After mass, we all (the Weidenhoefers [which includes Sean], us Smiths, Fr. Matt, Mark's friend Joe) went to one of the group leaders' houses. Her name is Natalie. Her and her parents and siblings were very nice. Rich was talking to a girl who wants to join the youth band, and he told her, "But if you get a boyfriend we all need to meet him and interview him. Bring him to a practice." So I lent over to Sean and said, jokingly, "So what happens if I go out with Lori?" Sean leans back over and says, "Oh, you're fine. We all approve of you. Mark and I want you to go out with her... and she thinks that you and her will end up together." So I became dazed, staring off to nowhere, and said, "Oh I hope so... But it's too soon, right?" Sean said yeah. I agree... I think I'll scrap my secret plans to ask her out at Christmas and wait until her birthday... unless anybody thinks otherwise, and for good reason. I also learned that Sean is considering becoming a Deacon! So we're praying for eachother, and we've "got eachothers' backs." Sean said, "When I found out you wanted to be a priest, I went, 'Noooo!' because then you and Lori can't get married." (wow... sounds like a dream - I think I'm starting to like her as much as I used to... she's on my mind a lot right now) Sean is going to be going to college sometime this year. He's kind of older than I am. It means a lot to me that he and Mark want me to do that. KC wants me to go out with her too... I don't know what to do. I like her a lot - and maybe love is the right word, but I use that word very sparingly, very rarely, but I don't know if it would be the best thing for us to go out - I would LOVE to (and there I use the word in different context), I DREAM to, but I don't know if it would be wise. I'm praying hard on that topic too. I don't know how I'd do it either. Heck, I'll ask her out right now if she happens to call me... but I'll do it blindly and without any prior planning.
So I had a WONDERFUL, AMAZING, HOLY SPIRIT FILLED, GLORIOUS weekend! I jumped, I sang at the top of my lungs, Saturday night I said a Rosary with Sean, Rudy, and 2 other people at 3 am, I danced with Sean and Lori, I did a conga line while singing praise and worship...
The ups and downs of priesthood: I may be sent out of country, most likely away from the Diocese of Orange, and won't see the people I love very often. I can't get married, and this would be difficult if Lori and I went out, and it lasted a long time... I'd have to break up with her to be ordained. Either God's will for me includes Lori... or the Priesthood. Both things that make my VERY happy. Maybe both... maybe I go out with Lori and something happens... maybe I don't become a priest... this is very difficult for me right now. I need some help from friends.
Therefore, I ask you to pray for me - that I might hear my calling in life, that I might come to an understanding of God's Will for Lori and me, and that the flame of the Holy Spirit will stay burning in me as largely as it can.
I ♥ ιης
God bless you all, and please leave some advice,
Shane