(no subject)
i haven't been to school but once in the last... long time. 4 days off, then i went on wednesday, then 4 days off again. and it wish i could say that i had fun, but well, i didn't. oh well. being sick sucks, and i guess that's all i have to say about that.
but anyway, my motivation is at about zero percent at the moment. i didn't really do anything all day and i needed to do SO much. but i'm stupid and i don't understand chemistry, so i chose to ignore it. and i'm still ignoring it. shh. 8o
anyway. right, my point was that i feel as if tomorrow can never come and i'll be fine with that. (that sounds like i want to die- i don't. but i want to just skip over tomorrow entirely. or let it be tonight forever. yeah i'll shut up about that now.)
malinda made me feel like shit when she was talking about how she and sarah went out to dinner and a movie and other related events without me. like... just telling me about how much fun they had and whatever. and i'm just like... dude, what the fuck. don't tell me that, you know? whatever, i just hate that feeling. jealousy, i guess, even though i don't even know if that's what it is. or... i don't know. but whatever, they're allowed to do that. i should just not be like that. *shrugging it off... or pretending to, anyway*
and then sam called tonight and harrassed me about prom. for like a really long time. and i just don't need that, thanks. if i wanted to go, i'd go, and i don't want to go so i'm not going. i think that's a fairly simple concept to grasp, but... i guess not. then she told me that she wouldn't try to force me, but she thinks i need to buy a prom dress and just wear it out to dinner with them afterwards. that's a little odd. i declined and told her to call me from the dance. seems like a lovely compromise to me. i'll... be there in spirit. but anyway, she bought two different dresses and her mom wants her to buy more. so that she can pick the best one and return the others. heather got three already. now that is something i don't understand; why buy the dress if you're not sure that you love it? last time i checked, they're not cheap, right? i couldn't justify that. but whatever, i guess i just don't get the whole prom "thing." even talking about it is making me uncomfortable, so i'll stop.
um, whatelsewhatelse. i just don't feel like i'm in a very good place with my friends right now. this is excluding my online people, of course, but my friends here in my regular three-dimensional world. i'm not having any kind of disagreements with them or anything, and i mean... i don't know. nothing's really wrong, but i just don't feel like i connect with them. like i don't know why we're really friends anyway. we don't have anything in common and they don't even understand who i am anyway. i feel like they're supposed to. but i guess i can't expect to find any sort of soul mates here where i live. if you look at the number of people in the world compared to the number of people here, the likelihood that i'm going to meet any true friends is just not good. the internet relationships, on the other hand, i believe are some sort of fate. i guess. because the online world is huge and i've found just a few genuine friends. so why should i expect to find people i really really understand and who understand me within this one city or my one school? i'm picking from a very small pool of individuals with that, so the odds are just bad. that's how i'm justifying not having any friends here. is it working? (tell me yes, thanks)
whatever i'm going to bed.
but anyway, my motivation is at about zero percent at the moment. i didn't really do anything all day and i needed to do SO much. but i'm stupid and i don't understand chemistry, so i chose to ignore it. and i'm still ignoring it. shh. 8o
anyway. right, my point was that i feel as if tomorrow can never come and i'll be fine with that. (that sounds like i want to die- i don't. but i want to just skip over tomorrow entirely. or let it be tonight forever. yeah i'll shut up about that now.)
malinda made me feel like shit when she was talking about how she and sarah went out to dinner and a movie and other related events without me. like... just telling me about how much fun they had and whatever. and i'm just like... dude, what the fuck. don't tell me that, you know? whatever, i just hate that feeling. jealousy, i guess, even though i don't even know if that's what it is. or... i don't know. but whatever, they're allowed to do that. i should just not be like that. *shrugging it off... or pretending to, anyway*
and then sam called tonight and harrassed me about prom. for like a really long time. and i just don't need that, thanks. if i wanted to go, i'd go, and i don't want to go so i'm not going. i think that's a fairly simple concept to grasp, but... i guess not. then she told me that she wouldn't try to force me, but she thinks i need to buy a prom dress and just wear it out to dinner with them afterwards. that's a little odd. i declined and told her to call me from the dance. seems like a lovely compromise to me. i'll... be there in spirit. but anyway, she bought two different dresses and her mom wants her to buy more. so that she can pick the best one and return the others. heather got three already. now that is something i don't understand; why buy the dress if you're not sure that you love it? last time i checked, they're not cheap, right? i couldn't justify that. but whatever, i guess i just don't get the whole prom "thing." even talking about it is making me uncomfortable, so i'll stop.
um, whatelsewhatelse. i just don't feel like i'm in a very good place with my friends right now. this is excluding my online people, of course, but my friends here in my regular three-dimensional world. i'm not having any kind of disagreements with them or anything, and i mean... i don't know. nothing's really wrong, but i just don't feel like i connect with them. like i don't know why we're really friends anyway. we don't have anything in common and they don't even understand who i am anyway. i feel like they're supposed to. but i guess i can't expect to find any sort of soul mates here where i live. if you look at the number of people in the world compared to the number of people here, the likelihood that i'm going to meet any true friends is just not good. the internet relationships, on the other hand, i believe are some sort of fate. i guess. because the online world is huge and i've found just a few genuine friends. so why should i expect to find people i really really understand and who understand me within this one city or my one school? i'm picking from a very small pool of individuals with that, so the odds are just bad. that's how i'm justifying not having any friends here. is it working? (tell me yes, thanks)
whatever i'm going to bed.