[one-shot] I hope {3/4}

[songkissed]

Title: I Hope {3/4}

[ previous parts: part 1 | part 2 |  ]


The car was in a haphazard angle in the driveway, but Jin didn’t care right now. He stumbled back into the house, wiping at his eyes and trying to keep the tears away. It barely worked; he could feel the tears struggling to get out, but the moment he walked into the kitchen, he saw Kazuya and stopped where he was.

He almost didn’t dare to move, seeing him at the kitchen table, a cup not far away from him, sheets of paper strewn across the kitchen table and his head in his arms, looking like he was asleep. Jin couldn’t help but freeze at the sight of him; even from here, with the dim light that trickled in from the hallway, he could see those sticky tracks that told him that Kazuya had been crying at some point while he had been gone.

He probably took advantage of the fact that he knew I’d be gone to let it all out…Jin thought sadly. He sighed and shrugged off his jacket; it got cooler around here during the night, so he had it on. He draped it over Kazuya’s shoulders, sure that the younger man would wake up to find that and tell him to mind his own business or something, but at the moment, he didn’t care.

His fingers brushed against the skin of Kazuya’s exposed shoulder blades as he placed the jacket on the younger man and he sighed, feeling the weight of Koji’s words crash onto him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered quietly.

If he wasn’t so caught up in his feelings of regret, Jin might have noticed the way Kazuya had shifted a little while he had been placing his jacket on the younger man, or how the arms had twitched just a little when his fingers had met Kazuya’s skin.

But Jin hadn’t noticed, which was why he jumped in surprise, when the younger man’s voice, a bit hoarse from either sleeping or crying, cut sharply through the air, “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

Jin stared at the younger man in shock; he thought Kazuya had been sleeping! He saw Kazuya’s eyes, filled with tiredness and red from crying, looking at him with that same angry look that always seemed to render him incapable of movement.

So much hurt…

“I do mean it,” he said defensively, “I do mean it!”

“So, after all these years, you grew a heart, congratulations.” Kazuya said bitingly, eyes still shooting daggers at Jin.

Jin took a step back, hurt at those words, “I had a heart!” he snapped defensively, “I cared about you so much back then, how could you say I didn’t have a heart?! You knew how much I cared about you!”

Kazuya scoffed as he slowly stood up, Jin’s jacket falling to the ground; there was anger in his eyes as he stalked over to Jin, fists formed, “If you had cared about me, even a little,” Kazuya retorted, fisting the front of Jin’s shirt, “You wouldn’t have left without a single fucking word.”

Jin’s breath hitched, and he didn’t even try to shrug off Kazuya’s hold on him.

“I -”

“Because if you had cared about me, you would have realized how much that would fucking hurt!” Kazuya hissed, “Do you know how it felt, back then? You left without a single word, you left me on a beach, and my brother, who you weren’t even that close friends with, he knew more than I did. No, I wasn’t important enough for you to tell the truth to; I wasn’t important enough to you for you to face me directly. That, you proved when I called you that time!"

This was all said bitterly and Jin felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes. Kazuya’s words were like daggers into his heart. He had never meant to make Kazuya feel that way; all he had wanted was to avoid a fight over it, but it had turned into this…

“I would have understood if you’d just told me the truth, or told me we were over. It would have been much better than waking up one day with you gone, and the realization that I hadn’t meant as much to you as you had to me, and maybe, I probably never had.”

Jin’s jaw tightened at that.

“I just thought it would have been easier that way…” he began.

“Easier for you, you mean?” Kazuya asked bitterly, “It certainly wasn’t easy on my end -”

“It wasn’t easy for me either!” Jin couldn’t help but snap as memories of that time came back, “I was always thinking of you, and regretting what I did! Every night, for I don’t know how long, you were always on my mind and I couldn’t concentrate and I kept thinking of contacting you -”

“I feel so touched,” Kazuya said sarcastically, but there was a hitch to his voice at this confession from Jin. Hearing that Jin had at least thought about him, was something he had longed to hear for years after Jin had left, “But in the end, you never did, did you? You always did like to run away from everything.”

Jin winced. He couldn’t deny that; back then, whenever something difficult came up, he would run to Kazuya, and when he couldn’t run to Kazuya, he would just run away like he had done that time.

Kazuya shook his head, releasing Jin and picking up the jacket that had fallen onto the floor, handing it to him, “Enough. Why are we talking about this when it doesn’t really matter anymore?” he asked as he turned around.

“It does matter!” Jin snapped, “You’re still hurt by it! And I - I hate having you so angry at me,” he added quietly.

“Well, I’m sure I’ll survive, and as for you, you’ll survive too. I’ve been angry at you for years after all.” Kazuya said, his shoulders stiffening. Then, with a shake of his head, he began to walk out of the kitchen.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Jin said desperately to Kazuya’s retreating back, “I didn’t mean to hurt you so much.”

Kazuya paused for a moment, but continued to walk away. However, Jin had caught a glimpse of what Kazuya hadn’t wanted him to see - the glisten of tears in the corners of Kazuya’s eyes.

He walked forward and grabbed Kazuya’s wrist, turning him back around to face him, and the tears that glared up at him were worse than any accusing words Kazuya could say to him.

“Let go!” Kazuya snapped, but Jin had known Kazuya too long to miss the quiver in his voice.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, but I don’t want you angry and in pain like this anymore,” Jin insisted, “I’m not the same person I was when I was younger, and you’re not the same you once were either. All I can say is I’m sorry, and try to get your forgiveness; I want to make up for my mistakes. I want to help you.”

“I never asked for your help,” Kazuya retorted. He had stopped struggling against Jin’s hold on his wrist, “You’re here for Reio, and that’s it. After you’re done dealing with everything to do with Reio, you’re leaving again.”

He said it so matter-of-factly that Jin felt anger stir in him. It was as though Kazuya just knew he’d just leave again like that. Jin knew he hated this town, but at the moment, his concern and care for Kazuya overrode all the thoughts in his head that screamed at him about how much he despised this place.

“You can try to act like we’ll never see each other again after this,” Jin started, “But you and I both know that as long as we’re alive, we’ll always be connected. You’ll always be on my mind, and I’ll always be on yours. That hasn’t changed all these years and it won’t ever change.”

He let go of Kazuya's wrist, “And that’s why I’m going to fix all this.”

“Fix what?” Kazuya laughed bitterly, “There’s nothing to fix.”

…anymore, you’re too late, was left unsaid but Jin could still hear it in Kazuya’s voice.

“Fix everything; fix our broken relationship, fix everything that I destroyed when I left; I’m going to put it all back together, because even if you won’t admit it, you wanted to leave this town as much as I did, but you haven’t, because you’re - because this is your way of sheltering your heart. By holding onto the past and staying here, because this was where you were happy before you got hurt. It’s your own way of running away. And you probably got that example from me…but I’m not going to run away from this. I’m the one who hurt you all those years ago, and I’ll be the one to take that hurt away. I’ve changed just a little after all these years, and I’m not the exact same teenager who hurt you all those years ago. I’ll never hurt you again!” he promised vehemently.

It could have been Reio’s letter, or the conversation with Koji, or perhaps his own concerns and frustrations, but he was growing more determined the more he talked like this with Kazuya.

He must have said something right, because for a moment, something other than anger and hurt flashed through Kazuya’s eyes.

It disappeared quickly, however, as Kazuya turned back around, “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep,” he said as he left Jin alone in the kitchen.

* * *

Jin’s fiery determination seemed to disappear the moment he woke up the next morning. Without the heat of the moment and his emotions ruling his thoughts, he had no idea how to accomplish what he said he would. It had been years since he had been able to make Kazuya’s hurts go away with words and a kiss. He had no idea where to start.

He didn’t have much time to think about it either, as they were due back at the lawyer’s office, to finish those discussions they had been too overwrought by emotions to complete last time. That, of course, resulted in a long drive to the city, which started not so well, when Kazuya realized that Jin’s rental car could still be used and they could avoid being in the same car the whole trip, while Jin was determined to get into the same car as Kazuya.

“Look, Akanishi, just get into your own car,” Kazuya said through gritted teeth, looking annoyed at Jin who was holding onto the open door of the passenger side, “You can drive perfectly fine, and this way, we can avoid...unnecessary talking.”

Jin was a bit hurt by that, but he hadn’t expected Kazuya to warm up to him overnight despite their conversation, so he hid it well, “But I like unnecessary talking. Besides, we’ll save money on gas this way.”

“You paid money to rent that car; you’re wasting more money by paying for it and letting it sit in my driveway,” Kazuya retorted.

“Not if I have to fill it up with gas too,” Jin returned, “If I hitch a ride with you, I’ll be only paying half the price for gas." He said with a grin, “And you save money too; c’mon, Kazuya,” he whined, trying to hide how frustrated he was with this situation. It simply hurt a lot that Kazuya wanted to avoid him so much.

Kazuya glared at him.

He offered what he hoped to be a very charming smile in return.

“We don’t have time for this,” Kazuya muttered irritably, “Fine, get in, and don’t talk to me.” He snapped, getting into the car. Once Kazuya was inside, Jin’s grin dropped into a sad smile.

Why did I let it turn out like this? He thought as he slipped into the car and sat beside Kazuya in silence. Even the simplest words like ‘don’t talk to me’ hurt him when they came from Kazuya, but there was so little he could do about Kazuya’s dislike and distrust toward him.

Except keep trying to get Kazuya to believe he was truly sorry.

He cast a glance at Kazuya who seemed determined to pretend that Jin wasn’t in the same car as him. Silence hung heavily in the air. He took a deep breath as he wondered if he dared break that silence. But even as he considered keeping quiet, the weigh of the tension and silence that existed between them was almost forcing him to open his mouth and speak. The tension was making him want to do anything to get rid of it - even getting hit for talking.

“I really am really, really, really sorry,” Jin finally blurted out. Kazuya’s posture tensed.

“Extremely sorry,” Jin added, finding that he wasn’t able to stop himself now that he had started, “And I know you’re not going to say anything right now, but I really mean it. I don’t really know how to show you I mean it, but I’ll find some way to show you. I know you think I’m probably just lying and that I just hate being hated by you…well, that’s true. I hate being hated by you, but it’s not just that. It’s like…I’ve been avoiding everything and running away for so long that I’ve managed to run away from all the destruction I left behind too. And there is so much I regret…”

Seeing Kazuya’s stony expression flicker for a moment, Jin continued. He was half cursing his mouth for not listening to his brain, and half taking advantage of the silence to say all this to Kazuya while the other couldn’t ignore him.

“I’ve made so many mistakes, especially involving you…but I just want to say this and then you can kick me out of the car and make me walk back or walk there or something. I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am - because no matter what I say, I know what I did was unforgivable, leaving you without a word like that. All I can do is try to show you; I can’t erase my mistakes, but I can try to make up for them…if you’ll let me try.”

Jin glanced at Kazuya and while the mask on the younger man’s face was enough to fool anybody else, he could see a tiny glimpse of the conflicting emotions on his face. There were so many emotions that he couldn’t catch though; he knew he had to do a lot more than that to gain Kazuya’s forgiveness. He also knew that the Kazuya he had once known, the boy who had so easily made friends with Jin, and the boy whose smile could warm Jin’s heart instantly, was still in there, under that cold mask somewhere. He just had to convince him that he wouldn’t get hurt again if he came out from hiding.

“And -” he stopped himself, seeing the way Kazuya’s knuckles were turning white on the steering wheel, “I’ll shut up now.” He finished feebly.

He figured it was at least a start in the right direction that Kazuya didn’t kick him out of the car.

* * *

Kazuya ignored him for the rest of the day, not even sparing him a single glance. At least not when Jin could see, but Jin had gotten the feeling of having a pair of eyes on him and while he could have imagined it the first few times, he was sure by the end of the day, that it was Kazuya doing it. Jin just wondered if his words had gotten through to the younger man somehow, or if Kazuya was still just so angry that he was taking to glaring holes into the back of Jin’s head.

But that didn’t exactly stop Jin from talking to Kazuya whenever he had a chance.

And he did mean talking to Kazuya, because the younger man wasn’t exactly talking back.

After half an hour of searching that evening, Jin found Kazuya sitting on the back porch of the house, looking lost in thought.

He simply stood there for a few moments, staring at Kazuya’s lonely looking form. Instinct and years of doing so made him want to wrap his arms around the younger man to take away Kazuya’s loneliness.

Kazuya looked up, sensing someone else on the porch behind him, and seeing Jin, his expression flicked for a moment, before frosting over into an indifferent mask. And as always, it hurt Jin to see this. He watched as Kazuya went back to his position of having his palms facedown on the porch behind him, legs stretched out, and leaning backwards just a little.

“What do you want?” he finally asked, eyes flickering toward Jin but other than that, he didn’t acknowledge him at all.

At least he’s talking to me this time…Jin thought, trying to cheer himself up. He actually wondered if his words from before had truly gotten through to Kazuya, because the younger man’s attitude seemed just a little different. It was as though he was no longer stubbornly intent on ignoring Jin at all costs, and if his acknowledgement of Jin’s presence and the stare Jin felt from time to time were any indications, he seemed to be trying to evaluate whether or not Jin was sincere.

“Well…” Jin said lightly as he took a seat next to Kazuya. He saw Kazuya bristle a little, but ignored it, “I want to sit next to you and pretend that you don’t hate me.”

Something flickered across Kazuya’s expression and Jin peered curiously at Kazuya, “Or do you hate me so much that the thought of being next to me repulses you?”

Kazuya’s expression froze and his lips pursed. He didn’t answer Jin, but he turned around so that the older man could no longer see his expression. Jin didn’t know what to make of that - except feel a bit of hope. If he didn’t want Jin to see his expression, then it was probably a denial. Kazuya hadn’t exactly kept his resentment of Jin a secret, so if he had agreed with that, he would have had no need to hide it. Jin tentatively decided not to push it though.

They sat in silence like that for a long time, Jin watching Kazuya force himself to bury any emotions under indifference. It was painful to watch.

The silence was broken by a rustle of cloth and Kazuya unfolding something in his hands. Jin looked hesitantly at the younger man as he handed over what seemed to be a folded letter. Jin recognized his brother’s handwriting right away, and his eyebrows shot up when he realized this must have been Reio’s letter to Kazuya.

He looked at the page it was folded onto, and his lips pursed just like Kazuya’s had only a little while ago as he read the first sentence on the page.

…and if my brother actually makes his way back here, make him visit her. You’re probably the only one he’ll listen to…

He looked up at Kazuya after that, to find the younger man had turned back around, obviously giving Jin permission to read yet another letter left behind by his brother.

Jin took his time folding the letter back up and slipped it into his pocket, before walking closer to Kazuya.

“Reio always was bossy and demanding.” Jin said lightly, trying to hide the dread in his voice.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Kazuya finally spoke, “But I thought you’d want to know what Reio thought before he died. He wanted you to see your mother.”

Jin was silent for a long time. He could tell Kazuya was waiting for his answer, but he just didn’t know if he wanted to go face his mother right now. He hadn’t seen her in years; he wasn’t sure if he could handle another person from his childhood hating him.

“W-would you come with me if I go?” he finally blurted out, clutching the letter tightly in his hands.

Kazuya turned around briefly and gave him a shrug and a nod.

Jin let out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding, “I’ll go then,” he said, wishing his voice sounded more confident.

Kazuya was obviously surprised at his answer. He quickly covered it up, however, “We’ll go tomorrow then.”

Jin smiled gratefully, but if he expected a smile in return, he was sorely disappointed. Kazuya merely shrugged and then turned back around, staring out at the settling darkness of the night.

--

Jin’s eyes were a bit red if he was honest with himself, when he returned to the back porch after looking all over the house for Kazuya an hour later. The letter was clutched tightly in his hands and not for the first time, he wondered why Kazuya would let him read something so obviously personal and something so obviously just meant for Kazuya’s eyes.

To his surprise, Kazuya was still on the back porch and he tentatively approached. Kazuya looked up when the letter was given to him and took it from his hands slowly.

“Why?” Jin managed to croak out, “Why did you let me read that?”

Kazuya’s answer was a shrug and looking back out into the darkness, “I figured if Koji passed away…after not talking to him for so long, I’d want to get my hands on everything that told me what he thought about himself, me, and our family,” Kazuya said with a sigh, “If you had gotten a letter from Koji if he died, I’d want to know what it said.”

Jin could only crack a teary smile.

Kazuya slowly looked away.

Impulsively, Jin leaned down until his arms were almost circling Kazuya’s body; they hugged the air around Kazuya’s body, not letting his skin touch the younger man’s.

He could feel Kazuya bristle at first, before it gave way to surprise when he realized Jin wasn’t actually touching him.

“You’ll only hate me more if I hug you when you hate me,” Jin murmured, his lips a few inches from Kazuya’s ear, “This is all I can do so that you don’t hate me any more than you already do.”

There was a sharp intake of breath in surprise, and Jin could almost swear Kazuya could feel how sad this was making him. It felt so terrible, that he could now only hug the empty air around Kazuya; it was like he was actually hugging Kazuya but Kazuya kept slipping through his arms and he could never hold on long enough to embrace him like he wanted to.

“Thank you,” Jin whispered finally, “Thank you for giving me that letter to read.” His voice choked, “I know you’re grieving too, probably even more than I am…you looked so lonely when I came in earlier -” he couldn’t continue. He just kept his arms circling the air around Kazuya, not willing to let go even though his arms were getting tired and starting to hurt. He just wanted to hold on before Kazuya slipped away from him.

“Idiot. Stop with that ‘lonely’ stuff,” Kazuya finally retorted softly, although his voice was thick, “Your arms are going to go numb and fall off if you keep that up.”

“I’m sorry; I just don’t want to let go of you again.” Jin said, trying to hide how much he still wanted to cry.

Kazuya was silent, not protesting any longer, but Jin found that Kazuya was right and he couldn’t hold his arms like that for much longer. He let his arms fall, wrapping around the sturdy figure that was Kazuya.

When the younger man didn’t move or try to throw him off, Jin stayed like that, taking deep choking breaths that was both a mixture of grief for his dead brother and the realization at how much he had missed being able to hug Kazuya like this.

And all the while, Kazuya stayed still in his arms, not moving one inch as though he was afraid of doing so.

Jin decided to see it as silent support.

* * *

The moment the metal doors of the elevator opened up, Jin was tense, walking stiffly behind Kazuya. The younger man spared him a brief glance but other than that, didn’t let it show that he had even noticed. He did realize that Kazuya must have come here enough times to know his way by heart, because the younger man wasn’t even looking at the room numbers as he walked down the unfamiliar hall. Staff also nodded in greeting to them and Jin figured they were either really polite staff to stop what they were doing to greet visitors, or they recognized Kazuya. He figured it was the latter, not the former.

Almost, as though knowing what he was thinking as they walked down the hall, Kazuya spoke, “I used to come here with Reio.”

Jin glanced at him curiously, trying to concentrate on Kazuya’s voice rather than the feeling of dread that was growing stronger the further into the hospital they walked.

“He and I used to visit her together, at least once every two months,” Kazuya continued, a slight hesitancy in his voice, “…I don’t know why, but Reio never wanted to come here alone. And near the…end,” he swallowed, “It just became something we just did.” He said as a way to explain how he knew this place better than even Jin did.

Jin understood, but that didn’t stop him from feeling very guilty that Kazuya had been more like part of the family than he himself had.

“This is it…” Kazuya stopped in front of a room, where the door was opened. Jin tentatively followed Kazuya, pausing as he saw a nurse in the room with the mother he barely recognized. She had aged a lot since the last time he had seen her and he swallowed as guilt filled him again.

“Ah, Kamenashi-san,” the nurse greeted politely, sending a curious look at Jin as she walked toward the two visitors, “Akanishi-san didn’t come today?”

Jin felt that cold feeling come over him again; it was recognizably grief at the mention of Reio.

Kazuya had stilled, and for the first time, Jin was glad Kazuya had that feigning his emotions down pat. It meant Kazuya could recover from the reminder of Reio quickly, and Jin could hide behind the younger man so he could try to do the same.

“I brought a different visitor today,” Kazuya shook his head as he indicated Jin, “Reio’s older brother.”

Jin had finally worked his expression to one that didn’t show his grief by this time, although he hadn’t quite been able to get a smile on his face that quickly, no matter how fake, so he figured that the emotionless sort of expression he had managed had scared the nurse because she quickly said her greetings before rushing out of the room.

Jin and Kazuya collectively let out sighs of relief and sadness.

Then, they turned to look at each other, gazes holding for a few moments, before Kazuya broke it in favour of walking to the bed in the private hospital room.

“Reiko-san,” he called softly, “I brought someone to see you.”

Jin could tell that his voice had startled the woman staring into the distance as though not really realizing anybody had been in the room. Jin realized with a start that perhaps, she really didn’t. He briefly remembered getting a letter from Reio - it was one of the few he got; because Jin never opened anything that came from this town, Reio had had to send it from a couple towns over. He remembered what Reio's letter about putting their mother in the hospital had said concerning her condition, and he did recall Reio writing that she had had a breakdown of some sort and because Reio didn’t know how to deal with it properly, especially since he had to work as well, he was selling the house in order to have enough money to give her constant hospital care.

Her hair had turned white, and she looked ten years older than her actual age. Jin swallowed as he approached her, a tentative and scared, “Mother?” escaping his lips.

Absent, distracted eyes turned to him and not for the first time since he had entered this hospital, he felt the urge to turn around and flee. However, he knew he couldn’t run away again. He took a step forward, trying not to show that he was half-trying to hide behind Kazuya, who seemed much calmer and relaxed than he was. But, of course, Kazuya was used to this and he wasn’t feeling the same dread and remorse that Jin was feeling right now from seeing yet another person who had been affected so much by his departure years ago.

The look Kazuya sent him was unreadable. The younger man quietly excused himself to talk to the doctor in charge of the white-haired woman that Jin could barely recognize as his own mother.

Left alone with her, Jin couldn’t help but let the emotions that he had been hiding come out. Sadness and guilt at knowing that his departure must have factored to her breakdown overcame him. Tears began to fall and he couldn’t do anything to stop them.

He was startled when he felt a slightly wrinkled hand cover his and put a tissue in his palm. He stared at it.

“Don’t cry.”

Even her voice seemed to have changed. It was soft, quiet and very unlike the outspoken woman he remembered arguing many times with both his father and himself.

So it only made Jin want to cry even more; his arms itched to wrap around something and just hug it for comfort until these tears would go away. He swallowed, working to keep his tears in and smiled tearfully at the white haired woman.

She was staring at him, eyes squinting as though there was something about him that she couldn’t figure out. Jin wondered if she recognized him, but that couldn’t be it. Kazuya might not have said much on the trip over, but the one thing he had made sure to tell Jin was that she probably wouldn’t recognize him, and that she hadn’t even recognized Reio either. She had escaped into her own mind to when she was happiest, and a grownup Reio hadn’t fit into her expectations of him so she hadn’t recognized him.

“I have a son who looks like you,” it was whispered, but Jin still jumped as though it had been shouted. He stared at her, wondering what he should say.

“I -”

“He’s younger than you though,” she smiled, a distant look in her eyes, “He’s about seventeen right now.”

Jin swallowed the lump in his throat, “Oh…”

“He’s been getting letters from his no-good father though,” her voice was still soft, but her expression had darkened, “I think he wants to leave with him. He always did hate moving to this town.”

There was a long moment of silence, which Jin didn’t want to break.

Then, the white-haired woman shook her head, “Sorry. You just look so much like him,” she said sadly, “He’s going to choose him over me.”

Jin bit his lip to keep the tears from coming out. He had suspected that leaving with his father was what led to his mother’s eventual breakdown and this condition she was in. After his father’s affair with a younger woman was found out and his parents had divorced, they had moved to this town. His mother had wanted to avoid the pitying glances of people who knew that she had been rejected and abandoned for a younger woman. Then, when Jin had left, it was probably like going through the rejection again, except it was worse because Jin had been her son, and he had chosen the man she hated most in the world over her.

“He’s sorry,” Jin finally managed to say, a choked tone in his voice, “Your son…he’s - he’s sorry.”

He sharply turned, hiding his watering eyes, and was surprised to see Kazuya standing there, staring uncomfortably at Jin.

“C-can we go?” Jin managed to ask through the urge to cry.

Kazuya’s eyes softened when he looked at him, “Yeah,” he nodded slowly. Then, he turned to the white-haired woman, “Reiko-san, I’ll visit again soon.”

“Try to get your brother to come next time, Koji,” the white-haired woman said. It was both the normal and cheerful tone she used and the fact that she thought Kazuya was Koji that made Jin draw in a sharp breath, “Jin always goes wherever Kazuya goes - maybe he’ll visit me too if Kazuya comes.”

Jin managed to hold it in until they were outside and the door closed before he let it all out. He stood there silently, tears streaming from his eyes and he felt the guilt continue to eat away at his heart.

A hesitant hand on his elbow made him look up, startled, and he let himself be guided to a bench against a wall, down the hall from his mother’s hospital room.

“I’m sorry,” Jin blurted out, his voice thick from the tears, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Kazuya didn’t speak for a few moments, so Jin’s continuous apologies were all that could be heard in the hallway. After a few moments, Jin felt a comforting hand on his shoulder, and then that hand hesitantly moved and Jin found his head easily falling onto Kazuya’s shoulder.

“It’s not your fault this time,” he heard Kazuya say, and Jin felt more of the dam break. He took the invitation that Kazuya was silently giving and buried his face into the younger man’s shoulder, arms wrapping tightly around Kazuya as he cried over his lost loved ones.

“It’s not your fault.” Kazuya said again, awkwardly trying to comfort Jin.

“I should have been there,” Jin whispered guiltily, “I should have…maybe - I should have been there, for her, for Reio, for you…”

“You aren't too late for her,” Kazuya replied quietly, “Reio, you can’t do anything about it anymore. But you can start doing something about her; you’re not too late to be there for her.”

And for you? Jin couldn’t help but think that amidst his guilt.

Almost as though reading his mind, Kazuya hesitantly added, “Just give it time.”

* * *

---- part 4 ----