[one-shot] I hope {1/4}
Title: I Hope {1/4}
Pairing: akame
Word count: 23 300
Rating: PG-13/ PG-15
Summary: Jin has made many mistakes, but the one he regrets the most is leaving Kazuya. Now, with a death in his family, Jin goes back to where it all started - and to a Kazuya who is determined to hate him...
So um...hey ^___^ *waves* so my first post in this comm well, one that's a fic anyways The title of this fic comes from the song 'I Hope' by F.T. Island. Since it was the lyrics to that song that first inspired me for this fic, I thought it would be only fitting that I used the same song for the title of this fic. Also, please keep in mind that this is AU. ^___^
And finally, I'd like to thankpinkeuphoria1 for looking this fic over/basically beta-ing this fic ♥ Thank you so much Isa!♥
And now I'll let you read ^-^ enjoy~
--- I HOPE ---
Kazuya was waiting for Jin when he stepped out of the station, one hand pulling a suitcase along, the other struggling to keep a hold of the duffel bag. His hands were red from holding the bag, his feet were stiff from sitting cramped for so long, and he was tired and cranky from the trip, but it didn’t stop a small, relieved smile from crossing his face when he saw the younger man. Kazuya hadn’t changed much, and yet, had changed completely - during uncomfortable situations, he still showed others a polite smile that was so perfect and could fool everyone, including Jin's mother, who had known Kazuya for years… everyone except Jin.
Jin remembered the many years he had spent here, and how his mother would go on and on about ‘Kazuya-chan’. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and concentrated on the man in front of him. It was just a bit strange to see that look on him when no one else but Jin was around.
“Hey,” he greeted, just a bit awkwardly, “It’s been a while.”
And it had. Years and years had passed without Jin realizing it; he wasn’t sure what he could say now without making the tension between them even more awkward.
“It has,” Kazuya finally said, just a bit curtly. They stood there for a while more, just shifting awkwardly, before Kazuya reached over and took Jin’s duffel bag from him, “I have the car parked nearby.” He said and without a backwards look at Jin, he walked away.
Jin sighed and followed; as he slipped into the passenger seat beside Kazuya, he cast a look around the car appreciatively, “This is new, isn’t it?”
Kazuya’s answer sounded just a bit amused, “You expected me to keep driving my brother’s half-broken truck?”
Jin chuckled sheepishly, “Guess not. What happened to it then?”
“Sold it,” was Kazuya’s brusque reply.
They sat in silence again for a few moments before Jin finally spoke, “Thanks…for doing this.”
Kazuya didn’t answer and Jin almost thought that Kame had been too wrapped up in his thoughts to hear what he had said, but Kazuya’s white knuckles gripping the steering wheel gave him away. Jin didn’t know what to say, because he knew how hard this must have been on Kazuya as well.
“Sorry,” he said, leaning back to stare out the window.
“It’s okay.” Kazuya replied, but his tone clearly implied that it wasn’t.
The rest of the trip continued in silence, and Jin couldn’t help but wonder if this was how the next month was going to be like.
* * *
Looking out the window at the passing scenery as Kazuya drove in determined stony silence, Jin could still remember the last time he had been back here. Back then, he hated summer, because summer meant coming here to stay with his mother. Summer meant leaving the big city for this small, seaside town where the most interesting thing to do was to listen to the town gossip. He had been so eager to get away, he hadn’t cared about anything else - all that mattered was never coming back here, never listening to another speech of how he should be ‘working like his brother’ instead of wandering the beaches, trying to find something fun to do.
And before long, the summers had grown longer and longer; he wasn’t just staying for one month of summer anymore. Soon, it had grown to two, and then he was somehow not going back to the city for the fall term, and then he was also staying through the winter, attending the big - but compared to his old school in the city, small - school in town. This went on for a while and Jin remembered being more and more disappointed each time he got a letter in the mail, with the same two words already written at the end - and sometimes, they were the only words written on the paper.
Not yet.
And slowly, the feeling of being a prisoner in this town grew and grew and grew, until Jin was finally released from this prison; he never looked back, no matter if he knew that there was at least one good thing about this town, and he was leaving him behind.
* * *
Everything was already prepared, Jin found out. Kazuya had interrupted the silence in the car with a curt announcement that they were going to the temple first. He watched Kazuya as the younger man talked to the people at the temple about the wake the next day. He had wandered away from the conversation soon after it started, not wanting to talk about the death arrangements for his brother. He knew it wasn’t right, letting Kazuya do all this, when it was his brother, but Jin couldn’t deal with discussing this at the moment.
He was aware of the curious looks the people at the temple were sending him, and he knew what they were thinking. If Jin was here and able to take over the arrangements, then why was Kazuya still the one talking to them? Jin shifted nervously under their gazes, before he walked back over to Kazuya.
“Ah, Jin, finally decided to join us?” the priest asked lightly, a smile crossing his face, probably from seeing Jin again, who he had known since a small child. It quickly turned into a confused look when Jin shook his head.
Kazuya’s face was blank when Jin turned to him, “I’m going back to the car,” he announced. He didn’t expect an answer from the younger man - and he didn’t get one.
As he trudged back to the car, he couldn’t help but think about how hard this was going to be. Tomorrow, he was going to the wake of his brother, who he hadn’t even seen since the day he left this town. And sometime in the next month, he was going to have to visit his mother, and that was all Jin knew. There were numerous other details and problems left to him with his brother’s death and he had no idea how he was going to sort through them all.
With a sigh, he dug into his pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes.
--
Jin had gone through three cigarettes before Kazuya finally returned. He quickly jumped up from the curb he had been sitting on while waiting for Kazuya and the younger man cocked an eyebrow.
“What?” Jin asked defensively, “I forgot to ask you for the keys.”
“This isn’t Tokyo,” Kazuya retorted with a smirk, “And I wouldn’t have given them to you anyways.”
And with a groan, Jin realized how right he was. This wasn’t Tokyo, or another big city where somebody could steal your car if you left it unlocked. This was a town where everyone knew each other and even if you were new here, you’d know everyone by the end of the week. Stealing a car would be pointless in this town, because within a few hours, you would know who had it.
“I feel stupid,” Jin muttered as he slipped into the passenger seat. Kazuya didn’t answer. Instead, he started the car and drove off, heading down a familiar road.
“We have to come back here tomorrow,” Kazuya finally said, “It’ll be early. I don’t expect you to want to get up that early, so I’ll get someone to pick -”
“No, I can get up,” Jin interrupted. At the disbelieving look he got, Jin bristled defensively, “I can!”
“Alright,” Kazuya said with a shrug of his shoulders as he turned his full attention back onto the road. Jin shifted nervously in the silence - he wasn’t used to this. Things had gotten so awkward and Kazuya had gotten so cold, when it used to be that Kazuya was the only person he could say anything and everything to.
Now, he couldn’t even manage a single word.
“Kazuya, I -”
“We’re here,” Kazuya cut through shortly. They weren’t really; there was still a bit left before they reached that familiar house, but Jin didn’t point that out. He didn’t want Kazuya to become even more hostile towards him.
When they finally did pull up in the driveway, Kazuya helped him with his bags and then directed him to the bedroom that he would be staying in.
“Your brother’s old room?” Jin quirked an eyebrow, hoping that that would spark some sort of conversation with the younger man.
“He doesn’t live here anymore,” Kazuya shrugged, “It’s not like he’ll mind.”
“What about -”
“Nobody else lives here now,” Kazuya retorted, “Reio - Reio did…” he swallowed, “I’d give you the room he was using, but I don’t think you’d like that”
Jin shivered. No, he wouldn’t want to live in Reio’s room. Not when they were burying Reio soon.
“No, this is fine,” he replied, “What about -”
“I’ll let you unpack,” Kazuya interrupted yet again, and Jin couldn’t help but feel a bit annoyed. Every time he tried to strike up a conversation with the younger man, the other would interrupt him and then avoid talking to him completely. It was annoying and made Jin feel like he wasn’t welcome.
Jin opened his mouth to say exactly what he thought of Kazuya at the moment, but one look into Kazuya’s eyes stopped him.
He wasn’t welcome.
He quickly retreated into the room and shut the door quietly behind him.
* * *
Jin thought too much when he was left alone - always did and probably always would. Right now, left alone in Kazuya’s brother’s room, he could only think of the past, of a time when Kazuya would greet him with the brightest smile in the world, even when they had first met back when he was fourteen and Kazuya was twelve. He could even remember how he had wandered the beach until he had found Kazuya looking hopefully at the waves and holding a surfboard under his arm.
“It’s not funny!” Jin spluttered as he climbed out of the water after falling off the surfboard for what was probably the twenty-fifth time. He couldn’t even balance himself on it properly and he glared balefully at the stranger who was hiding his laughter behind a grin.
“Of course it is,” the other boy replied, “I’ve never seen someone try so many times and fall off every time.”
“I’d like to see you do better!” Jin retorted.
The smaller boy quirked an eyebrow, “I own this surfboard.”
“Doesn’t mean you can do it,” Jin accused with a suspicious look, “It could all just be for show!”
“Well, that makes you pretty stupid, doesn’t it, if you’ve been taking surfing lessons for the past two hours from someone who doesn’t even know how to.”
Jin had to admit…that did make him feel incredibly stupid.
“Shut up.”
That only caused the other boy to laugh more, “Oh, maybe this town won’t be that bad after all,” he mused as he waded into the water, leaving the surfboard on the beach. The waves weren’t really good enough to surf, but the lack of good waves was what was ideal for teaching Jin how to stay on the board.
Jin followed, “You’re new here right? I haven’t seen you before.”
“Yeah, just moved in; my parents wanted the fresh air and lack of city pollution,” the shorter boy grinned, “I made a run for the beach the moment people started knocking on our door.”
“Good move.” Jin couldn’t help but grin back.
* * *
The wake, Jin would have to say, went by fast. He could barely remember anything that had happened. He had been half asleep when Kazuya woke him up. It took one look at Kazuya and the dark circles under his eyes that told Jin that like him, Kazuya had barely slept. The weight of the upcoming events later that day had kept them both up.
Then, reaching the altar that held the casket with his brother inside, Jin had nearly broken down. This was real - this wasn’t something he could walk away from like he had for most of the things in his life. His brother was dead. He was dead and Jin couldn’t just run away now to avoid the topic, come back and, somehow, everything would be better. It didn’t work that way when it came to death.
Jin had barely managed to muffle the sob that escaped his lips as that sunk in. His mind wandered all on its own as he stared at the picture of Reio, probably from his younger brother’s high school graduation, a grin on his face. Jin hadn’t even bothered to come back to attend that - this, on his brother’s death bed, was the first time Jin had come back to see his brother in years.
He was a horrible person, he really was - always running away, always leaving, never trying to stay to work things out, until, like now, it was too late.
And with those thoughts, the wake went by without him even realizing it. He remembered being next to Kazuya, nodding stiffly to the condolences given; he remembered how he kept staring at Reio’s picture; and he remembered watching people leave, wishing they’d all just go away quickly so he could break down like he wanted to.
“Here.”
Jin looked up when a package of tissues was thrust into his face. He hadn’t even realized he had moved and followed Kazuya back to the car.
He took it hesitantly, “I don’t -”
“Don’t try to tell me you didn’t want to cry, because I’m not blind,” Kazuya said coldly, smoothing down the creases in his suit, head turned away from Jin again, “Even if you did manage to hold it in. That’s good; the not crying thing.”
Jin clutched the package and stared at Kazuya, whose eyes were fixed on the road in that same determined coldness as the day before. Anger, stemming from his grief at his loss, rushed over him. He was so calm, he was so cold, he was so -
“And what? It’s wrong to cry when my brother died?!” Jin snarled defensively, “You could be a bit more compassionate! My brother just died, and you’re commenting on how well I was able to keep up appearances?!” he slammed a fist against the window in anger, “So what if I want to cry?! It’s not wrong and I am so sick of your attitude toward me! I’ve been doing my best to keep you happy but it’s always, always, acting like you barely tolerate me! I hate it and I hate how you’re so damn frigid that you don’t even care that he died! If you did, you wouldn’t tell me that not crying was a good thing!”
He let out a yelp when Kazuya swerved and slammed on the brakes, the car in a haphazard position on the side of the road.
“Don’t think you’re the only one who’s grieving!” Kazuya hissed, knuckles turning white from how hard he was clutching the steering wheel, “Don’t think you’re the only one this affects! You’re not the one who had to go through all the funeral arrangements by himself and be expected not to shed a single fucking tear! You’re not the one who had to visit your mother and tell her that the one son that actually loved her had died, and the other one, well, he might come back to see her if he felt like it! You’re not the one who had to call, well, you, and get yelled at!” Kazuya was holding the steering wheel so tightly, Jin was almost sure it would break under Kazuya’s grip soon, “You’re not the one who just lost the one person who kept me sane after you left!”
And those words - those last, accusing, words that tumbled from Kazuya’s mouth - were like a slap in the face. He stared with wide eyes at Kazuya, who had tears in his eyes as he glared determinedly ahead.
“Kazuya -” Jin reached over and before Kazuya could realize what he was doing, he had wrapped the younger man in an embrace. He breathed a sigh as he did; the smaller body felt so familiar, and he remembered this so well. The memories that came up from this mere familiar touch made the tears finally spill over, leaving warm marks on his cheeks.
“What the -” Kazuya hissed angrily, “Get off, Akanishi, get the hell off me! Don’t fucking touch me! Get off you -” he was hitting Jin wherever he could reach, but Jin refused to let go, holding onto the one familiar thing that he still had. The tears that fell wouldn’t stop, no matter how much he wanted them to.
“I know you can’t stand me anymore, but just until this is over, let’s grieve together; going back to your place and crying alone in our rooms will only make today seem worse, so please…just let me cry with you, until all this is over.”
He didn’t mention that he was already crying, but even though Kazuya couldn’t see his face, the younger man probably already knew that. Just like how he knew that Kazuya’s body wrapped in his arms was familiar; and right now, reality was too frightening and painful for him to let go of this familiarity. He didn’t care that he was practically begging right now, as long as he didn’t have to face reality, and the grief, alone.
Kazuya had stilled and his only answer was burying his face into his hands, hunching over and letting the tears fall freely.
* * *
Jin had had to eventually let go of Kazuya, and the younger man, eyes red from crying and hands shaking just a little, started the drive back. Jin knew from the look that had re-entered Kazuya’s eyes that the brief moment of Kazuya not hating him, when they had cried together in grief, was over and he didn’t bother arguing Kazuya’s decision to drive.
Jin leaned his cheek, sticky from the tears, against the cold window pane, an inaudible sigh escaping his lips. Why was it that right now, the past seemed much more pleasant than the present? Back then, he didn’t need to plead and cry for Kazuya to let him hold him…
When he began to live with his mother full-time during the winter when he was fourteen, he ended up in the same school as Kazuya. And because of that, he was always found in Kazuya’s company; they were always together when they weren’t in class and perhaps it was his reputation of being the sulky and snappy kid that used to wander around town during the summer, but everyone else always left them alone.
Jin took full advantage of that fact and he took pleasure in seeing how Kazuya’s eyes, regardless of his complaints, would shine with mirth when Jin would drag him out of school with the intent of skipping classes that day.
“I can’t believe you dragged me out of class again,” Kazuya complained to him as they sat on the sand. As usual, they had ended up at the beach, “You know that we always get in trouble in the end because nothing is secret in this town.”
“Yeah, I figured that out that one time I cursed at Reio and ran off and then when I came back, everyone was scolding me for my language,” Jin paused, “And I do mean everyone.” He grimaced.
Kazuya laughed, “Well, it’s not like I mind too much. I need a break once in a while,” he said, standing up, but Jin didn’t miss the emotion that flashed across his face. He stood up quickly as well, following the shorter boy.
“Kazuya...”
The younger boy turned to shoot him a bright, dazzling smile that might have fooled anyone else, but it only told Jin that something was clearly bothering his friend.
“Something’s wrong,” he stated it as a fact, because he knew if he tried to ask it like a question, Kazuya would only deny it.
“Maybe…I don’t know,” the younger boy shrugged and he bit down on his lower lip. Then, with a grin at Jin, he ran into the water until he was waist deep in it. Jin followed in confusion, until he saw Kazuya sink beneath the surface and come back up, completely drenched.
Jin waded in after him, “You’re an idiot,” he said, staring at the droplets now trailing down Kazuya’s cheeks, “The water won’t hide the fact that you cry, you know that right?”
Kazuya looked startled and then he looked down, playing with the hem of his drenched shirt.
“Kazuya,” Jin’s arms had wrapped easily around Kazuya. The younger boy didn’t move, didn’t do anything, but Jin did see a shake of his shoulders, as though a silent sob had just escaped, “I’m sorry about your mother,” he murmured in the younger boy’s ear, “I didn’t want you to think about it today, but I guess it can’t be helped. She’ll get better Kazuya, she always does. Don’t cry.” He paused, “Or cry all you want on me, whatever you want to do.”
The only answer he got was silence but he tightened his hold.
Was it wrong to think that he didn’t want Kazuya’s mother to recover completely, when her sickness was the reason Kazuya’s family had moved here in the first place? Was it wrong to want her to still remain a little sick, just so Kazuya wouldn’t leave him here?
“I’m sorry,” he murmured to Kazuya, only he wasn’t sure what he was sorry about anymore - that Kazuya’s mother’s condition had gotten worse again, or that he was so selfish that he wanted Kazuya to remain with him even if it meant his mother’s bad health, “I’m sorry.”
* * *
When they got back to the house, they spent hours in complete silence. Kazuya had locked himself in his room the moment they got back, and Jin was wandering the house; it wasn’t until now that he realized how much everything had changed. And yet, he had no trouble getting around and bringing up memories of this place when he had last been here years ago.
A turn around a corner led him into a room he had always associated with ‘forbidden’, mostly because Kazuya had always refrained from going inside whenever he brought Jin over. Peeking his head in, Jin’s attention was immediately caught by the two frames on a dresser at the front of the room.
A feeling of dread filled him as he approached the frames; his fears were verified when he heard Kazuya’s cold voice from behind.
“It figures you’d end up here if I left you alone for too long.”
Jin twisted around, a guilty look crossing his face, “I didn’t mean - I…” he trailed off because Kazuya was approaching and the sad look that crossed the younger man’s face was enough to make it feel as though his heart would break.
“What - I thought - I thought they had just moved away -” Jin explained, swallowing as he indicated the framed pictures of Kazuya’s parents, “I thought maybe, they were with your brothers or -” he trailed off, staring at the pictures that were placed in such a way that left no question about where Kazuya’s parents were now.
“Well, they’re not,” Kazuya retorted, “They died. Didn’t you know? Reio and I both sent you a letter, since they liked you when we were kids and all.”
“I…never opened anything that came from this town…” Jin admitted, a twinge of guilt twisting through him.
Kazuya’s expression was emotionless as he stared at Jin, “Figures, I suppose.”
Jin almost didn’t dare to ask, but in a small voice he managed, “How? Your mother - she was getting better…”
“She got worse again - happened all the time when we were younger, why does it surprise you now?” Kazuya asked, eyes closed as he clapped his hands together as a prayer for his parents, “Except this time, she didn’t get better.”
“Your father -”
“My father was probably the reason my mother didn’t get better,” Kazuya said, heading toward the door. Jin followed, not wanting to ruin this one moment when Kazuya was actually talking somewhat civilly to him.
“Huh?” was the only thing he managed to say.
“I was off at university, living with my brother. He hurt himself, and didn’t see fit to tell any of us because he thought we’d drop everything and help out at home instead,” Kazuya said bitterly, “I probably would have even if Youjiro and Koji didn’t; and because we didn’t know, he went off and kept working while still too injured to do anything. He stressed his body too much and it just gave out in the end.”
“And your -” Jin didn’t finish but he didn’t have to.
“She died not long after him; she just gave up, I guess,” Kazuya said, a sigh on his lips as they walked into the kitchen. Jin sat down, watching Kazuya, not wanting to ruin this - Kazuya was finally talking to him, and even though it was still in that cold voice that Jin hated, at least he was talking.
“I’m sorry,” Jin whispered. Kazuya downed the glass he had left out on the kitchen counter, next to a bottle of nearly empty scotch. Jin had a feeling that this was why Kazuya was suddenly so talkative - he was probably half-drunk.
But even a half-drunk Kazuya would have kept away from him if he hated him; either that, or start yelling at him. Jin’s curiosity, as always, got the best of him.
“Why - why are you…you hate me, don’t you?” he asked. He had expected it coming here, but he had had no idea how much it would hurt to be treated like an enemy by Kazuya. And if he had to take advantage of a drunken Kazuya to find out the truth, well, he’d rather know the truth.
“Yeah, I hate you,” Kazuya said coldly, gulping down more of his drink, “So much so that you were the one I wanted there at their funerals.”
Jin froze at those words, staring wide-eyed at Kazuya, who had noticed that the bottle no longer had anything in it and dropped it in the trashcan in disgust.
“Why?”
Kazuya turned, a bitter smile on his face, “Probably because back then, I was still naïve enough to believe you’d make everything better like you used to,” he had sat down at the table as well, leaning in to watch Jin’s expressions.
Jin felt completely naked under the scrutiny. He gasped as Kazuya’s hands tugged on the collar of his shirt, bringing him closer; their faces were barely inches apart and Jin could smell the alcohol in Kazuya’s breath. His own breath hitched at this, at this familiar position of having Kazuya’s lips so close to his own, at how Kazuya’s fingers were travelling along his neck, slowly and carefully - the sensation made him shiver and stare at Kazuya, his heart beating much too quickly.
So familiar, so easily caught under the spell that was Kazuya.
His eyes were trying to find anything to look at to escape Kazuya’s burning gaze on his; he caught a glimpse of smooth skin showing from the half-unbuttoned collar shirt that Kazuya wore instead and his breath caught again. Fingers continued up his neck and Jin was beginning to give in, to stop fighting, to just lower his lips onto Kazuya’s again -
A startled and slightly pained scream echoed through the house when Kazuya suddenly yanked on Jin’s hair that his fingers had innocently gotten tangled in. Watering eyes gazed at Kazuya as the younger man pulled once more on Jin’s dark locks, bringing the older man’s face closer, “But I mostly wanted you there, because I wanted to hit you.”
His eyes were smouldering with anger and hurt and Jin’s breath hitched again, “It - it wouldn’t have brought them back,” Jin whispered, “Hitting me wouldn’t have brought them back.”
“No, but it would have meant you were actually there and I wasn’t a damn stupid fool for hoping you’d actually come back,” Kazuya hissed, his hold on Jin’s hair tightening painfully.
“I - I’m here now?” Jin tried, trying not to wince. That was most likely the worst thing he could say right now.
Kazuya hissed in disgust and let go off him. He shook his head as he stood up, “I don’t know what I was ever thinking; I guess I should be thankful that you at least cared enough about Reio to come back for him,” he said bitterly as he walked off.
Jin wanted to stand up and run after Kazuya, explain himself, but explain what, he didn’t know. He had been the one to leave, the one to ignore all letters from Kazuya, leaving them unopened; he hadn’t been there to help Kazuya through what had obviously hurt him a great deal; he was the one who ruined any relationship they had ever had in the past, whether friendship or anything more. It was all him, and he knew it.
Jin almost wished he had never met Kazuya all those years ago; then, the younger man would never be feeling the hurt he was feeling now.
And Jin would not be missing what he’d had with Kazuya all those years ago, like he was now.
* * *
Left alone in a completely silent kitchen, Jin began to remember things again - these memories he thought he had buried deep inside and locked away just kept coming back when Kazuya was involved. He remembered how by the time he was thirteen, he, like all other boys his age, had begun to notice the opposite sex, and how in the year that he turned seventeen, he had begun to notice Kazuya instead.
By then, the year that the two had been forced to spend in different schools had come to an end, as Kazuya had entered his first year at Jin’s high school. No longer did Jin have to sneak off the grounds of the high school and into the middle school down the road, just so he could spend breaks with Kazuya. It was almost as though that year hadn’t even occurred - the moment Kazuya stepped into Jin’s high school, it was just the same as before. They were always together; nobody bothered them as though it was some unspoken law, just like how it was an unspoken law that to find one, the teachers just had to look for the other. They were simply never apart.
That, Jin presumed, was how he had begun to notice how Kazuya would neglect to do up the top buttons of the uniform’s open collar shirt, and the way the smooth skin flashed teasingly across Jin’s vision, before disappearing behind white cloth once Kazuya shifted, but not escaping Jin’s notice; or how Kazuya would lick his lips whenever he was nervous; or how…
Those lips wreaked havoc on his senses.
One hand was on the wall next to Kazuya’s head, and the other was pushing the younger boy’s shoulder against the wall, as he crushed his lips to Kazuya’s. He pressed his body closer to Kazuya’s, making the younger man back up even more against the wall, effectively trapping Kazuya between himself and the wall. Warm lips returned the kiss, and hands that Jin had held too many times, wandered to Jin’s waist, tugging on his shirt, until the white button-up shirt was no longer tucked inside his pants like the school dress code required.
Jin’s breath hitched as fingers teasingly eased up the skin beneath his shirt, creating torturous patterns that made him bite down on Kazuya’s lower lip with a moan. He drew away for a moment, his lips hovering just above Kazuya’s. Heavy breathing hung in the air between them. He could feel warm puffs of air on his lips, and half-lidded eyes looked up at him. That was enough to make him lean in again, making any distance between their bodies non-existent, and capture Kazuya’s lips again in quick, furious kisses.
“Not…” Kazuya breathed out between kisses, “That I’m complaining…”
His hands had begun to finish undoing the buttons on Jin’s already half-unbuttoned shirt, fingers leaving teasing and feather-soft touches with each button he undid, “But…” another kiss broke off his sentence again, “What brought this on?”
Kissing was halted for a moment in favour of moving his lips just below Kazuya’s ear, soft whispers making the younger boy shiver, “Want to leave,” he said, aware of the effect that his breath on Kazuya’s skin had on the younger boy, “Want to take you with me,” he murmured.
Kazuya had gotten his shirt unbuttoned, it seemed, and Jin let out a gasp as he suddenly found himself against the wall instead, Kazuya’s hands pushing against his chest. The younger man leaned in, words sounding softly in Jin’s ears, “What happened?”
Jin’s hands crisscrossed behind Kazuya, pushing him closer against him. Their kisses had turned into long, reassuring ones, “I hate this town,” he murmured against Kazuya’s lips, “I hate this town so much.”
“I know,” Kazuya said aloud, “You’re going to leave as soon as you graduate,” he said knowingly. Even with his mind clouded by Kazuya’s hands inching closer to his collarbone, Jin didn’t miss the hidden sad tone in the younger boy’s voice.
“Kazuya.”
Taking advantage of the short moment of Kazuya lost in thoughts and looking down, Jin twisted them around so they were back with Kazuya trapped between him and the wall. He laid his forehead against Kazuya’s as he spoke, “I won’t leave without you.”
Kazuya’s eyes, staring into his, showed a mix of doubt and hope.
“You’re the only one who’s kept me sane in this town. I won’t leave while you’re still here.”
“Promise?”
He almost thought he had imagined the soft whisper, but the warm breath that tickled his skin with those words told him otherwise.
“I promise,” he said confidently, before leaning in for yet another kiss.
* * *
The week that followed Kazuya’s half-drunk confessions went by quickly - or slowly, depending what was happening at the moment. The slow times were the evenings after they got back to the house, when Kazuya would simply go off somewhere, making it clear that Jin was not to follow. The younger man had gone back to the cold demeanour he had been showing Jin since Jin had arrived, although from time to time, Jin could catch hints of hurt and anger in his posture, but he always decided not to say anything about it.
What could he do even if he said anything?
The times that went by quickly were the final funeral arrangements during the day. First, watching the casket get sealed, and then the cremation. During all this, Jin was briefly aware he had been told they could come back in two hours, but he barely registered it. He stood there for the full two hours, watching as flames licked at the casket, and it wasn’t until after there was nothing but ashes that he realized Kazuya was still standing behind him, so stiff and still, he was like a statue. The bone and ash collection was even tougher on Jin’s emotions, mostly because he felt completely alone in that. Not even his insistence that Kazuya was practically family to Reio would get the younger man do anything but watch.
Jin shifted nervously in the chair, looking around the disturbingly tidy office he was sitting in. Beside him, Kazuya was there, looking as calm and collected as always, but the grip the younger man had on the seat of his chair told Jin otherwise. When Jin tried to shoot an attempt at a reassuring smile at him, Kazuya’s face grew stony and he removed his fists from the chair and other than the rigid back, showed no more sign of anything but collected coldness.
Jin could almost swear that the Kazuya in front of him and the Kazuya from his childhood were two completely different people.
When did you start blocking everything off from everyone…even me? He wondered that sadly, but he had a feeling he knew already.
“If you’re ready…” the lawyer said hesitantly, as though sensing the tension between Jin and Kazuya. They had driven almost two hours to the nearest town to see the lawyer, and he was the closest lawyer available to anyone living in that town.
“This,” he took out a folder, “Is your copy of the final will of Akanishi Reio.”
He pushed the folder toward them. Jin glanced at it briefly before looking at Kazuya, who took it in his hands.
“I will give you some time to read it over between yourselves,” he said, standing up and leaving the room. Jin glanced at Kazuya, who was opening the folder. The younger man quietly handed Jin a set of papers, obviously Jin’s copy. Jin wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to read this, but he knew he had to, or else he’d have to leave everything in Kazuya’s hands - again.
He took a deep breath.
This is the Last Will and Testament of Akanishi Reio.
I hereby revoke all former Wills and other Testamentary Dispositions by me at any time heretofore made and declare this only to be and contain my Last Will and Testament.
And as he continued to read, Jin’s eyes couldn’t help but blur just a little. He was reading his little brother’s will - this was real, this was…
Tears leaked out from his eyes as he furiously tried to wipe them away, “So not fair, damn it,” he muttered, staring at the words on the page that told him that Reio had left him some of his savings in the small bank in their town. Why? He hadn’t talked to Reio since he left - he had ignored all of Reio’s letters and hadn’t seen his brother in nearly eight years. He hadn’t gone to any of the important events in Reio’s life, hadn’t been there for anything; why did Reio leave him anything? He didn’t deserve anything -
“I’m the executor…and trustee.”
The surprised words that came from Kazuya’s mouth made Jin look up with a nod. He had seen that, and honestly, he had expected that. But Kazuya still seemed surprised, if the way he stared at the papers in his hands was any indication.
“Of course you are - Reio trusted you,” Jin said without thinking, forgetting for a moment that Kazuya still hated him.
However, Kazuya didn’t say anything and Jin breathed a sigh of relief.
Before long, the door opened once more. The lawyer had returned and he sat down at his desk.
“The will, as you see, is very straight-forward,” he began, “You, Kamenashi-san, are the executor, which means you are the one to make sure everything in his will is carried out the way he wanted.”
Kazuya nodded.
“Now, I don’t expect you to decide what to do with your…inheritance so quickly, so I expect to hear from you after you’ve had time to read this more thoroughly and -”
“The trust fund he set up three years ago. I want to know if, with his death -” Kazuya asked quickly.
“He has named you the trustee of that fund, so it will fall under your responsibility as long as you are willing to take on that role -”
“I am” Kazuya said without skipping a beat, “I’d like to keep it as it’s been going for the past few years. As long as that is settled, I believe the rest of it can wait until we’ve had time to read it over carefully, can’t it?” he asked as he stood up, “We’ll be back in a few days.”
The lawyer nodded understandingly, as though expecting that, “Before you leave, as a…personal favour, Akanishi-san asked me to give these to you two with his will,” he said, opening a drawer in his desk and pulling out two envelopes.
He handed one to each of them, “I’ll see you in a few days then.”
Kazuya nodded and then left. Jin quickly followed Kazuya, trying to match his brisk pace.
Jin had barely buckled his seatbelt before Kazuya drove off quickly.
“Kazuya?”
He was startled when he realized that tears were glistening in the corners of Kazuya’s eyes, and the younger man was obviously working to keep his expression blank. That explained the quick exit from the lawyer’s office; the younger man had been struggling not to cry and thus, had quickly accepted the lawyer’s offer to discuss it in a few days.
Jin hated it.
He hated that he could no longer comfort Kazuya like he used to. It hurt that he could no longer take those tears away.
But he didn’t know what he could do anymore…
* * *
------ Part 2 ------
Pairing: akame
Word count: 23 300
Rating: PG-13/ PG-15
Summary: Jin has made many mistakes, but the one he regrets the most is leaving Kazuya. Now, with a death in his family, Jin goes back to where it all started - and to a Kazuya who is determined to hate him...
So um...hey ^___^ *waves* so my first post in this comm well, one that's a fic anyways The title of this fic comes from the song 'I Hope' by F.T. Island. Since it was the lyrics to that song that first inspired me for this fic, I thought it would be only fitting that I used the same song for the title of this fic. Also, please keep in mind that this is AU. ^___^
And finally, I'd like to thankpinkeuphoria1 for looking this fic over/basically beta-ing this fic ♥ Thank you so much Isa!♥
And now I'll let you read ^-^ enjoy~
--- I HOPE ---
Kazuya was waiting for Jin when he stepped out of the station, one hand pulling a suitcase along, the other struggling to keep a hold of the duffel bag. His hands were red from holding the bag, his feet were stiff from sitting cramped for so long, and he was tired and cranky from the trip, but it didn’t stop a small, relieved smile from crossing his face when he saw the younger man. Kazuya hadn’t changed much, and yet, had changed completely - during uncomfortable situations, he still showed others a polite smile that was so perfect and could fool everyone, including Jin's mother, who had known Kazuya for years… everyone except Jin.
Jin remembered the many years he had spent here, and how his mother would go on and on about ‘Kazuya-chan’. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and concentrated on the man in front of him. It was just a bit strange to see that look on him when no one else but Jin was around.
“Hey,” he greeted, just a bit awkwardly, “It’s been a while.”
And it had. Years and years had passed without Jin realizing it; he wasn’t sure what he could say now without making the tension between them even more awkward.
“It has,” Kazuya finally said, just a bit curtly. They stood there for a while more, just shifting awkwardly, before Kazuya reached over and took Jin’s duffel bag from him, “I have the car parked nearby.” He said and without a backwards look at Jin, he walked away.
Jin sighed and followed; as he slipped into the passenger seat beside Kazuya, he cast a look around the car appreciatively, “This is new, isn’t it?”
Kazuya’s answer sounded just a bit amused, “You expected me to keep driving my brother’s half-broken truck?”
Jin chuckled sheepishly, “Guess not. What happened to it then?”
“Sold it,” was Kazuya’s brusque reply.
They sat in silence again for a few moments before Jin finally spoke, “Thanks…for doing this.”
Kazuya didn’t answer and Jin almost thought that Kame had been too wrapped up in his thoughts to hear what he had said, but Kazuya’s white knuckles gripping the steering wheel gave him away. Jin didn’t know what to say, because he knew how hard this must have been on Kazuya as well.
“Sorry,” he said, leaning back to stare out the window.
“It’s okay.” Kazuya replied, but his tone clearly implied that it wasn’t.
The rest of the trip continued in silence, and Jin couldn’t help but wonder if this was how the next month was going to be like.
* * *
Looking out the window at the passing scenery as Kazuya drove in determined stony silence, Jin could still remember the last time he had been back here. Back then, he hated summer, because summer meant coming here to stay with his mother. Summer meant leaving the big city for this small, seaside town where the most interesting thing to do was to listen to the town gossip. He had been so eager to get away, he hadn’t cared about anything else - all that mattered was never coming back here, never listening to another speech of how he should be ‘working like his brother’ instead of wandering the beaches, trying to find something fun to do.
And before long, the summers had grown longer and longer; he wasn’t just staying for one month of summer anymore. Soon, it had grown to two, and then he was somehow not going back to the city for the fall term, and then he was also staying through the winter, attending the big - but compared to his old school in the city, small - school in town. This went on for a while and Jin remembered being more and more disappointed each time he got a letter in the mail, with the same two words already written at the end - and sometimes, they were the only words written on the paper.
Not yet.
And slowly, the feeling of being a prisoner in this town grew and grew and grew, until Jin was finally released from this prison; he never looked back, no matter if he knew that there was at least one good thing about this town, and he was leaving him behind.
* * *
Everything was already prepared, Jin found out. Kazuya had interrupted the silence in the car with a curt announcement that they were going to the temple first. He watched Kazuya as the younger man talked to the people at the temple about the wake the next day. He had wandered away from the conversation soon after it started, not wanting to talk about the death arrangements for his brother. He knew it wasn’t right, letting Kazuya do all this, when it was his brother, but Jin couldn’t deal with discussing this at the moment.
He was aware of the curious looks the people at the temple were sending him, and he knew what they were thinking. If Jin was here and able to take over the arrangements, then why was Kazuya still the one talking to them? Jin shifted nervously under their gazes, before he walked back over to Kazuya.
“Ah, Jin, finally decided to join us?” the priest asked lightly, a smile crossing his face, probably from seeing Jin again, who he had known since a small child. It quickly turned into a confused look when Jin shook his head.
Kazuya’s face was blank when Jin turned to him, “I’m going back to the car,” he announced. He didn’t expect an answer from the younger man - and he didn’t get one.
As he trudged back to the car, he couldn’t help but think about how hard this was going to be. Tomorrow, he was going to the wake of his brother, who he hadn’t even seen since the day he left this town. And sometime in the next month, he was going to have to visit his mother, and that was all Jin knew. There were numerous other details and problems left to him with his brother’s death and he had no idea how he was going to sort through them all.
With a sigh, he dug into his pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes.
--
Jin had gone through three cigarettes before Kazuya finally returned. He quickly jumped up from the curb he had been sitting on while waiting for Kazuya and the younger man cocked an eyebrow.
“What?” Jin asked defensively, “I forgot to ask you for the keys.”
“This isn’t Tokyo,” Kazuya retorted with a smirk, “And I wouldn’t have given them to you anyways.”
And with a groan, Jin realized how right he was. This wasn’t Tokyo, or another big city where somebody could steal your car if you left it unlocked. This was a town where everyone knew each other and even if you were new here, you’d know everyone by the end of the week. Stealing a car would be pointless in this town, because within a few hours, you would know who had it.
“I feel stupid,” Jin muttered as he slipped into the passenger seat. Kazuya didn’t answer. Instead, he started the car and drove off, heading down a familiar road.
“We have to come back here tomorrow,” Kazuya finally said, “It’ll be early. I don’t expect you to want to get up that early, so I’ll get someone to pick -”
“No, I can get up,” Jin interrupted. At the disbelieving look he got, Jin bristled defensively, “I can!”
“Alright,” Kazuya said with a shrug of his shoulders as he turned his full attention back onto the road. Jin shifted nervously in the silence - he wasn’t used to this. Things had gotten so awkward and Kazuya had gotten so cold, when it used to be that Kazuya was the only person he could say anything and everything to.
Now, he couldn’t even manage a single word.
“Kazuya, I -”
“We’re here,” Kazuya cut through shortly. They weren’t really; there was still a bit left before they reached that familiar house, but Jin didn’t point that out. He didn’t want Kazuya to become even more hostile towards him.
When they finally did pull up in the driveway, Kazuya helped him with his bags and then directed him to the bedroom that he would be staying in.
“Your brother’s old room?” Jin quirked an eyebrow, hoping that that would spark some sort of conversation with the younger man.
“He doesn’t live here anymore,” Kazuya shrugged, “It’s not like he’ll mind.”
“What about -”
“Nobody else lives here now,” Kazuya retorted, “Reio - Reio did…” he swallowed, “I’d give you the room he was using, but I don’t think you’d like that”
Jin shivered. No, he wouldn’t want to live in Reio’s room. Not when they were burying Reio soon.
“No, this is fine,” he replied, “What about -”
“I’ll let you unpack,” Kazuya interrupted yet again, and Jin couldn’t help but feel a bit annoyed. Every time he tried to strike up a conversation with the younger man, the other would interrupt him and then avoid talking to him completely. It was annoying and made Jin feel like he wasn’t welcome.
Jin opened his mouth to say exactly what he thought of Kazuya at the moment, but one look into Kazuya’s eyes stopped him.
He wasn’t welcome.
He quickly retreated into the room and shut the door quietly behind him.
* * *
Jin thought too much when he was left alone - always did and probably always would. Right now, left alone in Kazuya’s brother’s room, he could only think of the past, of a time when Kazuya would greet him with the brightest smile in the world, even when they had first met back when he was fourteen and Kazuya was twelve. He could even remember how he had wandered the beach until he had found Kazuya looking hopefully at the waves and holding a surfboard under his arm.
“It’s not funny!” Jin spluttered as he climbed out of the water after falling off the surfboard for what was probably the twenty-fifth time. He couldn’t even balance himself on it properly and he glared balefully at the stranger who was hiding his laughter behind a grin.
“Of course it is,” the other boy replied, “I’ve never seen someone try so many times and fall off every time.”
“I’d like to see you do better!” Jin retorted.
The smaller boy quirked an eyebrow, “I own this surfboard.”
“Doesn’t mean you can do it,” Jin accused with a suspicious look, “It could all just be for show!”
“Well, that makes you pretty stupid, doesn’t it, if you’ve been taking surfing lessons for the past two hours from someone who doesn’t even know how to.”
Jin had to admit…that did make him feel incredibly stupid.
“Shut up.”
That only caused the other boy to laugh more, “Oh, maybe this town won’t be that bad after all,” he mused as he waded into the water, leaving the surfboard on the beach. The waves weren’t really good enough to surf, but the lack of good waves was what was ideal for teaching Jin how to stay on the board.
Jin followed, “You’re new here right? I haven’t seen you before.”
“Yeah, just moved in; my parents wanted the fresh air and lack of city pollution,” the shorter boy grinned, “I made a run for the beach the moment people started knocking on our door.”
“Good move.” Jin couldn’t help but grin back.
* * *
The wake, Jin would have to say, went by fast. He could barely remember anything that had happened. He had been half asleep when Kazuya woke him up. It took one look at Kazuya and the dark circles under his eyes that told Jin that like him, Kazuya had barely slept. The weight of the upcoming events later that day had kept them both up.
Then, reaching the altar that held the casket with his brother inside, Jin had nearly broken down. This was real - this wasn’t something he could walk away from like he had for most of the things in his life. His brother was dead. He was dead and Jin couldn’t just run away now to avoid the topic, come back and, somehow, everything would be better. It didn’t work that way when it came to death.
Jin had barely managed to muffle the sob that escaped his lips as that sunk in. His mind wandered all on its own as he stared at the picture of Reio, probably from his younger brother’s high school graduation, a grin on his face. Jin hadn’t even bothered to come back to attend that - this, on his brother’s death bed, was the first time Jin had come back to see his brother in years.
He was a horrible person, he really was - always running away, always leaving, never trying to stay to work things out, until, like now, it was too late.
And with those thoughts, the wake went by without him even realizing it. He remembered being next to Kazuya, nodding stiffly to the condolences given; he remembered how he kept staring at Reio’s picture; and he remembered watching people leave, wishing they’d all just go away quickly so he could break down like he wanted to.
“Here.”
Jin looked up when a package of tissues was thrust into his face. He hadn’t even realized he had moved and followed Kazuya back to the car.
He took it hesitantly, “I don’t -”
“Don’t try to tell me you didn’t want to cry, because I’m not blind,” Kazuya said coldly, smoothing down the creases in his suit, head turned away from Jin again, “Even if you did manage to hold it in. That’s good; the not crying thing.”
Jin clutched the package and stared at Kazuya, whose eyes were fixed on the road in that same determined coldness as the day before. Anger, stemming from his grief at his loss, rushed over him. He was so calm, he was so cold, he was so -
“And what? It’s wrong to cry when my brother died?!” Jin snarled defensively, “You could be a bit more compassionate! My brother just died, and you’re commenting on how well I was able to keep up appearances?!” he slammed a fist against the window in anger, “So what if I want to cry?! It’s not wrong and I am so sick of your attitude toward me! I’ve been doing my best to keep you happy but it’s always, always, acting like you barely tolerate me! I hate it and I hate how you’re so damn frigid that you don’t even care that he died! If you did, you wouldn’t tell me that not crying was a good thing!”
He let out a yelp when Kazuya swerved and slammed on the brakes, the car in a haphazard position on the side of the road.
“Don’t think you’re the only one who’s grieving!” Kazuya hissed, knuckles turning white from how hard he was clutching the steering wheel, “Don’t think you’re the only one this affects! You’re not the one who had to go through all the funeral arrangements by himself and be expected not to shed a single fucking tear! You’re not the one who had to visit your mother and tell her that the one son that actually loved her had died, and the other one, well, he might come back to see her if he felt like it! You’re not the one who had to call, well, you, and get yelled at!” Kazuya was holding the steering wheel so tightly, Jin was almost sure it would break under Kazuya’s grip soon, “You’re not the one who just lost the one person who kept me sane after you left!”
And those words - those last, accusing, words that tumbled from Kazuya’s mouth - were like a slap in the face. He stared with wide eyes at Kazuya, who had tears in his eyes as he glared determinedly ahead.
“Kazuya -” Jin reached over and before Kazuya could realize what he was doing, he had wrapped the younger man in an embrace. He breathed a sigh as he did; the smaller body felt so familiar, and he remembered this so well. The memories that came up from this mere familiar touch made the tears finally spill over, leaving warm marks on his cheeks.
“What the -” Kazuya hissed angrily, “Get off, Akanishi, get the hell off me! Don’t fucking touch me! Get off you -” he was hitting Jin wherever he could reach, but Jin refused to let go, holding onto the one familiar thing that he still had. The tears that fell wouldn’t stop, no matter how much he wanted them to.
“I know you can’t stand me anymore, but just until this is over, let’s grieve together; going back to your place and crying alone in our rooms will only make today seem worse, so please…just let me cry with you, until all this is over.”
He didn’t mention that he was already crying, but even though Kazuya couldn’t see his face, the younger man probably already knew that. Just like how he knew that Kazuya’s body wrapped in his arms was familiar; and right now, reality was too frightening and painful for him to let go of this familiarity. He didn’t care that he was practically begging right now, as long as he didn’t have to face reality, and the grief, alone.
Kazuya had stilled and his only answer was burying his face into his hands, hunching over and letting the tears fall freely.
* * *
Jin had had to eventually let go of Kazuya, and the younger man, eyes red from crying and hands shaking just a little, started the drive back. Jin knew from the look that had re-entered Kazuya’s eyes that the brief moment of Kazuya not hating him, when they had cried together in grief, was over and he didn’t bother arguing Kazuya’s decision to drive.
Jin leaned his cheek, sticky from the tears, against the cold window pane, an inaudible sigh escaping his lips. Why was it that right now, the past seemed much more pleasant than the present? Back then, he didn’t need to plead and cry for Kazuya to let him hold him…
When he began to live with his mother full-time during the winter when he was fourteen, he ended up in the same school as Kazuya. And because of that, he was always found in Kazuya’s company; they were always together when they weren’t in class and perhaps it was his reputation of being the sulky and snappy kid that used to wander around town during the summer, but everyone else always left them alone.
Jin took full advantage of that fact and he took pleasure in seeing how Kazuya’s eyes, regardless of his complaints, would shine with mirth when Jin would drag him out of school with the intent of skipping classes that day.
“I can’t believe you dragged me out of class again,” Kazuya complained to him as they sat on the sand. As usual, they had ended up at the beach, “You know that we always get in trouble in the end because nothing is secret in this town.”
“Yeah, I figured that out that one time I cursed at Reio and ran off and then when I came back, everyone was scolding me for my language,” Jin paused, “And I do mean everyone.” He grimaced.
Kazuya laughed, “Well, it’s not like I mind too much. I need a break once in a while,” he said, standing up, but Jin didn’t miss the emotion that flashed across his face. He stood up quickly as well, following the shorter boy.
“Kazuya...”
The younger boy turned to shoot him a bright, dazzling smile that might have fooled anyone else, but it only told Jin that something was clearly bothering his friend.
“Something’s wrong,” he stated it as a fact, because he knew if he tried to ask it like a question, Kazuya would only deny it.
“Maybe…I don’t know,” the younger boy shrugged and he bit down on his lower lip. Then, with a grin at Jin, he ran into the water until he was waist deep in it. Jin followed in confusion, until he saw Kazuya sink beneath the surface and come back up, completely drenched.
Jin waded in after him, “You’re an idiot,” he said, staring at the droplets now trailing down Kazuya’s cheeks, “The water won’t hide the fact that you cry, you know that right?”
Kazuya looked startled and then he looked down, playing with the hem of his drenched shirt.
“Kazuya,” Jin’s arms had wrapped easily around Kazuya. The younger boy didn’t move, didn’t do anything, but Jin did see a shake of his shoulders, as though a silent sob had just escaped, “I’m sorry about your mother,” he murmured in the younger boy’s ear, “I didn’t want you to think about it today, but I guess it can’t be helped. She’ll get better Kazuya, she always does. Don’t cry.” He paused, “Or cry all you want on me, whatever you want to do.”
The only answer he got was silence but he tightened his hold.
Was it wrong to think that he didn’t want Kazuya’s mother to recover completely, when her sickness was the reason Kazuya’s family had moved here in the first place? Was it wrong to want her to still remain a little sick, just so Kazuya wouldn’t leave him here?
“I’m sorry,” he murmured to Kazuya, only he wasn’t sure what he was sorry about anymore - that Kazuya’s mother’s condition had gotten worse again, or that he was so selfish that he wanted Kazuya to remain with him even if it meant his mother’s bad health, “I’m sorry.”
* * *
When they got back to the house, they spent hours in complete silence. Kazuya had locked himself in his room the moment they got back, and Jin was wandering the house; it wasn’t until now that he realized how much everything had changed. And yet, he had no trouble getting around and bringing up memories of this place when he had last been here years ago.
A turn around a corner led him into a room he had always associated with ‘forbidden’, mostly because Kazuya had always refrained from going inside whenever he brought Jin over. Peeking his head in, Jin’s attention was immediately caught by the two frames on a dresser at the front of the room.
A feeling of dread filled him as he approached the frames; his fears were verified when he heard Kazuya’s cold voice from behind.
“It figures you’d end up here if I left you alone for too long.”
Jin twisted around, a guilty look crossing his face, “I didn’t mean - I…” he trailed off because Kazuya was approaching and the sad look that crossed the younger man’s face was enough to make it feel as though his heart would break.
“What - I thought - I thought they had just moved away -” Jin explained, swallowing as he indicated the framed pictures of Kazuya’s parents, “I thought maybe, they were with your brothers or -” he trailed off, staring at the pictures that were placed in such a way that left no question about where Kazuya’s parents were now.
“Well, they’re not,” Kazuya retorted, “They died. Didn’t you know? Reio and I both sent you a letter, since they liked you when we were kids and all.”
“I…never opened anything that came from this town…” Jin admitted, a twinge of guilt twisting through him.
Kazuya’s expression was emotionless as he stared at Jin, “Figures, I suppose.”
Jin almost didn’t dare to ask, but in a small voice he managed, “How? Your mother - she was getting better…”
“She got worse again - happened all the time when we were younger, why does it surprise you now?” Kazuya asked, eyes closed as he clapped his hands together as a prayer for his parents, “Except this time, she didn’t get better.”
“Your father -”
“My father was probably the reason my mother didn’t get better,” Kazuya said, heading toward the door. Jin followed, not wanting to ruin this one moment when Kazuya was actually talking somewhat civilly to him.
“Huh?” was the only thing he managed to say.
“I was off at university, living with my brother. He hurt himself, and didn’t see fit to tell any of us because he thought we’d drop everything and help out at home instead,” Kazuya said bitterly, “I probably would have even if Youjiro and Koji didn’t; and because we didn’t know, he went off and kept working while still too injured to do anything. He stressed his body too much and it just gave out in the end.”
“And your -” Jin didn’t finish but he didn’t have to.
“She died not long after him; she just gave up, I guess,” Kazuya said, a sigh on his lips as they walked into the kitchen. Jin sat down, watching Kazuya, not wanting to ruin this - Kazuya was finally talking to him, and even though it was still in that cold voice that Jin hated, at least he was talking.
“I’m sorry,” Jin whispered. Kazuya downed the glass he had left out on the kitchen counter, next to a bottle of nearly empty scotch. Jin had a feeling that this was why Kazuya was suddenly so talkative - he was probably half-drunk.
But even a half-drunk Kazuya would have kept away from him if he hated him; either that, or start yelling at him. Jin’s curiosity, as always, got the best of him.
“Why - why are you…you hate me, don’t you?” he asked. He had expected it coming here, but he had had no idea how much it would hurt to be treated like an enemy by Kazuya. And if he had to take advantage of a drunken Kazuya to find out the truth, well, he’d rather know the truth.
“Yeah, I hate you,” Kazuya said coldly, gulping down more of his drink, “So much so that you were the one I wanted there at their funerals.”
Jin froze at those words, staring wide-eyed at Kazuya, who had noticed that the bottle no longer had anything in it and dropped it in the trashcan in disgust.
“Why?”
Kazuya turned, a bitter smile on his face, “Probably because back then, I was still naïve enough to believe you’d make everything better like you used to,” he had sat down at the table as well, leaning in to watch Jin’s expressions.
Jin felt completely naked under the scrutiny. He gasped as Kazuya’s hands tugged on the collar of his shirt, bringing him closer; their faces were barely inches apart and Jin could smell the alcohol in Kazuya’s breath. His own breath hitched at this, at this familiar position of having Kazuya’s lips so close to his own, at how Kazuya’s fingers were travelling along his neck, slowly and carefully - the sensation made him shiver and stare at Kazuya, his heart beating much too quickly.
So familiar, so easily caught under the spell that was Kazuya.
His eyes were trying to find anything to look at to escape Kazuya’s burning gaze on his; he caught a glimpse of smooth skin showing from the half-unbuttoned collar shirt that Kazuya wore instead and his breath caught again. Fingers continued up his neck and Jin was beginning to give in, to stop fighting, to just lower his lips onto Kazuya’s again -
A startled and slightly pained scream echoed through the house when Kazuya suddenly yanked on Jin’s hair that his fingers had innocently gotten tangled in. Watering eyes gazed at Kazuya as the younger man pulled once more on Jin’s dark locks, bringing the older man’s face closer, “But I mostly wanted you there, because I wanted to hit you.”
His eyes were smouldering with anger and hurt and Jin’s breath hitched again, “It - it wouldn’t have brought them back,” Jin whispered, “Hitting me wouldn’t have brought them back.”
“No, but it would have meant you were actually there and I wasn’t a damn stupid fool for hoping you’d actually come back,” Kazuya hissed, his hold on Jin’s hair tightening painfully.
“I - I’m here now?” Jin tried, trying not to wince. That was most likely the worst thing he could say right now.
Kazuya hissed in disgust and let go off him. He shook his head as he stood up, “I don’t know what I was ever thinking; I guess I should be thankful that you at least cared enough about Reio to come back for him,” he said bitterly as he walked off.
Jin wanted to stand up and run after Kazuya, explain himself, but explain what, he didn’t know. He had been the one to leave, the one to ignore all letters from Kazuya, leaving them unopened; he hadn’t been there to help Kazuya through what had obviously hurt him a great deal; he was the one who ruined any relationship they had ever had in the past, whether friendship or anything more. It was all him, and he knew it.
Jin almost wished he had never met Kazuya all those years ago; then, the younger man would never be feeling the hurt he was feeling now.
And Jin would not be missing what he’d had with Kazuya all those years ago, like he was now.
* * *
Left alone in a completely silent kitchen, Jin began to remember things again - these memories he thought he had buried deep inside and locked away just kept coming back when Kazuya was involved. He remembered how by the time he was thirteen, he, like all other boys his age, had begun to notice the opposite sex, and how in the year that he turned seventeen, he had begun to notice Kazuya instead.
By then, the year that the two had been forced to spend in different schools had come to an end, as Kazuya had entered his first year at Jin’s high school. No longer did Jin have to sneak off the grounds of the high school and into the middle school down the road, just so he could spend breaks with Kazuya. It was almost as though that year hadn’t even occurred - the moment Kazuya stepped into Jin’s high school, it was just the same as before. They were always together; nobody bothered them as though it was some unspoken law, just like how it was an unspoken law that to find one, the teachers just had to look for the other. They were simply never apart.
That, Jin presumed, was how he had begun to notice how Kazuya would neglect to do up the top buttons of the uniform’s open collar shirt, and the way the smooth skin flashed teasingly across Jin’s vision, before disappearing behind white cloth once Kazuya shifted, but not escaping Jin’s notice; or how Kazuya would lick his lips whenever he was nervous; or how…
Those lips wreaked havoc on his senses.
One hand was on the wall next to Kazuya’s head, and the other was pushing the younger boy’s shoulder against the wall, as he crushed his lips to Kazuya’s. He pressed his body closer to Kazuya’s, making the younger man back up even more against the wall, effectively trapping Kazuya between himself and the wall. Warm lips returned the kiss, and hands that Jin had held too many times, wandered to Jin’s waist, tugging on his shirt, until the white button-up shirt was no longer tucked inside his pants like the school dress code required.
Jin’s breath hitched as fingers teasingly eased up the skin beneath his shirt, creating torturous patterns that made him bite down on Kazuya’s lower lip with a moan. He drew away for a moment, his lips hovering just above Kazuya’s. Heavy breathing hung in the air between them. He could feel warm puffs of air on his lips, and half-lidded eyes looked up at him. That was enough to make him lean in again, making any distance between their bodies non-existent, and capture Kazuya’s lips again in quick, furious kisses.
“Not…” Kazuya breathed out between kisses, “That I’m complaining…”
His hands had begun to finish undoing the buttons on Jin’s already half-unbuttoned shirt, fingers leaving teasing and feather-soft touches with each button he undid, “But…” another kiss broke off his sentence again, “What brought this on?”
Kissing was halted for a moment in favour of moving his lips just below Kazuya’s ear, soft whispers making the younger boy shiver, “Want to leave,” he said, aware of the effect that his breath on Kazuya’s skin had on the younger boy, “Want to take you with me,” he murmured.
Kazuya had gotten his shirt unbuttoned, it seemed, and Jin let out a gasp as he suddenly found himself against the wall instead, Kazuya’s hands pushing against his chest. The younger man leaned in, words sounding softly in Jin’s ears, “What happened?”
Jin’s hands crisscrossed behind Kazuya, pushing him closer against him. Their kisses had turned into long, reassuring ones, “I hate this town,” he murmured against Kazuya’s lips, “I hate this town so much.”
“I know,” Kazuya said aloud, “You’re going to leave as soon as you graduate,” he said knowingly. Even with his mind clouded by Kazuya’s hands inching closer to his collarbone, Jin didn’t miss the hidden sad tone in the younger boy’s voice.
“Kazuya.”
Taking advantage of the short moment of Kazuya lost in thoughts and looking down, Jin twisted them around so they were back with Kazuya trapped between him and the wall. He laid his forehead against Kazuya’s as he spoke, “I won’t leave without you.”
Kazuya’s eyes, staring into his, showed a mix of doubt and hope.
“You’re the only one who’s kept me sane in this town. I won’t leave while you’re still here.”
“Promise?”
He almost thought he had imagined the soft whisper, but the warm breath that tickled his skin with those words told him otherwise.
“I promise,” he said confidently, before leaning in for yet another kiss.
* * *
The week that followed Kazuya’s half-drunk confessions went by quickly - or slowly, depending what was happening at the moment. The slow times were the evenings after they got back to the house, when Kazuya would simply go off somewhere, making it clear that Jin was not to follow. The younger man had gone back to the cold demeanour he had been showing Jin since Jin had arrived, although from time to time, Jin could catch hints of hurt and anger in his posture, but he always decided not to say anything about it.
What could he do even if he said anything?
The times that went by quickly were the final funeral arrangements during the day. First, watching the casket get sealed, and then the cremation. During all this, Jin was briefly aware he had been told they could come back in two hours, but he barely registered it. He stood there for the full two hours, watching as flames licked at the casket, and it wasn’t until after there was nothing but ashes that he realized Kazuya was still standing behind him, so stiff and still, he was like a statue. The bone and ash collection was even tougher on Jin’s emotions, mostly because he felt completely alone in that. Not even his insistence that Kazuya was practically family to Reio would get the younger man do anything but watch.
Jin shifted nervously in the chair, looking around the disturbingly tidy office he was sitting in. Beside him, Kazuya was there, looking as calm and collected as always, but the grip the younger man had on the seat of his chair told Jin otherwise. When Jin tried to shoot an attempt at a reassuring smile at him, Kazuya’s face grew stony and he removed his fists from the chair and other than the rigid back, showed no more sign of anything but collected coldness.
Jin could almost swear that the Kazuya in front of him and the Kazuya from his childhood were two completely different people.
When did you start blocking everything off from everyone…even me? He wondered that sadly, but he had a feeling he knew already.
“If you’re ready…” the lawyer said hesitantly, as though sensing the tension between Jin and Kazuya. They had driven almost two hours to the nearest town to see the lawyer, and he was the closest lawyer available to anyone living in that town.
“This,” he took out a folder, “Is your copy of the final will of Akanishi Reio.”
He pushed the folder toward them. Jin glanced at it briefly before looking at Kazuya, who took it in his hands.
“I will give you some time to read it over between yourselves,” he said, standing up and leaving the room. Jin glanced at Kazuya, who was opening the folder. The younger man quietly handed Jin a set of papers, obviously Jin’s copy. Jin wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to read this, but he knew he had to, or else he’d have to leave everything in Kazuya’s hands - again.
He took a deep breath.
This is the Last Will and Testament of Akanishi Reio.
I hereby revoke all former Wills and other Testamentary Dispositions by me at any time heretofore made and declare this only to be and contain my Last Will and Testament.
And as he continued to read, Jin’s eyes couldn’t help but blur just a little. He was reading his little brother’s will - this was real, this was…
Tears leaked out from his eyes as he furiously tried to wipe them away, “So not fair, damn it,” he muttered, staring at the words on the page that told him that Reio had left him some of his savings in the small bank in their town. Why? He hadn’t talked to Reio since he left - he had ignored all of Reio’s letters and hadn’t seen his brother in nearly eight years. He hadn’t gone to any of the important events in Reio’s life, hadn’t been there for anything; why did Reio leave him anything? He didn’t deserve anything -
“I’m the executor…and trustee.”
The surprised words that came from Kazuya’s mouth made Jin look up with a nod. He had seen that, and honestly, he had expected that. But Kazuya still seemed surprised, if the way he stared at the papers in his hands was any indication.
“Of course you are - Reio trusted you,” Jin said without thinking, forgetting for a moment that Kazuya still hated him.
However, Kazuya didn’t say anything and Jin breathed a sigh of relief.
Before long, the door opened once more. The lawyer had returned and he sat down at his desk.
“The will, as you see, is very straight-forward,” he began, “You, Kamenashi-san, are the executor, which means you are the one to make sure everything in his will is carried out the way he wanted.”
Kazuya nodded.
“Now, I don’t expect you to decide what to do with your…inheritance so quickly, so I expect to hear from you after you’ve had time to read this more thoroughly and -”
“The trust fund he set up three years ago. I want to know if, with his death -” Kazuya asked quickly.
“He has named you the trustee of that fund, so it will fall under your responsibility as long as you are willing to take on that role -”
“I am” Kazuya said without skipping a beat, “I’d like to keep it as it’s been going for the past few years. As long as that is settled, I believe the rest of it can wait until we’ve had time to read it over carefully, can’t it?” he asked as he stood up, “We’ll be back in a few days.”
The lawyer nodded understandingly, as though expecting that, “Before you leave, as a…personal favour, Akanishi-san asked me to give these to you two with his will,” he said, opening a drawer in his desk and pulling out two envelopes.
He handed one to each of them, “I’ll see you in a few days then.”
Kazuya nodded and then left. Jin quickly followed Kazuya, trying to match his brisk pace.
Jin had barely buckled his seatbelt before Kazuya drove off quickly.
“Kazuya?”
He was startled when he realized that tears were glistening in the corners of Kazuya’s eyes, and the younger man was obviously working to keep his expression blank. That explained the quick exit from the lawyer’s office; the younger man had been struggling not to cry and thus, had quickly accepted the lawyer’s offer to discuss it in a few days.
Jin hated it.
He hated that he could no longer comfort Kazuya like he used to. It hurt that he could no longer take those tears away.
But he didn’t know what he could do anymore…
* * *
------ Part 2 ------