Walking on Broken Glass - Part Two
title: Walking on Broken Glass - Part Two
words: 2,679
disclaimer: love them, don't own them etc...
about: Joe is bored one night and discovers...Joick fanfiction...
( Part One )
They went back on tour, the three of them, just after Valentines Day to promote their new album. By this time, Joe was addicted to fanfiction and it was bad. At home he was able to hide it easily, Nick didn’t really question when Joe had his computer with him and said he wanted to be left alone for a bit. It was just an understood guy thing, even if he was reading something about the two of them - this didn’t need to affect Nick. He was always sure to clear his browsing history just in case, because Nick knew the password to his computer.
It was harder on the road to jerk off in general. They each tried to give each other as much privacy as possible, but there was no real alone time and he couldn’t afford any kind of verbal slip. It was the third night on the road and Nick was in the bunk beneath him, Kevin stayed with Danielle when he could but was currently in a bunk across from Joe with Frankie below him. It was pretty difficult to jerk off with your entire family on the bus with you, and if he took a shower, well, that would wake everyone up, anyway.
He knew it was wrong as he slowly opened his laptop and looked for new fic to read. It was weird, but he noticed that he preferred fic set on the bus if they were on the bus. He felt ridiculous, like a fan-girl of an impossible celebrity couple that he was a part of - or he wished he was? He wasn’t sure anymore and sometimes he got even more touchy-feely with Nick, other times he was completely withdrawn. He was so totally fucked. But this was better than the alternative, right? It was better that he read fic to try and keep his mind and body sated enough that he didn’t try to kiss Nick.
There were times when Nick’s behavior made him nervous, made him think maybe this wasn’t completely one-sided. After reading some of those stories, he was beginning to notice that they really didn’t act like normal siblings - but he couldn’t stop. It was selfish and needy of him, greedy to yearn for such contact with a sibling, especially since he knew the kind of impression it left some people with. He wished it were as easy as some of the fics made it out to be, but it wasn’t. The emotions inside of him blurred and stabbed at him where he was most vulnerable and least expected it. Emotions he’d buried long ago had been revived, and he now felt the same hopelessness that had driven him to forget those feelings in the first place. Nothing good could come of this, he knew that, but for some reason he just couldn’t stop.
Days passed like this and he felt as if he was leading a double life, and between the two of them, he was exhausted. In fact, it was taking such a noticeable toll on him that when they had the rare chance to go out as a family and he said he would rather stay in the hotel room and sleep, they hadn’t even questioned it. Nick had let Joe know in his usual, nonverbal way of expression that he was upset Joe wasn’t going, and Joe had had to look away from those saddened eyes so much like his own.
He eyed his laptop, temptation sitting there as if waiting for him as he realized he would have several hours to himself. He was usually rushed so this feeling of freedom felt foreign, but not unwelcome. He looked over at Nick’s bed but shook his head, that seemed like it would be crossing some sort of line if he jerked off over there so he just flipped open the computer and watched as it whirred to life.
He never left a comment, never bookmarked any of the stories and he never added any to memories. He’d heard too many stories of celebrities getting into trouble because of certain things on their computers and he wasn’t going to be one of them, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t read them. Sure, he had joined the community, but he could always say he’d just been curious and that he forgot to leave it because he was usually so busy that it was the last thing on his mind when he got to go on the computer. He let out a frustrated sigh as he brought the website up. He’d been good lately, he hadn’t even jerked off at all in the last few days because he was trying to stop this absurd obsession. There weren’t very many new fics to read, anyway, and what was there didn’t look promising. He went back to one of the ones he’d actually re-read a few times, but then pushed the computer aside, knowing that once he started reading he’d definitely be thinking of Nick to get off and he’d been trying to avoid that lately.
“What’s wrong with me?” he asked aloud, knowing no one was there to answer him. It had been bad over the last few days, worse than it usually got, and if he was honest with himself it was pretty bad he got hard occasionally when his brother looked at him a certain way or threw around a rare sexual innuendo. But not touching himself had only made it worse, not giving into these urges only made it that much more unbearable. There had been quite a few interviews where he’d had to cross his legs when Nick’s hand brushed casually over his thigh, or they’d leaned close to each other trading unimportant secrets and hot breath accosted his neck. There wasn’t anything so easy that he could do to cover it up on stage, so he usually pretended he didn’t know and that worked out fine for everybody. The fans loved it and no one could exactly give him a hard time about it because he was, well, a human male and it was just one of those things.
His phone rang and he was glad for the distraction as he picked it up and checked the caller ID. “Hey, Dem,” he said casually, ignoring the glow of the computer as he stood up, debating if he wanted to take a shower or not.
“Hiiiii!” she practically screamed and he held the phone a bit further from his ear, wincing. “Guess where I ammmm!” she sing-songed and he smiled, not really having any clues but liking her enthusiasm nonetheless. “I’m in Philly!” He gaped, they were in the same city for once and she added, “I’m coming to your show tonight!”
“Thank God,” he said, feeling relieved that he’d be able to spend some time with his best friend. “Hey, maybe we can do something just you and me after, like old times?” He couldn’t help how hopeful he sounded, he needed to tell someone what was going on and she was the only person he could trust with such a heavy secret.
“Uh…” she hesitated and he felt a stab of fear. “I, uhm, already told Nick I would work on a song with him…” Joe could practically hear her blushing as she rushed on, “I, well, I guess I could cancel but, Joe…” Oh, no. No no no no no. He felt his world begin to spin and crash as he realized they were both crushing on the same person, the only difference was that Demi had an actual shot with Nick.
“No,” he managed to say, a bit out of breath. “No, it’s okay, Dem…have - have fun. Uhm…” he drew in a deep breath, “Good luck. I mean, if you like him, and all, you should, uh…”
”Yeah?” she asked hesitantly, as if she’d been afraid.
“Yeah…” he answered, feeling like his heart had en even bigger hole in it now.
“Thanks, Joe, knew you’d understand!” They said good-bye and hung up, and what was supposed to be a phone call that made him feel better suddenly made him not want to see her ever again. He turned off his phone, not really wanting to talk to anyone at the moment, and definitely not in the mood to jerk off as he turned on the water to the Jacuzzi-style bathtub, a single tear stopping on his cheek. He wouldn’t get in the way, Demi was a good friend and, well, Nick was his brother. They were both good people, it was a good match; even he had to admit it. Once the tub was full he pressed the button to start the jets and slipped in, letting his mind go blissfully blank.
It was almost an hour later when he finally got out, wrapping a soft white towel around his waist and running another towel over his hair quickly. He wanted nothing more than to go and collapse into bed and sleep the rest of the day away. Maybe he’d wake up and find out it was a bad dream, he’d be able to go out with his family after all and Demi would be nowhere near Philadelphia. But as he pushed open the door his day went from ‘fuck,’ to ’fuck, fuckity, fuck fuck fuck’ when he saw Nick sitting on his bed with the laptop open in front of him and a dumbfounded expression on his face. “Oh God,” he whispered and Nick turned to look at him, eyes wide and looking a little pale.
“Joe…please tell me this isn’t what it looks like…” Nick pleaded, lips parted slightly and Joe swallowed thickly. He couldn’t, not without lying, and they didn’t do that to each other. Besides, he could never lie to Nick, anyway. He didn’t deny it, and he didn’t profess his undying love, either. That was something that was best left to fiction, he decided wisely as his silence spoke clearly enough to his brother. “This - this is sick,” Nick said and Joe agreed just as silently, looking down at his bare feet, toes digging into the plush carpet. “Joe,” he looked up and met Nick’s eyes, “You need help.”
Joe just shrugged as if he hadn’t told himself exactly that at least five-hundred times a day. He couldn’t help the slight bitter edge his voice held when he said “Don’t worry, I won’t get between you and Demi tonight…”
Nick just stared up at him, confused. Oh, God, he was so dense sometimes; so wonderfully, beautifully dense. “Demi, what-?”
“Ya know, our friend…Demi. Demetria Lovato? Yeah, well, she likes you; she pretty much just told me when she blew me off for you tonight even though…I really needed to talk to her about something.” He resisted (just barely) going on about how unfair it was because Demi was supposed to be his best friend.
“But I always thought that you…her…” Joe had let Nick believe he liked Demi because it was easier than the truth. His brother’s eyes bulged as he seemed to realize something. “All those times…in your bunk…you weren’t thinking about her.” Nick looked up and their eyes met as he continued, following through as if this were a sport and in order to hit the ball he had to finish it. “It was me…” Joe shrugged as if to say, ‘Well, yeah,’ and Nick gasped, “I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Gee, thanks,” Joe said acidly and sat heavily on the bed, elbows on his knees as he pressed his face into the palms of his hands. “Look, I’m sorry, okay?” he felt like he’d been waiting a long time to say that. Suddenly he was struggling against tears as he sniffed and added, “It’s not like I meant for any of this to happen. I didn’t wake up one day and decide...you know what? Never-mind…” he trailed off, trying to steady his racing heart. He wasn’t going to do the whole ‘heart-to-heart’ thing, he’d promised himself that, at least. He wasn’t going to gush like some girl about his feelings. Nick really didn’t want to hear it, anyway. “What are you doing here, anyway?”
Nick actually blushed as Joe finally turned to look at him, “I, uh…thought you weren’t feeling well.” He followed the teenager’s gaze to a brown paper bag and a cup sitting on the desk in the hotel room. “I got you tea and, uh, something to eat. It was weird without you with us - didn’t want you to be alone…this is so unreal.”
“I don’t deserve to have you as a brother,” Joe said miserably, falling onto his side and burying his face in the pillow. “I don’t even deserve to have you in my life…”
“Joe, please…don’t…I mean, just…what can I do? I - you’ve saved my life, I shouldn’t be coming down on you this hard…” Nick managed to stumble out as Joe looked at him dismally. “You should have told me, maybe there was something I could have done…you should have let me know.”
“Why?” Joe asked as his stomach growled, letting him know he was hungry. “So we could have had this same talk four weeks ago, four months ago…four years ago?” Nick looked like he’d been slapped from the stupid expression all the way to the red cheeks as he just gaped at Joe. “Yeah, years…I’m sorry, okay? I thought,” he took a few breaths to calm down, “I thought I was better and then before we went on tour I found all of that,” he gestured to mean he meant the computer and what was on the screen. “It all just came back.” He laughed a short, dry laugh that was slightly hysterical. “I guess it never really went away…I was too busy lying to myself.”
Well, fuck, he was doing it. He was doing that thing he’d promised he wouldn’t do: talking about his feelings with Nick. “Joe…”
“Nick, just don’t. Let me deal with this, it’s my problem, not yours, okay? I mean…please just forget about this.” Joe stood up and pulled on a pair of boxers, keeping his back to Nick as he slipped them on under the towel before letting the cloth fall to the floor. “Thanks for the food,” he added as he walked to the desk and looked inside the bag, trying to pretend his heart wasn’t in a million tiny pieces. It was a bagel and probably Joe’s favorite, cinnamon raison with cream cheese. It was one of the thoughtful types of things Nick was always doing for him, which didn’t help in the slightest.
He heard movement and didn’t look; instead he unwrapped the bagel (which was exactly what he’d thought it would be) and took a bite. It had been toasted but was only lukewarm now, probably a combination of the weather outside and the fact that it was probably sitting there a while. It was still good, though, and he picked up the tea and took a tentative sip. Nick had gone all out, probably gone to a different place to get the Jasmine Chai for him, and Joe appreciated it. He had a shocking moment of wondering if Nick would still be this thoughtful now that he knew.
“I’m sorry,” Nick said and Joe turned to look at him. Nick was holding Joe’s discarded towel as if he’d intended to put it back in the bathroom, picking up after Joe like usual. Instead, it was folded awkwardly over his arm and he was looking anywhere but at Joe.
“Don’t be…the tea and bagel are great.” Nick laughed but it was short-lived and Joe knew that wasn’t what Nick had been talking about. “Really, you don’t have anything to apologize for, okay? I’m the one who should apologize to you…but I already did, can we please just forget about this?” Nick nodded and walked into the bathroom, towel still in hand and Joe heard the lock click into place which was something they usually didn’t bother with and he flinched.
words: 2,679
disclaimer: love them, don't own them etc...
about: Joe is bored one night and discovers...Joick fanfiction...
( Part One )
They went back on tour, the three of them, just after Valentines Day to promote their new album. By this time, Joe was addicted to fanfiction and it was bad. At home he was able to hide it easily, Nick didn’t really question when Joe had his computer with him and said he wanted to be left alone for a bit. It was just an understood guy thing, even if he was reading something about the two of them - this didn’t need to affect Nick. He was always sure to clear his browsing history just in case, because Nick knew the password to his computer.
It was harder on the road to jerk off in general. They each tried to give each other as much privacy as possible, but there was no real alone time and he couldn’t afford any kind of verbal slip. It was the third night on the road and Nick was in the bunk beneath him, Kevin stayed with Danielle when he could but was currently in a bunk across from Joe with Frankie below him. It was pretty difficult to jerk off with your entire family on the bus with you, and if he took a shower, well, that would wake everyone up, anyway.
He knew it was wrong as he slowly opened his laptop and looked for new fic to read. It was weird, but he noticed that he preferred fic set on the bus if they were on the bus. He felt ridiculous, like a fan-girl of an impossible celebrity couple that he was a part of - or he wished he was? He wasn’t sure anymore and sometimes he got even more touchy-feely with Nick, other times he was completely withdrawn. He was so totally fucked. But this was better than the alternative, right? It was better that he read fic to try and keep his mind and body sated enough that he didn’t try to kiss Nick.
There were times when Nick’s behavior made him nervous, made him think maybe this wasn’t completely one-sided. After reading some of those stories, he was beginning to notice that they really didn’t act like normal siblings - but he couldn’t stop. It was selfish and needy of him, greedy to yearn for such contact with a sibling, especially since he knew the kind of impression it left some people with. He wished it were as easy as some of the fics made it out to be, but it wasn’t. The emotions inside of him blurred and stabbed at him where he was most vulnerable and least expected it. Emotions he’d buried long ago had been revived, and he now felt the same hopelessness that had driven him to forget those feelings in the first place. Nothing good could come of this, he knew that, but for some reason he just couldn’t stop.
Days passed like this and he felt as if he was leading a double life, and between the two of them, he was exhausted. In fact, it was taking such a noticeable toll on him that when they had the rare chance to go out as a family and he said he would rather stay in the hotel room and sleep, they hadn’t even questioned it. Nick had let Joe know in his usual, nonverbal way of expression that he was upset Joe wasn’t going, and Joe had had to look away from those saddened eyes so much like his own.
He eyed his laptop, temptation sitting there as if waiting for him as he realized he would have several hours to himself. He was usually rushed so this feeling of freedom felt foreign, but not unwelcome. He looked over at Nick’s bed but shook his head, that seemed like it would be crossing some sort of line if he jerked off over there so he just flipped open the computer and watched as it whirred to life.
He never left a comment, never bookmarked any of the stories and he never added any to memories. He’d heard too many stories of celebrities getting into trouble because of certain things on their computers and he wasn’t going to be one of them, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t read them. Sure, he had joined the community, but he could always say he’d just been curious and that he forgot to leave it because he was usually so busy that it was the last thing on his mind when he got to go on the computer. He let out a frustrated sigh as he brought the website up. He’d been good lately, he hadn’t even jerked off at all in the last few days because he was trying to stop this absurd obsession. There weren’t very many new fics to read, anyway, and what was there didn’t look promising. He went back to one of the ones he’d actually re-read a few times, but then pushed the computer aside, knowing that once he started reading he’d definitely be thinking of Nick to get off and he’d been trying to avoid that lately.
“What’s wrong with me?” he asked aloud, knowing no one was there to answer him. It had been bad over the last few days, worse than it usually got, and if he was honest with himself it was pretty bad he got hard occasionally when his brother looked at him a certain way or threw around a rare sexual innuendo. But not touching himself had only made it worse, not giving into these urges only made it that much more unbearable. There had been quite a few interviews where he’d had to cross his legs when Nick’s hand brushed casually over his thigh, or they’d leaned close to each other trading unimportant secrets and hot breath accosted his neck. There wasn’t anything so easy that he could do to cover it up on stage, so he usually pretended he didn’t know and that worked out fine for everybody. The fans loved it and no one could exactly give him a hard time about it because he was, well, a human male and it was just one of those things.
His phone rang and he was glad for the distraction as he picked it up and checked the caller ID. “Hey, Dem,” he said casually, ignoring the glow of the computer as he stood up, debating if he wanted to take a shower or not.
“Hiiiii!” she practically screamed and he held the phone a bit further from his ear, wincing. “Guess where I ammmm!” she sing-songed and he smiled, not really having any clues but liking her enthusiasm nonetheless. “I’m in Philly!” He gaped, they were in the same city for once and she added, “I’m coming to your show tonight!”
“Thank God,” he said, feeling relieved that he’d be able to spend some time with his best friend. “Hey, maybe we can do something just you and me after, like old times?” He couldn’t help how hopeful he sounded, he needed to tell someone what was going on and she was the only person he could trust with such a heavy secret.
“Uh…” she hesitated and he felt a stab of fear. “I, uhm, already told Nick I would work on a song with him…” Joe could practically hear her blushing as she rushed on, “I, well, I guess I could cancel but, Joe…” Oh, no. No no no no no. He felt his world begin to spin and crash as he realized they were both crushing on the same person, the only difference was that Demi had an actual shot with Nick.
“No,” he managed to say, a bit out of breath. “No, it’s okay, Dem…have - have fun. Uhm…” he drew in a deep breath, “Good luck. I mean, if you like him, and all, you should, uh…”
”Yeah?” she asked hesitantly, as if she’d been afraid.
“Yeah…” he answered, feeling like his heart had en even bigger hole in it now.
“Thanks, Joe, knew you’d understand!” They said good-bye and hung up, and what was supposed to be a phone call that made him feel better suddenly made him not want to see her ever again. He turned off his phone, not really wanting to talk to anyone at the moment, and definitely not in the mood to jerk off as he turned on the water to the Jacuzzi-style bathtub, a single tear stopping on his cheek. He wouldn’t get in the way, Demi was a good friend and, well, Nick was his brother. They were both good people, it was a good match; even he had to admit it. Once the tub was full he pressed the button to start the jets and slipped in, letting his mind go blissfully blank.
It was almost an hour later when he finally got out, wrapping a soft white towel around his waist and running another towel over his hair quickly. He wanted nothing more than to go and collapse into bed and sleep the rest of the day away. Maybe he’d wake up and find out it was a bad dream, he’d be able to go out with his family after all and Demi would be nowhere near Philadelphia. But as he pushed open the door his day went from ‘fuck,’ to ’fuck, fuckity, fuck fuck fuck’ when he saw Nick sitting on his bed with the laptop open in front of him and a dumbfounded expression on his face. “Oh God,” he whispered and Nick turned to look at him, eyes wide and looking a little pale.
“Joe…please tell me this isn’t what it looks like…” Nick pleaded, lips parted slightly and Joe swallowed thickly. He couldn’t, not without lying, and they didn’t do that to each other. Besides, he could never lie to Nick, anyway. He didn’t deny it, and he didn’t profess his undying love, either. That was something that was best left to fiction, he decided wisely as his silence spoke clearly enough to his brother. “This - this is sick,” Nick said and Joe agreed just as silently, looking down at his bare feet, toes digging into the plush carpet. “Joe,” he looked up and met Nick’s eyes, “You need help.”
Joe just shrugged as if he hadn’t told himself exactly that at least five-hundred times a day. He couldn’t help the slight bitter edge his voice held when he said “Don’t worry, I won’t get between you and Demi tonight…”
Nick just stared up at him, confused. Oh, God, he was so dense sometimes; so wonderfully, beautifully dense. “Demi, what-?”
“Ya know, our friend…Demi. Demetria Lovato? Yeah, well, she likes you; she pretty much just told me when she blew me off for you tonight even though…I really needed to talk to her about something.” He resisted (just barely) going on about how unfair it was because Demi was supposed to be his best friend.
“But I always thought that you…her…” Joe had let Nick believe he liked Demi because it was easier than the truth. His brother’s eyes bulged as he seemed to realize something. “All those times…in your bunk…you weren’t thinking about her.” Nick looked up and their eyes met as he continued, following through as if this were a sport and in order to hit the ball he had to finish it. “It was me…” Joe shrugged as if to say, ‘Well, yeah,’ and Nick gasped, “I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Gee, thanks,” Joe said acidly and sat heavily on the bed, elbows on his knees as he pressed his face into the palms of his hands. “Look, I’m sorry, okay?” he felt like he’d been waiting a long time to say that. Suddenly he was struggling against tears as he sniffed and added, “It’s not like I meant for any of this to happen. I didn’t wake up one day and decide...you know what? Never-mind…” he trailed off, trying to steady his racing heart. He wasn’t going to do the whole ‘heart-to-heart’ thing, he’d promised himself that, at least. He wasn’t going to gush like some girl about his feelings. Nick really didn’t want to hear it, anyway. “What are you doing here, anyway?”
Nick actually blushed as Joe finally turned to look at him, “I, uh…thought you weren’t feeling well.” He followed the teenager’s gaze to a brown paper bag and a cup sitting on the desk in the hotel room. “I got you tea and, uh, something to eat. It was weird without you with us - didn’t want you to be alone…this is so unreal.”
“I don’t deserve to have you as a brother,” Joe said miserably, falling onto his side and burying his face in the pillow. “I don’t even deserve to have you in my life…”
“Joe, please…don’t…I mean, just…what can I do? I - you’ve saved my life, I shouldn’t be coming down on you this hard…” Nick managed to stumble out as Joe looked at him dismally. “You should have told me, maybe there was something I could have done…you should have let me know.”
“Why?” Joe asked as his stomach growled, letting him know he was hungry. “So we could have had this same talk four weeks ago, four months ago…four years ago?” Nick looked like he’d been slapped from the stupid expression all the way to the red cheeks as he just gaped at Joe. “Yeah, years…I’m sorry, okay? I thought,” he took a few breaths to calm down, “I thought I was better and then before we went on tour I found all of that,” he gestured to mean he meant the computer and what was on the screen. “It all just came back.” He laughed a short, dry laugh that was slightly hysterical. “I guess it never really went away…I was too busy lying to myself.”
Well, fuck, he was doing it. He was doing that thing he’d promised he wouldn’t do: talking about his feelings with Nick. “Joe…”
“Nick, just don’t. Let me deal with this, it’s my problem, not yours, okay? I mean…please just forget about this.” Joe stood up and pulled on a pair of boxers, keeping his back to Nick as he slipped them on under the towel before letting the cloth fall to the floor. “Thanks for the food,” he added as he walked to the desk and looked inside the bag, trying to pretend his heart wasn’t in a million tiny pieces. It was a bagel and probably Joe’s favorite, cinnamon raison with cream cheese. It was one of the thoughtful types of things Nick was always doing for him, which didn’t help in the slightest.
He heard movement and didn’t look; instead he unwrapped the bagel (which was exactly what he’d thought it would be) and took a bite. It had been toasted but was only lukewarm now, probably a combination of the weather outside and the fact that it was probably sitting there a while. It was still good, though, and he picked up the tea and took a tentative sip. Nick had gone all out, probably gone to a different place to get the Jasmine Chai for him, and Joe appreciated it. He had a shocking moment of wondering if Nick would still be this thoughtful now that he knew.
“I’m sorry,” Nick said and Joe turned to look at him. Nick was holding Joe’s discarded towel as if he’d intended to put it back in the bathroom, picking up after Joe like usual. Instead, it was folded awkwardly over his arm and he was looking anywhere but at Joe.
“Don’t be…the tea and bagel are great.” Nick laughed but it was short-lived and Joe knew that wasn’t what Nick had been talking about. “Really, you don’t have anything to apologize for, okay? I’m the one who should apologize to you…but I already did, can we please just forget about this?” Nick nodded and walked into the bathroom, towel still in hand and Joe heard the lock click into place which was something they usually didn’t bother with and he flinched.