Welcome the new reality on LJ

[vaneramos]

Well, it is interesting how much things on LJ have changed. Mostly people have bemoaned the exodus, but maybe it isn't all that bad. Just now for the first time in probably three (or five?) years, for the hell of it, I looked through my friends list completely unfiltered. It didn't make me feel awful and overwhelmed. Actually, it was nice. There are a few reasons:

1. The volume is simply more manageable.
2. Some of the most thoughtful journal keepers have stayed.
3. I understand it is normal for a strong introvert like me to require only a few close relationships, and have mastered the social media skill of dipping in when I can and not worrying about what I miss.
4. I have let go of some old, painful, unresolved, interpersonal stuff involving LJ friends. The most difficult relationships are gone. If you are still on my friends list and we have had past problems, I am no longer particularly angry or sad about it, although I do care.

The community has changed but so have I. The structure of my life mostly involves Danny, our home and my work as a writer. I am trying to think when I have felt so stable, happy, content, confident or hopeful, but it seems impossible to compare now with the rest of my life. Happiness actually is a flow, and I simply don't worry so much anymore about sometimes feeling gloomy or grumpy. I crave less of what I don't have.

I sometimes wonder how I can be more giving toward others, the community, the world. It is often said dying people measure their lives according to how well they have loved. No doubt. I am continually confronted by my own selfishness and that of others. It is also tied up with questions about security. When you are accustomed to just trying to keep your head up, the path of genuine kindness (without prejudice) is hard to consider, let alone practise.

Writing makes me feel busy and preoccupied, but might it also be a powerful outlet for generosity? The writers I most admire--Ursula K. LeGuin, Barry Lopez, Cyrus Cassells, Annie Dillard, Wendell Berry, Mark Doty--all exemplify a profound kindness with respect to wisdom and beauty. It is worth considering.

I am glad you are reading and hope you are well.