Dissapear
. . . . Man, last night was so horrible. So many bad things happened and at the moment I dun feel like going into detail. I scare my self sometimes when I get as upset as I did last night. . . Sometimes I just hurt so much that everything I have ever been through all come piling on me at once and all the pain builds up and that pain hurts so bad it becomes anger and I get violent towards my self and the violence and anger turn to hatred . . . I hate myself . . . and I can do nothing right and it eats it me and I'll sit and pray that I could just dissapear or be any where besides where I am. I feel that every one else would be happier if I just wasn't here to fuck everything up. I really wish they could just be happier. I feel like I never should have come here, like I should have stayed at my other grandmothers house and just endured her mental torture, like I deserved it any way. I wanted to be happy so I left and brought all the torture with me and now every one here is miserable and I feel like it's all my fault. I dun know what to do b/c they only way I'm ever happy is to be with Eric, or my friends (Brina and Trina). I miss my "sisters" but there's always so much drama and a lot of it used to be focused around Terra and I until I left there. Eric thinks I should move in with him and I know his mom would let me but I also know my Granfather wouldn't. I dun know what to do b/c I am so lost in this world full of pain that it is hard for me to find happieness and even when I do I find it in the most unlikely places. And yet no matter how much I hurt I knw my friends are here for me and I know when I wake up in the morning to hurt again they will be there and I dun have to be ALL alone n e more. I know they will never turn their backs to me nor will Eric . . . and that to me is enough reason to keep going and keep looking for my happiness . . . . . . .
Even when I feel like dissapearing . . . . . .